The Crossroads of Repetition and Growth (3)

Honestly… I couldn't say I hated that Seoa had come looking for me. After how coldly I'd pushed her away, the moment things started going badly for me… the hand she held out felt welcome.

I really was beyond saving, wasn't I? A complete piece of trash.

What right did I have to feel glad that Seoa had sought me out?

"You don't look so good… Minjae, are you okay?"

Seoa said that as she gently took one of my hands. And in that moment, I could see her wrist, half-hidden under her outerwear.

Just as that friend had said… Seoa's wrist was covered in thin scars and cuts, like they'd been sliced by fine thread. Wounds that had healed and reopened, over and over.

Seeing them… it hurt. I never meant for Seoa to go that far.

How had she ended up like this? Looking at her, I felt like a bad person myself.

So I'd been the one who hurt someone, too. I'd kept thinking of myself as the only one this kept happening to—but in the end, I was someone who'd done the same cruel thing to another person.

That was what crossed my mind.

And maybe the place I was meant to be all along had been at Seoa's side. That thought came with it.

So when she asked, I chose an ordinary answer.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just… tired."

"Okay. Um, maybe…"

"Seoa, want to walk home together after class today? It's been a while."

"…Really?"

"Yeah. It's been ages."

I was the one who suggested we walk home together. Somehow I had the feeling that was what she'd been about to ask.

And I wanted to say it came from not wanting her to fall apart any further. Looking at the state she was in, this didn't seem like something I could just pretend not to see.

When class ended, we left the lecture hall together for the first time in a long while.

Seoa took my hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Why the hand…"

"It's been a while."

"We ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠never held hands even back then…?"

"I don't know. It just feels like it's been forever."

Even as I said it, I didn't pull my hand away. I was only a little embarrassed—walking hand in hand with Seoa when there were so many people around.

But it was true we'd never held hands before. She was just insisting otherwise.

Still, seeing her like that did ease something in me. It felt like I was getting a glimpse of the old Seoa again. I was relieved she didn't seem so broken she couldn't even use her hands.

We were walking that way, leaving the engineering building behind, when it happened.

Back when I hadn't known Nari existed, I never realized she was someone you could run into this easily coming and going. But once I'd become aware of her, her figure stood out at a glance even from a distance.

The moment I saw her, I tried without thinking to pull my hand free of Seoa's. Seoa stopped me with everything she had. Whether she'd spotted Nari too… she clamped down hard and held on, protecting the hands we had locked together.

Right—why had I tried to let go of Seoa's hand? There was no reason to. Nari had never even thought of me as a friend to begin with. Everything had been an act.

I was the only one who'd given my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠heart to someone like that. Of course Nari could never like me. And yet… maybe I still hadn't fully accepted that, because the second I saw her I got self-conscious and tried to drop Seoa's hand.

I'd been about to do something that pointless.

I kept watching Nari without meaning to, and eventually our eyes met for a brief second. She must have felt my gaze and turned her head.

But Nari looked away first. Well—of course she would.

I wasn't in any position to get righteously angry at her, but Nari wasn't in any position to look me in the eye either. When our eyes met like this, hurriedly looking away was the only natural thing left of our current situation.

"But why aren't you hanging out with Nari unnie all of a sudden?"

"What… when were we ever that close? It was just business."

"Oh—because the competition's over?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

Seoa must have picked up on the strange atmosphere between us right away; she dug into the sore spot with a question like that.

But I had no intention of spelling it out. Being betrayed wasn't something to brag about, and what would I even gain by telling her? It would only expose how much of a sucker I'd been all over again.

So I brushed it off.

Right. We'd just been business. That was all it had been with Nari. A business deal that had ended in the worst possible way.

After that, the two of us really did walk the way home the way we used to. The only difference was that we were holding hands.

It felt strange even to me. How had I ended up walking home hand in hand with Seoa like this?

Maybe this was the ideal everyday life I'd wanted so badly all along.

"Minjae, look at this."

With the hand that wasn't holding mine, Seoa tucked her hair behind her ear and showed me.

And there, in her ear, hung the earrings I'd given her before.

The ones that had already started to fade even from my own memory.

"Why do you still never notice? I've been wearing these forever."

"…You must like them."

"Of course I do. You gave them to me."

I'd known she'd put those earrings on before. I was only a little surprised she was still wearing them.

After how coldly I'd treated her… the fact that she still had them on was a little…

We got close to her place. Seoa suddenly looked like she was about to ask me for something in a hurry.

"Give me a piggyback. We're almost at my house."

"…We're almost at your house, so you can just walk a little farther."

"Don't be like that. Carry me! Or I'm not moving from this spot?! And you used to do this for me before."

"You have to get down and walk once we get up ahead, okay?"

And with that, I gave in and hoisted her onto my back. It had been a while for this, too. It really felt like we'd gone back to how we used to be.

And she seemed even lighter than she had then. She'd been light enough before, but she was lighter now.

"I never realized your back was this broad… I didn't notice back then. It's cool."

"…You're still heavy."

"Yeah. You're the only one who can carry a heavy girl like me."

"…"

After confessing she liked me, she didn't even seem interested in hiding it anymore. The way she tossed out lines that embarrassing without batting an eye said ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as much.

But I didn't hate this either. If anything, it felt like I'd come back to where I belonged.

"Seoa, I'm sorry too. For being so cold to you all this time."

"…"

"So I hope you'll stop hurting yourself because of me."

"Is that you trying to leave me again? It's not… right?"

"I won't leave. If just having me nearby is enough."

"Yeah, it's enough. Just stay by my side. I'll do the chasing, so it's fine."

"…Just so you know, I like someone else."

"Even so—even so, it's fine. It's my turn this time. I'm not weak like you, so I won't give up. I won't let anyone take you. I'm going to make you fall for me again, no matter what."

"Yeah. You're stronger than I am. So just one favor. Your wrists… I saw them. So don't do that anymore."

The reason I'd approached Seoa like this… was really just the hope that she wouldn't do that kind of thing again.

If my simply being there was enough to keep her from going further, I figured I could yield that much. It wasn't that I was trying to give her my heart again. Yeah. That wasn't it.

For the first time today, it felt like we'd actually had this conversation with our feelings set aside. Somehow, today was the day. I'd always wanted to talk with Seoa like this, but every time it had ended up an emotional fight. Today, though, it felt like we'd just… talked, as if it were nothing.

This wasn't so much going back to how we used to be as starting over in a new way.

Time passed, and the day of the first-round results arrived.

Honestly, I was a little nervous. Maybe it was ridiculous to have slapped something together in such a rush and still be hoping for anything.

Noona and I sat alone in the club room, staring at the monitor together. Then I opened my inbox and read the email from the organizers.

The result… we'd passed the first round.

We'd been given a shot at the second screening.

Honestly, I was happy. At least all that effort hadn't gone completely to waste… relief settled in alongside a real sense of achievement.

It had been a while. Feeling this kind of accomplishment. Feeling the thrill of a win—it felt like forever.

Noona couldn't hide how glad she was either; before we knew it, we were holding hands and celebrating together.

Really… in that sudden rush of dopamine, we'd grabbed each other's hands without even realizing it.

We let go a little awkwardly afterward. But the fact that we'd made it didn't change.

And passing the first round meant more to me than just success. There was the victory of having done it without Nari's art, too.

Maybe I even felt a little smug. Thinking of Nari looking at our game—the one that had passed without a single one of her drawings—I felt a flicker of satisfaction.

She had to be watching these results. She'd definitely check. And I wondered what face she'd make when she saw our game sitting there, bold as anything, on the first-round pass list.

When Nari betrayed me.

She must have done it hoping I'd fail. But this time I hadn't collapsed the way she wanted. I'd held on.

Now my goal was set. I was going to take this game all the way to the finals and place. And this game carried a bigger meaning at the same time.

It was the game Sebin noona had wanted to make. With the game Sebin noona had wanted to make, I was going to succeed in this competition. That was how I'd pay back every bit of the guilt I'd been carrying toward her all this time.