Role Reversal (3)

Looking at the meticulously cleaned room, I felt a strange awkwardness settle over me.

Had my room ever looked like this? A sense of alienation crept in at the thought.

And this was clearly Seoa's doing. Nothing else could explain a change this drastic.

I thought it was fine, but I never felt grateful. I hadn't asked for this. She'd just gone and done it on her own.

I dropped heavily onto the edge of the bed.

The silence was the same as always, yet somehow it didn't feel quite so lonely now.

In a room that had been scrubbed clean with such care, I once again scattered cigarette ash like falling snow. Maybe it had become a habit by now.

At first… I couldn't deny there had been a part of me that smoked out of a desperate need to express how thoroughly I'd fallen apart. But the cigarettes I lit now no longer came from anything so childish. From the moment I'd first leaned on them, I'd already sunk in deep.

Even now, scene after scene kept rising unbidden in my mind, and it tormented me. So many different moments. The smoke rolling in warm, then the heavy plumes carrying my scattered thoughts up into the air. That was how I shook off the anxiety clawing at me.

When I was outside, I was fine. When I was with someone, I was fine. But left alone like this, the unease would rush back in almost immediately. Maybe that was why, whenever I was by myself, my hand reached for a cigarette out of sheer habit.

Another day seemed to have turned over.

But now I had to start paying attention to those turning days. I couldn't just sit still and watch time slip past. I had a goal again. I had decided to get back on my feet.

Still, the reason I opened my eyes today had nothing to do with my own will. It was the doorbell — the one that had been hammering at me for a while now — that finally dragged me up.

I'd been hearing that doorbell a lot lately. A sound I'd barely heard a handful of times before, now ringing with increasing frequency.

Half-asleep, I walked over and opened the front door.

"Ah… hey."

Seoa. She'd come looking for me again.

In a daze, I let her inside. The moment the door opened, she offered a brief greeting and pushed her small frame through the gap, stepping right in. The whole sequence flowed so naturally that I found myself turning aside without thinking, making room for her to enter.

"Did you just wake up?"

She came into the room, swept a glance around, and said it casually. There was none of yesterday's sorrow in her voice.

I didn't answer. I left her to it and simply lay back down on the bed.

Why did she come looking for me again? I was sure we'd finished every conversation we needed to have yesterday…

Lying there with that thought, I gently closed my eyes. The gesture carried its own meaning: I'm going back to sleep, so talk to yourself and leave whenever you want.

Was it because it still wasn't ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠time to get up? Or was it because, after meeting Noona, I'd truly set my mind on something new? Looking at Seoa didn't stir anything in me. No anger. No urge to turn away. None of it. Maybe I was just too exhausted to keep acting that way. I didn't know. Maybe I simply didn't want to stress over that whole mess again, and this was the result.

"You smoked again."

Saying that, Seoa began ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠cleaning my room by herself. Even with my eyes closed, the constant sense of her presence made me crack my lids open to check.

She was wiping cigarette ash from the floor with wet tissues, dumping the ashtray into the trash — tidying the entire room on her own.

"This reminds me of the old days, doesn't it? When things were hard at our house… you'd come over and clean for us."

Seoa, who had been quietly working, suddenly said that out of nowhere.

The old days. What she was talking about was almost certainly the period right after her father had passed away.

"I was really grateful back then. My mom still talks about how thankful she is to you."

I gave her nothing in return, but Seoa pressed on undeterred, talking to herself.

"I'm just doing this because I want to repay you somehow… so you don't have to think too much of it."

"…… What exactly are you trying to say?"

After listening for a long while, I finally managed a response. What was she getting at? What was the point of dredging up the past all of a sudden?

Apparently deciding the cleaning was more or less done, Seoa went to wash her hands in the bathroom, then came back out. She walked over with deliberate steps and sat herself down on the edge of my bed.

I couldn't help but be startled. She'd planted herself right on the edge of the bed I was lying on. The sudden closeness threw me off balance.

She didn't look my way. She just stared at some point on the ceiling, swinging her dangling legs back and forth in a lazy cross.

"Minjae… what did you talk about with that woman yesterday?"

"I don't know."

"Come on… just tell me. We're not the kind of people who hide things from each other."

"……."

Something was off. I'd been feeling it for a while now. Seoa was acting as if nothing at all had ever happened between us. It felt like we were having a conversation from before the fight — from a time when none of it had gone wrong. That made it hard to know how to answer. All I could do was turn the same question over in my head: What is this behavior supposed to mean?

"I cut off contact with Woo-bin oppa, you know?"

"……."

"I did good, right?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

She didn't answer. She just kept swinging her legs. Then she launched into the next thing she wanted to say.

"The earrings… thank you."

The earrings. So she'd finally found them. Just as I'd hoped — discovered right around the time they were about to fade from my memory. I couldn't even recall what I'd been feeling when I left them there. I only remembered that it had happened.

"Isn't there something you want, Minjae?"

"Seoa."

Reluctantly, I pushed myself up from where I'd been lying. I couldn't keep listening to this. I sat up so I could tell her to stop and go home.

Sensing the shift, Seoa stopped swinging her legs.

"Just go ho—"

I barely got the words out. Before I could finish, Seoa whipped around to face me and thrust out her arm, clamping a hand over my mouth.

"Don't… don't say it."

The suddenness of it left my eyes ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠wide. I could only stare. Had she known what I was about to say? She'd stopped the words from leaving my mouth with something close to desperation.

"Leave me a place. Just a little one. Please."

With that, she dropped her hand. Then she stood from the edge of the bed and walked straight to the front door.

"Th-then… I'll come again tomorrow. See you tomorrow."

The front door shut with an indifferent, heavy slam.

I just sat there staring blankly at the edge of the bed where she'd been. I was stunned. What had just happened?

What did Seoa even want from me?

It no longer felt like she'd come to apologize. She'd shown up as if nothing were wrong, said only what she wanted to say, and left. What was this? Her behavior was so strange it almost made me wonder if I'd dreamed the whole thing.

Maybe that was why I hadn't gotten angry the way I had yesterday — why there hadn't even been room for an argument. All I could do was sit there, bewildered, and watch it unfold.

A message from Noona. Seeing it, I realized tomorrow was Monday.

School…

I'd resolved to get back on my feet, but I still didn't have the courage to go. Showing up now wouldn't mean much for attendance anyway, and other students' eyes still frightened me. The rumors had probably died down by now, but I was still afraid. Separate from the rumors, I dreaded the whispers that might start simply because I'd reappeared out of nowhere.

And… the inevitable prospect of running into Seoa at school was another thing I didn't want to deal with.

Hearing that, I thought — even if I didn't go to class, I should at least go to the club.

Right. If I'd decided to change, I had to start changing something. I couldn't keep going on like this forever.

I made the decision, hard as it was.

And then Monday arrived.

I dragged my heavy feet toward campus. I hadn't actually been away from school for that long, but already the walk felt like something I hadn't done in ages.

As I neared the main gate, students who'd finished class were streaming past me in the opposite direction. Watching them, I found I couldn't quite make myself take the next step. Getting this far had been fine… but what came after was the problem.

To reach the club room, I had no choice but to cut through the engineering building. The moment that thought settled in, my feet grew heavier still.

Should I just tell her I can't make it after all?

With that impulse, I picked up my phone — and right then, a call came through.

"Ah…"

Maybe it was because of my track record — saying I'd come and then never showing. Noona seemed to be calling just to make sure.

Feeling a little ashamed, I asked her for help. Of course, I didn't explain the situation honestly.

I wanted to overcome these feet that refused to move — this weak version of myself — even if it meant doing it this way. Some people might call it cowardly… but this was me doing my best, in my own way. Just not running away was already something to be proud of, wasn't it?

That was what she said. We wouldn't be walking the whole way together, but her words still gave me courage. At last, the two legs that had felt rooted to the ground began to move.

I passed through the main gate. The engineering building came into view.

And then someone grabbed my hand — eagerly, as if glad to see me.

What…?

At first I thought it was Noona. I figured she'd gotten here ahead of me, waited, and hidden herself to surprise me. But it wasn't.

"Minjae? Are you… coming back to school?"

The one who'd seized my hand was Seoa.

She looked at me like she'd run into someone she never expected to see. Well — the person who'd stopped coming to school because of her had suddenly shown his face. Of course it would seem strange.

And the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠truth was, I'd expected this. Somehow I'd known. I'd thought I would run into Seoa the moment I passed through here. Maybe that was exactly why I hadn't been able to leave the main gate so easily.

With my hand still caught in hers, I stammered for a moment.

And in that same instant, from the opposite direction, someone else was calling for me. Another person, far off, shouting my name.

"Minjae—!"

I might have been watching the exact combination I'd most wanted to avoid come together right before my eyes.