What I Missed

After school.

I had dinner with Woo-bin at a restaurant by the school gate, and when he suggested we grab drinks afterward, I turned him down.

Truthfully, I probably could have gone today… but my body wasn't feeling right, so I refused.

I told him I wasn't feeling well — that I was just going to head home.

Woo-bin seemed to understand, and yet he also seemed a little irritated. It showed in the way he carried himself.

Maybe he was a little disappointed. Still, what could I do? I wasn't feeling well. There was nothing for it.

After that, I started walking from the front gate toward home.

The smell of grilled meat.

It smelled so good.

I'd just eaten, and still it hit me that hard — the scent pouring out of the restaurant was that intense.

Should I come back here for meat with Woo-bin next time? A lot of people seemed to go here.

With that thought, I passed the barbecue place and absently glanced inside. Maybe the smell had simply pulled me in.

And in that restaurant I looked into without thinking, I found myself face-to-face with a Minjae I barely recognized.

How could a coincidence like this even happen.

The exact moment I looked in, Minjae looked this way too.

Of all the window seats. Of all the timings.

In his hand, of all things, was a soju glass — something that didn't suit him at all.

Minjae was drinking?

The thought flashed through me, brief and sharp. And for reasons I couldn't explain, my eyes rushed to check who was pouring him drinks.

Ah…

That girl again.

Who was she to be drinking with Minjae?

Who was she to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠be sitting there drinking with him?

Who was she to be drinking the soju I still hadn't shared with him?

Who was she to put her hands on the Minjae I'd left pure and untouched?

Something felt wrong in my chest. Why did seeing Minjae with that girl keep making me feel this strange way?

I was the one closest to Minjae.

I was.

So… who was she to be sitting there next to him like that?

Do people normally drink alone together just because they're in the same club?

No… not in my world. So what was I looking at?

And why did I keep having to see things like this?

And why did a corner of my heart ache every time I did?

I don't know.

Why am I thinking like this?

Before I realized it, I'd stopped dead in place, lost in those thoughts. And Minjae kept looking at me too. The Minjae who always looked away the second our eyes met was staring straight at me.

Even that felt foreign.

Looking down at me like that, he knocked back the soju in his hand.

Ah…

I felt wretched.

It was as if Minjae were using my reaction as a side dish to wash down his drink, and it made me sick.

I thought of myself as pathetic.

So Minjae could make me feel this small.

I came home and threw my heavy body onto the bed.

My body felt heavy. A little cold, maybe.

I pulled the blanket up over myself and closed my eyes, meaning to sleep early.

But the moment I shut them, the scene from earlier kept flickering behind my lids.

You bastard.

You got so angry at me over Woo-bin… and now you're living it up?

You mess up and then act this shameless?

Who are you to make me feel this pathetic? Who are you to put me through this humiliation?

If you did something wrong, the least you could do is come running to apologize — why am I the one who has to take this?

Because of you, things with Woo-bin feel a little distant now too. You stuck your nose in where it didn't belong, and nothing feels the same anymore.

Why do you make the mistakes and I take the damage?

And now you're looking straight down at me while you drink, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠like you're defying me? Wearing that smug look like you scored a hit on me?

Minjae… don't talk back to me.

Since when could you do that to me?

You used to fold the second I got a little mad, like a kicked puppy, and do whatever I said. And that was who you were. Why are you pretending to change now?

My forehead was hot. Whether it was from the body that had been off all day, or heat rising from how angry I was at Minjae, I couldn't tell.

There was just me, seething alone.

I picked up my phone and told my friends what had happened today. Because I was irritated. I wanted to tell them right away and get some comfort. Otherwise I'd spend the whole night feeling rotten by myself.

The group chat lit up with the story in no time. The girls empathized and comforted me. Before long they were on my side, trash-talking Minjae right along with me.

See — I hadn't been overreacting today. Looking at their responses, Minjae really was in the wrong. Getting this angry, feeling this bad — it was natural. It was normal.

I'd even floated it to my friends, half-wondering if I was being too sensitive. My friends had taken Minjae's side once before. If anyone could look at this objectively, it would be them.

But sure enough, I hadn't done anything wrong. Their reactions seemed to prove it. So I could let myself be angry at Minjae without holding back.

Just like that… I bled out the day's rage.

……

That strange feeling that had stirred when I saw them earlier. That tight, aching feeling in my chest. Maybe I was getting this angry just to cover it up.

What time is it…?

I must have fallen asleep at some point, but my eyes suddenly opened. I woke to a formless unease.

It was still pitch dark, so it had to be night…

It hurts.

It hurts…

My head was splitting… Even keeping my eyes open was hard.

Medicine…

But do I have any?

I tried to sit up to look for medicine, but I couldn't get up easily. The bed I'd been tossing in was soaked. Damp. Cold sweat, pouring off my whole body. Even so, I couldn't throw off the blanket covering me.

The sweat kept coming, but my body kept feeling cold. I shivered.

I covered my forehead with one hand. It was burning. Full of heat.

As the drowsiness cleared a little, my stomach turned — I felt like I might throw up any second.

It was truly the worst. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I could even make it to a hospital like this. But if I just lay here, I thought I might actually die.

My eyes opened again. I must have fallen back asleep after that. Or ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠maybe I'd blacked out and come to — I wasn't sure.

Morning? Afternoon? Sunlight was starting to come into the room, so at least it wasn't night.

I couldn't even think about going to school. Just opening my eyes again felt like a miracle. And if there was any mercy, I felt a little better than before.

Phone… I should call.

I grabbed the phone from the bedside and called my mom.

I hung up.

I wondered if I shouldn't have called her at all. I already knew she couldn't come easily — all I'd done was make her worry for nothing.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

I just wanted to hear her voice. Living alone, getting this sick… I felt so wretched I wanted my mom.

Then I sat up again, wondering if there might be medicine somewhere in the apartment. Fortunately, I could manage that much now.

I took a first step — and crumpled straight to the floor. The world spun. I hadn't noticed it lying down, but the moment I tried to walk, the dizziness was overwhelming.

I pulled out my phone again and considered forcing the issue, calling Mom back and making her come. But I didn't. I just set the phone quietly on the bed.

"Minjae…"

The name came out of my mouth on its own. Minjae used to bring me medicine whenever I got sick. Without thinking, the memory of those times had pulled his name out of me.

But I knew perfectly well we weren't that kind of close anymore.

It hurts.

And this wasn't just physical pain from some symptom — it was my heart that hurt.

Would Woo-bin come if I told him I was sick…? Would he show up with medicine the way Minjae used to?

Honestly, I wasn't sure. But on the off chance, I called him anyway.

I hadn't even hung up first — Woo-bin cut the call like someone with somewhere urgent to be. From the noise on the other end, it sounded like he was out with people.

Maybe because I hadn't expected much from the start, his reaction just… sat there. Flat. I'd figured as much.

I dragged myself back onto the bed with difficulty. Looking for medicine still seemed beyond me. I figured I'd just lie down and sleep some more.

Honestly. Truly, honestly.

I knew it was rotten of me to think this.

But I wanted Minjae. I wanted to see Minjae.

Yesterday I'd cursed him out like that, and now here I was reaching for him again — I knew how shameless that made me. But it was how I honestly felt.

Because when I got this sick, Minjae was the one who came for me.

How many more hours passed?

I seemed to keep falling into short stretches of sleep and waking again. Every time my eyes opened, the same unpleasant pain was still there. My head throbbed and rang, and I had no strength left — maybe because I hadn't eaten a single meal. Even so, I didn't feel hungry. If anything, I only felt that if I put anything in my stomach, I'd throw it straight back up.

Ding-dong—!

The doorbell tore through the apartment. The sound startled me. That loud, blaring chime was unbearable — it made my head pound harder, and I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for it to stop.

When the ringing finally died, my phone started going off instead.

Mom.

At that, I forced myself to my feet. My head still spun, but hearing Mom's voice somehow let me push through.

I grabbed the front door handle and turned it. On the floor sat a packaged order of porridge. And on top of it, a bag dropped with a soft thud.

I picked up the bag with one hand.

It was a bag of medicine.

What…? Had Woo-bin left this? Had he said one thing on the phone and then snuck over to drop it off?

The thought crossed my mind for a second. But I already knew Woo-bin didn't even know where I lived. The idea was ridiculous. I'd never told him. Of course he wouldn't know. There was no way Woo-bin could have quietly left medicine at my door.

Then who?

The person who came to mind was obvious — but I asked as if I had no idea.

I hung up.

From that moment on, I didn't say a word. I walked back to my room holding Mom's porridge and the bag of medicine Minjae had bought for me, gripping both tight.

It hurts.

I should eat the porridge and take the medicine right away.

But… the pain tormenting me right now felt like the kind no medicine could cure.