Get Used to It (5)
"Then... Nuna."
"..."
"Can I do what I want to do?"
Hmph. Right. Spill every filthy desire you’ve got. Don’t pretend to be pure—prove that everything I want to do right now is something you want too. Even if you keep acting like it’s not, you’ll be exposed before long.
Keeping his hand pressed to my chest, I nodded, and Kang Juhyuk’s eyes came alive.
He swallowed, his mouth opening and closing without a word, his gaze flickering back and forth, his breathing growing rough. Even if you pretend otherwise, it all shows. What, do you really think I’d just fall for sex instinct when I haven’t even built up a proper appetite yet...?
Kang Juhyuk took his hand off my chest and reached for my hand instead.
It was firm. Warm, too. Unlike the way he’d grabbed me in a rush earlier, this time he held my hand with surprising gentleness and, with his other hand, softly brushed the back of it.
"Your hand is soft, Eunha Nuna..."
"Do you have a hand fetish?"
"Maybe... I’ve never really thought about it. It’s just a small, cute hand."
"Gross."
My hand really had become small in this body.
I was only a little over 160 centimeters tall, so it wasn’t as if I were absurdly tiny.
By that logic, my hands shouldn’t have been especially small either.
But Kang Juhyuk was nearly 180 centimeters... and while he wasn’t huge, he wasn’t small, either.
Just like the difference between a man and a woman, our hands were different sizes.
There was almost a full knuckle’s worth of difference, and only now did I realize how small my hand really was.
No, I’d known it had gotten smaller. I just hadn’t felt it this keenly.
"Compared to Nuna’s hand, mine looks filthy."
"How so?"
"It’s dark, the nails are split, the skin’s cracked all over, and it’s rough..."
"That’s normal. What, do you think a hunter’s hands are supposed to look like something else?"
A body shaped by an Otherworldly being. A body newly born.
A body protected by Blessing stayed in that freshly made, almost childlike state almost permanently.
In the end, we were both hunters, which basically meant hard-labor work. We weren’t mages. What was there to talk about, when it came to hands?
Without answering, Kang Juhyuk kept stroking my hand, then naturally slipped the fingers of his right hand between the fingers of my left.
Interlaced fingers. Had we ever held hands like this before? ...Maybe when we first had sex, the time that felt almost like being raped.
It was a weak grip. A weak hunter’s hand that I could have shaken off whenever I wanted.
And yet it was strong, solid. Kang Juhyuk’s fingers locked into mine and seemed to radiate warmth.
It felt strange.
Something about it felt... strange. I didn’t hate it enough to call it hate, and I couldn’t exactly call it good either, because the feeling itself was just weird.
My heart was racing.
Probably because of desire.
"Nuna, I want to hold your other hand too..."
"...Ah, okay."
Hands were no big deal.
I slowly lifted my right hand toward Kang Juhyuk, and he extended his left hand in return.
Before long, our other hands were interlaced too.
Both of us held each other’s hands with both of our own, fingers threaded together.
We were sitting on the edge of a bed, side by side.
Our torsos were turned toward one another.
For some reason we couldn’t quite align our faces, so when I looked straight ahead... I saw Kang Juhyuk’s neck.
The line of his throat, his Adam’s apple... his collarbones, the hard body descending into his chest.
A man’s body. Built through hardship, trained into shape. Not a soft body, but one filled with muscle... lean, tough muscle.
Well, he hadn’t taken anything and he couldn’t exactly live on exercise alone, so it wasn’t some astounding physique.
Still, it was decent enough.
I should have found it disgusting, but because of the body’s instincts...
It was, maybe, a little sexy.
No. I mean, that had nothing to do with my will.
I closed my eyes and turned my head away.
Calm down. This is the body’s problem.
"Nuna. I want to see your face."
"..."
But Kang Juhyuk wouldn’t allow it.
My eyes shut, my head turned aside... I was enduring the rising hunger, ignoring the feel of our hands locked together, the solid warmth of his fingers.
As if he wanted to make me say the words I want to have sex myself, all while hiding his own desire so well.
What a slimy bastard...
With some difficulty, I lifted my head and turned toward him.
Then I slowly opened the eyes I’d closed.
As my eyelids rose and the light came in, Kang Juhyuk’s face came into view.
A tense expression, a faint flush. Idiot. His hair was set the way I’d shown him when I came over—right, not just some hastily washed and half-dried mess. A face that couldn’t keep still because it was nervous.
Our eyes met. Not at each other’s mouths, but straight into one another’s pupils.
In his black eyes, I could see myself.
My enhanced senses, granted by Blessing, showed my own face as clearly as a mirror.
Damn it. I was blushing a little too. My skin was flushed, as if I were embarrassed.
As if... not that I was. But it would look that way.
"You’re pretty."
"Ngh."
Really.
Don’t react, I wanted to say...
My body was too easy.
Whether I liked it or not.
Hearing things like that made me wet.
It was irritating.
"Your eyes are red. That... what was it? The kind of thing people call a jewel, I think... and your skin is flawless, too. What do they call that again? Jade?"
"You... if you’re going to make a comparison, at least don’t say such weird things."
"...You’re pretty. Your eyes, your skin. Your nose, your lips. Your eyelids, your eyebrows... you’re pretty."
"Don’t say things like that either..."
I was about to say, because it was gross.
But it wasn’t actually gross.
It should have been gross, but because of the body’s response I just couldn’t feel that way, and that was that.
Don’t get lovey-dovey on me. This isn’t what this is between us.
The whole reason I was doing this was to make sure he understood that whatever he thought was romance was really just lust.
Just say you want to have sex.
Then I’ll spread my legs, and you can do what you always do and leave.
Don’t waste time.
Just be honest.
"I want to kiss you."
"W-what."
"A kiss. I want Nuna to kiss me."
"K-kiss?"
Kiss?!
Fuck.
Don’t say something disgusting like that.
Why would I lean in and touch lips with a man...?
Seriously. I was already doing plenty of disgusting things.
Still, bringing mouths together, eyes to eyes... getting that close was too much, too much.
That wasn’t even related to lust... probably!
"But I don’t want it right now."
"What do you mean?"
"Something like that... not as some sort of contest, or to win, or to force it. I want a kiss because Nuna really wants to kiss me."
"That’s not going to happen."
"Maybe not. It’s just a wish."
Sex was something you did because you had to.
But kissing had nothing to do with that.
Kissing only meant something when you actually wanted it.
If it wasn’t that, then it was meaningless.
As he said that, Kang Juhyuk pushed against our interlaced hands and slowly pressed me back.
Before long, I was being eased down onto the bed.
Kang Juhyuk’s scent, the smell of air freshener, stabbed at my nose. I could see him above me.
Right. You’re going to do it, aren’t you? You want to, after all. Admit you lost. If you’re honest, I’ll let you have me.
So admit it. Admit that what I want right now is because you want it too.
But Kang Juhyuk didn’t climb on top of me.
Still holding my hand, he simply lay down beside me.
And naturally, I lay down on my side too, because he was still holding on to me.
With our fingers still laced, we lay on one bed.
We just looked at each other.
Even though the bastard had his cock standing up.
"Nuna."
"What?"
"You said you were recently cursed, right?"
"Yeah. That’s why I’m stuck doing this with you."
"How were you living before that?"
What the hell, all of a sudden?
"What is it now? You want to know who I was doing this with, who I was fucking? That kind of thing?"
"Well... I am curious about that, but I decided to believe what Nuna said last time."
"Which was?"
"That you said I was your first. I’m just going to believe everything was your first."
"You’re full of shit. If a slut came up to you and said, ‘I’m a virgin,’ you’d believe her too?"
"You told me to think however I wanted."
That I had.
It was true, but still.
Even so, there were limits.
What, did he think he could breastfeed me, blow him until he came in my mouth, get good at frotting, and then what?
No... of course, sex with a woman was my first time. Everything was my first time.
Is this guy really an idiot?
"So you don’t need to tell me about that part. If you don’t say anything, I’ll just assume it was your first."
"That’s bullshit... You go around acting like every little thing was made by an ex-boyfriend, then the moment I ask you to do it only for me, you suddenly act all relaxed? Disgusting."
"It’s not like I don’t care... It’s just that what’s happening now matters more than what happened before."
"I’m not that relaxed," Kang Juhyuk added quietly.
That was true. The moment he saw the guy next door staring a little, he dragged me straight inside.
Possessiveness... honestly, it was kind of ridiculous. I’m not even your lover. What kind of possessiveness do you have over a sex partner?
Well, I supposed that’s how it had to be.
"I just... want to know how Nuna has lived. You probably aren’t all that curious about me, so I thought I’d ask."
"You really do as you please... You’re just stalling like this because you’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you?"
"I’m not going to do it..."
"You want to, though..."
"That... no, don’t steer it like this. That’s cheating."
As he said that, Kang Juhyuk let go of our interlaced fingers. Then he stretched both arms out toward me.
Right. This was the start. You were going to start, weren’t you?
My chest. My clothes stripped off... and then.
Hugging.
Lying there, Kang Juhyuk pulled me into his arms.
Not after sex, when we were both naked and holding each other.
We were fully dressed, simply embracing.
One arm cradled my head, the other wrapped around my back.
My chest kept us from fitting together completely, but even so...
As much as possible, not too tightly—just soft.
As close as he could get.
My face buried itself against his chest.
It was a firm chest.
Different from mine. I used to be like this too, but not anymore.
My heart was pounding.
The beat thudded against my ear as it flowed through me.
Kang Juhyuk’s heartbeat. Or was it mine? I couldn’t tell. I could hear both at once.
Maybe it was both.
A fierce beat... racing far too fast.
The sound of a nervous heart.
It resonated with mine, as if the two were answering each other.
...My heart was something my body did on its own, so it had nothing to do with my feelings.
Still.
Ngh.
Held in someone’s arms.
Embraced like this... so warmly.
This was strange.
Stuff like this was strange.
I hate it. Being held like this, this is... weird.
There was a smell.
Kang Juhyuk’s smell.
And the hard thing pressed against my stomach...
An erection. His hard cock.
Yeah.
Of course.
See? I knew you were turned on too.
You want sex. Your desire’s up, isn’t it?
I was right. It was because of you. The reason I’m turned on right now is because of you too.
Don’t confuse me like that. Acting all paternal, like you’re comforting me by holding me close.
How arrogant.
"N-Nuna?"
"See? You do want it..."
Kang Juhyuk, who had been holding me so warmly, suddenly let out a flustered voice.
What, pretending to be innocent? And after pitching such a huge tent?
You think I’d just lie here in your arms and let you keep up the act? I’ll tear that filthy nature of yours right open.
I dragged my hand over the bulge in his pants. It was huge. Rock-hard.
Disgusting, disgusting. Acting like you’re not. Pretending to be clean, pretending it’s affection, pretending it’s paternal, pretending it’s care.
It’s just mating instinct. You just want to sow your seed. You want to breed, that’s all.
You want to fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
You’re no different. You don’t actually care about some old story, about my past or whatever.
You’re after the body.
You don’t care about anything but the body, do you? Honestly. Whether it’s Chae Eunha or Choi Eunho, you don’t actually care.
You’re after the pussy or the cock, just like all the others.
Don’t act like you’ve got feelings for me.
It hasn’t even been three weeks since we met.
What kind of tender, sentimental act is this... disgusting.
"Be honest... It’s convenient, isn’t it? You don’t have to pretend you’re rich to seduce me, or capable, or affectionate. A woman who’ll spread her legs on her own. A woman you can just satisfy and leave. You don’t need to act considerate, or like you match my wavelength. You don’t need to be nice to me, or buy me anything. You don’t even have to do that stupid three-date bullshit. You can just say you want it, say you want sex, and... I’ll give it to you."
"Eunha Nuna."
I stroked his cock through his pants.
All he had to do was say it. I’d set him free. He just had to admit he was the same as every other guy.
Draw the line, that’s all. Be honest with each other, and just get what you want.
A contractual relationship. That sort of thing. Nice, right? A relationship where both sides benefit. For me it was less a benefit than a necessity, but still—benefit was benefit.
"I don’t lie to Nuna."
"So..."
"Yeah. I do want it. Really. Badly. Right now, I want to kiss Nuna, touch your breasts, make you suck my cock, fuck you, and cum. I want to make you mine, and dirty you."
"See? I knew it... Right? Exactly."
Even if you pretend otherwise, it all shows.
In the end, it’s sex. You’re the same kind of guy. I reached for the button on his pants.
I’d won. I’d made him say it, and we hadn’t even been at it long enough for the bet to matter yet. I knew it.
All that was left was to strip his pants off.
Just as I was about to...
"And I want to know about Nuna too."
Kang Juhyuk caught my hand as I reached to undress him.
He seized it by force, interlacing our fingers again.
We were about to start right now. Forcing it. Forcing me to stop.
If I made him let go with Blessing, I could have forced the start.
But then it wouldn’t have been Kang Juhyuk who started it.
I wouldn’t really be the one winning.
"I want to know what Nuna likes. What you hate, what food you like, your hobbies, what music you listen to, whether you watch TV, how you usually spend your days, where you lived, where you live now, I want to hear about your school days too, and how long you’ve been a hunter, and how you see me... I’ve heard a few things, but still. Isn’t it okay to ask just a little? I’m worried that maybe you really hate this, but you’re forcing yourself to stay with me."
"..."
"It’s separate from sex. That’s something I want on its own, and like I said earlier, it’s not that I like you only so I can have sex with you."
After saying that, Kang Juhyuk hugged me even tighter.
Don’t do that.
It’s fine if you just say you like me. I can ignore that.
But don’t say it while holding me like this.
Don’t pull me into your arms. Don’t give me warmth. No, I need warmth—but no! I don’t need it.
I don’t need this kind of warmth anymore.
It probably wasn’t anything huge, not some grand emotion.
He was just curious. He liked me, so he wanted to know more about me.
A feeling light enough to call affection, but too heavy to call simple kindness.
And yet even that ambiguous weight of feeling...
This body was absurdly weak against it.
...Ding-dong. Looks like the pork cutlet’s here.
Kang Juhyuk let go of me.
He’d been holding me so tightly in his arms.
But because the food arrived, he let me go and got up.
He left me.
The warmth disappeared.
He went out through the door.
Out of the one-room apartment.
He was gone.
He’d left.
"Nuna?"
"...Ah."
Before I knew it, I was clutching the hem of Kang Juhyuk’s clothes.
Startled, I hurriedly let go.
What the hell. What is this?
"Br-bring it here fast."
My heart was racing.
Violently.