Role Reversal (6)
I went to Minjae's place intending to confess my feelings, but in the end I never managed to say the words.
The atmosphere hadn't been right for it anyway.
Minjae looked terrible—his face was a wreck—and he was furious. Looking at him like that, I knew those words simply couldn't come out of my mouth.
I couldn't tell him I liked him. Not now.
First, I thought, we had to fix what was broken between us.
So I steeled myself to take whatever he threw at me—even if he hit me. I was already prepared for that much. If it meant things could go back to the way they used to be with Minjae… I would have done anything.
But Minjae didn't hold a single expectation of me.
If only that had been the worst of it…
Right in the middle of our conversation, his phone rang.
I didn't even need to look to know who it was.
It had to be her. Who else would be calling Minjae's phone instead of mine?
I desperately wanted to stop him. I couldn't stand watching him talk to her. For some reason she got under my skin so badly—probably because I liked him. I hated the way she kept circling around him, always flirting.
Minjae had no idea how I felt. He took the call right in front of me.
In that tiny room where even our breathing had been loud, every word of their conversation came through the phone with brutal clarity. Cruelly, I had to listen to all of it.
Still holding onto him, I felt a defeat I couldn't name. Yet I never thought of myself as pathetic. It was my fault. I had been too late.
With no one to blame, I just clung to Minjae and cried.
Should I confess right now? Would that make him hang up on her? Would he finally look at me instead of her?
I wrestled with those thoughts, but once again I couldn't bring myself to say it.
I was terrified.
Judging by the mood, Minjae wasn't going to choose me the way I hoped. He might even kick me away without a second thought. I didn't want to face that cruel reality with my own eyes and ears.
So I stayed silent. If I spoke and he rejected me, it would feel like the end of everything.
After he hung up, Minjae pulled me off him. Maybe he'd seen through my pathetic attempt to stay attached. He peeled me away without a shred of hesitation, then said in that blunt voice of his that he was going out to meet her.
Why…?
I'm reaching out to you again—how can you do this?
Am I not your first priority anymore?
You said you liked me. So… shouldn't this be the chance for us to get close again?
But why are you choosing her instead of me?
I understood, in my head, that I'd done something terrible. But watching things unfold like this, I couldn't help thinking Minjae was being too harsh. Yes, I'd made a huge mistake—but how could someone's heart change this completely? Was what I did really bad enough to shove me away in a single moment?
My legs gave out. I sank to the floor. Ugly tears kept spilling over. I covered my face with both hands so he wouldn't see me like this, and I cried.
Even that turned out to be unnecessary worry.
Minjae didn't care. Whether I was crumpled on the floor looking hideous or not, he didn't spare me a glance. He just walked the path he'd chosen.
The room he left behind was cold. Only the thick stench of cigarettes lingered around me; nothing offered any comfort.
Had I done something so unforgivable that I didn't even deserve comfort?
"Why do I have to be the one clinging to you now… Since when could you just leave me like this…"
I muttered the complaint to myself. Words that no longer meant anything and would never reach him.
What gouged deepest into me was this: even while I was apologizing, Minjae's sad expression never changed—until he spoke to her on the phone. Then it did. As if he'd been saved. As if she'd given him comfort. That peaceful look settled over his face.
Why her and not me? Why can't I be the one who does that for you? I'm right here offering to take that role. Why won't you even give me the chance?
And when you walk away like that… who is supposed to comfort me?
I forced myself up and looked around. The place was a disaster—I couldn't even tell how badly he'd trashed it. Empty bottles rolling everywhere. Cigarette ash smeared across the floor. It looked like something out of a movie, grotesque.
One by one, I started cleaning. Even if this was the only way, I had to make a place for myself here. Hoping Minjae would notice even this small effort, I quietly put the room back together.
If I couldn't reach him right away… then I would try to get closer like this, little by little.
The next day I went looking for him again.
It was all I could do. If I didn't go to him first, Minjae would never come looking for me.
I made it to his door, then stood there for a long time, hesitating. I no longer knew how to act around him, so I couldn't bring myself to press the doorbell. I was scared he'd look down at me with that cold face again. Seeing that expression would hurt so much I'd want to scream and cling to him on the spot.
To hide those feelings, I chose to lie to myself.
Minjae still likes me… and I've come to the house of the boy who likes me.
He must be nervous too, right? The person he likes just showed up at his door. Maybe he hasn't slept properly since yesterday because his heart keeps racing.
Idiot.
Hurry up and confess to me. It would bruise my pride if I had to say it first.
Confess, and I'll accept you like I've been waiting for it. Because I like you too, Minjae.
With that thought, I pressed the doorbell.
When he saw me standing there unannounced, Minjae looked at me as if he were glad. Then he seemed so flustered he immediately hid himself away.
Cute.
What are you going to do if I just swallow you whole, diving under the blankets like that?
His room was a mess again. Without a word of complaint I started cleaning. Looking at me like this, his love for me would only grow, right? He'd think I looked so pretty doing this, right?
I must have said something while I worked… I don't really remember. The only thing I remember clearly is that Minjae stayed silent the whole time.
Then suddenly he looked like he was about to speak.
No.
Without thinking I covered his mouth with my hand. I didn't know why—I just knew I couldn't let myself hear whatever he was going to say.
After that, cold reality seemed to snap me awake, and I fled in a hurry.
Just moments earlier it had felt like we were spending an ordinary, friendly day the way we used to. Then the atmosphere shifted all at once. So I ran.
At school nothing stuck in my head. All I could think about was finishing classes and going straight to Minjae's place. I sat there blankly until, before I knew it, every class was over.
Did he smoke again today? I wish he'd quit. I'll go clean up after him again. Maybe I should ask if we can have dinner together.
I must have looked almost cheerful as I left school.
And then a strange sight unfolded right in front of me.
Wait… isn't that Minjae?
The boy I thought I'd never see at school again was standing there. At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. But no—it was him.
I rushed over and grabbed his hand, full of relief. Had he finally noticed my efforts? Did he want to be with me again too? My heart fluttered with hope.
But when Minjae turned to look at me, his face was still ice-cold.
I froze. I was so flustered I didn't know what to say. I still wasn't prepared for how to handle him when he looked at me like that…
That was the moment.
Someone melted the face that had seemed like it would never thaw—instantly.
From the opposite direction she called his name and walked toward us, as if they'd been close for ages. Exactly the way I used to be with him.
I thought I was going to lose my mind. Panic made me tug Minjae a little closer.
I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose him.
"Thanks for coming to school when I asked."
She tossed the words out suddenly—like she wanted me to hear them. Like she was bragging that Minjae had shown up because of her request.
I already knew. She didn't have to say it like that.
Was she trying to pick a fight with me?
Hearing it and still being unable to say a single word made me so angry. It was humiliating.
That role used to be mine. Minjae used to be mine.
No—I couldn't just stand here. She was the one who started it.
"Minjae, I'll be waiting at your place."
I threw the words at his back as he walked away with her.
She hasn't been to his place yet, right? I never told her where he lived last time. But I can go there like it's nothing. I've already been a few times.
Maybe it was a childish little jab, but I said it anyway. Besides, I'd already planned to go to his place today. It wasn't a lie.
I need to get there fast and clean his room for him again.
I turned around calmly and walked away. Leaving the school grounds, I headed for Minjae's apartment as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
And so, with miserable steps, I made my way to Minjae's empty home.