The Sex Sword
Right after Seraphina fled to the basement at a speed practically invisible to the naked eye.
The Holy Sword Solaris, resting in the corner, began to glow and vibrate.
"M-Master... what you did just now... it was so hot..."
"W-Who's there?!"
Camilla gave me a puzzled look as I shouted in shock at the empty air, but someone had definitely just spoken to me.
"Master, it's me, me! The Holy Sword Solaris!"
Huh? The Holy Sword Solaris could talk? The Solaris I knew from the game wasn't an Ego Sword... was it?
There was no way. I had practically lived and breathed Astral Saga. Even when I played as a Paladin, defeated the Demon King, and unlocked every single region, I had never once held a conversation with Solaris.
Did that mean there was a specific hidden condition to awaken her? Something that even I, who had ground my entire life away on Astral Saga, didn't know about?!
My pride as the unofficial, self-proclaimed number-one ranked player in the game was beginning to take a serious hit.
'Solaris, you. Why did you suddenly start talking to me?!'
It couldn't just be my high charm stat; I'd had this sword for quite a while now. It seemed some other condition had been met in the meantime.
"H-Huh? That... well, that is..."
Solaris trailed off, refusing to give a straight answer.
'Hey! I prided myself on knowing everything about you. Spill it already!'
With my veteran gamer's pride shattered to pieces, I unconsciously grabbed Solaris by the hilt and began shaking her violently.
"Ah, ahhn! M-Master, really...! We just met, so how can you shake me so roughly right there?!"
'!!!'
Startled out of my wits, I instinctively threw the Holy Sword onto the floor.
Her voice was definitely feminine, but what if she only sounded delicate and was actually male...?
Goosebumps broke out all over my body.
'Y-You, where exactly did you say I was shaking?!'
"Even if I am the most beautiful of all the holy swords... grabbing my chest upon our very first meeting is a bit embarrassing..."
'You're a girl, right?'
"I am indeed a female entity..."
Phew. For some reason, a strange sense of relief washed over me upon learning the sword was female. Of course, a sword's gender shouldn't have mattered, but...
'Wait, that's not what's important right now! Tell me why you woke up this instant!'
Having confirmed she was female, I picked the sword back up without a shred of guilt and began shaking her wildly again.
"Ugh, I'm dizzy! I-I'll talk! I'll tell you!"
Only then did I loosen my grip on the sword.
"...It's because I witnessed that sticky 'mating' session between you and Seraphina earlier, and my body got far too excited."
Mating.
Ma... ting?
For a moment, I doubted my own ears. If my vocabulary served me right, that word referred to the sexual act between a male and female animal for the purpose of reproduction?!
S-Seraphina and I are both girls! What on earth is she talking about?!
As my face flushed red with indignation at the Holy Sword's absurd slander, a voice piped up.
"Master, what kind of things are you imagining all by yourself to make your face turn so red~?"
"Hyaaaak?!"
Before I knew it, Camilla's tiny finger poked my cheek. I had been so focused on my conversation with the Holy Sword that my heart nearly leaped out of my chest.
"...Hmm. I wonder why our little Master is acting like this all of a sudden?"
Wh-What is she talking about?! You're way smaller than me, so you're the little one!!
"G-Get your hand off me!!"
At my sharp shriek, Camilla gave me an adoring look before phasing straight through the wall and disappearing into the adjacent room where Sua was staying. It seemed the two of them had gotten quite close.
B-But still. Camilla, you!
Isn't your attitude way too different from when we first met?! She used to speak so politely to me...
But lately, she's clearly treating me like some small, precious pet, openly doting on me.
And she's shorter than me, too!
At least you should treat me like your master!!
Ah, no. That's not what's important right now.
I narrowed my eyes and turned my fierce interrogation back to the Holy Sword.
'F-First of all, that was not mating! I only touched Seraphina's ears a tiny, tiny bit! What kind of nonsense are you spewing?!'
"..."
At that, the blade—which usually flowed with pure white divine power—began to heat up into a soft pink, like a young girl blushing shyly.
I-Is a mere sword actually blushing right now?!
'You're supposed to be a Holy Sword, so why are you so perverted?!'
I didn't say it expecting an answer; I just wanted to criticize this horny sword. However, after a moment of contemplation, the Holy Sword began to answer in all seriousness.
"My name is the Sword of the Sun, Solaris. I am famous for being the most beautiful and powerful of all existing holy swords, am I not? But... perhaps because I wield the power of the sun? Whenever night falls, I get so sleepy and tired that I find myself drifting off to sleep."
'Y-Your intro is too long!!'
"So, when I attended the <42nd National Holy Sword Gathering> recently... the other holy swords treated me like a child! They teased me all day, saying, 'Oh my, since you just sleep every night, you've probably never even seen humans doing that sort of thing, have you?' Strangely enough, the humans of the Empire only ever do that deed at night!"
Perhaps because it was a 'Holy Empire' dedicated to serving God, a very peculiar implicit rule existed in this country: absolutely no 'funny business' during the day when the sun was up.
Since God was watching wherever the light touched, they claimed that if one wished to satisfy their desires, they had to do so secretly in the dark of night when everyone else was asleep.
No, putting that aside... holy swords actually had their own social gatherings? And it was already the forty-second one?
As I lay on the bed, listening half-heartedly to the Holy Sword's story, a sudden discrepancy struck me.
Wait a minute. I heard this sword was stolen from the Pope's room. There was no way that perverted, decrepit old geezer of a Pope (whom Sua had spent the entire day badmouthing) would have politely waited until nightfall.
At my point, Solaris fell silent for a moment, then began to vibrate violently in protest.
"...I have my own aesthetic standards, you know! I would rather gouge my own eyes out than listen to that old man panting!"
Do you even have eyes...?
Still, I could understand the Holy Sword's perspective. According to Sua's description, the Pope's face was completely sagging, his belly was as massive as a mountain... in short, he was closer to a monster than a human.
After glancing at me warily for a moment, the Holy Sword seemed to muster up her courage and spoke with conviction.
"A-Anyway, what you and Seraphina did earlier was nothing short of a sacred, beautiful ray of light to me! Especially your hand movements, Master... they were so exquisite that even I, a sword, wanted to experience them!"
Even though it was a sword doing the talking, my face inexplicably began to burn as if it were about to explode.
Unable to bear the shame of this lewd "Sex Sword" any longer—who was supposed to be a sacred "Holy Sword"—I hurled her into the corner of the bed.
"Ah! Are you going to engage in S&M play with me now?! You're so cold!"
'W-Where on earth did you even learn about that?!'
I did my absolute best to ignore the nonsense ringing in my head.
Burying my face in the bed, I pondered the sword's words. Of course, I knew most of what she said was utter garbage, but...
Did what I did earlier really feel like such a shameful act to Seraphina? Is that why she jumped up and ran out as if she hated it? I felt incredibly wronged that merely touching her ears could be construed as... mating, but if that was how Seraphina felt, I knew I had to apologize.
After all, they say the victim's tears are the ultimate proof.
.
Creeeeak.
With a cautious creak, Seraphina finally opened the door and stepped into the room. One relief was that the dark shadow previously cast over her face had completely cleared up.
Thoroughly intimidated, I approached her. Watching her reaction, I took one cautious step after another.
"S-Sister..."
"Hmm? Why is our Ruby looking so down all of a sudden?"
She asked gently, trying her best to act natural, but my chest pricked with guilt.
"I'm so sorry. For earlier... when I touched your m-m... I mean, your ears without permission."
"...!!"
Did she catch the word 'mating' that I had almost let slip, or did she just remember the unpleasant sensation of my touch? Seraphina's face instantly flushed a deep crimson.
She must be so angry that her face is turning that red...
The words of the Holy Sword I had tossed into the corner echoed in my ears. Despite being the perpetrator, I grew so frightened that tears began to well up in my eyes.
"H-Heeg... Sister, I was wrong. I-I'll never touch your body without permission again. I won't bother you, and I won't even t-talk to you anymore..."
"...What?"
Instantly, Seraphina's expression stiffened into something terrifying.
Wh-Why is she reacting like that?
With a rigid face, she strode over to me and firmly grabbed my shoulders.
"Ruby."
"...Yes?"
"D-Don't misunderstand. I... I was incredibly happy when you hugged me so tightly earlier. A-And I loved it when you touched my ears, too! O-Of course, licking my ear with your tongue was a little... just a tiny bit surprising, but..."
She rambled on, her voice eventually dropping to a tiny crawl.
"S-So... if you want to do it again next time, you can do it as much as you want!!"
"...! Yes, Sister!!"
I nodded vigorously.
Even though it was obvious she was so angry her face had turned bright red, she was desperately pretending to be fine just to spare my feelings.
Seraphina really must be a saint.
No, maybe she's not even human, but an angel...?
Harboring thoughts that would have absolutely horrified the people of the Holy See, I resolved never to initiate physical contact lightly again, all for Seraphina's sake.
Though, of course, Seraphina herself would have been horrified to hear that resolution.