An Already Broken Toy (2)

It was the moment I was about to light the cigarette.

Of all the moments, it had to be that one.

The very instant I was about to put flame to the tip while recalling what Seoa had said— as if lighting this cigarette would somehow become a branching point that rewrote the world line itself.

Right as I moved to smoke, Seoa spotted me.

I still had no idea why she had suddenly come running all the way to my place like this, but anyway.

“M-Minjae… what’s wrong…?”

Seoa looked back and forth between me and the cigarette with a cautious expression.

I met her eyes straight on.

Didn’t she find even the sight of me disgusting?

Why had she come looking for someone like this?

That thought crossed my mind. And then the cigarette caught.

I pressed my lips tight and took a long, hard drag.

Hot smoke flooded my mouth. I immediately blew it back out.

It didn’t feel like much. No real sensation at all.

What… am I doing something wrong? I wondered.

“Minjae… why are you smoking?”

Without so much as pretending to listen, I exhaled a cloud of smoke straight toward her. Seoa dropped her gaze to the ground.

Staring at the pavement, she was trembling a little.

“School… why aren’t you coming?”

What?

How could she say something so shameless?

Did she genuinely not know, asking me the reason like that?

But I didn’t let any of that emotion show on the surface.

I calmly took another drag.

Maybe because I was swallowing my anger inside, the smoke that entered my mouth didn’t just linger there—it slid naturally down my airway.

A cough burst out of me without warning.

It felt like something dull and rough scraping the inside of my throat. A sharp sting flared somewhere between my nose and windpipe.

Ah… so this is how you’re actually supposed to smoke a cigarette. I realized it then.

I decided to pour all my attention into the cigarette I was smoking. If I focused on Seoa’s words instead, I was sure my mind would start unraveling again.

She was the one who made it so I couldn’t even go to school, and now she was standing ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠in front of me saying that with a straight face.

The sight of her was revolting. No—it was frightening.

Just thinking about how she had tried to bury me by spreading those rumors behind my back made my teeth grind with rage.

So I simply immersed myself in smoking. Anything else and my fragile mental state wouldn’t hold.

Even Seoa’s voice, trying to squeeze its way into my concentration, was unpleasant to hear.

“Stop smoking. I’ve told you for ages not to smoke.”

“It’s none of your business anymore.”

“No—no, it is. Minjae… let’s talk for a minute.”

“Now? After everything?”

“……”

Seoa flinched, then wrapped one arm tightly with her other hand.

What was left for us to talk about at this point? We had already long since passed the stage where anything could be fixed with conversation.

And after we finished talking, she’d just go behind my back and trash me all over again.

That piece of trash.

I crushed the barely smoked cigarette into the ground and ground it out.

A dizzy, swimming sensation rose up, and my mouth felt dry and coated.

The ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠feeling was unpleasant. So I just put it out.

“I know you’re not coming to school because of me. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t spread the rumors on purpose, really… I didn’t know either. I never thought it would turn out like this.”

“And ever since last time, I’ve actually wanted to apologize. I’ve been thinking only about my own feelings too much…”

Seoa didn’t back down. She just kept rambling on beside me.

She would speak for a long stretch, then catch her breath.

Sometimes she would glance at me as if checking my reaction.

As the words continued, she seemed to be quietly weighing whether what she was saying was even right.

Like that, Seoa carefully, earnestly poured words at me.

And while she was still talking, I stood up from where I was sitting and walked into the house as if nothing were wrong.

The dizziness that had been building since earlier made it hard to stay upright. All I wanted was to get to my room and collapse onto the bed.

“W-wait! Where are you—”

That was the last sound I heard.

After that, the shared entrance door swung shut, and every noise cut off completely.

I lay down on the bed.

Dizzy.

It was a different kind of dizziness from the one you get after drinking.

More like the unpleasant, light-headed feeling of not enough oxygen reaching your brain.

Cold sweat beaded on my skin. My arms felt like they were going numb.

So this is what a cigarette feels like.

My phone kept vibrating. Even without looking at the screen, I already knew it was Seoa. Still, I picked it up and checked.

It had been a long time since Seoa’s name appeared on my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠phone screen.

I left that brief thought behind and covered the phone again.

I had nothing left to say to her.

After quite a while, the calls from Seoa finally stopped.

Then a vibration of a different rhythm started up.

A text had arrived. Since I hadn’t answered, Seoa seemed to have left her words in writing instead.

I felt like I shouldn’t have read those messages.

Because right above the new texts Seoa had sent, our old conversations came into view.

Even without deliberately scrolling up, I could see them clearly.

The messages we had exchanged before everything between us went wrong.

We really had times that were this peaceful. Was that what we used to be?

Without meaning to, I dragged the scroll upward and kept reading through the memories we had shared.

I read our precious memories.

Had Seoa also scrolled back through our old texts while she was sending these?

I had no way of knowing.

I pulled the scroll all the way back down to the bottom.

The trivial, everyday messages I had just been reading vanished, and only the cold, frozen lines remained.

How on earth did we end up like this? How did Seoa come to send me messages like these?

Time passed, and evening arrived.

After those texts, nothing more came from Seoa.

And I didn’t reply either.

Just time kept flowing.

It looked like unless I contacted her first, the two of us would never meet again.

After the way I had completely ignored her earlier.

Knowing Seoa’s personality, she was probably furious by now out of sheer frustration.

Which meant I could hardly expect any further contact from her.

Not that I wanted it. If anything, it was better this way.

That was what I thought—

Then my phone rang again.

It was Sebin noona.

Ah… right. I had completely forgotten I was supposed to tell her I probably couldn’t do club activities for a while.

Looking at the time, she must have called because she found it strange that I hadn’t shown my face at the club again today.

A call, not a text.

Well… I had said I would definitely come today. Not showing up like this would naturally make her a little worried.

Since I had originally planned to call her first and explain the situation myself, seeing the incoming call actually felt convenient. I picked it up right away.

Minjae-ssi?

I hadn’t set foot in the club since the day we decided to drop the formal speech…

It seemed Sebin noona was under the impression that the reason I wasn’t coming was because of that.

The misunderstanding that I was avoiding her because we had suddenly closed the distance so much.

That was why she had carefully restored the honorifics like this.

To clear that up, I deliberately called her “noona” first.

The reason I hadn’t been going to the club had nothing to do with that at all.

It seemed noona had been working hard on the game development in the meantime. There ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠were probably quite a few parts that still weren’t implementing the way she wanted.

So she needed me. And that was clearly why she was seeking me out so actively.

After class tomorrow…

I hesitated over how to answer that question.

Whether to honestly say I wasn’t even going to school, or just make up some excuse. I turned it over in my head.

I said the words to wrap things up in a hurry and hung up with a sharp click.

Somehow… if I kept talking any longer, the conversation would drag on.

I didn’t want to show noona that I was that kind of person. So I cut the call short like that.

I didn’t want her to see the version of me who couldn’t even go to school because of some ugly rumor.

I didn’t want to look pathetic even to her.

I only wanted to show the good sides—the cool version of myself who could solve anything.

I wanted to remain that kind of person. At least to Sebin noona.

After I hung up, the room filled with nothing but endless, desolate silence.

The lights had never been turned on. The moment the glow from my phone screen vanished, the space plunged into complete darkness.

With every bit of light suddenly cut off, I couldn’t even tell where I was looking. I couldn’t distinguish whether my eyes were open or closed.

That pitch-black environment only made the thoughts rising in my head stand out more clearly.

Remembering the encounter with Seoa earlier left a sour taste; remembering the people who had slandered me made a sudden fear seize my chest.

Cigarette… should I smoke another one?

Back then, it was the cigarette that had helped me stop focusing on Seoa’s chatter beside me.

This time, too—let’s shake the thoughts off while smoking. Focus only on the cigarette.

And there were still eighteen left. It would be a waste to just throw them away.

I used the phone light to find the pack. Then, right there on the spot, I lit one and smoked.

It felt different from smoking outside.

The smoke didn’t disperse at all; it felt like it was going straight into my lungs alone.

Even the soft crackling as it burned sounded pleasant.

Unlike earlier, it was surprisingly okay.

Even when I inhaled deeply, no cough came, and I didn’t feel dizzy.

Ash dropped onto the floor with a soft plop.

Uh… no ashtray. What should I do? I’ll just clean it all up later.

Thinking that, I kept smoking while tapping the ash onto the floor.

But there was a real problem with continuing to act so thoughtlessly.

How was I supposed to put this out?

Even so, I wasn’t the kind of lowlife who would grind a cigarette out on the floor of his own house.

Holding the short remaining stub, I scrambled to the sink, turned on the water, and doused the glowing tip.

I tossed the wet butt into the trash.

I was a little impressed by my own flexible problem-solving.

And so I kept smoking. One after another, until no stray thoughts could surface.

Then a violent wave of dizziness crashed over me, and nausea rose hard in my throat.

As I dry-heaved, tears spilled out on their own.

Before I knew it, the room reeked of cigarette smoke even without lighting another one.

I lay on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. No thoughts came at all.

Only the single wish that this dizziness would stop.

And that was enough. I was satisfied. I liked that nothing else rose in my mind.