A Timid Rebellion
If things kept going like this, my life was going to fall apart.
I was fully aware that the state of me was already at rock bottom.
Clinging to Seoa, unable to focus on a single thing in my own life. How ridiculous was that?
And it wasn't as if anyone even noticed. The only one sinking into the mire was me.
I had to make some kind of effort — even a small one — to peel that version of myself away, bit by bit.
Right. I couldn't keep hanging my entire existence on Seoa forever.
Until now, I hadn't felt much urgency. But after watching her lately… I couldn't just sit still and keep hurting.
Seoa already liked someone else. From that moment on, I was supposed to give up — at least a little. That was probably what finally pushed me to decide I needed to change.
There was no way left for me to intervene. If I wanted any peace, I had to change this version of myself.
Of course, I couldn't transform overnight. Naturally, I still liked Seoa far too much. Every little thing she did pulled at my attention; I fretted over all of it.
Even now, I kept checking her social media, over and over.
So… I figured I would try to grow numb to it, one careful step at a time.
Thinking about it clearly, I had never actually tried that before — the idea of liking Seoa a little less.
But didn't it sound strange just saying it out loud?
The feeling of liking someone comes from honest instinct. It isn't an emotion you can just control at will.
And I was going to like her less? That was never going to be easy.
Even so, I had to. If I wanted to feel okay, I had to deceive my own feelings.
I had to look away. I had to let something else occupy my mind.
I was tired of hurting like this. Did anyone think I enjoyed it? I would admit I was gloomy by nature, but even I didn't have a twisted streak that thrived on this kind of pain.
Well — if you wanted to call it rebellion, it was a kind of rebellion. She had cast me aside and turned her eyes toward another guy, so this was my own way of voicing my dissatisfaction with her.
I was attempting a timid little rebellion of my own.
A timid rebellion aimed at the girl who had abandoned her precious childhood friend.
And in the end… all of it still came down to hoping she would look my way, even a little.
What a hopeless idiot I was.
"I'd like to… join the club."
"Huh? Really?"
The place I found was a club.
I had wanted nothing to do with extracurriculars — only the bare minimum of required activities, graduating this university with as little effort as possible.
Because of that, I had never once been interested in clubs. And yet today, I had sought one out myself.
Game Development Club.
A transparent name with every scrap of information packed into it, not a single flourish. A very engineering-school kind of club name.
My major was Computer Engineering. And among everything in that field, game development was what interested me most. I was already developing indie games on my own, after all.
Honestly… under normal circumstances, I would have gone to a better university — one with a department built around game development.
But Seoa had barely managed to get into this school, so I followed her here.
That was how serious I had been. Maybe I hadn't been that ambitious about the other program to begin with — I had already carved out something of a place for myself as a developer. Still, the feeling itself had been pure: I simply wanted to go to school with Seoa.
"Yes… I don't know how good I'll be, but I'm only a first-year, so…"
"That's fine! None of us are anything special either. We're all just people who started from a hobby and ended up here."
Maybe it was just the nature of development spaces, but they were always short on people.
Which was why they seemed ready to take anyone who applied, for any reason at all.
I could feel it in the way she welcomed even someone like me with such an open, easy smile.
I kept the fact that I already had development experience to myself. I didn't particularly want to brag about it upfront — and besides, wasn't it cooler if people happened to discover later that I was actually good?
Like something out of an anime: it turns out he was an incredible talent all along. That kind of reveal felt right.
"I'll submit the application form for you later, so come on inside for now!"
"Okay…"
She ushered me in in a hurry.
For a Game Development Club, the setup was decently put together.
There was a Mac PC for iOS builds, and four desktop machines ready for Windows development as well.
Still… I doubted many people here were actually programming.
And more importantly — why was there no one else around?
"Ah! There used to be five of us including me, but everyone's busy with other things right now…"
"Ah… I see."
Sensing something uneasy in my aimless gaze, she rushed to explain.
Of course. How many people had actually joined this place to develop games in earnest?
Most of them had probably signed up thinking it might be fun, then taken one look at the workload and fled with their tongues hanging out.
The remaining four were probably just sticking around to be near one of the few female students in this engineering college.
Obvious. Completely obvious.
But could a club even survive with only five members? The question crossed my mind, but it existed right now, so I decided to let it go.
If it collapsed later, I could just go somewhere else.
"Is there… a game you're developing right now, by any chance?"
"We don't have a group project at the moment… but we're going to start one soon. Probably. Haha…"
She was fidgeting beside me, and it made me a little uneasy, so I sat down in an empty seat — partly just to put her at ease.
She followed and sat down next to me.
"Y-you're going to join, right?"
"Yes… I was planning to join anyway."
"That's a relief…. Then, what's your name?"
"Minjae. Kwon Minjae."
"Ah! Minjae. I'm Lee Sebin."
Once the introductions were over, the atmosphere turned awkward.
I felt like I ought to say something…
"If you don't mind me asking… how old are you?"
I asked first. Even in a situation like this, I wasn't the type to just sit there like an idiot with my mouth shut.
"I'm twenty-two… and you, Minjae?"
"I'm… twenty."
Ah, no! If it goes like this, the conversation dies again!
More than that — this person was two years older than me. A nuna. She hadn't looked it at all. Women really were hard to age by appearance alone. I had assumed we were the same age.
"Ah… w-well, I've been developing something on my own, actually. Would you like to take a look at that, at least?"
"Yes. I'd like that."
This time, Sebin was the one who fanned the dying embers back to life.
I was relieved. This topic felt like something we could actually talk about at length — not another dead-end subject like before.
She was going to show me a game she was developing herself. I felt a little excited. What kind of game would it be?
Not excitement about her… just the simple anticipation, as a developer, of what kind of creation was about to appear in front of me.
"What do you think?"
"Hmm… you said you're twenty-two, right?"
"Yes…"
"Shouldn't you be working a little harder?"
"Pardon?"
"If you grouped these parts together and coded them all at once, it would come out much cleaner… but right now it's a mess. If someone else picks this up, the readability tanks. And this random number function — have you actually run it multiple times? If you leave it like this, you just keep getting the same numbers. And this loop here — you can see it's not even applying, right? I honestly can't tell how this program is supposed to run. Even a high schooler wouldn't make these mistakes…"
Oh no.
My occupational disease had flared up without thinking, and I had spat out every single irritating thing my eyes landed on, no filter. I shouldn't have done that… I knew I shouldn't have, and I had already said all of it.
This wasn't her job — she was just doing it as a hobby! There was no need to hold her to such a strict standard…
"What else! What else is wrong? This is so fascinating. I've been frustrated with it too, you know."
Huh… her reaction was nothing like what I had expected.
After listening to my long, long critique, her eyes actually lit up with energy.
That look couldn't have been an act. She was genuine. She was truly, sincerely taking in my feedback.
"Ah… still, for something you did entirely on your own, I think it's impressive."
"Minjae, are you actually someone incredible? You're only a first-year…"
"N-no. I just happen to have been interested in this for a while."
I talked with Sebin for a good while after that.
It felt like the first time in a long time I had chattered away happily. For a little while, I could throw myself into the present moment without a single thought weighing me down.
The heat of our conversation warmed the quiet club room.
And somewhere along the way… text messages had piled up on my phone.
Messages from Seoa.
I must have gotten pretty carried away.
Talking with someone whose interests actually overlapped with mine for the first time in ages, I hadn't even registered the repeated vibrations in my pocket.
I knew full well that the only person who ever made my phone ring was Seoa — and still, I had been that absorbed in talking with Sebin.
Maybe, just as I had hoped, my mind really had been occupied by something else. If that was the case, it was a success.
More than ten minutes had already passed since the last message. Even if I suggested going home together now, it would be a stretch. Still, I had wanted to walk home with Seoa… but maybe today it just couldn't be helped.
I sent those words with difficulty. I had never imagined I would be able to say something like that to her — and somehow, a day like this had arrived.
To a message I had sent more than ten minutes late, she replied instantly — as if she had been waiting for it. An astonishing reaction speed. Like someone who had been staring at her phone the entire time.
I had already typed "Yeah" on the screen, but I couldn't bring myself to send it easily.
It felt like I was shaking off Seoa's hand when she was holding on like this.
Maybe, for me, this counted as a pretty bold move.
Being the one to push Seoa's hand away first felt strange. And for some reason, she seemed especially hurt by me, of all people.
Honestly, it felt good. It felt like she was paying attention to me. I wanted to go back to her right that second.
But… you were the one who looked at another guy first. I had been hurt this whole time too.
With that feeling in my chest, in the end…
I sent a reply that might have felt cold to Seoa.
After that, Seoa didn't reply.
Honestly, I was scared. I thought I might regret it later. But this was a new challenge for me, too.
I couldn't keep making weak little noises anymore. That would only hurt me more.
If I wanted to change, this was a process I had to endure to some degree.
Seoa was the one who had made things this way. I wasn't the bad one.
And so, today, I showed my timid rebellion.
I had no idea what kind of ripple effects it would cause later — but for me, right now, it was a bold first step.
I took a careful first step away from her.