Facing Each Other (10)
Out of a lingering worry, I dialed her first, only for Nari to immediately unload those words on me.
"Hello? Nari, is the work not going well?"
"What the hell… what kind of bastard are you?"
"Huh…? What's this all of a sudden…"
What was this…?
Never mind the rough word choice that was already on full display—her voice itself was far from ordinary. Thick with irritation. No, it was hard to call it mere irritation.
It was the kind of voice you might use when facing someone completely without manners.
Anyway… I had no idea why Nari was suddenly acting like that, so I couldn't help but be flustered.
If anything, I was the one feeling like I was facing the inconsiderate person right now.
Dragging this aching body… this exhausted body all the way home, and the moment I called out of pure concern… I get hit with that.
"Are you seriously acting like you don't know?"
"Yeah… honestly, I'm a bit flustered… did something happen?"
"Right. What about you? Nothing happened on your end?"
"……Me?"
For a while I could only sit there holding the phone. A chill had settled deep in my gut.
What about me? Nothing happened on my end?
That question felt off. It didn't sound like simple curiosity, and it certainly wasn't a casual check-in.
Something… like she already knew about what had happened earlier and was asking with that knowledge in mind. That cold, prickling feeling.
And if it was about earlier… then it was about Seoa. About that kind of thing with her.
"Yeah, you. You really don't know a single thing, do you?"
"Sorry… I just woke up from a nap. What happened while I was out?"
"Check your call history."
My call history…?
I pulled the phone away from my ear and started looking with my eyes. Just what was supposed to be on there?
When I woke up at Seoa's place earlier there had been no missed-call notifications, so I hadn't paid it much mind.
Had Nari actually called a ton while I was dead to the world? And for some reason the missed-call alerts just never showed up?
But when I checked the history… still no missed calls. Not a single red line announcing anything missed. A clean, ordinary log.
Instead, though, I found something that sent a chill down my spine. Reading carefully through that perfectly normal-looking history, I saw it.
We had spoken. According to my phone's call log, we had already had a conversation.
During the stretch when I was deeply asleep… the call had connected, and we had talked for a full minute.
What…? Had I answered in my sleep? Or had the call just connected while I was tossing and turning?
"We… had a call?"
"Yeah. We did. Though it wasn't with you."
"Th-then…"
No way… no way, right?
"What did you do at her place?"
"……"
"She answered your phone. Said you were sleeping right next to her. So I just said okay for now."
"I-I didn't do anything weird…"
"Whether you did something weird or not is none of my business. Are you seriously not going to get your head straight?"
Nari pressed on, hammering at me. I actually felt a little relieved. At least… it meant she was still willing to talk to me. Not just shutting me out completely.
"I told you I'd send the drawing and to pick up, right? And at that exact time you're sleeping like a baby at her place? Did you forget you said you were going to take this contest seriously? Or are you about to make the exact same mistake again?"
"I'm sorry… th-there was a bit of a story behind it."
But the intensity was a lot. What I'd thought was a relief now felt like a huge miscalculation. Nari was properly furious. This wasn't just pressing—it was closer to a one-sided beating. Formal speech had slipped out of me without thinking.
And under that aggressive tone, even though I clearly knew I was in the wrong, my instincts still threw up defenses.
I had to make excuses, saying there was a story.
"Who doesn't have a story? Right?"
"……Yes. I'm sorry."
"Forget it. You seem hopeless. Looking at how you still haven't gotten your head straight even after something like that… do I look like a nice person to you? This isn't some game we're playing…"
Haa… even I had to admit I seemed like a hopeless case.
Just like Nari said, I was already someone who had once ruined a contest over personal circumstances. And now that same person was again pushing a promise aside with personal circumstances as the excuse.
From Nari's perspective I must look like a complete lost cause of a bastard.
I had crawled and begged her to stay on the team, swearing that this contest at least I would do properly, that I would never make the same mistake again… and then I turn around and pull this. How insane must I look?
Of course, today's promise wasn't something that would immediately decide the contest results or deal a major blow… but the attitude was the problem. The attitude of repeating the exact same mistake.
Yeah, I knew. I knew I was wrong. I knew I was doing the same thing all over again. Honestly I should be grateful she hadn't immediately left the team and called the whole competition off—I should be bowing my head to the floor.
But… why did she sound so harsh today of all days?
I'm struggling too… why won't anyone take my side… why won't anyone listen to my story? Why does no one acknowledge my pain, the hard times I've been through?
That feeling churned especially hard today. Today of all days.
Was it because of the headache that still felt like it would split my skull? Because of the soles of my feet that kept throbbing with heat? Or because some part of me had hoped that if it was Nari, she might understand?
I'm tired… I'm really tired. Spending every day backed into a corner like this has become too much.
I'd just come through an emotionally draining stretch with Seoa… returned with an unstable mind and a body that had no intact parts left. And without even a moment to recover my mental or physical balance… I get scolded again and told I'm hopeless. Isn't that going too far no matter how you look at it?
Tears spilled out. While those thoughts filled my head and I kept spitting out nothing but apologies to Nari, hot tears finally ran from my eyes.
I couldn't get angry. What right did someone like me have to get angry? Even with this feeling inside me, I wasn't the kind of person who could shamelessly lash out.
So… all I could do was cry alone again, pathetic as ever.
"Are you… crying?"
"……"
"I'm asking. Are you crying?"
"I'm sorry… I know I messed up too… haa…"
I had been trying my hardest to swallow the tears so Nari wouldn't notice, but it wasn't as easy as I wanted. She caught on right away.
And once I was caught… I couldn't hold the crying back anymore. Swallowing sobs, forcing words out in a choked voice, I felt so ugly that I let out a long sigh. I was trying to give myself a little time to calm down.
"Ah, for real… this is driving me crazy. Why are you crying?"
"I don't want to either… haa… it just keeps ending up like this…"
"……Calm down. What happened? Tell me. I'll stop being mad, so quit crying and just talk."
Nari said that as if trying to soothe me.
Her voice no longer had the edge from before. She sounded completely at a loss, as if my sudden crying had truly thrown her.
But… even so, I couldn't explain everything to her. After sounding so desperate for someone to understand my pain, for someone to know my circumstances… the contradictory part of me that couldn't actually put those circumstances into words.
Of course I couldn't. What was there to brag about? In the end, just like Nari said, it was personal stuff that would look like nothing to anyone else. She might even think I was making a big deal out of something small because I was weak.
So I couldn't spill everything when she asked. More accurately, I just couldn't.
It wasn't that I was hiding it because it involved Seoa. Nari already knew what kind of history I had with her. There was no reason to hide that anymore.
The reason I still couldn't explain was that the things I had done at Seoa's place weren't something I could talk about with any pride, and confessing them would be the same as admitting I had caused trouble over the same issue again. The more I talked about what just happened with Seoa, the more I would only be digging up my own faults.
So I couldn't explain my circumstances to Nari.
"Fine… if you can't say it, whatever. I won't dig. Stop crying and go to sleep already. And don't even think about smoking because you're stressed. You'll really die by my hand if you do. Got it?"
"Yes… from tomorrow I'll really act properly."
"And go back to casual speech. I don't like the formal stuff."
"Yeah…"
And with that, the call with Nari ended.
Thankfully it seemed to wrap up okay. Somehow I had ended up crying… so Nari couldn't keep being angry and it just finished. I hadn't meant to use tears as a weapon, but that was how it turned out.
Honestly, it's not like I wanted to show anyone this sniveling mess of myself. Especially not a guy ugly-crying alone in front of a girl.
No matter how much of a loser personality I have, it's not something I chase after or want. I have no desire to look even more pathetic than I already do. It's not like I wanted to cry either.
Just… today of all days the tears came out at the worst time… and I showed that ugly side even to Nari. The only silver lining was that it was over the phone. At least I hadn't bawled right in front of her face.
I lay on the bed and stared quietly at the ceiling.
Even though I had already slept at Seoa's place, my body still seemed to need more—drowsiness poured over me again.
I closed my eyes… and simply felt the flow of time with my whole body.
My feet hurt so much. Even lying in bed, the pain seemed to keep tormenting my entire body. I could almost feel a hot heat radiating from the soles.
It'll be better once I sleep. It's not like I can do anything in this condition right now… and every clinic will be closed anyway. It's not bad enough for the ER either.
I really am something… where did that courage even come from, to do something so ridiculous? Thinking of walking while stepping on glass shards.
Still, if doing that let me reach some kind of ending, maybe it was for the best.
Yeah. There won't be any more hard things like this. As of today, it's over with Seoa. She said that unless I seek her out first, she'll just wait until I come looking again, so there's no reason we'll have to meet.
But… was Seoa's confession that she liked me sincere? It wasn't that I was shaken by it now or giving it some huge meaning, I was just curious. Whether those words had come from real feeling and not just a way to hold onto me.
If they really were sincere, then it's a shame, but we simply crossed paths at the wrong time. And having heard them, I can stay by her side even less.
Because I like someone else now. I can't keep getting tangled up with her under excuses like "we should talk properly" or whatever.
Keep waiting. Even if you wait forever, I won't go back. And while you wait, keep hurting. Just like I hurt while emptying you out of myself, you hurt while waiting for me. Like you said, that will be your punishment.
From now on, focus only on the contest. Starting tomorrow, become a completely new version of myself and pour everything into the contest.
Starting tomorrow…