Touch Me and I Bite.
Touch Me and I Bite.
Dubu, who'd hit a million subscribers and become a major Neotuber. And Sheen, who'd crossed two million and gone mega.
Since both were single, torching thirty million won wasn't exactly gonna break them.
Dad and I hammered out a plan fast.
I'd play the concept of someone Dad had trained up—expensive, but frugal.
Dad had zero concept of money, so he'd just swipe until Uncle Sheen had an aneurysm.
Grinning crookedly, Dad and I made up our minds to mess with the two of them.
The next day, I got in Spot and headed for the Class-1 general residential district in Uijeongbu where Dubu lived.
Since it was Dubu who'd asked if she could film, I cheerfully agreed.
I parked in front of Dubu's place, pulled down my mask and a beige bucket hat, and got out of the car.
As soon as I stepped out after parking, Dubu—who was seeing Spot for the first time—lit up.
"Whoa... seriously, it really is pretty."
"Me? Obviously."
"Not you, the car..."
This was my first time seeing Dubu's house, and I was floored.
I dunno how many of Dubu's viewers know what the inside of the house looks like, but it was not the kind of house that should be stressing over three grand.
"This place is in your sister's name, right?"
"Huh? Nope."
"Then?"
"Dad..."
"Well, I guess our place is in Dad's name too."
Dubu, who was streaming, showed me in and I headed into the studio.
The second I walked into the studio, I saw a wall full of lights—really driving home that a female streamer is still a female streamer.
The main rig was hooked up to three monitors; the left one was labeled "Chat," the middle "Main," and the right "Sub."
Even though I'd practically covered my face, the moment people saw my pink hair they already knew it was me and spammed "Siha."
I smoothly commandeered Dubu's chair and sat down.
"Water and a drink."
"Yeah. One sec."
Online, Dubu runs her mouth at me nonstop, but when we actually meet in person, she can't make a peep unless I really grind her gears.
In short, Dubu was a bedroom warrior.
I took off my hat, pulled down my mask, and immediately went to the Koozzi homepage.
- For real, she is distressingly pretty whoa...
- One of like maybe three Koreans who can call Dubu ugly lol.
- lolololololololololololololol look she's already got windows open.
- She's got me by the throat huh?
- Guys something big is coming hold on tight.
"As I thought, thirty million might've been a little low... nothing worth buying... hmm..."
Dubu came back with a cola, ice cubes tinkling in it.
She flinched when she saw the screen I had up.
"Don't worry, sis. Wanna take a quick look at Uncle Sheen's stream?"
"Huh?"
I pulled up Uncle Sheen's stream off to the side for a second, and there he was, clinging to Dad's arm and begging.
- "Hey, I'm telling you, you can't think about money being a waste when you spend it. You swipe first, and if the stuff gets here and you don't like it, you go, 'Hmm, not my taste? But hey, I bought it, so whatever, I'll hold onto it.' That's the rapper mindset. That's straight-up FLEX."
- "J... Ji-ho, I don't care how you slice it... two grand on a chair is insane..."
- "Your headspace right now is already 'I don't feel like spending money today.'"
The second he said something about dropping two grand on a chair, Dubu looked at me.
Like, you're not about to do that too, right?
"You crazy? Watching Dad buy shoes just because they're pretty still gives me the creeps. I'm a bit different from Dad—I think designer stuff also needs to be appraised for actual utility."
Dad and I started sucking in viewers across Twatch like we were competing.
Dubu's fanbase is overwhelmingly smaller than Sheen's, but the numbers were still pretty close. That right there is the class difference between Dad and me.
"I'll lecture you on how to spend money. Listen up."
"Uh..."
"First, you gotta catch people's eyes a lot. Not like Dad, who spends it on pointless crap for his own self-satisfaction—you have to show other people and brag. That's how you feel the satisfaction of spending."
"Oh... yeah, yeah."
"You know that chair Dad just mentioned at our place? When I saw it I seriously almost smacked him, but I held back."
"Whoa..."
"He called it his 'thinking chair' and put it in his studio, and wow... and then he's gonna lecture someone about financial sense?"
"Also, clothes don't really need to be designer unless they're actually pretty. Look at mine. I just bought them because they're pretty, right? That kind of vibe."
"Oh..."
And as I said that, I went into Saneil and clicked on a bag that cost eight million won.
"That's pretty. Let's go with this."
"......"
This time, Barusache.
"Oh... this is decent too."
"......"
I was demonstrating exactly what "words not matching actions" looks like, fiddling with this and that, when Dubu called my name.
"Si-yoon?"
"Yeah?"
"Um... the total is... fifty million won..."
"Oh yeah? Then let's spend fifty million today~"
"Are you crazy?"
"No, look, there aren't many of these in stock, so if I don't buy it now it'll be even more expensive later."
"Hey."
"...Yes?"
"Take out the clothes..."
"But they're pretty...?"
"Hey!"
Dad's and my shopping methods were a little similar.
Originally, if someone recommended something to Dad, he'd just glance at it online, see if he liked it, and basically swipe blind. But after he learned Da-yeon's and my shopping method, he started preferring to go see things in person and buy them. So you pick out the pretty stuff online, then call the store and head to the location that has stock.
"Let's go."
"Where?"
"I already scanned roughly what's available. Grab your recording gear and follow me, fast."
I left Spot at Dubu's place and rode in Dubu's car, a Spark.
About a 250-times price difference between the two vehicles.
I got in the passenger seat of Dubu's car.
"Oh. Look at you, movin' up in the world."
"......"
"So we're off to buy a wallet that costs more than your sister's car, huh?"
"You're insane..."
I took a call from Dad for a moment.
Dad said he was heading toward Seoul.
Since there's a pretty big difference between Dad's and my shopping times, I had the thought that we might actually run into each other.
"Where are we going?"
"Just park up ahead here."
As expected of Saneil...
At a public store like this, it's hard to find something you like unless you've got a connection.
All the current stock was gone, so there wasn't a single thing that caught my eye.
"Hmm, all of it's trash."
"Why...? It's pretty..."
"What? If you buy this kind of stuff, it's a pain in the ass to resell later. It's not a mainstream design."
"Really?"
"Usually when you're drawing up an estimate, the hundred-to-thousand range is mainstream stuff. Above that, it's stuff with a 'feeling.'"
"Stuff with a feeling?"
"You gotta buy something where you can tell, 'Oh, if I stash this away the price is gonna go up a bit, huh?' That way you use it carefully and sparingly."
"...You're really gonna hit me with a sensible statement like that now...?"
I said all that, but I don't actually like designer goods that much.
Honestly, when I have to swipe a few million at a time on useless products like that without really being into it, I flinch a little too.
That's also part of why Da-yeon likes shopping with me...
Dad holds the complete opposite opinion from me.
Always the rare stuff, no exceptions...
I was looking forward to seeing Sheen tagging along with that kind of dad.
Ji-ho and Sheen headed to Louis Vuitton first.
"How about this?"
"...Isn't this for women?"
"If you've got someone around you who'd want it, you just give it to them."
"...You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
"Huh? I told you earlier. You have to waste money on pointless stuff to feel the meaning. There. Now close your eyes."
Sheen closed his eyes as Ji-ho instructed.
"You're imagining it. It's for women, but this palm-sized bag is four hundred. And you bought it."
"...So isn't that just being a crazy bastard?"
"Ahem! We agreed no backtalk, right?"
"......"
"This is also how I write rap lyrics. Close your eyes and imagine torching four hundred on this tiny, cute, palm-sized bag."
"......"
"But then it pairs perfectly with someone you really like, and that person wants this. And you're the cool guy who just casually hands it over."
"Really? Is that seriously the right image?"
"Huh? Feels good, doesn't it? When you think about giving it to Si-yoon as a present?"
"......"
After saying this, Kim Ji-ho thought for a moment, then suddenly pulled four cashier's checks from his mint-colored wallet.
"I'll give it to Si-yoon~"
Watching Kim Ji-ho, Sheen muttered into his Hi-Pro.
"This guy's insane... Guys, I think I'm fucked..."
We stopped at another store and found one of the items I'd seen online.
And there we were, in a standoff with Dubu in front of the register.
"Sis."
"Yeah?"
"You have no intention of spending money, do you?"
"I do too!?"
"Like hell you do. I'm telling you, you have to buy this. Remember it well and check back in a year. It's gonna double."
"Then... you buy it..."
"Eh, let's earn that money. I'd just give it to a friend anyway; it's a pain to stash it away at home. But you're really not gonna buy it?"
"...Hoo... ten million won on one bag...?"
"Precisely 9,200,000."
"......"
In the end, Dubu pulled out her card with trembling hands.
"I'm crazy... I'm crazy..."
"Um... shall I ring you up...?"
"Hah... yes."
While Dubu was paying, I looked around.
One of the few men's jackets at Saneil caught my eye.
It looked like it'd suit Dad more than I'd expect, and whether it was meant as a couple's set, there was a women's version too.
"Oh... this is pretty. Excuse me~"
"Yes?"
"I'll take this in both the top and bottom, please."
The employee, who had recognized my face, didn't mention the price and started wrapping it up.
Then I handed over my card, and they swiped it smoothly and returned it carefully.
The employee double-checked the sizes one last time.
"What's... that?"
"Clothes for Dad and me? When we come to a place like this, if I don't buy something for Dad, he gets all pouty."
Dubu checked the receipt with the clothing prices on it and momentarily dropped it.
I picked up the receipt and started rushing Dubu.
"Hurry up, come on. We're kinda busy, you know? This time, to the Barusache store!"
"Ji-ho... is this seriously right?"
"What's the matter? You already bought it and you even tore up the receipt."
"No, I mean... wow... my mom is actually gonna kill me."
"Ahem! With a mindset like that, even buying something is a loss, I'm telling you."
"So burning two grand on a chair is the right call?"
"You really do sit in your chair constantly. Watching your stream, I always thought it looked so lacking. Hmm... I was originally gonna teach you the feeling of spending money, but should I just buy it for you?"
Sheen hesitated for a second at Ji-ho's words, but in the end he hardened his resolve.
"No. That's not it..."
"And anyway, back in the day when you torched five grand on Maple Leaf, you didn't think twice."
"I didn't think twice? Didn't you watch my stream? I couldn't sleep for a whole week. And that was an investment..."
"And I'm telling you, this is an investment too."
"Hah... okay."
"The whole point of a real designer item is that you think about it even lying down. That's how you know it's worth its price."
"......"
Kim Ji-ho glanced around for a second, then his eyes lit up when he saw a chair made of leather mesh.
"Wanna buy one more?"
"HEY!!!!"
After a very, very long shopping trip, Sheen and the rest of us finally met up at the last location.
The Ermase at JS Department Store.
That place is Jong-su's family's.
I didn't actually know that when we'd been going there; it got newly established recently and I once ran into Jong-su's father while shopping with Da-yeon.
The two streamers were filming Dad's and my standoff.
"How much did you make her spend?"
"3,600."
"Tch. I lost, then..."
"Heh-heh, as I thought, you still can't beat Dad!"
"This is a little unfair for me—Dubu's got way less in assets."
"Nah, even if Sheen had less money I would've won. He's from Maple Leaf, after all."
"Ah? Oh, right?"
As if they couldn't just stand there and listen to our conversation anymore, Dubu and Sheen came up to us.
""What's that supposed to mean...?""
"Si-yoon and I made a bet over who could spend more money."
"Wow... WOW! Kim Ji-ho. The second he was ramming two grand into a chair a while ago going, 'You're not buying this?', I knew something was off."
Dubu was also staring at Dad and me with a face that looked completely shocked.
A face like she'd been outright scammed...
I get how they feel right now, sure. But this isn't exactly our fault.
Didn't they come to us first saying they wanted to learn how to spend money?
"Then... all that stuff about the price going up if you store it and resell it..."
"Pfft, I only spoke the truth. Did we do anything that counts as hustling you?"
Dad nodded too and looked at Sheen.
"Uh-huh. I really did buy it. Even though Si-yoon's gonna chew me out and I'll return it."
We figured we'd carved out pricey time to help the two of them, too.
And in the end, it was the two of them clutching their receipts tight, knowing they'd only bought things by their own decision and choice.
Even so, maybe Dubu had had something she'd wanted to buy, because after hearing Sheen say he'd bought a twenty-million-won chair, she squeezed her eyes shut and bought the wallet.
The original goal had been a wallet matching Dad's. Even now, when I think about the price of that thing, my body still involuntarily shudders because it's so expensive.
Think a single wallet can exceed the total amount those two spent today?
The con artists over at Ermase sold that exact thing to Dad.
One sucker carrying the title of "Dad" bought it because he said it was easier to slip cashier's checks into.
Well, I guess... if the money inside it overwhelmingly outweighs the shell... it's understandable.
Dad and I were going to end the extravagance by eating beef ramyun together, but I had a feeling that if we pushed any further, Sheen might actually punch Dad.
Dad was insanely good at playing dumb and acting pathetic. I had no idea what he'd done to make Sheen look at him like that when he'd always gazed at Dad like a savior.
It was a moment where I got real curious about the recording of Dad's stream.
The two of them were eating their beef in total silence...
This is the barbecue place Dad and I have been to countless times.
While I ate the meat Dad cut for me, thinking about how this was where I'd had my very first meal out~, I looked at the two of them, who seemed genuinely depressed.
"You did something as happy as spending money, so why are you regretting it?"
"Huh? Oh... no, we..."
I pulled out my seventh secret weapon on Sheen, who was wearing a look of regret.
"I was just trying to help... if you're both gonna react like that, should I buy the stuff back from you...?"
Aka, inducing self-reproach.
Aside from people who've built up a resistance to this hidden card of mine, everyone falls for it in one shot.
As if they'd both steeled themselves over something, Sheen and Dubu shook their heads firmly.
"If I'm gonna spend, I might as well do it properly sometime!"
"Exactly, exactly!"
We ate our meat and then each headed back to our respective places.
The moment Dad and I got home, we put on the world's happiest smiles and watched the follow-up streams from the two of them who'd learned how to spend money today.