A Healthy Kind of Tension
“Is something wrong? You suddenly started staring at your phone so seriously…”
“Ah, no. It’s just that I think I should get going soon.”
“You’re right… A lot of time has passed. Where do you live?”
Listening to the flow of Sebin’s conversation, it felt like we were heading toward walking home together. So a day had come when I would walk home with someone other than Seoa. As I began trying to change myself, even the small things around me started shifting right away. It might simply have been good luck, but if I hadn’t even started trying to change, this kind of luck wouldn’t have found me either.
Unfortunately, Sebin and I weren’t headed in the exact same direction the whole way, so we decided to walk together only as far as the school’s main gate.
It was awkward.
The atmosphere was awkward, yet it felt somehow all right. It was just the right amount of tension that came from being with someone else after so long—not the kind of stress that crushed you, but a healthy kind of stimulation. Whenever I was with Seoa, I had always stressed myself out by attaching all sorts of meanings to every single word she said, every little thing she did. Compared to that, this was a healthy stimulus.
“Minjae. If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to learn a bit from you.”
“Ah… but wouldn’t it be better to start by paying more attention in class first?”
“W-well, that’s true, but… I’m not an engineering student.”
Right… Sebin wasn’t an engineering student. No wonder the vibe she gave off was far too bright and lively to belong to one. And yet she had joined the Game Development Club anyway—that took real guts. Or maybe it was better to call it sincerity. Looking at her reaction, sincerity fit far better than guts.
“Then I’ll do what I can within my limits.”
“Thank you.”
She had been walking right beside me, but suddenly she stepped out in front of me and stopped. Then she bowed deeply at the waist in thanks. This person… she was serious about showing gratitude. I hadn’t even promised anything that impressive, so just receiving the bow felt awkward enough that I dipped my head in return—though nowhere near as low as hers.
“Ahaha! Why are you bowing too, Minjae?”
“Ah, it’s just kind of embarrassing.”
She looked at what I had done and burst into a peal of laughter. It was a harmless laugh—pure, without a single ulterior motive behind it. It had been a long time since I had seen a laugh like that. Whenever Seoa smiled, I had always been too busy spinning fantasies about what it might mean.
“So what major are you in originally, Sebin?”
“I’m… in Creative Writing. Pretty much the complete opposite of game development, right?”
“Ah… I don’t think it’s completely opposite.”
“Really?”
“For example, game scenarios, game planning… or depending on the genre, there are games where the scenario is the main focus.”
“Is that true? I had no idea…”
As we kept talking about things like that, the walk home that had seemed destined to stay awkward reached its end before I knew it.
“Well, I have to go this way.”
“Okay. Take care.”
We bowed to each other once more. Then I set off toward my own path.
Honestly, the whole way down to the main gate—and even right in front of it—I had been worried I might run into Seoa. After all, I had texted her to go on ahead, and we had left the club room not long after. Fortunately, I never crossed paths with her. She really had gone off alone.
Only then did a little gloom settle over me. Was it because Sebin was no longer at my side? Had I only been able to muster that courage because she was there? Had I weakly ended up leaning on her without even realizing it? Thoughts like those washed over me in a wave.
How would Seoa change after what happened today? Knowing her personality, she definitely wouldn’t just let it slide. She would have stored it away in her heart. Or maybe she was thinking it had worked out perfectly. Maybe she had been treating me like dead weight all this time and, because of the childhood-friend title, hadn’t been able to cut me off first—so she was glad I had finally fallen away on my own.
The brief peace in my heart quickly grew unstable again. I was back to my old self. I picked up my phone and checked Seoa’s SNS account, curious whether she had posted anything in the meantime. But nothing had gone up. I couldn’t tell whether that was fortunate for me or disappointing. There was no way for me to know. I could never read her heart, after all.
“What about the club?”
“I don’t have to go every day.”
In the end, I chose to walk home with Seoa today. Deep down I was a little scared that yesterday’s actions might have driven a wedge between us. Of course you couldn’t go numb all at once. Because of that, Sebin might still be waiting for me in the club room. I hoped she wasn’t. I had no way to contact her, so I hadn’t been able to tell her in advance. I told myself it couldn’t be helped.
Seoa, walking beside me, suddenly stopped mid-stride, as if she had something serious to say.
“Minjae. Talk with me for a second.”
“Huh?”
“Maybe… we should grab a café?”
A café. That actually put me in a good mood. It wasn’t the serious talk I had been dreading; it simply meant I could spend more time with Seoa. Before she started liking Woo-bin, days like this—just the two of us at a café or grabbing a meal—had been common. After she fell for him, those occasions had dwindled. So the hand she held out first felt welcome.
For someone who had made such a fuss yesterday about preparing to grow numb, I was completely conquered by even this small gesture. Yeah, this was the reality of one-sided love. No matter how hard you tried to push it away, it never went the way you wanted. The moment she gave you even a scrap of attention, your heart started racing, and you ended up satisfied with that alone.
We arrived at the ordinary franchise café we always went to and sat facing each other.
“Why did you join the club without even telling me?”
“Just… it kind of happened. I joined on impulse too…”
“Really? You still should’ve said something. It hurts, you know.”
“Sorry…”
She was scolding me over yesterday, but I actually felt good about it—because it meant I had earned her attention. I liked that I had made her feel left out. I even liked that she was scolding me like this. It felt like someone like me had actually affected her emotions.
That lift in my mood didn’t last long. She soon brought up Woo-bin. The thing I had been dreading had finally arrived. It was time to hear about the relationship I didn’t want to know about, yet secretly wanted to confirm.
“I watched a movie with Woo-bin oppa over the weekend. But I don’t think our movie tastes match.”
“Why?”
“You know. I like cruel, scary movies. But Woo-bin oppa seems to like romance.”
“Well… your tastes are pretty unique. Besides me, there probably aren’t many people who’d watch them with you.”
My mood lifted again right away. The fact that his movie tastes didn’t match hers was good news for me, so I casually slipped in a little appeal that only I could match her preferences. Was that my own brand of flirting?
“You’re right. You’re the only one who watches those kinds of movies with me. Isn’t it amazing that even our childhood friend has the same movie tastes?”
“Yeah, it is…”
I put on a deliberately smug expression and even squared my shoulders a little because I felt so good. Then Seoa suddenly let out a sigh full of worry.
“Maybe I should start a part-time job… There are so many things I want.”
“Do you have to? Maybe drop the greed of needing to own everything you want?”
“Hmph… You don’t get it. A girl’s heart.”
“You were a girl?”
Ah… what a pathetic loser. Deep down I liked her so much, yet I was spouting nonsense like she didn’t even look like a girl to me—as if I were advertising that I didn’t see her as a woman at all. I showed that kind of stupid side.
“Forget it. I’m going to the bathroom.”
She left her phone on the table and headed to the restroom. For a moment the screen stayed lit, so my eyes naturally drifted to it.
Earrings? Did she want earrings? Well… Seoa had always been interested in accessories like that. And when it came to accessories, I had one thing I could be proud of. The necklace I had given her as a kid. She still wore that Silver Necklace. Honestly, that was something worth bragging about, right? Even if I told myself it was only because of friendship, I couldn’t help feeling proud.
Earrings… should I buy them for her?
Maybe it was because of the strangely buoyant mood I’d been in, but before I knew it I was already planning to gift her a pair of Earrings. Growing numb, my ass. All I could think about was how to get Seoa’s attention. Still, a gift… I could give that as friendship, right? From way back I had often bought her things she said she wanted. At first it had been my own way of expressing my feelings. But at some point it had turned into self-satisfaction. I simply liked the way Seoa looked when she received a gift and was happy. So even if she had deliberately shown me this, I didn’t feel particularly bad. If receiving something from me made her happy, that was enough. I was satisfied just watching that. I liked the bright smile she showed me then. And there was also the desire to secure my place somehow. As long as she thought of me whenever she needed something, I could play even that pathetic role without complaint.
A little while later Seoa returned from the bathroom.
“Recommend me a part-time job. If I hang out with Woo-bin oppa again, this month might actually be dangerous…”
Ah…
Don’t tell me…
When she hung out with that bastard, was Seoa the one paying? The thought made me clench my molars without realizing it. I spent money for Seoa, and Seoa spent money for that guy? The cold, cruel reality made my stomach twist. Yeah… this was the reality of a pathetic person like me. My mood had risen and fallen over and over, and in the end it finished like this.
Back home, I sank into deep thought alone. What the hell did I even want to do? I had sworn I would grow numb. That I would prepare to grow distant. I had clearly made that resolution. But the moment I spent time with Seoa again, I was instantly satisfied with the present, as if I had never held such a weak heart. Then the second that guy’s name left her mouth, I grew depressed without meaning to. Wasn’t I a complete lunatic? Right now I was the perfect picture of someone who deserved the title “human mood swing.”
I had heard the saying that everything depends on your mindset. People said it all the time. But… I thought the “everything” part needed to be removed. Instinctive emotions never seemed like something you could solve just by deciding to. Still, I had to cling to that saying—the one about it depending on your mindset. Without it, it felt like there was no way for me to change.
Grow numb. Grow numb. I repeated the resolution to myself. And maybe this was for the sake of building a healthy relationship between us. The fact that she liked another guy wasn’t a crime. And because I knew that, I also knew it wasn’t something I could interfere with. That was why I wanted to change this version of myself. Not to blame her, but to try changing this pathetic me. I had to dress up my ugly feelings with nice words like that. Even if only a little, I wanted to hide the pathetic side of myself.
Yeah… let’s reduce the times I run into Seoa. When I was with Sebin, I had been someone fully ready to grow numb. Right. Starting tomorrow, I would cut down on running into Seoa.