An Already Broken Toy

It was morning.

The fact that this unpleasant sunlight was waking me made it certain: morning had arrived.

Just as I'd hoped. I hadn't particularly tried to fall asleep, yet somehow I'd drifted off without realizing it.

Because I'd fallen asleep without drawing the blackout curtains.

That was why I was greeting this unpleasant morning instead.

School… should I go?

With a new day, the emotional turbulence wasn't as severe as it had been yesterday. I'd grown a little numb.

As anyone knows, sadness is an emotion that fades quickly with time. Unless I deliberately dredged up those memories and forced myself to sink back into the feelings of that moment, I didn't think I would feel particularly sad.

But the lethargy remained unchanged. Regardless of the sadness, my body was still listless. I had no desire to do anything at all.

I wasn't sad—I simply felt hollow, empty. I didn't feel like putting in any effort. It was as if my sense of purpose had vanished.

Originally, I'd had a goal of living my life well on my own, even without Seoa. A goal of starting my life anew. And that goal had subtly included a small desire for revenge—wanting to show Seoa a version of myself who was doing just fine, standing tall in front of her.

But after yesterday's events, it seemed I'd lost that goal. I hadn't lost it of my own will, but because of external forces.

The little scheme I'd prepared alone to rebound had been too weak. The tiny spark of rebellion I'd dreamed of had been snuffed out mercilessly before it could spread to anything around it.

Seoa hadn't left me even that small opening. She hadn't even given me a place to plant my feet and rise again. With those ridiculous rumors, she'd taken away the place where I belonged.

As a student, the only place I could engage in social activities was school. The only place where I could form new connections, make friends, and do those kinds of things was school. But if she spread rumors like that there… what was I supposed to do?

Unlike my own influence, Seoa's words carried weight. She was friendly with everyone in the department, and before I knew it, she seemed close with the seniors too. Under those adverse conditions, the possibility of me rising again there was nonexistent.

To make matters worse, being a freshman, most of my classes were major courses—meaning my schedule forced me to keep operating under those bad conditions. I couldn't endure it.

Of course, there was the club, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠but that wasn't a perfect escape right now.

Someone might think: Are you running away just because of a rumor like that?

Rumor? Honestly, the severity of the rumor didn't matter much. What I feared was the gazes of the kids who believed it and looked at me badly.

Maybe because I'd been a total loser since I was little. Even a little of that kind of look made me flinch in fear. Part of it was my personality, but with people already openly thinking poorly of me, I wasn't the type to brazenly hold my head high and walk around.

I'd had a similar experience in my school days. Because I hung around with Seoa, the popular kids came looking for me and said things. What nerve did I have hanging out with Seoa when I wasn't even cool myself? Was I giving her money or something? Was I badmouthing them behind her back? Otherwise, why wouldn't Seoa hang out with us?

They surrounded me and harassed me. If you called it school violence, it was school violence.

Anyway, maybe that experience left a trauma. That might be why this incident felt even more terrifying.

And what I ultimately wanted to say was… you wouldn't know unless you'd been through it. How agonizing it was to hear such false accusations. How terrifying it was to have the majority of people looking at you badly, even if it was just a trivial rumor. You wouldn't know unless you'd been through it.

Yeah. Now more than sad, I was scared. I'd lost my sense of purpose, but on a more basic level, that was what scared me most. I was afraid of going to school.

You stormed out of school like that yesterday, and yet you came back after all.

How shameless.

That whole thing yesterday was just bravado, right? What courage does a loser like you have to skip class?

It's hilarious that the word "slut" even comes out of a loser like you's mouth.

So fucking disgusting.

I felt like I'd hear those words. Like I'd hear that kind of mockery and ridicule. Of course, there was no guarantee it would actually happen. But already, I was jumping to conclusions and fretting alone like this.

Now do you see how cowardly I am, how timid I am, how much of a loser I am? I was scared. Scared to go to school. The reason I'd run away like that yesterday was because I was so terrified.

I seemed to be in a pretty unstable psychological state right now. Without realizing it, I was pinching both my thighs with both hands. But I didn't feel much pain. The pain of my nails digging into the flesh of my thighs seemed to be exchanging equally with the psychological pain I was feeling. That was probably why it didn't hurt much.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I stood up. To keep yesterday's resolution of at least saying goodbye to Sebin noona.

I pulled my hat down low and walked outside. The sunlight beating down on me was too intense. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Even though it was still morning, it was already muggy outside. A sign that summer was slowly approaching, I supposed.

Come to think of it… it was still morning. Even if I went to the club room now, noona wouldn't be there. She'd be in the middle of classes too.

As I walked quite a distance, that thought suddenly occurred to me. I was such an idiot…

I should turn back.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. I was going to go back home. I thought it was actually for the best. Having an excuse to go home made me feel good.

Truthfully… I wanted to say goodbye to noona, but I didn't want to go all the way to school. Good. If I turned back now, I probably wouldn't come outside again. I didn't think I'd do something stupid like skipping all my classes and only showing up to the club like before.

I'd just tell her over the phone. That was the compromise I came up with alone. After all, I just needed to convey my message.

My resolution hadn't been that firm after all. Yeah, it didn't seem so.

As I was heading home ordinarily, my eyes suddenly fell on a convenience store. I don't know why I entered the convenience store as if possessed by something. Then about five minutes passed, and I came back out.

It was the first time. I never thought I'd buy something like that. I just impulsively wanted to buy it. I must have wanted to do something rebellious.

Yeah, what I held in my hand was a pack of cigarettes. In mass media, when something hard happens or when people rebel, they often rely on cigarettes. Maybe I'd been influenced without realizing it.

I quietly stuffed the cigarettes into my pocket and walked quickly home. I felt strangely like I was doing something bad. My steps were by no means proud.

Back home, I sat at my desk. And now I took out one of those cigarettes. It felt like ordinary paper wrapped around brown powder inside. It didn't have the texture of special paper. The tip felt like it would crumble if I applied even a little force.

Then I naturally pushed the closed end toward my lips.

"Ah…"

A sigh escaped me without thinking. I had cigarettes but no lighter. Like an idiot, I'd only bought cigarettes and not a lighter. There was no way to light it.

I had no choice but to push the cigarette back into the pack. But it didn't go in easily. So I forced it with strength and ended up breaking it.

The situation was so absurd that a hollow laugh came out. How stupid. This whole sequence of events. Suddenly buying cigarettes on a whim, then not being able to smoke because I had no lighter. And then breaking the cigarette.

How clumsy was this rebellion of mine. Did it mean only people who'd done it before could rebel properly?

The cigarette that couldn't return to its original place and broke emptily seemed to represent the situation we were in now. It seemed to tell me that once you fall out, it's not easy to go back there.

Like me and Seoa. Now that we'd gone astray like this, we could never return to how we were at the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠beginning.

Thinking that made me feel a little depressed. A gloomy mood settled in too. Even though Seoa had done something so terrible to me, when I thought about it that way, I felt a little sad. Because I thought we could never go back to the beginning.

How deeply had you taken root in my heart? How much more of you did I have to empty out before I stopped feeling this way?

I hung my head. Then the cigarette I'd broken earlier came into view. The cigarette lay broken on the floor, scattering suspicious brown powder.

So, was I this broken cigarette? Was that cigarette, ugly and no longer able to function, my image?

No? No. I wouldn't try to go back to my original place like this cigarette. Then there would be no chance of breaking, right?

I comforted myself with that thought alone. I soothed this sudden wave of depression a little. I patted myself on the back and encouraged myself. I would never become like that.

A little later, I thought I'd go out to buy a lighter. Yeah, rest a bit and then go buy a lighter.

I don't know how much time passed. I hadn't particularly checked my phone. Then I got straight up from the bed and walked toward the convenience store with a sullen face. I needed to buy a lighter.

I didn't choose a lighter that used flint to ignite because I had no experience with it. You never know. I couldn't have another mishap where I bought one and couldn't use it, so I couldn't smoke. So I just picked a lighter where you press a button and fire comes out.

In front of the house, I took out the cigarette I'd brought in advance. Then I put it in my mouth. I felt like I should crouch down in this situation, so I did.

Man… my current appearance was the perfect thug. The so-called delinquent type. Not going to school, crouching like this in broad daylight with a cigarette in my mouth.

Being an adult was this amazing, huh. Just because I'd gotten older, I could casually do the things the delinquents did in high school. Back then, it looked like they were breaking some huge taboo, but actually, even someone like me could do it without a second thought.

With a tense heart, I raised the lighter and brought it to the tip of the cigarette. If I just pressed this button, I'd be smoking. Thinking that, Seoa's words suddenly came to mind.

Don't you dare take any interest in things like cigarettes! If you smoke, I'll really cut you off for good.

When we became adults, Seoa used to say things like that to me. Yeah, Seoa had said cigarettes were the thing she hated most in the world. Seoa's father was a real heavy smoker. Probably because of that, she said she hated cigarettes the most. Seoa must have said that to me because she was afraid I'd become a heavy smoker just like her father.

Why was something like this suddenly coming to mind? Well… it didn't really matter now. We'd already basically cut ties.

I pressed the button. When I pressed it, fire came out. I brought the tip of the cigarette to it and moved it around, waiting for it to light. But it didn't catch easily. In my common sense, I thought if you brought fire to paper, it would light right away.

Looking a bit pathetic, I was struggling with a cigarette that wouldn't light. Ironically, even in a moment like this, I didn't know how to look cool.

"Mi-Minjae… wh-what are you doing right now…"

An unexpected voice reached me. Yeah, it was a truly unexpected voice. I never thought Seoa would ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠come looking for me here.