Rookie Dad.
Rookie Dad.
Once I started entertaining the young teacher, who kept marveling at my musical sense, time flew.
"Si-yoon! Daddy's here!"
I glanced toward the entrance while playing the piano.
Dad had this deeply emotional look on his face at the sight of me sitting at the piano.
I looked at him like that, then waved a hand out of sheer laziness.
Before I knew it, Dad had come up beside me like a puppy.
"Si-yoon, did you have fun?"
"Nope."
Dad, seemingly used to my responses, smoothly ignored it and kept chatting away.
But there was one thing different from usual: Dad, who normally only had eyes for me, couldn't take his eyes off the piano,
and he looked like he was dying to play it right that instant.
"....."
Dad was staring intently at the keys I was pressing.
"Daddy's pretty good at the piano too... If Si-yoon wants... should I show you?"
I looked at Dad, then lifted my hands slightly off the keys.
"Give it a shot."
Even though it was only a toy piano, Dad's fingers trembled as he touched the keys.
When he pressed a key with his index finger, his finger shook even more, as if he was genuinely thrilled.
After testing the keys one by one, Dad looked at the piano with that same blissful expression he usually wore when looking at me.
A melody I'd never heard before began to echo through the daycare—so beautiful it didn't feel like it came from a toy piano.
As if hypnotized by the toy piano's sound, teachers and little kids alike started gathering around.
Dad kept glancing back and forth between me and the piano, wearing an expression like he was witnessing the peak of happiness right before his eyes.
I found myself acknowledging him all over again.
The children I had raised as 'family,' despite having none of my own—
and yet, those who ultimately had to die because of me.
When I consider the feelings I had while raising them, this rookie dad in front of me now...
Took it for granted that he should do the things I myself could not, acted as if this was the only right way,
and for the sake of a tiny, young scrap of flesh and blood, gave up the thing he loved most, the thing he most wanted to do, for four years.
I'll acknowledge it. I, who lived forty-nine years, will acknowledge it.
He is a true 'father,' doing what I could not do.
Right at this moment—no, everything this young man was showing me...
made me recall the true meaning of 'family.'
Dad, who was still looking back and forth between the piano and me, smiling as if he had awakened to true happiness, said,
"Daddy's the best, right?"
I smirked, then placed my hands on the keys to give a small reward to Dad, who had sacrificed himself for nearly four years for my sake.
Following the film reel of my memory, which played back like a video, I began pressing the keys Dad had pressed, slowly but precisely, in order from the very beginning.
Ignoring Dad's reaction, a mix of astonishment and shock, I pressed the keys in time with the rhythm he had played.
"....."
When I didn't stop there but played it through again, I tried to infuse it with the technique and emotion Dad had shown.
"!!!"
Dad stared at my small fingers with a dumbfounded expression.
"What are you doing?"
I yielded the empty spot next to me, and Dad knelt down beside me.
Dad placed his hand over my right hand, and when I pressed the keys in rhythm with my remaining left hand,
Dad began playing the melody, and a new sound was created.
Matching the beat I was keeping, Dad expressed his feelings through the piano,
and on his face as he looked at me, that same blissful expression he'd had when gazing at the piano appeared.
"Best, right?"
"Yeah... My daughter is amazing, huh?"
After seating me in the place of honor in a car shaped like a spaceship,
Dad said he'd buy me snacks, and we headed to the grocery store.
"What did you do at daycare?"
Dad asked, wearing a look of pure adoration as he watched me fiddle with his phone.
"You saw through the camera, didn't you."
But at my reply, Dad fell quiet.
"....."
"Do I really have to say out loud with my own mouth something both you and I already know?"
"...Sorry."
Having learned what family meant, I began teasing this rookie dad while reveling in a novel sensation.
The rookie dad went along with my tone, but often showed me his deflated side.
Maybe he was trying to teach me that when I said things like that, the other person got hurt; honestly, that look of his was amusing.
And probably... this is just my thought... but that rookie dad was enjoying it too.
'He's got a taste for it...'
Perhaps because my appearance reminded him of my mother—at first he hid and cried a lot,
but these days, what I mostly saw was him grinning brightly.
After we arrived at the grocery store, Dad put on a mask and sunglasses, then put a special mask on me.
"It's stuffy."
"But if we don't wear these, people will recognize us, you know?"
"So what if they recognize us?"
Dad looked at me and laughed.
"Si-yoon might not know this, but once you get famous, it's incredibly hard~"
I stared straight at him as I spoke.
"While staying home every day?"
"...Um... you end up not going outside much... right?"
"What are you talking about? You stayed home because of me."
"....."
I grinned as I spoke.
"Well... still, it looks hard~"
"...Ah... Daddy looks like he's having a hard time?"
I tried to get down from the place of honor where the car seat was installed, but Dad lifted me up and held me in his arms.
"This is comfy~"
"At your service, Princess~"
"Very well, let us make haste. I am craving savory snacks today."
"Ahaha."
As if sightseeing in a new world, I sat in the shopping cart and looked around.
"Wow..."
'The world has really gotten better...'
A mischievous glint appearing in his eyes, Dad said to me,
"Does Si-yoon find it amazing?"
"Yeah."
I started asking about this and that, just like a kid my age.
"What's that?"
Dad began explaining everything one by one,
and perhaps conscious of the people around us, he had switched to English before I knew it.
Watching Dad speak English, an old memory surfaced.
In the past, the English pronunciation I used was like gangland talk.
The English I'd picked up adapting while working as a mercenary—
"Holy shiiiiiit, so amazing, bro."
"...Sweetie?"
"Oh my gosh... What the fuck is that...!?"
"....."
The exclamations coming from the mouth of a four-year-old girl who looked like a cherubic baby angel
couldn't have been more perfect for making Dad deeply embarrassed.
"You're doing that on purpose... right?"
"Yeah."
Dad seemed to believe the source of my English was 'movie reviews,' and he asked me,
"...You saw it in a movie? Do you know what it means?"
"Think I wouldn't?"
"...Daddy likes it better when our daughter uses pretty words..."
"Got it~"
After loading up even more of all sorts of meat, ham, sausages, vegetables, and snacks, we approached the checkout counter.
"Uh...? Excuse me..."
Dad brought a finger to his lips and said quietly,
"Can you ring these up, please?"
"Ah! Yes..."
When I stared blankly up from below, the part-timer looked at me with a surprised expression.
"So pretty~ What's your name?"
"If you search for it, you'll find out, you know?"
"...Huh?"
With some effort, I passed the snack bag that was on the counter up to Dad.
Dad smoothly opened the snack bag and handed it to me.
"You have to be polite to grown-ups~"
"Then should I go around blabbing Dad's name too?"
"....."
"Hold me."
When I spread my arms out, Dad picked me up.
Dad's arms made for a comfortable ride.
I pulled my mask down and started eating the snacks one by one.
"I'm Si-yoon. If you go around talking about it, Dad will hide me, you know?"
"...I see..."
"You know Dad's had a hard time, right? Please take good care of him~"
"Yeah!"
Dad looked at me and chuckled, then said to the part-timer,
"Would you... like me to sign an autograph for you?"
"Huh-huk! Really?"
The part-timer, speaking in a small voice, quickly pulled out her notebook.
Dad wrote down the date and finished his autograph.
"Should I give you one too?"
"Really!?"
Dad watched me, looking at me as if I were a fascinating curiosity.
- Kim Ji-ho's daughter Kim Si-yoon's autograph ★.
I gave a wave to the deeply moved part-timer and said,
"Later, when I get famous, you can brag that you got my autograph."
"I'll definitely do that!"
I coolly waved my hand.
"Goodbye! Come again next time~"
Dad's expression had been ambiguous at first, but now he was looking at me and smiling.
"Shall I make you something delicious when we get home~?"
"Yeah."
I spoke to Dad, who couldn't seem to let me out of his arms.
"Put me down and carry the bags?"
"I think we bought too much... What should I do?"
Ignoring my words, he hugged me tight, and I spoke to Dad as he mulled it over.
"I said put me down. I'll follow you properly."
"....."
I spoke to Dad after he had stood in one place worrying for about fifteen minutes.
"I need to pee."
"Huh?"
"I need to pee, put me down. You want me to go right here?"
Dad quickly set me down and picked up the bags.
A single mention of needing to pee was enough to cut short the rookie dad's deliberation,
and we quickly boarded the elevator.
Dad was carrying bags full in both hands.
"You could have just come out again next time—why did you buy so much?"
"Kim Si-yoon, most of this is stuff you said to buy..."
"So it's my fault?"
Dad deliberated for a moment before answering.
"No..."
"I'm young and can't control myself, so you should have stopped me from buying it, Dad."
"Right..."
A schoolgirl I didn't know, who was riding the elevator with us, giggled as she watched our father-daughter display.
"Oh my~ How pretty."
"I know."
"Really? You know you're pretty, and you're smart too?"
"I know that too."
"Then is there anything you don't know?"
This schoolgirl was gradually starting to annoy me.
"Mm... what my mom looked like?"
"Uh... Huh? S...Sorry..."
As soon as I played the "dead mother" card, as if I found it too tiresome to argue any further, the schoolgirl immediately raised the white flag.
Dad looked at me, flustered.
"What."
"Ah... It's nothing."
Once we got home, Dad put the bags down and washed me up.
"Si-yoon, you said you needed to pee."
"Yeah, that was a lie."
"....."
Dad saw me sitting on the sofa and sat down next to me.
"Sweetie."
"Hm?"
"Do you miss your mom?"
"Not particularly."
Perhaps what I'd said to the young student in the elevator was still bothering him,
Dad was laughing awkwardly.
I glanced at him like that and said,
"If you have something to say, say it."
"...Daddy's sorry."
I spoke to Dad as he tried to change the subject.
"If it's hard, you can cry. Don't hide it."
"Our Si-yoon... is so smart, and kind..."
Dad just gazed at me for a long time, and then, as if he had made some resolution all on his own,
he went up to the second floor and brought down a box covered in dust.
And then he stood still for a long time, staring at the box.
Dad's expression grew more complicated as time passed.
Then, after nodding his head to himself, Dad wiped the box down with a handkerchief and brought it over.
And then he opened the box and handed it to me.
"These are things our Si-yoon's mom used to use."
I looked at the photos with genuine interest.
Watching me look at the photos, the rookie dad's eyes grew red around the rims.
"Dad, show me. The photos are heavy."
"...Okay."
Dad sat me on his lap, then took out a photo and showed it to me.
Images of the two of them laughing happily; they must have dated since they were young, because the box was full of photos from when Dad was young, and even younger.
Everything was there, from photos of her waiting while Dad was in the military, to her looking happy about having me.
Images of them watching each other's performances; my mother had been a celebrity too.
Each time we turned a photo, Dad's tears dripped down onto the top of my head, but I pretended not to notice.
"She's pretty."
Dad answered my words in a choked, trembling voice.
"Right...? So... so pretty, isn't she?"
"Yeah. As pretty as me."
At my reaction, Dad forced a smile through his tears.
Dad kept looking at the photos for a while; I pulled out a small notebook that was beside me and opened it.
It looked like my mother's diary.
- If I catch you sneaking a look at my diary again, I'll bite you, got it?
The line in the diary meant exactly what it said.
Because of the large teardrops falling onto the top of my head, I looked up at Dad.
With trembling hands, Dad set me down beside him, and then, as if his chest felt tight, as if he simply could not bear it any longer, he began to sob.
The sound of Dad's trembling cries.
I watched him for a moment, then leaned my face toward Dad and said with a faint smile,
"Should we take a photo and put it in too? So Mom can see it."
The young rookie dad, sobbing before my eyes, wiped his own face with two trembling hands.
And then, his face full of tears and snot, he smiled as brightly as he could and pulled me into his arms.
"Yeah... Let's do that."