What I Missed (2)
I didn't have much of an appetite, but once I put the porridge in my mouth, it went down easily.
It felt like my stomach had been craving nutrients from somewhere deep inside. I didn't particularly think it tasted good, but I kept eating.
Maybe it was because I wanted to take that medicine as soon as possible.
While I ate the porridge, my gaze stayed locked on that medicine. I couldn't look away. I couldn't tear my eyes from that ordinary little packet.
Minjae… bought this for me?
He got a call from Mom and actually went out and bought this medicine?
We weren't even on those kinds of terms right now. Just yesterday… Minjae had looked down at me with that smug, satisfied expression. And I had cursed him out for all I was worth.
That was the kind of relationship we had now. The kind where we hated each other and tore each other down.
But… Minjae was the one who brought this medicine?
My head felt foggy. Probably the fever from my body fighting its private war. And then tears welled up — without a sound, without any warning at all. They just quietly rolled down my cheeks.
Probably tears from how much my body was suffering. That was what I tried to tell myself.
I set down the spoon and raised a hand to wipe them away.
Right… that pain was probably from realizing I'd done Minjae wrong.
"Ugh… hic… Why… why are you doing this…"
Now even my small hands couldn't wipe all the tears away. A sob rose from my throat without my meaning to. My voice wouldn't come out properly from the pain, so I just whimpered alone. I stopped mid-spoonful and cried out loud like that.
"Just stay a bastard. Why are you doing this. Then I… I… I'm sorry, I'm sorry… Minjae…"
The sudden grief that seized me was a pressure I couldn't bear. I kept spitting out words no one would hear. I just kept saying I was sorry, crying.
And no one really heard them. Of course Minjae didn't hear them either.
It wasn't simply that the sound couldn't reach him. It was that an apology like this could never reach Minjae. I had walked too far for him to ever accept something like this from me.
I knew that too. That was why I had no choice but to say I was sorry alone like this.
The porridge wouldn't go down anymore… so I stopped eating. Then I frantically dug through the bag to take the medicine.
Why had he bought so much? Maybe because he didn't know what was wrong with me. So he'd bought all these different kinds.
Well, I hadn't told Mom exactly what hurt either. Just that I was sick.
But… among all those medicines. Among all the medicines Minjae had bought for me, there wasn't one that could heal this heart-rending pain tormenting me now. There was no medicine that could stop the tears that kept welling up.
And it felt like a punishment. A sentence handed down to me for not treating Minjae with care.
Keep suffering. Keep grieving.
It seemed to leave me that kind of message.
The medicine made me sleepy. So I climbed back into bed and lay down. It felt like I'd slept all day, but I was drowsy again.
I debated alone whether to text Minjae. I'd write out long messages, then erase them all again. Then try writing something lighter, then erase it because this didn't feel like a situation to brush off lightly. And in the end I just closed my phone.
If I apologize, will Minjae accept it…? Maybe he doesn't hate me that much right now?
If he went as far as buying me medicine, that means he doesn't completely hate me, right?
Please let that be true. This time I'll really apologize first. This time I won't mess up.
Please… just stay right there. I'll run back to you. Please wait for me in the place you've always been.
I won't bring up that you were wrong anymore. Even if you were wrong, it's okay. It really is okay.
So please… just once. Just lose to me one more time… I won't let you go this time.
Tears welled up again, and because I was lying down they spilled sideways and soaked my pillow.
When I go to school, I'll look Minjae in the face right away and apologize. I mean this. Whatever happened between Woo-bin oppa and Minjae doesn't matter anymore. I need Minjae by my side. I need him. There's no one who thinks of me the way Minjae does.
I rolled onto my side. Then curled up like a shrimp. My chest was so tight. The pressure squeezing me was unbearable.
Memories of the times I'd spent with Minjae kept surfacing. Those memories tormented me, almost spitefully. Was it trying to make me realize what kind of person I'd let go of?
I know. I know.
Minjae might be the person who made me who I am now. Yes — Minjae really was that kind of person to me. Looking back on my past, he was something close to a benefactor. Not someone who could be summed up as just a childhood friend — someone like a savior.
But… what had I done to that Minjae?
If I told Mom I'd grown distant from him over something like this, she'd definitely get mad at me too. Why was I only thinking this way now? No — even back then I'd known Minjae was a good person… so why had I gotten angry at him like that?
I resented myself. I couldn't run from it anymore. I just resented the me who'd acted that way back then. I lamented and resented myself for making the wrong judgment.
This grief kept circling back until it started condemning me. If this went on, I really felt like I'd go crazy. I felt so much like a terrible person I thought I'd lose my mind.
Just then I heard the sound of our door lock opening.
"Seoa—! Mom's home."
Mom came in carrying all sorts of things to eat. It felt like she had woken me up before I could sink any deeper into grief.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. I feel a little better after taking the medicine."
"Were you crying? Why are your eyes so puffy."
"Yeah… something came up."
"Well, that's a relief. Looks like the medicine Minjae brought is working."
Mom asked that after looking at my eyes.
Of course. After crying that hard, how could my eyes not be swollen. But I couldn't honestly tell her why I'd cried so hard.
Mom just held me gently.
"Still, let's go to the hospital tomorrow. You're taking off school, right?"
"Yeah."
I spent that night with Mom. I was grateful. Because of spending it with her, I didn't lock myself away in grief. If I'd spent this night alone, I might have kept pouring out tears over what had happened earlier — blaming myself, resenting myself, spending the dark hours that way.
I was grateful. That Mom had come.
When morning came, Mom dropped me off at the hospital on her way to work. Thanks to that, I got seen the moment the doors opened and was diagnosed with the flu. Then I came back home alone.
Getting the shot left me feeling much clearer.
It had already been two days since I'd gone to school. There was definitely that class today — the one where Minjae couldn't form a group on his own. That thought came to me. He must have been keeping his distance, conscious of me.
Thinking of him still floundering alone in that class today, unable to form a group, made me feel sorry for him. Next class, I should go first, apologize, and then suggest we form a group together. Without me, Minjae would end up alone again.
And knowing that, I'd abandoned him. I was really awful. I'd known he'd struggle alone and I'd just stood by — all for that stupid pride.
I ate a simple breakfast, then took the medicine prescribed at the hospital. I put the medicine Minjae had given me on a separate shelf.
"I'm sorry."
Every time I looked at that medicine, Minjae's face came to mind. So I'd mutter things like that alone. It looked almost like I was practicing how I should apologize when I faced him.
I felt bad for how terribly I'd treated him all this time. Thinking of him suffering through those days alone, unable to tell anyone, made me upset for him. Only now was I starting to empathize with what Minjae must have felt — so I started empathizing on my own terms.
It might be a depth of grief I had no right to casually empathize with, but even so, I had to understand it now, or at least pretend to.
If I were Minjae… could I forgive me after going through something like that? Could I accept my apology?
To even gauge that, I needed to try putting myself in Minjae's place and weighing that grief and those feelings.
Minjae… it must have been so hard. You must have been so sad. But if I were Minjae, I think I would have accepted my apology. Which means the real Minjae would accept my apology too, right? Like I would?
I nodded to myself, reassuring myself that he would.
The hand I stretched out to put the medicine away and close the cabinet door trembled faintly. And I knew that came from anxiety. I grabbed the trembling hand with my other one and pulled it to my chest. Naturally, my hands came together in a clasped position. Then I closed my eyes, like someone praying.
I spoke softly.
"Just once. Just lose to me one last time."
I let out the anxiety I'd been hiding in my heart.
If you just give me one chance. Then I really won't let go this time. I've reflected a lot. I've realized a lot too. I know I was the bad one. I know I went too far. So at least give me a chance to make it up. Give me a chance to prove I've changed. We're really something precious to each other. That's what I think. So tell me you still think we're something precious too. Please.