Role Reversal (7)

Standing there in front of Minjae's place, I couldn't do a single thing.

I had come on pure impulse, but I couldn't just barge inside on pure impulse either.

I didn't know the password.

I had told him the password to my place back then… Minjae could have at least shared his with me.

I'd have to ask him when he got back today. Between the two of us, sharing house passwords should be fine, right? I had even been the one to tell him first.

With those thoughts running through my head, I leaned my back against the door and crouched down, waiting for time to pass.

When will he get here…

It was driving me insane, how much it bothered me. What was he doing with that woman right now?

What kind of favor could it possibly be that would make someone like Minjae go all the way to school for her?

A club? What the hell even was that club?

What were they talking about right this second?

I felt like I was going to lose my mind. By the time I came back to myself, I was chewing on my own fingernails.

Cute little beads of red blood had welled up at the tips of my fingers.

It didn't hurt. It didn't sting. I just thought that maybe by the time the bleeding stopped, Minjae would arrive.

That was the only thought in my head.

It was agony.

The Minjae who was spending time with someone who wasn't me felt so unbearably unfamiliar.

Whenever I called, he used to come running. Now he didn't. Now he was the one casting me aside. That hurt more than anything.

You said you liked me… You clearly said you liked me.

Is this how you're supposed to treat someone you like?

It's not.

Hurry up and come. Stop talking to that woman and come see me already.

I'm waiting right outside your door… so please, hurry up and come get me like this.

Before I knew it, quite a bit of time had passed and the world around me had gone dark. The red droplets that had beaded on my fingertips had long since dried, leaving only the stains behind.

I heard footsteps.

The unhurried, indifferent sound of someone climbing the stairs, step by step.

I had already turned my head a few times at sounds like that, only to find it wasn't Minjae. Just some other neighbor who lived on the same floor.

At first I had fidgeted a little out of embarrassment, but they only looked mildly surprised and didn't pay me any real attention. So I just kept sitting there, planted in place.

Maybe this time it really is Minjae's footsteps.

I held onto that hope, but I didn't want to be disappointed again, so I just kept staring at the floor.

Still, as the footsteps drew closer and closer, my head turned on its own.

It was Minjae.

This time it really was him.

"You're pretty late. I waited a long time."

I said it the moment I saw him.

My hips were numb and my back ached from sitting so long, but I acted the way I always did. Of course, saying I had waited a long time probably let a little of my irritation slip through.

Right after that I asked him for the password.

Just knowing the password would have felt like a huge win. Then I wouldn't have to wait outside like this next time.

But Minjae didn't give me a single thing I wanted.

I waited this long… You could at least listen to me a little.

I bit down on my lower lip, half sad, half annoyed.

Even so, I was fine. It was fine if he didn't tell me the password right this second. Because now I got to spend time with Minjae.

His time with that woman was over, and now it was entirely mine. When I thought of it that way, even this attitude of his was something I could accept.

"I'm hungry. Want to grab something to eat together?"

I pulled myself together and asked him again, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hoping desperately that he would treat me the way he always had.

I'm treating you like normal right now… so just fall into step with me and treat me like normal too.

But Minjae had no intention of doing anything of the sort.

All of a sudden his voice was thick with irritation. In that frightening tone he told me to stop it already.

I had been trying so hard not to hear the words I didn't want to hear, but this time they smashed straight through and rang clear in my ears.

Stop it already.

Then what am I supposed to do?

Just tell me. What am I supposed to do?

What do I have to do to go back to the way things were?

What do I have to do so you'll only look at me again?

My stomach started to churn. Maybe it was from sitting so long and then standing up too fast. My head was spinning and I felt sick.

Fine. I don't know what to do anymore either… so I just have to try something.

With that thought I grabbed Minjae's arm. Then I made him put it around my shoulders, and I slipped into the space that created and pressed myself against him.

I hadn't really noticed before… but his arms were broader and bigger than I expected. There was something unexpectedly masculine about it that might have made my heart skip a little.

"You… you said you liked me. Right? You said so yourself."

Please tell me that feeling hasn't changed.

Please don't come out with something like it was all a lie, not now.

I felt so stupid. Asking a question like that and then standing there trembling myself—I looked completely pathetic.

But the answer didn't come easily.

Whether he had noticed me shaking and was savoring the reaction, or something else entirely, Minjae just kept silent.

That long silence terrified me so much that I had no choice but to keep talking, rushing to fill it.

The more I tried to understand the silence, the more the anxiety and fear inside me swelled. So I kept stringing together words that might have been nothing but forced excuses.

"You said you liked me… so ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠we can just go back, can't we? You can forgive me for being like this and we can go back to how we were."

That's right, isn't it?

If you like me, then just accept me like this. Getting close again to someone you like isn't something you'd ever refuse.

Maybe if things go the way you wanted, we could even become a couple.

So accept me like this and go back to how we used to be, and maybe we really could end up together.

That would be good for both of us, wouldn't it?

I kept pushing him with those words, but Minjae only maintained his silence, as if the silence itself were his answer. He stayed quiet the whole time.

Only then did the thought I had never wanted to believe start to feel like reality.

"Don't tell me… even when I hold you like this, you don't feel anything anymore…?"

The thought I had worked so hard to ignore.

That he had liked me once, but that was only in the past, and he didn't like me anymore.

I had always run from hearing the answer because I was scared of it, but now that I was cornered I suddenly needed to know. No—I needed him to confirm it for me.

I wanted to hear it clearly from Minjae's own mouth that it wasn't true. If I could just get that one answer, I thought I might be able to hold on a little longer. I thought I wouldn't fall apart.

But once again Minjae didn't answer my question.

Instead he started getting angry.

He told me not to play with his feelings.

I never meant it that way at all… Why is it turning out like this?

When did I ever play with your feelings?

I'm being completely sincere right now.

I'm going crazy because you've changed. I want to make you mine right this second.

I'm treating you more sincerely than anyone… and you're telling me not to play with people's hearts?

If things kept going this way, it felt like everything would spiral completely out of control. So I decided this was the moment to confess how I felt. I wanted to make it crystal clear to Minjae that I wasn't trying to toy with his heart.

But I never got the chance.

I wasn't even given the smallest opening to confess.

"Just stop already!! Leave me alone. I'll be the one asking—please stop playing with me."

Minjae suddenly raised his voice and shouted. I couldn't keep talking. I was too startled. All I could do was stand there and listen to the words he was spitting out, overwhelmed by emotion.

And then, right after that, Minjae started to cry.

It was the first time I had ever seen him cry in front of me.

So this was what Minjae's tears looked like. Huge, forceful tears that seemed to force their way out through a narrow crack, streaming down his face.

Watching ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠him cry made my chest ache. It felt like I had made him cry with my own hands… and it was so pitiful I couldn't stand it.

So I reached out to wipe his tears away.

But as if my feelings meant nothing, Minjae coldly knocked my hand aside.

Why… I made you cry, so why won't you even let me take responsibility?

I want to hold you. I want to take every one of those tears and be the one who catches them.

Why are you pushing me away?

If you would just forgive me once, you wouldn't have to hurt like this.

In the end all I could do was stand there blankly in front of the crying Minjae and say I was sorry, that it was my fault, over and over.

And Minjae nodded.

For the first time it felt like we had actually managed to talk to each other. Until now it had felt like I was just talking to a wall by myself, but this time it felt like we had exchanged something real, and that made me feel good.

Looking at him like that, I even started to think that if I kept cornering him this way, he would eventually accept me.

But for now I stepped aside, just like he asked. That was that, and it seemed better to leave him alone for today. Today this much was enough.

If I pushed him any further, I was afraid he would hurt too much. He was already crying with such a sad face.

Minjae's back, looking like it was carrying every sorrow in the world, was so pitiful I wanted to wrap my arms around him right then and there.

But there was just one thing… one answer I still needed to hear.

I thought that was the only way I would be able to hold on.

"J-just tell me one thing. You don't like that woman, right…?"

I carefully forced the words out.

I knew it was the last thing I should be asking in this situation… but I needed that answer so I could keep going. If it wasn't that, I didn't think I could stand it.

"Stay out of it."

I had finally worked up the courage to ask, and in the end I still didn't get the answer I wanted.

What does that even mean?

At the very least, "stay out of it" isn't the same as saying he likes her, right?

If he liked her, he would have just said he liked her.

S-so… is ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠it okay to think he still likes me?

I decided that on my own. I had to think that way if I wanted any peace. It was the only way I could soothe this heart that kept aching without warning.

Clinging to that tiny scrap of hope, I went home.

But the moment I actually got back, the mental strain hit me hard. I had thought I was returning with hope, but as soon as I stepped inside I realized that hope was nothing but a fantasy I had forced myself to create.

Stay out of it? You're telling me to stay out of it right now?

I had no choice left but to accept that those words were never going to be anything good for me.

And now the anger started turning toward that woman.

That fox-faced bitch. Trying to slip into that tiny opening and steal Minjae away?

She knows how naive he is, how he'll fall for anyone who treats him even a little nicely, doesn't she?

My hands trembling, I grabbed a stuffed animal from my room and slammed it onto the floor.

Fine. I'll just get rid of her.

If I drive that woman away from Minjae's side, he'll eventually come back to me, right? If I show him that the last person left standing next to him is me, then he'll have no choice but to stay by my side.

That's how I'll make up for what I did. When Minjae is left alone and struggling, I'll be the one who stays with him. That's how I'll make it right.

Then… our relationship will go back to the way it used to be.

Alone and seething, I made that decision. No matter how I looked at it, this seemed like the right answer.

If Minjae wouldn't choose me, then I just wouldn't leave him any other options.

After that I didn't go to his place again. Of course I thought about going every single day. Even so, I had to hold back. There was something I needed to do first.

I was preparing, by any means necessary, to pull that woman away from Minjae's side.

Going to him clumsily and clinging to him before that would only make our relationship worse. I decided I would separate her first, and then, when Minjae was lost and wandering, I would go back and take that place for myself.

No—I needed to say it properly.

Take that place for myself… that's not it. I'm just going back to the place that was originally mine.

That woman is the one interfering between us.

She's the bad one, not me.

Yeah… I'm not doing anything wrong right now. I'm absolutely not the bad person here.

Just wait a little longer.

I won't ask anything more of you, Minjae. Just don't drift any farther away from me than you already have. Stay right where you are and wait for me.

I promise I'll put our relationship back the way it was.