Something Close to Respect
Yu Nari
At first, it was something close to respect.
He was the one who pulled my nothing of a drawings out into the world. The ones that had only ever scraped together a handful of reactions, circulating through SNS and community boards among a tiny few — he was the one who brought them out into the open.
Of course he felt like a benefactor to me.
It's funny, isn't it. Someone whose face I didn't even know… and I respected him all on my own.
And it wasn't just that.
Working with him was fun every single time. When we started our first project together, honestly, I was a nervous wreck. Maybe it wasn't all of my art that had caught his eye… maybe it was only a few pieces that happened to land.
I fretted that I wouldn't live up to what he expected. So the first time I drew something for him, I spent hours… no, days practicing at home, drawing and erasing on my own. I sent it only after being that careful.
And when he received that drawing, he said to me:
Reading that message, I stood right there and screamed a silent scream for a long while. My mouth stretched to my ears without me realizing it, and in a joy I couldn't contain I ran and jumped onto my bed, stomping my feet.
There was no better compliment than that for me. None.
From then on, every moment of working with him was happiness. Beyond fun — I felt happy.
It was really strange… the tastes we were looking at were exactly the same. From the fine details all the way to the somewhat perverted parts.
Even the personal preferences I'd snuck in thinking, I wonder if he'd like this too — he caught them in a single glance and asked if I could bring them out more.
Really… there was no one who fit me that well. I wanted to ask him the same thing. Are you reading my mind?
And so, beyond the work itself, the time we spent sharing each other's tastes and interests grew. Naturally, what I liked he liked, and what he liked I liked too.
It's amazing. It felt like being with another version of myself.
Because of him I gained confidence in my art, and by the time we released our first project I had grown so much even I could feel it.
Even so, honestly, on the day the game launched I couldn't help but be tense. It was his first release too, and mine.
I was afraid that maybe it was just the two of us, locked in our own little world, satisfying only each other.
And to be honest, until then I'd only drawn key art and illustrations — I'd never been in charge of character art with in-game animation before, so there were a lot of places where I fell short. I was so worried.
Worried that I might ruin the game of the person who had guided me this far.
But a week after launch, as the response grew massive, those worries dissolved on their own.
From the very first project, I tasted success like that. But I never once thought of it as my success. Of course I thought of it as the success he had brought me. If he hadn't chosen me in the first place, I'd still have been posting a few drawings on community boards and SNS, happy enough with the comments that came in.
But he sent me a message like this.
He spoke as if that success had come because of my art. It might have been something he said just to make me feel good — but that was enough.
What moved me most of all, though, was…
Hearing that, tears welled in my eyes. I mean… I was genuinely moved. My feelings swelled past what I could hold.
Saying he wanted to work with me again — that wasn't something someone could say if they were just empty-praising me.
Only then could I see my own success. The communities where I posted my art, SNS — all of them suddenly drew huge attention, and praise comments started pouring in.
Other people might tilt their heads and wonder if that even counted as praise — but to me, it was. Closer to raving, honestly. I'd drawn it to turn people on, and they were getting turned on like crazy.
After that, commission inquiries started pouring in from everywhere. I'd only ever drawn illustrations, and now I could handle game key art too… the volume of requests was enormous. The market that needed me had suddenly ballooned.
From indie games to sub-key-artist offers from major studios. Or key art for short comics, covers for all kinds of novels. There were even proposals asking if I'd ever thought about making a virtual model.
But… I turned them all down. I'd already decided to do the next project with him.
Money wasn't really something that could move me. Being with him was fun and happy. I wanted to keep drawing like that — dying over the same tastes, together.
So I started preparing the next project right away.
And from the moment I received the draft from him, I was already satisfied. Of course… he really knows what I draw well.Of course working with this person is the right answer.
I barely went to school, staying home and drawing like a madwoman. And whenever he logged into the messenger, I'd show him the drawings right away and we'd chatter together again.
Those moments made me so happy.
But those happy moments didn't last long.
From some day on, he stopped logging into that messenger. Well — there are days like that, and he was developing alone, so maybe he was just busy. That's what I told myself.
Days passed like that, then weeks.
Suddenly he started apologizing to me.
He said he'd been eliminated from the contest. Hearing that, fear hit me cold. What if the art I gave him was so bad that we got cut?
But… he said he'd missed the submission deadline.
Honestly, I was speechless.
It wasn't even that we'd been properly judged… just suddenly missing the deadline and getting eliminated. It was a reason I couldn't accept no matter how I tried.
Of course, I hadn't known anything about the contest deadline either. I only knew roughly that it was a piece for a contest… so I'd just poured myself into the art. That wasn't my job. I was just the person who needed to draw hard. I didn't even know exactly what contest it was.
And just like that, he left another short apology and disappeared. Without properly explaining why he'd missed the contest — he just vanished.
It felt like looking at a different person. And the worst part of all… even if it wasn't that stupid contest, he never even considered continuing development of what we'd prepared and releasing it separately.
Just… giving up on everything like that was the worst. As if that option had never existed for him, not for a single moment.
So I think that's when I gave up on him too.
Later, while I was still a little lost, Unnie contacted me asking if I had any interest in joining a competition. Hearing from Unnie like that was rare. Come to think of it, I really hadn't been in touch with the outside world at all.
I dragged Unnie into the club and then left her alone all this time. With that thought — and wanting to look after her a little… and with nothing else to do myself — I decided to join the competition.
When I showed up at the club after so long, there was some guy I'd never seen before. He already seemed to know Unnie a little. And they said he was the developer for our game.
In that moment, it hit me a little. The worry rose up — Can I really make a game with someone else? Outside of working with him… I was basically a complete beginner.
That worry lasted only a moment… then he suddenly revealed that he was kmj. I doubted my own ears. That was the nickname of the person I'd respected…
Honestly, it didn't make sense. The idea that an online connection like that was standing right in front of me. But that vanishingly rare coincidence seemed to have found me. A coincidence I was far from happy about. No — I don't know. What I felt. It seemed split cleanly down the middle.
The welcome and the flutter of facing the person I'd believed was another version of myself. And… the anger at the thought that he had the nerve to reveal his identity right in front of me.
So I was a little confused too. But I had absolutely no intention of working with him again. I'd been hurt in my own way. At the time, it felt like being abandoned by the family that had raised me.
So of course I firmly declared that I had no intention of working with him again. But he clung to me to the end.
You don't have the right to hold onto me. Coming back now to grab me… after throwing away everything we'd been working on, grabbing me just to make a fresh start at a competition… it pissed me off.
Who decided they could just brush off that past so easily and start over alone?
Fine. Let's get revenge. I can't just let this go. That attitude is too galling to stand.
Yes — at first, I clearly accepted his proposal with that mindset. I started it wanting him to get a taste of the same thing.
And so I started acting. It was definitely acting.
I'd always been good with people. So dealing with Minjae wasn't hard at all. He just got swept up in whatever I did and couldn't do a thing. Exactly the type that was easy for me to handle.
I reeled Minjae in like that… and eventually even heard the reason he'd ruined the contest.
Hearing that reason, genuine anger rose from somewhere deep inside. I should have been furious beyond reason… and at the same time, a strange feeling came with it.
He threw away our precious time over some girl like that?
So I was furious beyond reason. But… but… at the same time, in one corner, I felt a little jealous of that girl. Why was I having that feeling? And up to that point, that emotion was clearly the weaker one. Anger held the upper hand, and this jealousy was really only a fraction. A cute little feeling, nothing more.
But that small feeling, at some point, seemed to devour the inside of my heart… and it started having a huge influence on every action I took. It grew and grew, that little jealousy.
Had I been stuck to Minjae for so long that affection had formed without me noticing? Why was I ending up with a heart like that for no reason.
When I came to my senses, I was at Minjae's side, cheering for him to completely shake Seoa off.
Maybe I wanted to get it back too. The Minjae of the past. The time when we shared each other's tastes and worked happily together. I wanted to get back the Minjae I had respected.
Whether that wish of mine was coming true… Minjae eventually said he'd completely shaken Seoa off. And whether those words were true or not… after that, he started working with me at night.
It was so good. In those moments, I think I really, genuinely smiled at Minjae. No — honestly, I don't even know from where I was being sincere. I don't know from when it stopped being acting and I was truly staying by Minjae's side.
After school, after club. When I came home, Minjae and I would talk over messenger and work. It was like looking at the us of before. I was so happy. It felt like this would be enough.
If it stayed like this… I thought maybe I wouldn't have to betray him. Maybe from the very beginning, what I'd wanted was to get that Minjae back.
Living that kind of everyday life… my heart moved a little too. That was a fact I couldn't deny. I'd respected someone I'd never even seen in person enough to do it all on my own. And the Minjae I actually met was more than I'd expected. Of course I'd feel drawn to him.
There must have been attraction. That's why, the day Minjae drank alone with Seoa, when Seoa answered his phone and I heard her voice — I got so angry.
Well… even so, it was fine. Minjae had eventually cut Seoa off and was coming back to the Minjae I knew. He was working hard now, talking with me, sharing everyday life.
Yeah. I didn't fully understand it myself, but I thought the present was good.
The only thing that bothered me a little was the feeling that Sebin Unnie seemed to like Minjae. Something about it… if Unnie confessed to Minjae, I had a feeling he'd just accept it on the spot.
That couldn't happen. I'm sorry, but… I couldn't hand him over to Sebin Unnie like that. Then work would get pushed to the back burner for Minjae again. Then the moments when I was happiest would get stolen from me again.
So I floated the topic to Minjae a little. What he'd do if Unnie confessed… Minjae couldn't give a proper answer. Honestly, that was enough for me. The fact that he was even hesitating already suggested he didn't really have his heart set on her.
And then I casually asked what he'd do if I confessed.
Minjae, unlike with Unnie's situation earlier… looked completely flustered. With that alone, I felt like I'd already heard a full answer. It was cute. The way his whole heart showed in his attitude.
And on top of that… when I joked that I was pretty so it was fine, he just flat-out agreed, and for a moment my heart fluttered.
……I think I like Minjae. Maybe that was the natural course of things. Respect and love are different feelings, but falling in love with someone you respect wasn't that hard.
The moment I decided again to betray Minjae… was when I was drinking with a group of people from my major.
Seoa was at that gathering. Minjae must have been bothered by it, because he contacted me the second he saw my story. But the truth is, before Minjae even sent that message, I'd already talked with Seoa.
The moment the drinking started, Seoa came over to my side and spoke to me.
Minjae probably doesn't know this. That before he even contacted me out of worry that Seoa and I might say something weird to each other — I'd already talked with Seoa.