The Name I Gave Myself
Beyond the door, a brief silence lingered before the doctor advised me to take things slowly and then stepped out. Sunlight streamed through the hospital window, spilling across the sheets in a gentle haze. From today onward, everything had to change. I picked up my phone and began typing a message to the company.
It was only a short text, yet sending it took far longer than it should have. With every letter, every sentence, my fingers seemed to hesitate, growing heavier. Writing the name Seojun already felt strangely distant. Maybe it was because the name would soon disappear. Still, for now, there was no other way to explain who I was to the company.
After sending the message, I set the phone down. My eyes fell on the documents Park Hyun-soo had left beside the bed. A blank space waited there for the new name I would soon use. To suddenly become younger than my own wife felt utterly bizarre.
I picked up the pen with deliberate care. After a long pause, I wrote it down quietly.
Seoyeon.
A graceful, gentle name. It had lodged itself in my mind the moment I thought of it—perhaps from a protagonist I’d once read about. Simply writing it on paper gave me an odd, renewed feeling.
“Age…”
The moment I looked at the field, my head throbbed. Twenty-five. Wasn’t that the age of a fresh graduate just stepping into the world? I had left that number behind long ago. Military service, career, marriage, children—those years still lived vividly inside me. Yet now I was twenty-five. Others might envy it, but I had never truly lived the life that age was meant for. I had only charged forward, pretending to be strong so no one would see my fear. After marrying through a match, I had chained myself with the words “responsibility as the head of the family.” Before I even turned thirty, I already felt old. Freedom was always last on the list, and my own emotions were forever postponed to “later.”
Could someone who had lived that way truly start over at twenty-five? A number that stripped away nearly everything from the life I once knew.
Name: Seoyeon
Age: 25
That single sheet of paper now contained everything that defined me.
“Haha…”
A hollow laugh slipped out after I’d stared at it for a long time. It was something to envy, perhaps. Young. Beautiful. A woman. The words felt like they belonged at the complete opposite end of my life. At the same time, they felt like an unexploded bomb I had no idea how to handle.
I rose with a creak, pulling the IV stand along as I headed for the bathroom. The moment I opened the door and met my reflection in the mirror above the sink, the truth settled over me once more.
The name I had chosen for myself—Seoyeon. Looking more closely than I had yesterday, the face truly matched it: graceful and lovely. Long black hair cascaded over slender shoulders. Despite the lingering pallor of illness, those large eyes held the quiet clarity of dawn.
When I lifted my right hand, the woman in the mirror lifted hers. When I tilted my head, she mirrored me exactly. It was unmistakably me, so why did it feel so alien?
“……”
After staring for what felt like forever, my old face suddenly surfaced in memory. The dark circles under exhausted eyes. The heavy, downturned corners of a mouth that had forgotten how to smile. That face had been weary and wounded. Perhaps my real face had vanished back then without me noticing.
The person who once wore that face could never look in a mirror without flinching. But this face… was too perfect. Clean. Unfamiliar. Eyes that had never known hardship, skin and lips that looked untouched by the world’s cruelties. These were features I had only ever seen on television.
“…Is this really me?”
Even the whisper that left my lips was clear and soft. The longer I looked, the more an indescribable emotion welled up inside. I quietly turned away from the mirror and splashed cold water on my face. The moment it touched my newly sensitive skin, it confirmed that this body was mine. There was no longer any room for denial.
I dried my face with a towel and returned to bed. Lying there, staring at the ceiling, my thoughts lined up one after another until they all collapsed into a single sentence.
What am I supposed to do now…?
Judging from the company’s message, I would clearly be the next name on the restructuring list. Illness or not, I had been absent for over a week, and my team no longer saw me as their leader. Even if a new employee joined, they would find the situation strange.
Before the change, my path had been obvious. Wake up, go to work, work, come home, read the moods of my family. That was all. My life had been like a train on fixed rails; I had believed it would never stop.
But the train itself had vanished. The rails remained, yet without the engine, I could reach neither destination nor next station. I simply stood there on those tracks, lost.
“Knock knock.”
“Excuse me.”
A light rap on the door preceded the nurse’s entrance.
“You’re awake. I’ve brought today’s patient meal.”
“Ah… thank you.”
She set the tray on the bedside table and left. Porridge and a few simple side dishes waited on the tray. My small fingers felt awkward around the chopsticks; I had to readjust my grip several times.
Ah. It doesn’t taste good…
Hospital food was never meant to be delicious, but in the past I would have eaten it without complaint. Now even my sense of taste seemed sharper, more delicate.
What’s going on? It feels like there’s too much food.
Patient portions were supposed to be small, yet after only half the bowl I already felt full. I set the chopsticks down and quietly pushed the tray aside. It wasn’t so much fullness as an uncomfortable bloating that refused to let anything else in. Had my appetite and capacity changed along with my body, or had I simply become overly sensitive? I leaned back against the bed and gazed out the window.
“It’s been so long since I’ve rested like this…”
The sunlight continued to wrap around me, warm and comforting, slipping past the windowsill onto the sheets.
A short while later the nurse returned.
“Um…”
When I spoke, her eyes widened in surprise, as though she hadn’t expected me to call out.
“Yes? Is something the matter?”
“I was wondering… when might I be discharged?”
She checked the file in her hands, then nodded.
“There are no abnormalities in your body, so once you complete and submit the identity change documents, discharge can be processed within a few hours. If you submit them today, it should be possible sometime tomorrow morning.”
“I see…”
It was sooner than I had expected. After asking if I had any other questions, she took the tray and left.
“I’d better submit the paperwork quickly…”
Murmuring to myself, I picked up my phone along with the business card I had received that morning and began typing another message.
The phone rang almost the instant the message was sent.
“Seojun? You finished faster than I expected.”
“Yes… there was only the name left to fill in.”
“You’ve been through a lot. I’m nearby, so I’ll stop by the hospital to collect the documents.”
“Thank you…”
The call ended. I let out a long breath.
“Haa… I suppose I need to find a new job.”
Discharge being so close meant I would soon have to face reality head-on. I glanced at the clock. Two-twenty in the afternoon. If I left tomorrow, I would need clothes that matched this face. Hospital gowns or my old ill-fitting men’s clothes would make it impossible to even step outside.
I should go buy something to wear.
I searched for nearby clothing stores on my phone. Fortunately, there was a boutique only ten to fifteen minutes away. It wasn’t far, so I wouldn’t need a guardian. I grabbed my wallet and left the room. The hospital corridor was quiet. Perhaps because it was an inpatient ward, only a few nurses passed by pulling carts. I walked carefully. The unfamiliar gait and the stares felt awkward, but my body seemed to have already adjusted; it wasn’t uncomfortable.
“This is Room 205 on the second floor inpatient ward. My name is Seoyeon… no, Seojun. If someone named Park Hyun-soo comes, could you please submit these documents for me?”
“Yes, understood.”
“Also, I’d like to step out briefly to a store called OO Clothing nearby. Would it be all right to go alone?”
“One moment, please…”
The nurse checked the location of the store.
“Yes, that should be fine.”
“That’s a relief. Thank you.”
I turned on my phone and sent one more message.
After sending the text, I turned to head upstairs. That was when a cute voice called from behind me.
“Wow! Pretty unnie!”
At first I didn’t realize the words were meant for me and kept walking.
“Unnie! Unnie! Where are you going?”
“…Are you talking to me?”
The child had grabbed the hem of my hospital gown. Only then did I understand and turn around. She was adorable—jet-black bobbed hair framing a delicate, doll-like face that anyone would call cute.
“Yes! Where is unnie going?”