Spilling My Secrets
Even as I dialed Arang's number, I couldn't shake the nagging doubt that this might not be the right move.
Looking back now, I realized I'd been a bit hasty. Not that I'd made the wrong choice—no regrets there.
But deciding to go pro again meant inevitably revealing my true identity, and that would surely strain things with Arang.
Of course, she'd liked me from the start, back when she thought I was a guy. But once she learned I was a woman, she'd gotten noticeably friendlier. Wasn't her decision to meet up probably because she knew I was a girl now?
In that context, telling her I was actually Dice, originally a man, and planning to return to pro gaming? She'd definitely be thrown.
Still, that didn't stop me from making the call.
After a brief wait, the line connected.
"Hello?"
Thankfully, Arang's voice sounded calmer than I'd expected.
"Pudge? Why're you calling?"
"Why d'you think? Just worried about you."
"Pudge is worried about me? Hehe."
Even so, it wasn't my imagination—her voice lacked the energy it had during our last meeting.
"I'm fine."
"Good, if you're okay, that's what matters."
Still...
"But if you're not, don't pretend to be tough. Just say it."
"Huh?"
"If you're really fine, great. But if you're hiding how tough it is, I'd rather you didn't. It's okay to say you're struggling when you are."
"...Pudge is such a grown-up."
"I am. Does that make me a kid?"
"You act like one sometimes."
Giggle.
Arang's laugh still sounded a bit drained.
"Honestly... it's not that bad. I never dreamed of going pro when I was just solo queuing alone anyway."
"Yeah."
"But... I did get excited when they scouted me. My heart was racing. I wanted to be like the pros—compete in tournaments, carry games coolly, win...
"Yeah."
"But they said girls can't do it. Coach said it just won't work."
...Maybe if I were still a guy, I'd have said the same to her. Girls have it tough. Girls can't play games.
That belief hadn't changed.
But right now, at least, I didn't want to say it.
"Arang, you know that saying?"
"What saying?"
"There was this pro gamer named Dice—a total asshole."
"I know. The one who cried after losing to Proud."
...Don't bring that up.
"Anyway, that pro said something like..."
"Girls can't play games?"
"...Yeah. That."
Hearing it straight from Arang stung my chest. But what could I do? This was all my karma.
"Actually, I've got a big secret from you."
"What is it?"
"Can't tell you yet."
But wait for me.
"When I reveal it, I'll prove something for you."
"...Prove what?"
"That girls can play games too."
And...
"So much that that coach regrets passing on you."
"...Yeah."
A moment later, I heard some sniffling. I wondered if she'd gotten emotional and teared up, but...
"Ahahaha! What was that? Pudge, you're so serious!"
Arang just laughed her usual cheerful self.
"S-sorry. But you're too serious..."
"You... I was trying to comfort you..."
"Yeah, sorry. But it's funny! Haha."
"Ugh."
"But thanks... It was funny, but really sweet. I was a bit down, but this gives me some strength."
"...Good."
Yeah, as long as she laughed, that was enough. What more could there be?
Her state was better than I'd thought—relief.
"So when will you tell me that secret?"
"...Soon. Not long."
But thinking about it made me worry again.
Arang was the only acquaintance who didn't know my secret since the change. If she ended up hating me after? How would that feel?
Not good, that's for sure.
But it was my fault for not telling her from the start. Even if the timing wasn't right.
"One favor?"
"Yeah? Anything for Pudge!"
So if she did hate me after learning the truth, don't take it too hard.
"When I tell you the secret."
"Yeah."
It was just a few months of connection anyway. We'd met in person only once.
"Even if the secret upsets you."
If it ended, that was that—a fleeting bond.
"Try not to hate me too much."
Just leave a touch of bitterness, a fond memory. That'd be enough.
"Think you can?"
But Arang's voice rang out bright as sunshine.
"No way that'd happen!"
"I'd never hate Pudge—don't worry!"
"...Why do you like me so much?"
The question slipped out before I knew it.
I'd asked something similar once before, but Arang answered without hesitation.
"'Cause you listen to me, game with me, answer my questions, and didn't abandon me. You're a real adult."
Who could've guessed?
This troublemaking gremlin would end up my friend.
"...Got it."
"Promise?"
"Yeah."
I said I had stuff to do and hung up.
Then, alone, I muttered to myself.
"Thanks."
She couldn't hear it anymore anyway.
After the call with Arang, the tension from earlier melted away. Revealing my identity didn't feel like such a big deal anymore.
Unlike with Arang, I had no qualms with Crisu or Phantom.
Well, Crisu had some history, but we'd cleared that up. Nothing major.
Though calling her "sis" was still embarrassing.
I headed back to where Yuseung had led me earlier—the practice room. Noisy voices leaked out before I entered, so I eavesdropped a bit.
"So when's Dice coming? I heard a girl's voice earlier—wasn't Dice, right? Your girlfriend?"
"No."
"Oppa, but that girl from last time who came with you—is she your girlfriend? Then why's she here?"
"She's older than you."
"Anyway, why's she here..?"
Haha, couldn't help but chuckle. For Yuseung's sake, better get in quick.
Knock knock. Yuseung called me in, and I opened the door.
"You're here."
"Yeah."
My friend, my jungler, Jesus—Yoo Seung-eun.
"Whoa, who's this? Your girlfriend, hyung?"
"Not his girlfriend."
Phantom—Jang Seonho, whom I'd seen a few times during pro days. He recognized my face.
"Whoa, hi! No way, oppas girlfriend is smoking hot."
"Not his girlfriend."
Crisu—Seo Seohui, whose face and voice I'd grown familiar with from streams.
"Hello. Nice to meet you."
And me—Dice, Seo Yeonwoo.
"I'm Dice, Seo Yeonwoo."
Now it really began.
"What the hell?"
"What is this? Some prank?"
"Yeah, I'm Dice, Seo Yeonwoo."
Their reactions to my greeting were perfectly reasonable.
"Candid camera?"
They weren't even shocked—just amused, thinking it was a joke. I handed them each a document without another word.
"Thanks...?"
"Read it."
Still clueless, they scanned the papers slowly, then their eyes widened. They stared at me.
"Like it says there, yeah, I'm Dice, Seo Yeonwoo. Anyway, we'll be teammates from now on, and I'm older, so casual speech it is. No complaints?"
"Wait! Is this real? No way... that retirement from illness...?!"
"That's the disease that forced my retirement. It hurt, but the aftereffects tanked my skills with no recovery in sight. Recently things improved, so I came back."
Jang Seonho kept glancing between me and the paper, incredulous. But Seo Seohui's reaction was weirder. Makes sense—she'd fought me, streamed with me.
"...So, the person I fought then."
"Me."
"The one who ghosted my stream...?"
"Me."
"...Pudge Dice too?"
"Me."
"The one who called me sis?"
"Fuck."
That was me too. Shit.
"Anyway, yeah, Pudge Dice is me."
"This is legit?"
Seo Seohui kept flipping between me and the paper, unable to process. Must be a huge shock. She'd met "me" on stream as Crisu.
"Okay, if you've read it, hand 'em back—this can't leak yet."
They looked dazed but returned the papers obediently. I knew expecting full understanding right away was harsh.
So I'd prepared for this.
"Alright, question time now. Ask away—I'll answer what I can."
"Me first."
Jang Seonho jumped in. He'd gone from flustered to serious.
Yuseung said he was dissatisfied with his support and ambitious—not thrilled about me replacing him, probably.
Bracing for pro-life questions...
"What's it feel like turning from guy to girl?"
"Objection."
What the hell?
"Aw, why!"
"Sexist question."
"You're joking, right?"
Halfway.
"Wait! Me next!"
"Go ahead, Crisu."
"You really called me sis yourself?"
"Goddamn it."
What are these bot laners on?
"Yeah, it was me! I said yes earlier."
"No way. So an older guy called me sis...?"
"Drop it before I die of shame."
This Q&A was gonna be rough.
"Tried skirts?"
"Nope."
"Which bathroom?"
"Girls'."
"ID number ends in 3 or 4?"
"4 now."
Those were tame. But the next ones irked them:
"Military?"
"Not sure, probably not."
"Damn, jealous as hell..."
Jang Seonho grumbled there,
"...You bare-faced right now?"
"Obviously. Why would a pro gamer wear makeup?"
"Makes no sense... This is fraud..."
Seo Seohui sulked there.
The questions were a mess, but they'd kept it mostly civil so far.
Until...
"Question: What do you think about 'Girls can't play games'?"
Seo Seohui's turn. With our history, tough one—more tease than question.
"Sorry. I was young."
Just surrendered.
"You do look young. Appearance-wise."
"Letting it slide this once..."
My bad, so I'd endure.
Jang Seonho next:
"How should we address you? Hyung? Noona?"
"Yeah. Definitely not oppa."
Decent question. Hadn't thought much about it.
"Call me whatever."
"Noona then."
"Unnie."
"Why'd you both pick the same?"
"You said whatever."
"But you don't look like oppa at all. Kinda weird calling you unnie too—you're shorter than me."
"I'm not short."
I was, technically. But she was freakishly tall for a girl. 170cm? How many girls are taller than you?
"Anyway, whatever."
"Yeonwoo-unnie?"
"...Feels weird."
Ugh, goosebumps. Anyway, titles sorted. Any real questions left?
"No constructive ones? Like team direction, or if I can still pro?"
"Team's not even full yet—what's the point? And he's support now."
"Wanna die?"
"What's wrong with Crisu as support?"
"Even as a girl, an Eld Champs-winning mid is more reliable than him."
"Fair."
Makes sense—Jang Seonho had gripes about support from the start. Resenting me wasn't odd; preferring me over Crisu wasn't either.
We were still a second-division team.
I was a better pick than Crisu, not a bad one. But that bruised Seo Seohui's pride.
"What makes you so great?! No, you! Yeonwoo-un... nie, you sucked back then, and your solo queue tier's lower than mine now!"
This bitch rubbing it in.
"That's why you rode my bus to Grandmaster."
"...Grr."
Ah, felt good. We'd resolved things with Crisu—no grudges—but the humiliation lingered.
"You got parked after crying over a loss...!"
...Memories didn't vanish.
"Called me unnie...!"
"There were reasons, ugh, what's the point. Fine, I cried. Crybaby here."
No use fighting—she'd just feed more. Admit it. Claiming that account was Proud's smurf? No proof, and it'd just lead to more teasing.
"No fun when you admit it easy."
"Shut it."
Yuseung, why chime in now?
"No more questions? Real ones."
"Me."
Jang Seonho again.
"You dating Yuseung-hyung?"
"No!"
"Wanna die?!"
This guy again.
"No, I mean, rumors lately. Yuseung-hyung made his girlfriend cry at a live event or something."
"That was me, but I'm not this guy's girlfriend. I was a guy originally."
"Heard, but hard to believe. Who sees a rare disease case IRL?"
"You'll feel it soon enough."
We're living together soon.
"Why'd you cry then?"
No way I'd say.
"If questions stay like this, we're done. Answer mine now."
"What's wrong with my questions?"
Screw that.
"Jang Seonho first—daily solo queue hours?"
"At least 6?"
"Seo Seohui?"
"Me too, 6."
"Yuseung?"
"Me too? Yeah, around there."
"Yeah, sure."
All failed!
"Huh?"
"Discipline's nonexistent."
But with me here, no more slacking.
"From today, solo queue non-stop except sleep and meals! Execute!"
One thing I'd forgotten...
"You're insane?"
"No way."
"Hell no."
My old teams never listened either.
These lazy asses.