My Heart That Couldn't Reach
It was the day I had planned to have a meal with my mother.
We were supposed to eat together, and yet I was the one more excited. Maybe it was because I thought I would get to spend time with Minjae. For some reason, my heart felt light and fluttering—as if today existed just for me.
When I met Minjae in front of my house, it was as if the two of us from years ago had been overlaid onto the present. There he was, waiting for me outside like it was nothing. The way he would lightly scold me for coming out late every time, the way he would fuss in that timid, prickly way of his—it was all so endearing.
And so we walked toward my parents' house as if we had briefly stepped back into the past.
That stretch of time felt wonderful. Walking close beside Minjae, trading idle little bits of conversation… being able to laugh together.
It was only a fleeting moment, but it felt like we had gone back to how things used to be, and that made me so happy. Happy the way you feel when a stretch of time seems given over entirely to you alone.
Ever since I first became aware of how I felt about Minjae—that I liked him—I had not been able to stop that feeling from growing.
Just walking and talking about nothing special is enough to make me this happy… What am I supposed to do?
I have to get Minjae back to my side, no matter what.
So before we went into the house, I tossed out a careful remark. In an atmosphere like this, I thought, he might listen without too much resistance.
But Minjae recoiled from my words as if I had stirred up a past he never wanted to touch again.
…Right.
That was our reality now. The happy stretch I had just spent with him might have been nothing more than an illusion I had spun for myself. Maybe I had been the only one talking, and Minjae had simply kept walking in silence. Maybe I alone had decided it was a happy time.
Waking from that brief, sweet dream and returning to reality, I could not calm the sudden upheaval in my chest.
I clenched my fists and bit lightly into my lip. I had to ease, even a little, the ache twisting through my heart.
Minjae didn't see, did he? How shaken I am right now… If I keep letting my emotions show like this, he might turn around and leave for real—before we even sit down to eat with my mother.
"Oh my—! It's been so long, Minjae."
My mother greeted him with open delight as he came in with me. And Minjae, as if nothing were wrong, returned her greeting with easy, polished courtesy.
Watching that made me feel strange. The way he had been so cold toward me, and yet stood there being so politely attentive to my mother… it left an odd feeling in my chest.
How should I put it—my heart raced a little. Without meaning to, I found myself stirred by that side of him. Seeing him treat my mother as kindly as he used to made me happy. Even if he was only doing it because I had asked, the fact that he could still show that face of his moved me more than I expected.
We sat side by side and ate the meal my mother had set out.
In front of her, Minjae began treating me the way he used to. He met my eyes and talked to me normally… we laughed together over old stories.
It did not feel like a trick of my mind. It looked real. And what made me feel it most keenly was the way he matched his eating pace to mine.
I had always been a slow eater, and Minjae had always waited for me. Once I had even complained about it—couldn't he try to keep pace with me a little? After that, he would glance over while we ate and adjust his speed.
And… he was still doing it now. A faint, complicated feeling rose from some far corner of my chest. I was grateful that he still paid that kind of attention to me—and at the same time, something about it felt strangely bittersweet.
Minjae really was someone who looked after me like this. I like him so much.
My ears felt hot for no reason. And because I never knew when he might look over and speak to me casually again, I kept myself ready, eating carefully, prettily.
But then my mother suddenly started saying strange things. She brought up Woo-bin out of nowhere…
Mom!! Please don't say things like that! This is not the time to bring that person up!
I screamed it inside myself—a soundless cry.
"Honestly. You've got such a good man sitting right next to you—why keep looking elsewhere?"
In the end, those words came out of her mouth. They landed as if she were pointing out my own fault.
I knew. I knew there had been such a good man beside me. The problem was that I had realized it too late. Why had no one told me? By now it almost felt as if, with a little exaggeration, the entire world except me had known—that someone this good had been right there at my side.
Of course I could not manage any reply. And Minjae, like me, said nothing at all.
So my mother kept teasing us, mischievously, without any idea what we looked like now, without knowing that my insides were burning black.
"That promise you two made about marrying each other when you grew up—is that still good? Hohoho…"
At those words, the fingers holding my chopsticks trembled without my meaning them to. Just hearing it made a corner of my chest go cold and sharp.
I glanced sideways at Minjae. I already expected he would not give a positive answer. Even so, I held a little hope.
Please… just don't deny it too hard. That small hope.
But once again, Minjae said nothing—as if the question itself put him in an awkward spot.
What does that mean? That silence. At least… he didn't flat-out reject it, right?
I soothed myself that way alone, picking at rice that would not go down, watching Minjae's face the whole time.
I wanted this moment to last—and at the same time, because it kept stabbing so sharply into my heart, I also wanted it to be over quickly.
"So does that mean Minjae likes someone else now?"
…!
At my mother's question, my breath caught hard in my throat. It was not that I chose to hold it—I simply could not breathe. I was too tense.
I kept glancing sideways, waiting to see how Minjae would answer. I was shaking. My heart was shaking.
"Well… you can't stay in the same place forever."
……What is that supposed to mean?
Minjae… is that true? Do you really like someone else now? Are you saying your heart no longer stays by my side—that it has left for somewhere else…?
If you were going to say something like that… you should have just stayed quiet like before… Why answer so clearly this time? As if you wanted me to hear every word.
It hurts so much. Minjae, when you say things like that, it hurts so much…
If I was not careful, the tears would come right then. It really felt as if they might spill at any second.
But I could not cry here, not so messily.
If I cry here… I'd only feel sorry toward Minjae, who came all this way for me. He's doing such a good job of acting out how we used to be. I can't be the one who ruins it…
I was barely holding the tears back when Minjae, with no idea what was going on inside me, suddenly pushed the dish of seasoned dried shredded squid toward me.
"Eat plenty. You like this, don't you?"
Haa… How can Minjae act like this? My heart is breaking, and he can still casually set out the side dish I used to love as if nothing is wrong.
And me… I don't even know what he usually likes. How lightly did I take him? Looking back now, there is not a single thing I did well for him, and the regret is crushing.
And even knowing his gesture was an act… it was so real that I almost took it as genuine without meaning to. No—I wanted it to be genuine. I wanted him to still hold me in his heart, to still be looking after me.
But Minjae, as if he did not want me entertaining even that kind of misunderstanding, blinked once and sent me a signal—a cruel little signal that this was only performance. He was waking me up so I could not even sink into a sweet dream for a moment.
"But… I can eat just fine without you looking after me like this, you know…?"
I forced out words I did not want to say. I had to keep acting. I had to deliver a line the old me would have said. And even as I said it, the line made me reflect bitterly on who I used to be.
That isn't how I feel at all right now… Right now I want to thank him, want to act cute toward him this very second…
It hurt. It hurt that I had to say something like that to Minjae.
I can't do this anymore. I really can't. Today I have to confess how I feel to him.
Looking at the state I was in, this feeling was far too big to keep carrying alone.
I love Minjae so much right now. It's time to face this head-on. If I don't, I think I'll go out of my mind from how hard it is.
With that thought, I made up my mind: today, one way or another, I would tell Minjae how I felt and settle this.
Afterward, while we washed the dishes we had used side by side, I finally managed to steal a little of Minjae's time.
I planned to get him drinking at my place. Even I had to admit it was a bold idea… bringing the person I liked into my home and thinking of getting him drunk.
But I had no choice but to borrow the strength of alcohol. The moment the meal with my mother ended and Minjae's coldness returned, I knew that without drinks I would never be able to keep him there.
If I could get him even a little drunk… then no matter what I threw at him, I might stand a chance.
Honestly… it was a little embarrassing, but I had steeled myself for that too. I was ready to give Minjae my first time. If he would only come over to me… I truly meant to give him everything. No—more than that… I wanted to give him everything I had. So please, I thought, don't push that heart of mine away. Take it.
With that resolve, I packed the soju bottles thick.
Carrying a plastic bag heavy with soju, we walked back to my place. That stretch of road left me trembling and trembling again. Just thinking of drinking alone with Minjae at my house made my heart start pounding already.
Today… I am not giving up. I am not letting him leave empty-handed.