The Crossroads of Repetition and Growth

“There’s nothing for me to help with. I haven’t drawn a single picture. And I don’t plan to.”

“What?”

“How does it feel? Getting exactly what you did thrown right back at you?”

“…….”

What was Nari saying to me right now?

I didn’t know… No—I didn’t want to know.

I wanted to deny it.

Please, don’t let it mean that… Please, don’t let those be the words… Please, don’t do this.

I knew what Nari’s words meant. There was no way I couldn’t. I knew, and still I didn’t want to believe it. I knew, and still I wanted to tell myself it wasn’t true.

Nari was trying to get revenge on me. She had held onto the way I had ruined that contest… and now she was paying me back in exactly the same way.

My mind went blank.

Betrayed like this when we had to submit today? All the effort I had poured into this, reduced to nothing?

Yes—of course those reasons would make sense. Of course they would be why I was in this much pain.

But the real shock…

The real shock was that I had no idea from what point onward Nari had been faking everything.

Our competition would end like this, sure. But what about us? Did that mean every moment we had spent together, everything we had built, had been a lie as well?

The thought made it impossible to hold onto my sanity.

This was the moment I even began to doubt Nari as a human being. How could a person do something like this?

“You… Don’t tell me you planned this from the start?”

“Yeah. What, you think I’d be crazy enough to work with someone who went and ruined a contest on a whim again?”

“……Is that real? So all the time we spent together was just an act?”

“Who knows… Figure that out yourself.”

I wouldn’t even complain about her wrecking the competition like this. Just please—please don’t say something that cruel, that every single one of those moments had been a lie. I wanted to beg her for that much.

That was what terrified me most.

But Nari never granted that wish. I felt a taut string somewhere inside me snap clean through.

Tears I didn’t understand spilled from my eyes. I hadn’t wanted to cry. They just poured out, unstoppable. And then laughter burst out with them. I didn’t even know why I was crying, and I understood even less why I was laughing in a situation like this.

I didn’t understand my own feelings. Was I just scoffing at myself?

“I see. Yeah. Okay. It was my fault to begin with.”

“……Yeah, you know that well enough. I’ve said everything I needed to say, so I’m going inside. Figure it out yourself.”

“And you…? How do you feel right now? Satisfied? You waited a long time for this… It must’ve been hard for you too, staying close to someone you wanted revenge on for so long. It must feel exhilarating, right? After all that effort, it paid off.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Thank you. I wanted to say thank you. At least… you didn’t wait until I was completely helpless, the way I did.”

“Yeah. That’s my last bit of consideration. Turns out I’m not that rotten a person after all. And the drawings I already gave you—you can use those. I’ll allow that much.”

Nari said it as if she were doing me a favor. Disgustingly, she played at being a good person. But I didn’t even have the strength left to get angry. I just… felt nothing.

It was like I had given up. Like I had lost everything so hollowly that I no longer knew where or how to even begin, so I had simply let go.

“It’s fine. You don’t need to show me that kind of consideration. It’s all over anyway. Just like ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠you wanted… I got the exact same treatment. And I didn’t even realize it—I actually told you I wanted to keep working with you even after this competition ended. And you answered that if I still wanted to work together after it was over, you would. So that’s what that meant. I get it now. And once I think about it that way… I can see you really did plan on revenge from the very beginning.”

Hearing that, Nari bit her lip lightly. I didn’t understand why she did it. I didn’t understand why my words seemed to shake her emotionally at all.

This… this is the version of me you wanted, isn’t it? You shouldn’t be making a face like that right now… You should be wearing an expression dripping with satisfaction and thrills. You’re not supposed to look like you feel any guilt… right?

“Think whatever you want…”

And with that, Nari went back inside. There wasn’t the slightest hesitation in her steps.

I stood there for a long time, doing nothing, simply watching time pass.

I wanted to ask instead. What was I even supposed to do now? In a situation like this, what could I possibly do?

Yeah—there was absolutely nothing left that I could do, which somehow made it easier to give up.

I didn’t even feel like scrambling to fix anything.

Just… stop suffering already. Go home and rest. I still hadn’t even gotten a proper night’s sleep.

I came home and threw myself onto the bed. I was still in my outdoor clothes, but that didn’t matter right now. I wasn’t in any state to care about something like that.

I buried my face in the pillow and screamed.

I screamed because I was so furious that my life had ended up in this pathetic state. I had tried hard too, hadn’t I? I hadn’t liked the person I was, so I had worked to change, hadn’t I?

And this was the result of that effort?

This was just… the same thing repeating all over again. Why did it keep turning out like this… Was this just me reaping what I had sown? Was the problem that I had so easily washed my hands of the mistakes I made in the past and tried to change?

So in the end, it was my fault again?

I had been leaning, completely on my own, on the near-illusion that was Nari. I had opened my heart far too deeply to someone who had only been acting for the sake of revenge.

I had thought, without knowing a thing, that I wanted to keep working with her afterward, grow together, and spend our days like that.

But those thoughts, those hopes of mine, vanished in an instant like smoke. Vanished so thoroughly that the me who had wished for them felt pathetic. So thoroughly that the version of me who had pictured that future alone, who had found strength and gotten excited and worked hard, felt ashamed.

Then who the hell had I been drawing courage from this whole time? Who had been comforting me? ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Had I really found the strength to stand back up from nothing more than Nari’s performance?

God… I was pathetic.

Just go to sleep… The more I tormented myself with thoughts like these, the more the incoming wave of sorrow scared me. Run away. Escape this misery by sleeping, if nothing else.

And so, once again, I seemed to fall asleep.

What woke me from that sleep I had fled into like an escape from reality was the loud ringing of my phone.

Startled awake by the sound, I first looked around. It seemed to be morning. There was no real need to check the time in a panic anymore… yet out of habit I still jolted and scanned my surroundings.

Then I answered the call. It was Se-bin noona.

I would have to tell Se-bin noona too.

But… even if Nari had wanted revenge on me, doing this to Se-bin noona as well felt wrong.

What had Se-bin noona ever done wrong… She was just a pure person who had thrown herself wholeheartedly into this competition.

I could tell myself that what I was going through was me paying for my own sins. But… this was too much for Se-bin noona.

So I felt a little sorry about having to tell her. Because this, too, ultimately felt like my fault.

In the end, because of what I had done in the past… even Se-bin noona, who had simply been by my side, was getting hurt along with me. I could say Nari’s actions were wrong, but it still felt like I had provided the cause.

Was this another price I had to bear?

I told her everything that had happened with Nari earlier. Noona listened quietly until the story was finished. Then, without asking a single question, she spoke to me calmly.

Noona said she would come to my place immediately. But I couldn’t accept that.

Of course I couldn’t—because she had been running just as hard as I had. I knew better than anyone that she had participated in this competition with her whole heart. And so… facing her now, when everything had been reduced to nothing because of my past mistakes, terrified me. I had no face left to show her.

What meaning was there in me facing her like this? None at all. It would just be her wrapping her arms around the pathetic version of me who had lost everything again. Just her holding the broken me who had fallen apart alone once more.

And then I would be the exact same person I was back then. Growth? What growth… It would just be me admitting I had been running in place the whole time.

As those thoughts ran through my head, a strong conviction rose that I couldn’t let things stay like this.

Just a little while ago… I had been ready to give up on everything. Ready to accept this miserable reality of failing to change yet again and simply surrender… But now the thought that I couldn’t do that began to take hold.

This was my real chance to become different. I forced myself to reframe it that way and pushed myself hard.

And then I hung up.

Yeah. Let’s try. I was going to try. The mistake I made, I would fix with my own hands.

I sat down in front of the computer right away. Then I hurriedly opened the asset store and started searching for images whose atmosphere matched our game’s concept ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as closely as possible.

I paid for a few. Others I could download for free. For now, I planned to fill in temporary images and submit like that.

Of course, that method couldn’t fully replace the main-screen illustration or the concept art for the proposal document.

Even so, I decided it was enough. No—I had to believe it was enough. Because that was all I could do right now.

As for the concept art for the proposal, I planned to roughly cut scenes already implemented in the game and use them to clearly introduce the overall art direction our game would take.

I could do this just fine without Nari’s drawings. I burned that conviction into myself.

It had started from the simple resolve that I didn’t want to repeat the same past all over again—but somewhere along the way, the fire had turned into a determination to pass the first screening without a single one of Nari’s drawings.

So… I wanted to pass this first round right in front of her face.

And what? She said I could use the drawings she had already sent me?

Don’t make me laugh… As if I would use those drawings. After being betrayed like that, as if I would gratefully accept and use them.

Even without Nari’s art, we could at least clear the first-round criteria. And once we passed the first round, we could always find a new illustrator later.

With that mindset, I really started hammering the keyboard again with everything I had.

This time I wouldn’t collapse so easily. I would give it everything I was capable of.

7 p.m.

I successfully submitted the game’s design document and prototype by email.

Thank god I had finished all my own work yesterday… I really almost wouldn’t have even been able to attempt this last desperate push.

After the submission went through… I didn’t even have time to feel relief or pride. I immediately called noona.

Rather than feeling those emotions alone, I wanted to tell her right away and share them. I wanted to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠feel the relief together and the pride together.

She must have been fretting on her own the whole time too…

I asked her that. Whether she could come to my place now. And as I said it, I finally felt the tension drain a little from my whole body. At the same time, all the anger and sorrow I had been forcing down seemed to rush in at once the moment the situation was over, as if they had been waiting for exactly this.

Noona answered in that warm voice of hers.

She had always been the person who stayed by my side with warmth. No matter how ugly or weak I looked, she had always been there, offering a gentle smile.