Already Broken Toy (6)
What had I just heard?
That he had liked me?
Minjae… had liked me?
He had clearly said so. That everything had turned out this way because he liked me.
The moment those words reached me, I could no longer do anything at all. My head went blank. Something inside my chest twisted strangely. Hearing that from Minjae’s mouth made my heart feel… wrong. So I offered no real resistance as his strength pulled me out of that house. The words I had just heard still hadn’t been processed by my brain. My ears had simply registered the sound; my mind had not yet accepted them. I was incapable of any action.
He meant he had liked me as a woman, not as a friend, right?
It might even be laughable that I was asking myself the question. I had vaguely known Minjae harbored feelings for me. I had deliberately pretended not to notice, but I had known, at least to some degree. Still, I could never accept it. Because I had no certainty. No certainty about myself, and no certainty that Minjae truly liked me. It seemed obvious he was fond of me, yet I never knew whether that fondness was real love. After all, he had never confessed, and sometimes he acted as if he did not see me as a woman at all. So I told myself that the way he treated me so well was simply because our relationship was precious to him. And I, too, had no idea what the feelings I held for Minjae actually were. Maybe, just like him, I felt this way only because we were precious to each other. Because we were so close, so important to one another. I thought the desire to keep staying together, the ache of missing him the moment we parted, might simply spring from that. Having never loved anyone before, I wondered whether I was mistaking the emotions of our relationship for love.
Woo-bin?
Looking back, perhaps I had met him in order to confirm my own heart. I needed to know, with certainty, what love really was. And at the same time I had been curious how Minjae would react if he saw me like that. I wanted to understand my own feelings, and I wanted to understand what kind of feelings Minjae held for me as well. So I met Woo-bin a few times. Of course we never dated. I had never intended to. I only wanted to check my heart. And what I felt with him was similar to what I felt with Minjae, yet slightly different. Even then I still could not tell what real love was. As the time I spent with Woo-bin increased, maybe I had simply grown attached. Maybe it was nothing more than friendship.
But I made one mistake.
If that was the case, I should never have treated Minjae the way I did. I should have kept him bound to my side and made him wait. It might sound ugly. It might make me look selfish. I should have maintained that same ambiguous distance with him as always. That was what I should have done. While I briefly checked what my own heart was, I should have held Minjae close. I believed that if it was Minjae, he would understand someone like me and wait. That belief made me arrogant.
The day Minjae and I fought viciously over Woo-bin—that was my mistake. I should never have exploded at him like that. If I meant to keep him by my side while only testing my own feelings, I at least should not have behaved that way. It was probably a mistake born of my personality, the way I charge straight in the moment I get angry. And Minjae, instead of absorbing it the way he always had, charged right back. Because of that my rage flared like wildfire, unstoppable, and I lashed out even worse. Looking back now, I think Minjae’s actions that day already told me how he felt about me. The heart I had wanted to confirm might already have given me its answer then. But at the time I was far too furious to think of any of that; I simply raged.
I know perfectly well that my personality is terrible. But—if I may make an excuse—I never imagined that something like that would twist our relationship this far. I never even considered the possibility. After that day, when we kept our distance, I thought Minjae was simply locked in a pride contest the same way I was. So I believed that whenever I swallowed my pride and apologized, everything would be fine. Contrary to my expectations, however, we only grew farther apart. So far it felt as if it might truly end. I never thought it would go that far. I never wanted it to. In the end it reached the point where even when I apologized, Minjae would not accept me.
But now I think I understand why our relationship shattered so completely after that day. If Minjae had liked me… the way everything unfolded was not strange at all. And today, at last, I feel I know the truth of the heart I have been searching for all this time. Hearing from Minjae’s own mouth that he had liked me finally gave me certainty. The emotion that had been stirring inside me whenever I was with him. The emotion that rose whenever I saw him looking happy with another girl. This was the moment its truth was revealed.
I… liked Minjae too.
Only after everything had already gone wrong did I become certain of it. Really only now… only after all of this.
Why did you only say you liked me now? You should have told me from the beginning.
Me too.
I like you too.
I can’t hide it any longer. I can’t make excuses. I like Minjae. I like him. Maybe I have liked you for quite a long time already. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry for realizing it this late.
It was sad. Insanely, unbearably sad. If I let myself accept that sadness now, I felt I would break into tears I could never control, so I fought desperately not to cry.
“Let’s clean for the first time in a while. Then… maybe my heart will settle a little.”
I muttered the words to myself and began rummaging through the things in the room, going through the motions of cleaning. And that was when it happened—the moment the tears I had been barely holding back burst free without resistance.
Behind the table cluttered with various ornaments, I saw the earrings. And stuck to those earrings was a single Post-it note.
You looked way too drunk, so I brought you all the way here. And since you told me to come inside, don’t go suspecting me of anything. Also lose some weight—I thought I was gonna die from how heavy you were. The earrings are just a gift after a long time. I still don’t really know your taste, but this looked the prettiest to me so I went with these.
I picked it up, my hands trembling violently. Tears poured down and showed no sign of stopping. If I emptied every last tear from my body, would I be all right? Would this sorrow evaporate along with them? Please, let that be true. I had no idea how many more tears I would have to shed before I could endure this grief. My heart ached so sharply it felt as if my chest would split open.
If you felt this way about me… you should have said so sooner, you foolish idiot.
I sank to the floor, wrapping both arms around my knees and pulling them tight against my chest. For a long while I simply sat there, tears streaming without end. Without even knowing, I had done those things to Minjae. To someone who liked me, I had been that cruel. I had done things no person should ever do. This time I was not merely pretending to understand Minjae’s position. I did not need to try; I could feel it in my bones—how terrible what I had done truly was. And that made the pain even worse.
I picked up the note again and read it once more. Then I rose to my feet. This was no time to sit here crying. I had to go find Minjae right now. But first there was something I needed to do. I lifted my phone and called Woo-bin.
“What’s up? You feeling a little better now?”
“Yeah. But let’s stop contacting each other from now on. That’s what I called to say.”
“What? Why all of a sudden?”
“It doesn’t matter. We’re not even dating. I was just going to ghost you, but since you’re older I figured I’d at least be considerate. I’m hanging up.”
“W-wait a second. Sounds like that bastard said some more weird shit to you. You’re actually believing him?”
“Yeah. I feel so pathetic for not believing Minjae from the start.”
“Haa… the two of you are both completely fucking insane.”
“Don’t say that. At least don’t say that about Minjae.”
“If I’d known it would end up like this I should’ve just beaten the shit out of that bastard back then. Fuck, this is pissing me off so bad. You two having fun playing with someone like this?”
I saw no reason to keep talking to him and hung up unilaterally. Listening to him only confirmed it—back then, that whole incident really had been my misunderstanding. Yes. In the end everything had gone wrong because of my misunderstanding. Minjae had done nothing wrong. The reason we had ended up like this… I had been the starting point of it all. The reason Minjae had broken so completely…
I have to go. There’s no time for this. I have to face Minjae again and fix our relationship. It might not be too late yet. I have to tell him my honest feelings. All this time the only things between us have been arguments that circled around the surface, as if we kept leaving out something important. Even my apologies never really came from honest emotion. That was why it always ended this way. This time I will face Minjae with my true self. I will confess my true heart. If I do that, maybe we can go back to the way we were. I cannot let Minjae break any further.
With that resolve I bolted straight out of the house. Tears kept falling, but I wiped them away with my hand as I ran, desperate to reach Minjae’s place as fast as possible. I arrived once more at the door I had been driven from only a few hours earlier. Standing in front of it, I drew a deep breath.
Please… don’t tell me it’s too late. Only now have I finally faced my honest heart.
I lifted my phone and quickly checked my face. If I looked too hideous it would be a little hard. Facing Minjae with a completely ruined face felt wrong. My eyes were bloodshot and red, which bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about that right now. Carefully I brought my finger to the doorbell of Minjae’s apartment.
In that instant a scream erupted from inside—a raw, uncontrolled roar of rage.