Role Reversal

I stared blankly at the powered-off monitor.

Then, all of a sudden, I couldn't contain my rage and threw a fit all by myself. I kept slamming the desk over and over, and even slapped my own cheeks hard.

Of course I did—it was just so damn pathetic. I'd done something completely absurd.

I had thought that if I just shut myself away like this, the world would come pull me out. That the world would be the first to reach out a warm hand and comfort me. If I got a little greedier, I even believed it might save me. At the very least… I thought it would wait for me. Until I came back to my senses.

But that wasn't the case.

The world didn't care about someone like me. Whether I fell apart or not, the world couldn't have cared less.

What a foolish thought. What a convenient way to think. It was only natural that nothing would change unless I stood up on my own.

So I was furious at myself. I couldn't even stand to look at myself like this with my eyes open.

“Aaaargh!! You fucking idiot! You pathetic bastard. You weak piece of shit!”

I raged like that alone, screaming at the top of my lungs. And this wasn't a cry of despair or anything of the sort. It was simply that this was the only way to vent the rage welling up inside me, so that was how I acted.

Get a grip. Get a grip already. Stop falling apart.

I tried to snap myself awake and pull myself together. I'd been acting like I was the protagonist of the world—like some tragic hero. But that wasn't it. In this world, I was neither the protagonist nor anything else.

I'd been making myself weak ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠with thoughts like: It's okay to be like this because I'm struggling right now. It's fine because my mind isn't right. It's okay to fall apart a little, to waste time. I was so pathetic and stupid for that, it made me furious.

Maybe it was actually a good thing.

If something like what just happened hadn't occurred… if I hadn't been rejected from the contest and even caused trouble for other people… I would have just kept sinking into the darkness without even thinking these things.

Maybe it was actually a good thing. Yeah, let's try to think a little positively, at least. It's late, but let's struggle now.

As I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water, that was what I thought. Let's get back up. The way I'd been falling apart all this time was ridiculous. Looking back, it really was.

Ding-dong—!

That was the moment. Someone had come again. Someone had come to this place where no one was supposed to visit.

At first I thought maybe the rejection email had gone not just to me but to my parents as well. That maybe my parents had come to our house because of that. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠But no. Come to think of it, how would they even know my parents' contact info.

“Minjae…”

When I opened the door, Seoa stood there, her eyes red and swollen. Facing her, I thought she was the main culprit who had ruined my life. Even though I'd ruined it with my own hands, that was what I thought.

Looking down at Seoa with that kind of gaze, I'd originally planned to send her away right then and there, but I wanted to pick a fight. So I let her inside.

“Why did you come all the way here again? Want to take a look around or something?”

“No… I just… I was worried about you…”

“Worried? You did this to me and you're worried? You're a real fucking joke too.”

“I'm sorry…”

Her atmosphere was quite different from the Seoa I'd seen during the day. I didn't know why it felt that way… but there was something different about her. And I didn't know exactly in what way it was different.

“Did you come just to say you're sorry with your mouth again, even though you're not actually sorry?”

“I'm sorry… for not believing what you said back then.”

“What…”

Wondering what that meant, I hesitated for a moment, turning it over in my head. And in that instant, Seoa reached out with both hands and took my right hand. I felt a cold touch. Then, trembling, she brought it to her own cheek.

“Minjae… you can hit me as much as you want until your anger is gone. I just want you to know that I'm sincere, even if it's like that.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“My brother hit you, right? I'll take it instead. I know everything now. I know just how terrible the things I did to you were…”

What a vicious bitch. Was she putting on this kind of show now? Knowing full well that I couldn't hit her… was she acting like this?

“I'm really ready to take the hit, and I know I did something that bad. So if you can just come back, I'll do anything.”

At those words, I raised my hand high. I raised it as if I was really going to slap her cheek. Then Seoa squeezed her eyes shut tight and her body trembled. It looked like she was actually prepared to take the hit if I struck her like that.

Somehow… this seemed too sincere to just be a performance. And I lowered the hand I'd raised. Of course. No matter how broken I was… I wasn't the type to hit a person like this. And she was a girl I'd liked, after all. I wasn't enough of a complete bastard yet to slap the cheek of a girl like that.

Vrrr—

Into the highly charged scene, that small vibration sound squeezed its way in. In this room where even each other's breathing had sounded loud, even that small vibration seemed to ring out loudly. Seoa and I both snapped our gazes to my phone at the same time.

I reached out to check what that vibration was telling me. Then—

“No!”

Seoa hurriedly came up to me and pulled me into a hug. It was startling. Seoa suddenly hugging me was startling. And it was the first time. The first time Seoa had hugged me like this.

The vibration still ringing. That meant a call was coming in right now. And if the caller wasn't Seoa, the only remaining possibility was Sebin-noona—I could tell. And Seoa seemed to know that too.

“It's that woman… please don't answer. I'm begging you. Please don't answer.”

Seoa said that with her face buried in my chest. She said it in a voice that sounded like she was about to cry. Why was she saying that? Why was she stopping me from answering a call from Noona?

I didn't say anything. Because I didn't know what to say either. I had no idea what was going on with the situation right now. Because of Seoa showing such a drastic change, I didn't know either. What the hell was this situation?

“I'll really do better. I know it's not something I should be saying at this point. But please… give me a chance.”

As if afraid I might suddenly answer the phone, Seoa kept saying things like that. And I could feel that those words were sincere. For the first time in a long while, honesty came through in Seoa's words. It seemed like the first time Seoa's honest feelings had shown like that. Seoa looked that desperate right now.

But…

The one who would save me wasn't Seoa. It was Noona. I'd already thought that. Wanting to be saved again by the person who had broken me like this… that was a stupid thing to do. Of course. Taking the hand of someone who had already broken me once wasn't something I should do. It would be the same as being fooled, knowing she was someone who could break me like that again anytime.

In the end, I answered the phone. Seoa had held me like that, but I chose Noona. I knew this was the only way for me to get back up. To make a comeback from being this broken, I thought I had to take Noona's hand, not Seoa's.

I looked down at Seoa, who was still holding onto me. She still had her face buried in my chest. All I could see was the top of her head. Even so, I could tell she was crying. I felt my chest growing damp. That was probably Seoa's tears soaking into my clothes.

And then I hung up. Once again, only a desolate silence filled the room. Carefully, I peeled Seoa off me. At first she put a little strength into it, trying not to let go, but soon she came away from my body.

The face I saw then was, as expected, streaming with tears. I didn't know why she was making that expression.

“I have to go out now, so you should leave too.”

I couldn't get ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠any angrier at her. So I just spoke in a calm voice. Whether it was because I was facing Seoa with that sad face, or because I'd heard Noona's warm voice—I couldn't tell exactly which—I just didn't want to be angry anymore.

Seoa sank down onto the filthy floor and started to cry. She wasn't saying anything in particular; she just sobbed sorrowfully. Was she trying to hold me back even like that? Did she think that if she sat here and cried, I wouldn't leave?

No… I was going to leave her like that. I wasn't going to fall for her schemes anymore.

“Stay like that if you want. I'm leaving.”

I left those words behind, grabbed nothing but my phone, and slipped out of the house. Until that very moment, Seoa didn't ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠move. She just sat there crying. She'd go back on her own. She wasn't the type to stay until I came home again. Once she realized things weren't going her way, Seoa would turn right around and leave.

Thinking that, I left the house to meet Noona.