At the Crossroads of Repetition and Growth (2)
Sebin must truly have been waiting for my call. Not long after I hung up, she messaged to say she was already at my place.
So I opened the door and let her in.
"You worked hard!"
The moment she saw me, those were the first words out of her mouth. I managed an awkward smile.
Then she held up a bulging plastic bag, the kind you get from a convenience store.
"It's still a celebration, though. Figured we ought to have at least some beer. That okay with you, Minjae?"
"Of course."
We sat side by side on the floor, backs against the bed, each of us holding a small can of beer.
For a while we just sipped at them in silence, saying nothing at all.
For a celebration, the atmosphere was pretty heavy. Maybe because we both knew this wasn't a moment for pure, uncomplicated cheer.
So we were careful with each other.
I still felt guilty toward Sebin. And she, for her part, seemed to be reading the room, unsure whether a bright, congratulatory mood was even appropriate. That was probably why the air in the room felt so weighted.
"Actually… on the way over here, I ended up talking to Nari on the phone."
"Ah… you did?"
She was the one who broke the silence, starting carefully, as if she were still deciding whether she should even bring it up. Judging by that, whatever she was about to say wasn't going to be pleasant. The heavy mood looked like it would hang around a little longer.
"The second she picked up, Nari started apologizing to me. So you know what I told her?"
"I don't know. You didn't actually accept the apology, did you?"
"Come on… what kind of person do you take me for?"
"Well, you're just so kind and warmhearted. So…"
"Maybe that's just how I look to you, Minjae. Anyway, I told Nari she didn't need to apologize. That you'd already submitted everything on your own, so there wasn't really a problem."
"What did she say to that?"
"She just… got flustered, said okay, and hung up. But isn't it weird? She treats you like that and then apologizes to me… I don't really get it. If she was going to do that, she shouldn't have done it in the first place. And apologizing only to me makes it sound like she has no reason to apologize to you."
Sebin was still firmly on my side. The kind of person who would stay even if everyone else walked away and turned their backs on me.
Even now… she was right here, holding her place beside me.
But one thing snagged at me. That last thing she said — that she couldn't understand why the apology was only for her.
That bothered me a little. From her reaction… it seemed Nari hadn't told her why she'd done what she did. Maybe that was Nari's last bit of consideration for me.
What Nari and I had been to each other, the wrong I'd done her first… Sebin still didn't know any of that. Even back when the two of us had talked in the club room, we'd only ever talked about Seoa.
I hadn't brought up the real reason I'd blown the contest. I'd only said there had been a stretch when things with Seoa got hard and I'd lost my way for a while.
So even when I explained today's mess over the phone earlier, I hadn't bothered to tell her why Nari had done it. I'd just said Nari's feelings had changed and she hadn't drawn the art. That she'd simply betrayed us.
I was a coward, too. I'd hidden my own fault because I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. But… who can bare their ugliest parts that freely?
And in exchange for hiding it… I'd made up for it somehow. The guilt of knowing Sebin would take the hit because of me had pushed me to dig deep and finish the work. So maybe I deserved a little grace for that.
Yeah. Maybe the real victim here was Sebin. I'd gotten the revenge I had coming. She was the one facing the messy end of this competition without knowing a thing.
So of course the whole situation would feel absurd and infuriating to her. And yet she wasn't showing any of that anger in front of me. She'd probably decided that if she let her own emotions spill out, everything would only get darker.
She seemed like someone truly remarkable. How could anyone be that mature? From her perspective, Nari had stabbed them in the back for no reason at all — she should have hated her. The way she held her feelings in check with that almost frightening composure was impressive.
Which was exactly why I felt so sorry toward her.
"I'm fine. If anything, I'm the one who wants to apologize to you. You worked so hard running this with me, and it feels like I ruined the ending… I'm sorry."
"Why do you think you ruined it? Nari's the one who ruined it. You're the one who was incredible, Minjae. I'm grateful, too. You somehow finished it even in that situation."
That was what she said. And I was genuinely grateful… she didn't put any of the blame on me. There was nothing to blame me for, really — she didn't know what I'd done, so she saw it as entirely Nari's fault. Maybe that was why she was building me up even more.
It was the same feeling I'd gotten the first time I met her and received comfort I hadn't earned… I was getting that feeling again now.
That sense of someone gently smoothing over the raw places in my heart. Sebin had always protected me like that from right beside me.
And so, in a corner of my mind, a small guilt began to bloom. It felt like I was deceiving her.
Would she still stay by my side once she knew everything about the kind of person I'd been? The thought made me afraid she might leave me too. I was afraid… but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth now.
Even if I said it, there was no guarantee she wouldn't walk away. The timing would just change… and if she was the kind of person who would leave out of disappointment once she knew what I'd been, if that future was already set, then of course my choice was to push that future as far off as I could.
And maybe that was just me making things easier for present me at the expense of future me.
In the end, I kept my mouth shut. Once again, I had to stay silent in front of Sebin. Because that was the kind of cowardly coward I was.
And because I was turning all of that over in my head, I was literally sitting there with my lips pressed tight. She looked at me for a long moment.
"It must have been hard, submitting it alone on time. Your stubble's already grown out this much."
"Ah…"
I hurriedly covered my mouth with my hand, hiding the beard. Come to think of it… I'd been so buried in the work I hadn't even noticed it growing.
And… she was noticing even that.
She could have looked at my scruffy face and thought it was messy. Instead she was reading how hard I'd been working. Even in a situation like this, that made my heart skip a little. In the middle of all those tangled thoughts, I still felt a flutter of something.
"Sh-should I go shave it now?"
"No. It's just cute. And I never get to see this scruffy version of you normally. It feels special, like something I only get to see right now… I'd rather you only showed this side to me."
"That's a little embarrassing…"
Going into the bathroom to shave and coming back out felt weird at this point… so even though I was embarrassed, I ended up spending the time with her like that.
After that, the heavy atmosphere loosened a little, and we laughed and talked for a while.
Yeah. As long as things had worked out this far, that was enough. I didn't need to dig up my own past out of some guilty conscience. As long as those old sins never came to light, that was fine.
And strangely, as if we'd made a silent pact, we didn't talk about the competition again. Sitting there celebrating a successful submission, we never once brought the actual contest up.
Sebin went home before the last trains stopped running.
Honestly… I was disappointed, and she showed her disappointment too. But she always seemed to head back before public transit shut down for the night. So I had no choice but to let her go. I even wondered if she had some kind of curfew.
After I sent her off… the room was mine alone again.
It felt like stepping out of somewhere incredibly loud into sudden quiet.
In an instant, everything went hollow. As long as she'd been beside me it had been fine… but left alone, I felt strangely off.
My drive drained away all at once. Like a balloon full of air suddenly deflating, I let all the life out of myself in a single breath. Maybe because I'd poured out every last bit of strength I had.
As if… I'd been forcing myself to keep going this whole time. The version of me that had been thrashing just to keep from collapsing had finally finished everything he needed to do, and the strength had run out.
All those shitty feelings I'd been burying under the work, the weakness I'd been swallowing down because I couldn't let even Sebin get hurt by it —
I could finally let them show. Apparently my weakness wasn't something I could shake off that easily.
Because here I was, tasting the depression again. Right. How could a person's nature change overnight? Someone who'd spent his whole life thinking nothing but cowardly, weak thoughts couldn't transform in a single moment. Still, I'd held on longer this time. I was satisfied with that.
Unlike before… I'd done everything I could, and now I was the one groaning under this depression.
At least I'd fixed my own mistake and then fallen apart. I hadn't just given up and let go of everything.
That was enough. For someone like me, that was a pretty solid showing.
Honestly… it hurt so much. It was so hard.
Even if I told myself I'd settled my karmic debt… I couldn't accept it easily. No — more than that, losing Nari hurt too much.
I'd really… thought she was a good person. Spending time with her had made me so happy, so glad… and knowing it hadn't been the same for her was driving me insane.
I'd already given up on being angry at her a long time ago. I'd been betrayed, and I wasn't even resentful.
I was just sad. Thinking it had all been a lie made me so sad.
From the start I'd looked at Nari and thought she resembled Seoa… and even the ending was turning out similar. My relationship with Nari had been a merciless mirror of my past all along. Which meant I'd been one-sidedly in love with her too. That was probably why today's betrayal cut so deep.
Because once again, I'd had to lose someone I loved. Once again, my one-sided love was ending in this miserable shape.
And just like that, my last ember seemed to go out.
The next day.
I somehow made it to campus with empty eyes. I didn't make the morning classes, of course. Probably all the fatigue that had piled up.
And naturally, I was alone again.
Nari, who used to meet me at school and spend time with me, wasn't at my side anymore. And… I'd pushed Seoa away with my own hands, so she wasn't there either. In a way, it felt like Nari had taken Seoa from me too. Because after meeting Nari, I'd finally decided I could cut Seoa out of myself for good.
And then Nari had left me. I wanted to blame all of it on her. I'd pushed Seoa away myself, but I wanted to say Nari had egged me into it.
And just like that, I'd fallen into being a complete loner.
Yeah. This was what I'd always been. I shouldn't think of myself as too unhappy. This was just who I was.
The only reason I was still holding myself together was probably Sebin. It felt like I'd gone back in time. Meeting her in the club room again, keeping my heart steady through that routine. Like I was repeating that same daily life all over again.
Thinking that filled me with so much self-loathing I thought I'd lose my mind. I really hadn't changed at all. I'd only been pretending to change.
That was the version of me sitting in the very back of the lecture hall, staring blankly at the time going by. Honestly, none of the lecture content was getting through. I didn't even want to listen.
But then, strangely, Seoa moved seats and sat down beside me. After the lecture had already started, she came over late and took the seat next to mine.
How had she come to me at exactly this moment?
"Minjae, is something wrong? You didn't come to morning class either…"