My Heart That Couldn't Reach (2)

In the small room we sat facing each other, drinks resting on the cute little table between us.

I set the soju on the table as if it were nothing, but inside I was trembling hard. Just the thought of being alone with Minjae in this tiny room sent a sharp, electric shiver through the insides of my thighs.

Then I sent him outside for a moment, saying I needed to change.

While I changed I hesitated. Should I put on something deliberately revealing? I wanted him to look at me again, even if it took that.

In the end… I changed into something a little lighter than usual. Showing myself to Minjae like this made me feel shy… and a little too obvious.

Is this too sexy…?

I fretted over it alone for far too long before deciding to just go for it and opened the door to let him back in.

I felt his gaze, just a little. It felt good. Being looked at still embarrassed me, but knowing Minjae was looking at me made me happy.

That was the first night we drank together.

Honestly, it stung a little. The fact that he’d already drunk with someone else came back to me and left a bitter taste. Still, he’d never sat in a cramped room like this, just the two of us, chatting over drinks. I soothed the disappointment with that thought.

Haa… I’m happy. I just want to stay like this with Minjae forever.

Wanting to stretch the conversation as long as possible, I deliberately filled the time with empty talk.

Before I knew it I’d drunk quite a lot. My body ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was growing hot and a slow dizziness was starting to set in. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk first… without realizing it, I’d completely lost control of my pace.

Sitting face-to-face with him made me tremble, and knowing I was about to confess made the tension pile up until it was almost unbearable.

Minjae had no idea what was going on inside me. He was starting to look faintly annoyed.

Ah… what do I do?

Maybe it was the alcohol. Dangerous thoughts began to surface.

Thoughts like… what if I just pushed him down right now? What ending would wait for us if I simply did it while drunk? That would still be a way of confessing, wouldn’t it? It didn’t even feel that wrong.

Or rather—was Minjae really completely unaffected? We were drinking alone together. In my house. Just the two of us.

Even if his feelings weren’t what they used to be… he couldn’t be completely unaware.

I was dressed this provocatively… and I hadn’t bothered to keep pulling up the strap of my sleeveless top that kept slipping down.

I’d worked up so much courage for this… did looking at me really leave him with no thoughts at all?

Aaah… I don’t know anymore. I have to say it for real.

“I like you. Minjae… I like you.”

In the end I forced the words I’d kept locked deep inside out into the open.

My heart pounded so hard it felt ready to burst. I was trembling too much to even meet his eyes properly.

What expression was Minjae wearing after hearing that confession…? I couldn’t bring myself to check. I was scared, and I was shaking.

But my confession drifted through the air like something that had lost its way, and no answer came back.

I grew frantic. No matter how I looked at it… the complete lack of reaction was starting to feel like rejection.

No… not like this…

With that desperate feeling I kept adding words and moved closer, then threw my arms around him.

Please… I’m being this forward, so come toward me even a little. Take even one step closer to me.

But for all my racing heart and fluttering chest… the feelings I poured out so desperately only looked pathetic.

Minjae started getting angry at me instead. It felt exactly like watching him tear up a shy love letter I’d written right in front of my eyes.

Was this ending something I’d brought on myself after all?

Then how am I supposed to hold on to you now? Am I just never going to be able to stop you from leaving?

Watching Minjae lash out at me as if pouring out every grudge he’d been storing up, those thoughts rose unbidden.

You never tried to understand me either. Even now you have no idea what kind of heart I’m holding you with… what I look like while I’m clinging to you. You never once looked back at me like this.

You’ve been plenty cruel to me too…

The way you sit in front of me looking so peaceful, as if that bitch Lee Sebin somehow saved you… the way you walk around laughing with Yu Nari like you’ve found some new nest…

I’ve already been punished enough. So… isn’t it okay to look at me a little now? What more am I supposed to do? What worse punishment do I still have to take before my sins are washed clean?

Please… look at me now. Comfort me a little. The way you used to run to my side whenever I was struggling, please just comfort me.

Maybe the request I made then was unreasonable. Maybe the words I spat out were closer to a threat.

That was how cornered I felt. If I didn’t play some kind of strong card here… it really felt like Minjae and I would end right then and there.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Look at him walking toward the front door without a shred of lingering attachment. Even after I clung to him like that… look at him trying to leave this place without the slightest hesitation.

Seeing him like that made me feel like I had to force even the most absurd demand.

And at those words of mine, thick with threat, Minjae let out a long sigh and turned back toward me.

Is he coming back…? Thank god. He ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hadn’t completely emptied me out of himself after all, not enough to leave me like this. Hurry and come comfort me. I really… want to feel your hands and be held in your arms. Not me holding you—I want you to hold me with your own hands.

But contrary to my hopes, Minjae picked up an empty soju bottle from the floor and smashed it against the desk.

The bottle shattered with a clear, ringing sound, glass scattering everywhere, and it looked exactly like my shattered expectations.

He didn’t flinch at all… he just walked toward me, stepping on the glass shards scattered across the floor. As if he wanted to tell me that I was the one who’d forced him to come back, that I was the reason he was stepping on this glass. He walked toward me without even caring about the socks that were steadily turning red.

Stop… please stop. Stop hurting my heart. Please don’t make it seem like you’re doing this because of me.

The Minjae I knew would never do something like this… the thought that he was only acting this insane because of me made me feel sick with misery.

So I immediately begged. I said I’d only been thinking of myself… I went right up to him and begged desperately. Right in front of Minjae, who was still breathing hard with eyes that had lost all reason, I begged and begged.

And seizing that opening, I had no choice but to pull him into my arms again with my own hands to calm him down.

“I’m sorry… I think I got too emotional. I won’t do it again. So calm down. Let’s… just rest like this for a little while. Let’s put everything down and take a moment. Okay? We’ve come too far already… let’s just stop here for a bit.”

Saying those words, I felt it too. We really had come too far. How had we ended up this broken?

Fortunately, Minjae in my arms seemed to calm a little. His ragged breathing began to settle.

I sat him on the edge of the bed and checked his feet. He looked badly hurt… I was so worried I could barely stand it. I’d never seen socks soaked in blood like that before. Bloody footprints already trailed across the floor where he’d walked. And more than anything, the thought that he’d gotten these wounds because of me made it impossible to stay still.

So I sat on the floor and started pulling the glass shards out of his feet. And in that moment Minjae suddenly collapsed backward onto the bed.

Honestly, it startled me badly. I thought he might have fainted or something…

I climbed onto the bed with him to check, and thankfully that wasn’t it. That was a relief.

Somehow I ended up lying down beside him.

The feeling was strange. Here I was, alone with Minjae on the same bed. We weren’t lying face-to-face, snuggled up sweetly… but the moment still made my heart flutter a little.

Even though this was no time for it, my heart was racing, completely missing the mood.

Haa… if we just hadn’t fought like this, we’d probably be making love by now. Not Minjae staring blankly at the ceiling… but looking into each other’s eyes, saying we love each other, spending a sweet night together.

I’m sorry, Minjae. I really don’t think I can stop. No matter how hard you push me away… I think I have to keep holding on to you. Even in this moment I’m already thinking that again. My heart never managed to reach you even once, but it still races without caring, just like always.

Wondering if maybe Minjae’s heart was racing the way mine was, I rested my hand on his chest. But his heartbeat was completely ordinary.

I didn’t feel particularly disappointed. Maybe I’d already expected that.

It had just been a pointless little hope.

But… was it really okay for me to be touching his body so casually like this? The thought hit me then.

I’d placed my hand on his chest without thinking, as if it were nothing… and only afterward did it start to feel conscious. Taking it away now would feel awkward… but I couldn’t just leave it there either.

R-right… if it’s now.

So I climbed on top of Minjae, lowered my head, and brought my lips to his.

At first I just pressed them there briefly and pulled away. It was my first time doing something like this… and I thought that was enough. But my body didn’t seem satisfied with only ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠that.

I lowered my head again and pressed my lips to his. It was electric… my heart felt ready to explode.

I could feel even the fine lines of his lips… I slowly tasted Minjae’s mouth like that. One hand kept brushing back the hair that kept falling forward as I kissed the unresponsive lips beneath me.

Somewhere in the middle I could tell he’d fallen asleep. That was probably why I was able to kiss him one more time.

A tingling sensation started between my legs. It was sharp enough that I unconsciously pressed my thighs together.

His lips only tasted of bitter alcohol, but I was satisfied. No—it was more than that. It was wonderful. I was the first one to take Minjae’s lips.

While I was selfishly enjoying that sweet time…

Minjae’s phone started ringing. It had slipped halfway out of his pants pocket and was about to fall onto the bed.

Nari unnie’s name lit up on the screen.

Perfect. I thought it was perfect. I’d already decided that Nari unnie was the obstacle between us now.

I’d already given Lee Sebin a piece of my mind, so she probably wouldn’t be able to treat Minjae the way she used to. Lately it wasn’t even Sebin who was the problem… it was Yu Nari. Nari unnie.

So I answered the call myself.

The call ended. She just decided to hang up on her own, even though I hadn’t finished answering. Did it put her in a bad mood or something?

Well… good. Without realizing it, a smile was spreading across my lips.

But that smile soon made me feel pathetic. I was the kind of miserable person who thought I’d scored a hit on Nari unnie with something that small.

“Nari… have to answer…”

Minjae, who’d been dead silent and drunk the whole time I was kissing him, mumbled those words in his sleep.

Nari unnie’s name came out of Minjae’s mouth. After spending all this time with me… after sticking by my side the entire day. And still, of all names, it was Nari unnie’s that came out. Even completely drunk and asleep… he still managed to spit out her name.

In that moment, every single thing I’d done earlier felt pathetic.

So I… climbed down from on top of him and lay back down beside him.

What hurt the most… was that even after being made to look this miserable, I still liked Minjae. That was what hurt.

Today I did everything I could. There probably… isn’t anything left for me to try. I pulled out every last resort I’d been saving, and even those didn’t work.

The only thing left to hope for… is that after today, his relationship with Nari unnie turns sour. If no one is left by Minjae’s side again… he’ll definitely come looking for me.

Yeah. From now on I’ll wait. I’ll wait for that moment. Wait for him to become the original Minjae again. The real Minjae never had anyone by his side except me. That’s who he really is.

And when that moment comes, I won’t kick him away again.

I’ll never do that. I promised myself I wouldn’t let go a second time. How could I possibly kick away the Minjae who finally came back to me? I’ll hold him. I’ll wrap him up and protect him. I can do that. Even though Minjae kicked me away so coldly… I can still do that for him.

So… even if my heart can’t reach him right now, I hope that someday it will.