The Bell Tolls
"Jihyun."
"Hmm... no strength left to answer? Or maybe you can't hear me properly? Whatever. Just keep listening, okay?"
"Even for me, hitting you like this doesn't feel good... you know that, right? You know how much your big sister loves you."
"I'm doing this because I love you... I really am..."
"Now forget about all those other girls and live only with me. Got it?"
"I'll earn plenty of money for us. Don't worry about a thing."
"Just stay home and rest. There's no need for you to go anywhere."
"Think about it. How happy we'll be, just the two of us... right?"
"All you have to do is relax at home. I'll take care of everything else."
"Living happily together, just the two of us, in perfect harmony... wouldn't that be wonderful!"
"We'll have a son who looks like you and a daughter who looks like me, and we'll all live happily ever after."
"With such a happy future waiting for us, how could we possibly break up? Let's start over with fresh hearts, beginning today. Yes, that's what we'll do."
"I really can't live without you anymore... and it's the same for you, isn't it?"
"Well, even if you say it isn't, you'll end up unable to live without me anyway. Yeah..."
Soyeon tied the blindfold back over my eyes.
"No need to gag your mouth. You're staying nice and quiet."
My sense of reality began to slip away, bit by bit.
My brain, unable to endure the pain, decided it was impossible to fully register it all. It chose to treat the agony as something unrelated to me, as if I were observing myself from a third-person perspective.
It felt like watching someone else play a grotesque, miserable game. Not the kind that would ever become popular.
But every time I tried to think that way, the pain would yank me back, warning me that this was my pain, that if I kept ignoring it, something terrible would happen. It forced me to snap back to awareness.
I didn't want to die yet. But living like this, constantly suffering, might be worse than death.
Soyeon continued her relentless experiments.
Ding~
A fist that felt like it was piercing straight through my organs, followed by a dog-like agony blooming from the center of my stomach.
Ding~
Fuck... this...
Ding~
Ding~
Ding~
"Jihyun, are you okay?"
"Ah... I'll let you rest a little!"
"Whoa! You almost fell... Come on, put some strength into it."
"You're such a baby. Fine! I'll carry you."
"Okay, just one hour of rest. Understand?"
...
Soyeon... left the room.
There wasn't a single part of my body that could move properly. Even when I tried to will myself to move, all I got was a slight twitch and a fresh wave of pain.
There was no way I could escape like this. This was the end.
...I thought of Mom. She'd be devastated if she came back from her trip and saw me like this. I didn't want to ruin her happy reunion with Dad like that...
I thought of Jimin. I'd promised to counsel her on Monday... If I left her like this, she'd only struggle more... But there was nothing I could do.
I had no idea what to do anymore. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just live with Soyeon like this.
...
Soyeon came back. She seemed to be looking down at me where I lay on the bed. I couldn't see clearly. I wasn't sure if it was temporary blindness from the extreme stress or if my eyes had simply given out from all the blows to my head.
"Jihyun, does it hurt a lot...?"
She stroked me gently.
"Okay. Then let's skip any more experiments that involve using your body. Sound good?"
That was a relief, at least. I prayed my body would regain its senses soon. I needed to recover while I had the chance.
"So what should we do instead...? Let me think."
I felt her sit down beside my head.
"Oh! I know, my sweet baby..."
She kissed my forehead.
"First, get plenty of rest."
"That way we can start again soon."
Time passed.
I lay there motionless, simply accepting whatever she fed me and breathing. Whenever the insane pain hit and my body convulsed, Soyeon would come and nurse me with endlessly gentle hands.
Thanks to her... or rather, because of her, I was slowly recovering.
She knew it too. She knew that even if I recovered little by little, I wouldn't be able to run away. My body was already broken beyond repair. All she had to do was catch up and drag me back in.
How could I escape this situation? How...
No. There was no answer except death. I couldn't see any hope.
I just had to lie here quietly and do whatever she told me to do.
...
Death...
I stayed perfectly still, recovering enough to be able to move even for a brief moment. And I prayed that Mom hadn't flipped over my mattress while I was away in the military.
"Jihyun, you're feeling a lot better now, aren't you?"
After days of her devoted care, my body had recovered considerably. Well, enough to speak a few words and move slightly.
"Alright. Then let's begin again! I'll explain, so listen carefully, okay?"
"Remember Skinner? I modified one of the experiments that man conducted."
"From now on, food, water, even using the bathroom, everything will be treated as a single 'reward.' To earn that 'reward,' you have to prove how much you love me."
A prominent American psychologist and behaviorist famous for his unique and fascinating experiments. Behaviorism focuses on the observation and prediction of human behavior to explain psychological phenomena. Skinner left behind numerous research records involving animals—records some might call psychopathic. The name of his most famous experimental apparatus is the Skinner Box.
An animal is placed inside. Specific behaviors are met with either punishment (electric shock) or reward (food, etc.). By properly utilizing these two elements, the animal inside the box is conditioned to perform the desired behavior.
One of his representative experiments comes to mind. The Skinner Box usually contained a lever the animal could manipulate. Pulling or operating the lever would deliver some kind of reward.
The lever given to me now was the emotion of love and its expression.
The punishment I would receive was...
"I'm trying to keep the punishment part similar! This is my first time using it too, but they say it hurts a lot when you get hit."
A flash of light sparked across the black device in Soyeon's hand. The sharp tick tick sound naturally made me imagine what kind of pain it would bring.
"Still, our Jihyun is much smarter than the hamsters and pigeons Skinner experimented on, so we probably won't need to use this, right?"
I nodded my head slowly.
"But now that I think about it, to build a proper fear of punishment, you need to experience the punishment first, don't you? So..."
ZZZZZZZZT—
...Consciousness returned.
"How was it? Did it hurt a lot...? I was so worried."
Soyeon pulled me into her arms.
"Did I use it for too long...? I should use it in shorter bursts. If you pass out, the punishment effect weakens, and it could be dangerous..."
"I'm sorry, Jihyun... From now on, I'll be careful not to use this. Okay?"
She wiped away the drool that had spilled from my mouth.
...I nodded slowly.
"Can you speak?"
"...Yeah."
"Good. Then let's start right away! Oh... did I forget to explain the punishment criteria?"
Soyeon turned the stun gun back on.
"Every five minutes, if you don't tell me you love me, you'll be punished. Even if I don't feel like you mean it, you'll still be punished. Understand?"
"...Yes."
"I'll set the stopwatch! You can relax while you do it. You need to get better quickly."
She helped me back onto the bed.
"...I love you."
Soyeon smiled.
"I love you too."
"Noona, I really love you."
"I really love you too."
"I love you."
"Me too."
I whispered that I loved her hundreds—no, thousands—of times.
"Noona, I really love you... I truly do..."
"Yeah... me too..."
She fed me spoonfuls of porridge. My stomach seemed broken; I couldn't even digest it properly. Still, I ate every bite.
My body was recovering little by little. I could clench my fist now. I could even sit up on my own.
Soyeon stayed by my side at all times, gazing at me with tender eyes. She was waiting for me to recover. Waiting so she could mix her body with mine once more.
"Noona, I'll be able to move soon. Just wait a little longer. I love you."
"Yeah, that's right! I love you."
"I love you too."
She gently stroked my stomach. She must have been holding herself back a lot.
"Noona, I love you."
"I love you too, Jihyun."
Now, as long as I endured the pain, I could hold myself upright.
"I really love you."
"I really love you too."
Enough.
"Noona, since I really love you, I'll tell you an old story."
"An old story?"
"Even Mom doesn't know. None of my close friends know. Only I know."
"What is it?"
"When I was in middle school, some kids had it out for me. It was pretty rough."
"..."
"They'd hit me, tease me. My things would disappear. My books were torn. My pencil case was always thrown onto my desk right after class."
"...Jihyun."
"They'd always take my glasses and leave them in the next classroom. I was still pretty short back then. If they put them on top of the blackboard in the next room, I couldn't reach them."
"..."
"When I ate, they'd mix everything on my tray into the soup and say it would taste better that way. On the way home, someone would always hide my bag, so I'd spend hours looking for it."
"Jihyun, it's okay. I'm here with you now, right? Those kinds of kids won't ever come near you again."
"Yeah... I love you, Noona."
"That's right, Jihyun. I love you..."
"There's still a bit more to the story. Even while living like that, there was one girl who helped me barely get through each day."
"...Really?"
"I liked her so much. I endured it every day just so I could see her... But when graduation finally came and I had the chance, I couldn't take it."
"...Yeah, that's a relief."
"After that, when I couldn't even tell her how I felt, I thought about dying so many times. But I'm okay now. I have you, Noona."
"Yeah, that's right... right? I love you."
"I love you too."
"I love you, Noona. Thank you for approaching me first. Thank you for loving me. I love you."
"Yeah... Jihyun, let's forget all of that now. Thank you for telling me... I love you."
I pushed myself up. Soyeon wrapped her arms around me warmly and helped me stand. But the moment I was on my feet, I collapsed.
"Ah...! Are you okay?"
The ceiling came into view. I slipped my left hand under the bed.
Soyeon tried to lift me again as I lay on the floor.
"I'm fine. I'll get up myself. I don't want to worry you, Noona."
I stood up slowly. It hurt, but it was okay. I could stand.
"Anyway, Noona... I'll say it again. I really love you."
"Yeah, I love you too."
"No matter how much you hit me or torment me, I love you. I must be crazy too. That feeling and memory of loving you won't let me hate you."
Or maybe I'd already been brainwashed.
"Yeah... even if you cheated on me, I still end up loving you in the end. We really are perfect for each other, aren't we?"
"Yeah, Noona... Remember that girl I mentioned earlier? She ended up losing to you."
"Yeah, because I'm the one by your side now."
"No, that's not what I mean."
"Then what?"
"She couldn't kill me in the end."
"Huh?"
With the cutter knife in my left hand, I slashed my wrist.
"Ky... KYAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Soyeon panicked and snatched the cutter knife from my hand.
"It's too late. I cut deep..."
"No, no, no...! This can't be happening...."
I could vividly feel the blood pouring from my wrist. The source of my life was draining away through that opening.
"Noona, there are only two choices... Call 119 right now, or let me die."
Her expression was crystal clear. The proud, beautiful Soyeon had tears glistening in her eyes from fear and panic as she tried to staunch the blood flowing from my wrist.
"With this much bleeding, even with emergency first aid, I won't survive if I don't get to a hospital. I thought about cutting myself while thinking of that girl so many times, but this is the first time I've actually done it. Not many people get it right on the first try..."
"No, no... NO!! NO!!!!"
"Mom doesn't know. I hid one cutter knife under the bed. My friends don't know either. I only told you, Noona."
My consciousness was fading.
"Noona, I love you. You know that... right?"