Get Used to It (4)
Well, I understood it. I really did.
My body was in the state it was in, after all.
If I was overflowing with desire and someone came after me at the wrong moment... sure, I might have been able to swing a fist or two. But if the mood wasn’t right, I might just fold instead.
When I thought about it that way, Kang Juhyuk was kind of ridiculous, but he was also doing his job well. He was keeping people around him from getting ideas.
As I thought that, I looked around Kang Juhyuk’s room.
An old studio apartment, with appliances so worn I couldn’t even tell when they’d last been replaced.
...God, wow.
It reminded me of the past.
Not in a way that made me miss it at all, but familiar enough that it didn’t feel strange.
I lightly stroked the dingy blanket that had been roughly shaken out and folded on the bed.
"It’s a little messy, isn’t it?"
"Yeah. It is messy."
"I did clean, though... I’m embarrassed."
"What difference does cleaning make? This is still this kind of place. At least you didn’t leave it looking like a garbage dump."
I could understand not wanting to look pathetic, but this was this kind of place. If an orphan got a job in the capital, rented a room, and lived their life while taking care of themselves... it might not be impressive, but it wasn’t lacking, either.
It just meant it wasn’t the sort of place that matched me. Nothing to be ashamed of.
There was the smell of air freshener, and since he’d opened a window, there wasn’t even any stale odor lingering. A little disappointing... no, that wasn’t my opinion. That was the body’s.
Kang Juhyuk’s scent wasn’t very strong at all. The air freshener was stronger.
Honestly, it was a bit hard to take. Human scent was better.
With that thought, I walked past Kang Juhyuk and sat down at the edge of the bed as if it was nothing.
Kang Juhyuk hesitated, then came to stand in front of me, fidgeting.
He was strangely careful.
"Come sit down first. We’re not leaving right away."
"Y-yes, ma’am."
"Why are you so jumpy?"
"Haha... with you in my room, I just can’t seem to calm down."
"I’m just here to eat. Don’t get any weird ideas."
"Ah, I won’t."
At that, Kang Juhyuk nodded and sat cross-legged on the bare floor.
What was he doing?
"What are you doing? Come sit over here."
"Uh... next to you?"
"This place is tiny. You expect me to let you sit on the floor like that? You can sit on the bed. Hurry up."
"Y-yes, ma’am."
I patted the mattress beside me, and Kang Juhyuk carefully came over and sat down next to me.
The mattress sank with a soft whump. There wasn’t enough space in the room for a proper chair.
There was what you could call a table, but only the kind meant to be used while sitting on the floor.
We’d have to eat on the floor later, but we hadn’t even ordered yet.
...
Kang Juhyuk sat rigidly beside me, too tense to speak.
Come to think of it, this might have been the first time we’d sat this close.
The last time we’d gone out for tonkatsu, we’d sat facing each other.
And at least... in the car? Well, if you wanted to be technical, sure.
I could tell just from his breathing how conscious he was of me.
He’d even had sex with me, and he was still this shy.
I was about to tell him not to be so nervous and to just pick what he wanted to eat...
...
Ugh.
Kang Juhyuk was sitting there in silence, all tense and stiff.
But my own chest suddenly felt like it was about to burst, and I couldn’t even force the words out. Nothing would come.
It wasn’t because I was excited or nervous, either.
Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.
Damn it, seriously...
He was sitting right next to me, and even though we weren’t touching, I could feel his warmth.
My body reacted, and all of a sudden my heart started pounding.
My heart had done exactly what it wanted.
I hadn’t been thinking about anything, and yet my chest was beating on its own, my body going rigid as if I were the one who was nervous.
That was how it always was.
This body was shameless to the core; even if desire itself hadn’t piled up, the moment it decided, This is a situation good for sex, it would start reacting on its own.
It had been the same when we’d gone to Shin Jaecheol’s place.
What a mess. I’d forgotten. Or rather, maybe I just hadn’t thought about it.
I’d been so focused on the thought that I didn’t want to make Kang Juhyuk walk when his feet hurt... that maybe I hadn’t even considered the consequences.
Calm down. You little slut, shaking just because you’re pressed up against some man...!
"S-so, is there anything you want to eat?"
Using my Blessing to slow my heartbeat, I finally managed to speak.
Kang Juhyuk flinched, then answered without even looking at me.
"A-anything is fine with me."
"You said you were jealous of people ordering delivery. There had to be something you wanted."
"Ah... right. I did. Haha. My brain’s not working very well right now."
"You and I wandered around the Great Rift alone together. You’re acting more clueless now than you did back then."
"Back then... well, it was inside the Gate. I was nervous in a different way. It felt more like work, I guess."
So that was it: business and pleasure were different.
At the very least, the fact that he’d been thinking of it as work had made it easier for him to not notice me so much. Having someone else enter the studio apartment that had been his own private space was probably throwing him off.
"If you can’t decide, just say whatever comes to mind. I’ll order all of it."
"Huh? But I can’t eat all that."
"Then throw out what’s left. Or reheat it later. Do whatever you want."
"If I do that, I’ll get punished."
"You’re hilarious."
With a dry laugh at his nonsense, I opened the delivery app.
What I wanted first was tuna.
It was my first time ordering it by delivery, so I was curious how it would come.
From the photos, it looked like it came in a plastic container.
He was still staring out the window on the opposite side of the room, so I got annoyed and shoved my phone screen right in front of his face.
"Hey. Don’t stand there looking so twitchy. Look over here."
"Y-yes, yes."
"I’m ordering one tuna box, so take a look here. Japanese, Western, what else... Vietnamese? There’s Korean food, too, and snacks."
I scrolled through the app with him.
Kang Juhyuk, who’d been trying to look at the screen, seemed to be staring not at the display, but at my chest, gathered there beneath the arms holding up the phone.
...Sensitive. It was only a glance, and yet it felt like something was touching me. I tried not to show it, but my sensitivity was slowly climbing.
Seriously...
Sex, sex. That damn sex drive.
I came here to eat, and now it was sex again.
We’d already done it two days ago.
And he wanted it again? Well, he was at that age, I supposed.
Don’t drag me into it, too.
My body was reacting to your sex drive...!
I put my right hand over my upper chest.
It was a wordless command for him to stop staring, and only then did Kang Juhyuk jolt and shift his gaze back to the phone screen.
"T-that sounds good."
"...I said it sounds good? No, I already picked one, so you pick one too."
"Ah, tonkatsu... tonkatsu sounds good."
From the Japanese place at the edge of the screen, Kang Juhyuk immediately brought up tonkatsu.
He’d said he ate it often. Right. So he must like it.
"Still the fillet?"
"Yes."
"Then I’ll have the fillet today, too."
So, hirekatsu? Fine. Two of those.
I ordered tuna as well, and that was enough.
The amount I ate could be stretched or reduced as I liked, so it wasn’t like eating tonkatsu and tuna together was going to be difficult.
Besides, the tuna was something I’d share with Kang Juhyuk.
...
What was hard wasn’t the amount of food.
It was the way Kang Juhyuk kept looking down at me while I fiddled with the phone.
Even when I tried not to think about it, that sticky gaze kept sweeping over my body.
Honestly, the look from that guy in the next apartment and Kang Juhyuk’s look weren’t all that different. At least not to me.
They were both looks that made my desire build up on its own, that made my body react.
The only difference, really... was that I wouldn’t have any trouble after sex with Kang Juhyuk.
Ha. Seriously. Beyond saving. What, had his brain been replaced with a cock?
Glancing at my chest, making his sex drive obvious.
Making my body keep reacting, trying to get me to want sex.
Wanting it again.
Fuck.
It was starting to ache.
Maybe agreeing to eat at Kang Juhyuk’s place had been a mistake.
If we’d gone out, he wouldn’t have been able to show his sex drive so openly like this.
I was getting more and more aroused because of my body.
All right, all right. First I should warn him. He’d better try to hold back.
I couldn’t just say, I got horny the moment my body reacted, so let’s have sex. That would make me no different from Chae Haeun.
"You, by the way... you really want it that badly?"
"Huh? Huh? Uh, yes?"
"You’ve been staring at my body this whole time. Looking at me with horny eyes."
"Huh? No, it’s not that. Um... horny eyes? I mean, I looked once and you were pretty, so... I just kept looking."
...Huh?
"That black dress is pretty... It really suits your white long hair, and you smell nice, too. Once I realized you were sitting next to me, I kept wanting to... hold your hand."
"...My hand?"
"Yes, your hand... Ah, and. I did want to hug you."
Just as I thought.
I knew it.
"So you did want sex, after all."
"N-no. It’s not that. I mean literally a hug. Like... putting my hand on your shoulder and holding you. Or maybe laying my head on your shoulder."
"And touching my breasts?"
"Uh... yes. That part’s true. But no, please don’t think of it only that way. It would be lewd to say it’s not lewd, but... I did want physical affection. I just wasn’t thinking about sex."
What, what?
This was your fault.
Because you were looking at me with horny eyes, with desire in your eyes.
My body reacted, and that’s why.
That’s why we’re talking about things like this!
"Being with you... is nice, but that’s not the only thing I want. ...Because I like you."
"That’s just your sex drive talking. You just want to grab me because I’m the one giving it to you..."
"But right now I don’t want sex. I just want to hold your hand, look into your eyes, and talk while we watch a stream together. Or lie down together... or hold you."
"And then you’d end up having sex!"
"No, I’m telling you, that’s not it!"
Not it? What do you mean, not it!
Then what, you’re saying that right now, you looking at my chest, you sweeping your eyes over my body—that was all my imagination?
You’re saying that you looking at me with horny eyes was in my head?
Then, in that case... right now, me...
The fact that I’m horny right now, the fact that my pussy’s aching.
The fact that I want it...!
You’re saying that isn’t because you showed your sex drive and I reacted to it?
It isn’t because of my period, because that insane maternal instinct got added on top of it?
It’s just... because right now feels like a good time for sex, because this feels like a good environment for sex.
Not some basic reaction like when Shin Jaecheol was around, so... not because of Kang Juhyuk.
You’re saying I was just responding to my own body, thinking about giving in and just having sex?
Even though I wasn’t all that worked up in the first place.
Even though this was a situation where I could’ve held back just fine...!?
...No way.
"Don’t lie."
"Nuna... I’m serious. Our first time was a little... unfortunate, sure. But I really don’t like you just because of sex..."
"Then prove it."
I grabbed Kang Juhyuk’s wrist.
And then... slowly, I brought his hand to my chest.
Kang Juhyuk’s hard right hand settled over my breast.
His hand was hot. Too hot... I wanted him to knead me. It was the body. My body.
I could hear him swallow.
Kang Juhyuk’s desire was starting to burn.
See? His cock was already getting hard. His pants looked like they were about to split... because I’d pulled his hand to my chest.
And yet he still acted as if he was above it, as if he was clean.
He wasn’t that pure.
He was just horny.
He liked me because of his sex drive.
Just like those women who got all clingy over Choi Eunho.
You weren’t any different.
"No matter what I do... don’t say you want sex."
"...Nuna?"
"The moment you even mutter that you want it, or try to touch my pussy even a little... I win."
"W-wait, all of a sudden?"
"Enough. Are you doing this or not?"
"N-no, if you say it that suddenly... I still don’t really understand."
Ugh, damn it...!
"I’m staying here tonight. I will absolutely not be the one to ask for sex. But if you say you want it, we’ll have sex right away. And if that happens, then you lose. Got it!?"
"Uh, y-yes?"
"Try everything! Holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, hugging, lying down together, watching streams! Everything you said you wanted. And let’s see whether you still don’t bring up sex!"
"Nuna. Why are you like this...?"
Seriously, how frustrating.
"If you win, I’ll go on a trip with you or whatever, just the two of us!"
"Really!?"
"Yeah, I’ll go. But if you lose, then you’re nothing but sex drive. Got it? Stop acting all clean for no reason and let’s be honest with each other. Okay?"
"...Yeah. Fine. Let’s do that."
If that’s what you want, then fine.
Kang Juhyuk nodded as if he were yielding, as if he were going to follow my lead.
He looked at me with that patronizing gaze, like he was humoring some impulsive idiot.
With that arrogant look. That insolent look.
I didn’t know why it made my insides boil so badly.
I wanted to tear off that iron mask of his and drag the rapist hiding underneath out into the open right then and there.
That’s what he was, after all. Even if you acted clean, you were still a rapist who would jump at the chance if it came along.
Absolutely not.
His side wasn’t thinking about it at all.
And I was the one thinking I wanted sex all on my own.
I was the one who hadn’t rejected the body’s reaction, who had started to accept it.
That I was getting used to the pleasure itself, to sex with Kang Juhyuk, instead of it being something I only did because I needed it.
I absolutely couldn’t admit that.