Even Hannibal Folds After One Hand: Cao Cao's Hospitality
I knew a few anecdotes about how Cao Cao treated envoys.
He'd drag along a cauldron of boiling oil bubbling away and threaten to dunk anyone who spouted nonsense, or hit them with lines like, "Don't wanna surrender? Then bring it on." Total badass self-assertion vibes.
Of course, that didn't make the guy a total asshole.
He was someone you could actually reason with.
Cao Cao was this big, solid hexagon of a man—no sharp edges, but ridiculously versatile. His one flaw? He's an efficiency freak. It was absurd, but that's exactly why I figured he was reasonable.
Before coming here, I'd gotten a whisper from our spies: Han Su had raised an army. Cao Cao's forces were led by Cao Ang as total commander, with Sima Yi as advisor. Holy shit.
"The Prime Minister awaits."
"Got it!"
I handed over Zhang Liao's custody with a friendly wave. Next time we meet, I'll buy him a meal or something.
"Everyone else, wait here. The young lady must enter alone."
Ran into opposition right away. Tempers were flaring like a fight was about to break out, so I waved my arms to calm them down.
Still riled up, so I threw in some jumps to settle them.
They weren't calming. I started feeling like an idiot and got a bit pissed.
"I'm not saying it twice. If he wants me alone, I'll go alone. Wait here."
Once I snapped, they got the message. Guess people know it's scary when someone who never loses their cool finally does.
There was a reason I was cool with going in solo.
Thinking from his perspective, I didn't figure Cao Cao had bad intentions.
If I were in his shoes, I'd have rounded up Zhao Yun, my guards, my dad—everyone—and wiped them out in one shot.
"Then I'll be off."
Following the man's lead, I entered the camp.
No clue where he was taking me. Cao Cao's tent was huge, soldiers everywhere.
A total maze. After a few minutes, we reached the grandest, most imposing tent.
I'd been mentally prepping for some medieval dungeon vibe stinking of horse shit, practicing my grovels. But what actually unfolded was nothing like I'd imagined. I straight-up blanked for three seconds.
"At last, our esteemed guest arrives! Sit!"
I glanced around and took my seat at what seemed like Cao Cao's banquet setup.
Seeing the lavish spread reminded me of that time a few weeks back in Wu, where I'd gotten royally screwed over.
Déjà vu central.
One difference: everyone sat ramrod straight like they were in formation. Super awkward.
Oh, Guo Jia.
Honestly, familiar face—nice to see him. We'd whispered back and forth a year ago as spies.
But I couldn't just play it casual like, "Hey, what's up lately?" Not when I only had one life and wasn't a cat. Kept my mouth shut, pretended not to know him, looked away.
Wait, aren't we still at war?
Thinking about war made me paranoid—assassins behind the screens, maybe? This could be my Last Supper.
"What are you all doing? Eat!"
Cao Cao boomed it out. Next to him loomed a massive bald brute who looked like a UFC champ.
Slap a jiu-jitsu black belt on that guy, and he'd be a human weapon ruling the world. But he just sat quiet; turns out his name's Dian Wei.
The world was seriously fucked up.
Wanted to blurt out, "How the hell are you still alive?" But Cao Cao suddenly eyed me.
"Long journey—well done."
He raised his cup; I followed suit quick.
Wait... I didn't come here to indulge in luxury.
"Come! Here, forget formality—chat freely!"
Nobody chatted freely.
Cao Cao droned on with some prayer-like toast wishing peace or whatever. Honestly, couldn't follow it. His tempo was too fast; words just bounced off my ears.
Bet the toast was killer. I wanted to cut to the chase, so thunk!—slammed my cup down.
"But what's the meaning of this?"
...Huh?
I'd beaten Cao Cao to setting my cup down, and it pulled total aggro—like a max-level paladin's taunt. Every eye locked on me; I wanted to bury my face in the floor from embarrassment.
"In a rush, eh? No need to be so impatient. Treating envoys with utmost hospitality is the proper way—that's what I'm doing."
Cao Cao showed consideration, so the ones itching to roast me coughed politely and played nice. Weaklings, bending to the strong.
"Ah... thank you."
Top dog showed mercy; time to try the food.
No more cold cat kibble for this stray.
Poison? Nah, they'd use blades over pricey toxin.
Brought the cup to my lips.
Ptooey—!
One sip, and I spat it out spectacularly.
Ah...
Of course, no poison. Never tasted it, but this was poison-level nasty.
"Sorry. Doesn't suit my taste..."
Everyone glared like I'd lost my mind.
Should I raise my hand like, "I'll clean it!"? Felt kinda wronged, though.
This is booze.
We're on the verge of life-or-death talks, and they're serving alcohol? Doesn't make sense.
"What doesn't suit the advisor's palate?"
Cao Cao shot me a sharp, piercing look.
How to describe this? Worse than "oh shit."
"One step from the grave"?
"It... went down wrong. Sorry. I don't drink, so I mistook it."
Cao Cao's eyes flashed at my words.
"Guards! Who placed alcohol at this crucial gathering? Execute the fool as an example!"
"...Yes, sir!"
The attendant bolted faster than anyone; the banquet froze solid.
Cao Cao orders a death, then grins like a pal.
"I've punished harshly—hope that eases your mind. We'll reset the table; bear with us."
"No need."
"Very well. Then I'll ban alcohol here—clear it all."
Felt like Cao Cao was pinning my etiquette fail on the attendant.
History showed him dumping blame on quartermasters too; guy's skill hadn't rusted.
"Chopping one head won't satisfy me."
"Oh? Then teach this Cao Cao how to punish properly."
I'd pushed boundaries, but he bit right in.
Thought he was a pro at takedowns from stories, but you gotta meet 'em to know. Turns out he's game.
Fuck it, went for it.
"Whoever served this table guessed wrong at the Prime Minister's intent. How dare they bring such fierce liquor to a diplomatic feast? If I'd known I'd drink, they'd have served fine vintage to get me smashed."
"So that's your grievance—the liquor ill-fit the occasion. Not something a mere beheading fixes."
"Exactly—make it an example."
Cao Cao burst out laughing.
"This ignorant Cao Cao committed a grave error. Now, what was it? How shall I address you?"
"Military Strategist General's Aide, Secretary General, his daughter, and Soyang Prefect Chen Soyoung."
"Then, Prefect Chen it is. How would Prefect Chen punish such insolence?"
Testing me.
This whole setup was abnormal to begin with. Why? Why lay out all this delicious spread and booze?
My script was kneeling on cold stone, begging, "Mercy, Prime Minister!" and scrambling to soothe his rage.
"Sigh... punish how?"
Not gonna act childish like a kid.
Then take the punishment you suggested yourself.
No room for that dodge.
"Don't toy—teach me properly. Settle this, then let's speak freely."
Cao Cao pressed.
Damn human psychology—worrying about pettiness. Cao Cao seemed surprisingly small-minded. Name's "Chwi" after all.
"Reward them."
"A reward? How'd you reach that?"
No bullshit about grand principles, loyalty, righteousness, propriety.
Fellow efficiency freaks might get it. Today's vibe: efficiency mode.
"Even if personnel selection failed, I don't punish. It's my failure to gauge people—not theirs."
Banquet iced over harder.
"Are you likening my vessel too small, Prefect Chen?"
"No. But ruling even trifles with severity is endlessly taxing. Micromanaging minutiae is peak inefficiency—that's why I spoke."
"Kh. Ha ha ha!"
Cao Cao laughed.
Lot of laughers around me.
Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang, Guan Yu... all chuckleboxes. Guess Cao Cao finds me funny too.
"Do you grasp the situation, Prefect Chen? How dare you speak so bluntly?"
I chuckled awkwardly too—kuh ha ha style, since I'm no laugher. More like "aha ha..."
"Ha ha... If it's speak and die or silent death, better speak, right? I trekked far for this. Grateful for your consideration, but we're not here to eat and drink, are we?"
"Then let's discuss state affairs."
Cao Cao bellowed.
"Everyone, withdraw!!"
Wished I could yell "Yes, Prime Minister! Retreating!" and bail. Envied the exiters.
Cao Cao could kill with a finger, but weirdly, no fear vibe.
Didn't cower or shrivel at the private meet, so I was ice-cold... totally rational.
Brain firing on all cylinders.
Once alone, the surprisingly sweet Cao Cao settled in the head seat, voice soft.
"Speak, then. Risked your neck coming here—what's your message?"
Content didn't match the gentle tone.
Private audience—no holds barred.
"I consider myself already dead, so I'll speak plainly."
Bowed minimally for courtesy, then dove in.
...First, though.
"But how'd you withdraw such a massive army?"
Just had to ask.
Reason for pulling back?
"You have a guess, Prefect Chen."
Sighed. Yeah, I did.
"May I ask if supplies hit a snag...?"
Cao Cao laughed heartily.
"The culprit herself comes calling—that's why the lavish welcome. Well? I'll take you as concubine; shall we conquer the realm together?"
?????
Offer so generous my head heated up—wanted to slug him.
"Our age gap's over thirty years, you know."