A Hellish Weekend
"Woo-bin oppa asked you to hang out this weekend?"
"Ah… that's great."
As if it was great.
I had to spit out words I didn't mean in the slightest, completely flat and dry.
In the end, it seemed things between the two of them were progressing steadily. Well — when a girl this pretty threw herself at someone, of course the relationship would move at breakneck speed.
And there was something else that bothered me.
Just a few days ago she'd still been calling him "Senior Woo-bin," but now, even in front of me, she'd naturally switched over to "Woo-bin oppa."
Even that was something I had to notice, something that made my heart ache.
"What do guys usually like to do on dates? Movies? Nice cafés? Shopping?"
Asking me that wasn't going to get her the answer she wanted. I'd have to have been on a date in the first place. And even if I had — even if I knew what worked — I wouldn't have told her. Why the hell would I say something like that for someone else's benefit?
Just thinking about it seemed to make Seoa's face light up; her expression was full of smiles as she asked the question. I had no idea who that bastard was, but I was so fucking jealous. It was an expression even I, who'd always been right beside her, had never once seen — and just thinking of that guy was enough to put it on her face.
Stolen by some complete stranger.
"I don't know. Why are you even asking me that in the first place? Your love life is your own business."
I snapped it out in a somewhat heated voice, irritation thick in every word. At my reaction, Seoa stopped walking and stood still.
"…… Why are you suddenly being so snappy?"
Whether it was because of the thoughts that had been fouling up my head all this time, I'd snapped at her without meaning to. It was probably the first time I'd ever gotten irritated with Seoa like that, and she couldn't hide how startled she was. She just stood there looking at me with a surprised expression.
"What's wrong? Did something happen to put you in a bad mood?"
"No… sorry for snapping all of a sudden."
"Something's going on, right? Tell me. Don't go keeping secrets from me too! That would make me sad, you know?"
Ha…
Just like she said, I wanted to spill everything right then — where the anger was coming from, what was putting me in a bad mood, how much my heart was hurting. But I couldn't. Of course I couldn't. If I said something like that, this relationship — clinging on as it was — would probably be over for good.
It was pathetic, but I wanted to protect even this much time I could still spend with Seoa. So this relationship right now felt like something that would snap the moment I let go.
"It's fine. The project I was working on earlier kept throwing errors. I think that just made me a little on edge."
"Really? Is that really why?"
I tossed the words out and started walking first. Even if it was a relationship that would break the moment I let go, I still had to hold on — which also meant that as long as I didn't let go, it would keep going. On the condition that she didn't cut it off first.
Seoa had been standing still in that same spot ever since I'd gotten irritated. Then, when I started walking, she hurried after me and grabbed my hand.
The hand-holding wasn't any kind of skinship. It was just a necessary action to stop me from walking ahead.
"I'm asking if you really got mad because of that."
"I said yes, didn't I? I told you that's what it was. Why are you doubting me?"
"…… Because you've never gotten angry like that before."
I could feel a slight tremor in Seoa's hand holding mine. But this wasn't a tremor born from excitement.
Right — she could hold my hand like this without a second thought. My heart was pounding like it might burst from holding this hand, and she could just take it so casually. Not holding the hand of someone she was attracted to — just grabbing a body part belonging to another human being, same as herself.
How could two people be this different?
I liked Seoa, and Seoa liked someone else. We'd spent years together… how could those feelings not point toward each other? Why was I the only one who liked her like this?
She could grab my hand so casually like this, but with Senior Woo-bin she'd be careful, wouldn't she? The trembling and the thrill I'd felt holding Seoa's hand — she'd feel that exact same thing when she held Senior Woo-bin's.
Once I became aware of that, even holding her hand felt uncomfortable, so I quietly pulled mine away. Then, to lighten an atmosphere that had grown a little too heavy against my intentions, I shifted the topic.
"Probably… just being with you would be nice. No matter what you do."
"What's that all of a sudden?"
"You asked, didn't you? What would be good to do when you meet. That's my answer."
"Yeah… I see."
Maybe I was projecting my own feelings when I said that. Because that's how it was for me. Just being with Seoa was enough. I figured that guy would feel the same way, on my own assumption.
Seoa still seemed a little unsettled — my earlier outburst must have still been a shock. Even looking at her like that scared me. What if what just happened had made her disappointed in me? What if I'd contributed to her deciding to cut this relationship off?
That kind of anxiety washed over me.
I get irritated on my own, then instantly get scared on my own. Even I could see how pathetic I looked. Petty, cowardly, and ultimately miserable. Even if I were a girl, it would probably be hard to fall for someone like me. That's how fragile my mental state had become. My self-esteem felt like it had hit rock bottom.
"Minjae. Is it… because of Woo-bin oppa?"
If I said yes, what kind of reaction would she show? What was she planning to do, asking me something like that? I was curious what mindset she'd been in when she asked that question — as if she knew what answer I'd give.
I didn't even understand why she was asking me this in the first place. I'd just gotten irritated — why would she ask something like that? Why did she just assume I'd gotten mad because of Woo-bin oppa? And if so, what was the reason? Why did she think Woo-bin oppa's name would make me angry? Was she a little aware of it herself?
Seoa's question left me with more than one or two things I was curious about.
"No. Why would something like that put me in a bad mood?"
"R-right? If not, then never mind."
But once again, I couldn't be honest. I had to be that way. I had to act strong. If I honestly said I'd gotten mad because of Woo-bin oppa — then what after that? I was suddenly terrified of whatever situation would unfold afterward. I had no idea what would happen, of course, but I felt like something would change in a direction that wasn't good for me.
I could tell. That feeling that depending on my answer, she might draw a line between us.
Look at her face, so clearly relieved by my answer. Even if I had said it, she wouldn't have taken my side — she would have taken the side of Woo-bin oppa, a complete stranger she'd just met.
Thinking that, a sudden queasiness rose up in me. A strange urge to vomit stirred in my gut. Was it from too much stress?
The weekend arrived.
It had come after all.
The day Seoa went on a date with that guy.
It was a date, for all intents and purposes — the two of them meeting separately and spending the whole day together. Wanting to avoid that thought as much as possible, I tried to throw myself into my own work. But that was nothing more than a temporary fix.
The moment I had a free second, I picked up my phone and checked Seoa's social media. A photo had already gone up — of her eating a delicious-looking cake at a café, as if she was already having a great time with that guy.
Fuck.
She'd never once posted something like this with me… It was a scene that filled me with a real sense of deprivation. Did it have to be this cruel?
Of course, she hadn't posted a photo of herself with that guy. It was just a picture of the cake. She hadn't even tagged anyone. It was just my own persecution complex making me think that way.
And this was a place we'd gone together, too. Looking at the cake brought the memory back. It was the cake Seoa had raved about back then. And now she was there, smiling and eating cake with another man instead of me.
Even the memories we'd shared felt tainted. Why did she have to take a photo like this at a place we'd gone together? How miserable did she plan to make a person?
From the moment I saw that photo, I couldn't get any work done at all. I just ran to the bed and lay down.
I didn't want to do anything… I just wanted to burrow under the covers and fall asleep. I wanted this time to end as soon as possible.
I wanted the Seoa I knew to come back soon. I wanted to go back to the days when we walked home from school together. At least then, I could see Seoa acting the same as before. That was our time alone. That was time with Seoa I could claim without shame.
I hoped that if I just closed my eyes and opened them again, the weekend would be over.
But the world doesn't work in such simple ways.
Even if I closed my eyes and looked away, Seoa was spending time with that man. And that would definitely affect the time alone I'd hoped for between just the two of us going forward. She'd talk about what happened with that guy like it was nothing, for sure. I might need to start preparing myself for those words of hers from now on.
My heart had been aching continuously for a while now. And that queasiness of unknown origin started rising again. Cold sweat ran down my skin, but I didn't want to throw off the blanket covering me.
And so the hellish weekend dragged on.
It was a weekend when the childhood friend I loved shared her happiness with another man.