Jeong Soyeon
"What is seen is light. What is felt is pain. What is heard is a sorrowful cry. What is thought... is her."
"...Mom."
Mother, who had been praying with my hand clasped in hers, startles and stops crying.
"Aigoo, aigoo... Jihyun-ah... Nurse! Someone call the doctor, quickly!"
"...I'm sorry."
"It's all right. Mom's fine. Don't talk, just stay still. Just rest, all right?"
The doctor rushes in with nurses. His familiar face helps me realize where I am. He barks orders at the nurses, but I can't make out a single word. They fuss over the strange tubes, machines, and devices attached to my body.
"Mr. Jihyun, we're so relieved you've regained consciousness. Right now, rest is the priority. Please try not to move and just stay calm. If you'd arrived at the ER any later, it could have been dangerous. I'm glad I warned you last time we met."
...Noona.
After waking, my body began its slow recovery. Yet it stubbornly replayed every vivid agony. The tearing pain in my stomach, convulsions, high fever, the stabbing sensation of a knife again and again, the blows, the sickening crack of teeth breaking, the melting wrist and the thick taste of death. I endured them all once more from the hospital bed, and still my body began to mend.
Mother asked me nothing. But worry and pain showed plainly on her face. I don't know how to describe the pain she must feel. What emotions had she endured, loving me so fiercely? What thoughts had filled her mind? The quiet sound of her swallowing tears beside me pierced my chest no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.
Once my condition stabilized, Jimin came to visit. The first time, her young face crumpled as she apologized over and over through tears. Now she sits beside me again, bright and cheerful, singing softly. I worry that she seems unconcerned about her studies even though she's in her final year of high school, but she insists she's studying harder than usual just to see me, so I try not to dwell on it. Still, I told her coming every day was too much of a burden, so now she visits every other day. Even that feels excessive.
"Oppa, are you feeling better today?"
"A little better than yesterday."
"Then have one today, too."
She always brings a small piece of chocolate. When I let it rest on my tongue, the deep, bitter cocoa fills my mouth. Tasting that bitterness, I can escape my gloom for a moment.
"...Oppa, is it really okay if I keep coming like this?"
Jimin asks quietly from beside me as I savor the chocolate, her true feelings slipping out.
"I... did such awful things to you..."
"If you know you were wrong, you should ask for forgiveness. Just bring me more chocolate until I'm discharged."
The girl lowers her head, unwilling to let me see her expression. I don't press her to show it. She must have her reasons.
"...Dad says he's sorry too."
"I see."
"He said he'll come visit soon."
"Is that so."
"We don't fight anymore."
"That's good."
"We'll pay for all your hospital bills."
"Mom already told me."
"...I'm sorry."
"...It's fine."
Knock, knock, knock. The door opens.
"Sunbae! What on earth happened..."
A voice I haven't heard in a long time—Han Jieun. Jimin startles and stares at her.
"...Who are you?"
"Oh, are you Sunbae's little sister? Hi! I'm Han Jieun, we go to school together."
She thrusts out her hand for a handshake without hesitation. I admire how consistent she always is. I can already imagine the look on Jimin's face.
"Jimin-ah, are you two going to fight again?"
"Ah, no... I just..."
Jieun sits down right beside Jimin.
"Why are you sitting next to me..."
"Anyway, Sunbae, I'm so glad. You're recovering well now, right? We were all so worried when you stopped answering calls and missed the meetings. We had no idea something like this had happened."
"...Did you hear what happened?"
"Ah, well... yes..."
"Then that's enough."
"Why are you sitting next to me? There are plenty of other seats."
The news has already spread at school. Time will pass and people will act as if nothing happened, so I don't worry too much. Besides, discharge is still far off. I can probably take a year off and return quietly. I'll go back and keep my head down.
"Sunbae, it wasn't your fault. That..."
"It's fine. I know what you're going to say without you saying it."
Every time someone tries to comfort me about what I went through, my chest aches. I understand their intentions, but their words only remind me again that I've become the protagonist of a tragic story. And... I'm worried about Noona.
"Jihyun-ssi, are you feeling better now?"
"Yes. I think I can manage this much."
"Good, good. I'm so relieved. I was terrified when I heard my promising junior had gotten into serious trouble."
Director Choi sets the box he's carrying down in the corner.
"I'll leave this here. If you can't sleep at night, drink some and get some proper rest. It works like a charm."
"Thank you. I don't have much else to do except sleep, so nights are when I can't fall asleep at all."
"I knew it! See, I told you. Yerin's always calling me an old fogey for things like this. She says it drives her crazy how much I worry."
"...Director."
"Hm?"
"Can a therapist and a client never be together?"
He looks at me steadily.
"...Did this experience not give you a satisfactory answer?"
"If anything, I understand even less. Everyone in modern society carries their own wounds. I just want to heal the wounds I see. So why does it become a tragedy when the treatment is love?"
He slowly approaches and sits beside me. The cheerful, loud, playful, warm uncle I know has vanished completely. His gaze is different now.
"Jihyun-ssi, people don't even truly understand what love is. Everyone carries a different definition of it. The 'love' that girl held was different from the 'love' you believe in. Even your 'love'—is it treatment? The desire to save someone ends up holding them back, and your inability to leave only provokes them further."
"Is that so."
"Yes. I've known it since the first time I saw you. You'll make an excellent counselor, but that fragility of yours will eventually trip you up. There must be distance between counselor and client. The moment you become deeply involved in a client's life, they will see you as more than a counselor."
"Is that so."
"It's common for clients to develop romantic feelings toward their counselor. There are countless cases. But a counselor must never fall in love with them. You can embrace and accept every story they bring, love them sincerely, and still never cross that line."
"...Why do clients become drawn to their counselors?"
"Because they help. People come in exhausted and hurting, and for the first time they feel truly accepted."
...Noona once said something similar.
"Then should I push them away?"
"That's the rule."
"Even if they want me?"
"If you break the rules, both sides will regret it."
"...I understand."
"You'll have to accept that part, Jihyun-ssi. Some of my colleagues married clients. Every single one of them divorced and left the field."
"Why does that happen?"
"Because the counselor wants the client to change and heal, while the client wants the counselor to stay by their side."
"Aren't both beautiful wishes?"
"But neither can ever be fully satisfied. The client never changes as much as the counselor hopes, and the counselor never stays as much as the client wants."
"Have you experienced that yourself?"
"...I have."
"Would it be all right to ask how it ended?"
"She committed suicide."
"..."
"Don't dwell on it. I was going to tell you anyway."
"Why do counselors even exist?"
"Because there's demand. What else?"
"Do you think I'm suited to be a counselor?"
"Of course! You have the power to change people."
"But it seems I only change them for the worse."
"No. You didn't change them. They were people who had been hiding everything away, and meeting you simply let them express it fully."
"Then it's my fault for failing to stop it."
"No. You were just terribly unlucky."
"...Is that it?"
"That's all it was. And in the end, you were lucky enough to survive. That's what matters."
"I'm sorry for sounding so weak."
"Don't worry about it. You're still in training."
"Someday... would it be all right to return to your clinic?"
"What are you saying, Mr. Kim? Once you're better, you have to come back right away!"
"...Thank you."
"I'm joking! If you want to quit counseling or don't want to come back, then don't. I'm not the type to force anyone. Do whatever feels right for you."
"No. I'll be there soon."
"I'll be counting on you from now on, too."