Give Me Regression Too, You Fucking Bastards
The world was pure white. The sky, the ground, everything around me—there wasn't a single spot that wasn't blindingly white. And in that empty space, blurry images from my past slowly began to appear before my eyes.
......Mom, fuck. It was a flashback. Wait, did I actually die? Don't fuck with me. I'm the protagonist, damn it.
I replayed my final moments. That overwhelming weapon disguised as a book. The way it mercilessly smashed into my head. Recalling it, I thought with absolute certainty:
Yep! I definitely died!
I accepted it in an instant. Since I died cleanly anyway, it was time to start acting properly in line with the era's trends. What era is this again? Right. The era of skyrocketing land and housing prices. If you don't secure your spot early, you'll be stuck paying rent even in the afterlife—a hardcore life indeed.
It's not too late, right? Just one land grab. Prime real estate, right here! I'm going in!
While lost in those random thoughts, I suddenly saw my past self talking with Kang Hyuk. Having that gloomy old man show up at my final moment was slightly annoying, but the content of the conversation was hard to ignore.
"Why do you always act so preemptively, sir?"
"You'll understand once you experience it."
Suddenly, the title of the book I'd borrowed from the library popped into my head. Regression 30 Times Is Just Bullshit. That book's title felt like it was pointing me toward some kind of answer right now.
My brain—which had never been properly used in my entire life—slowly started to turn. Words began combining in my head.
Acting preemptively. Experienced it. Prediction and action. Unwanted outcomes. Regression.
No matter how stupid my head was, at this point even I could tell what answer those combined words were pointing to.
But that realization only lasted a moment before my consciousness began flickering again.
Who cares about that anyway! Buying land is more important! Let's go! Straight to heaven's prime real estate!
"Don't touch the prime real estate!!! You fucking bastards!!!"
The person who had just regained consciousness spat out completely insane words as their eyes snapped open. An unfamiliar ceiling. No, this was a ceiling I'd genuinely never seen before. This wasn't some light novel opening scene.
I sat up, looked around, and tried to figure out where the hell I was. Then my final moments suddenly came rushing back.
Ah. That bitch.
I touched my head, but there were no stitches. Just a faint, tingling sensation. I ran my hand through my hair and etched this feeling into my heart.
'If you can't send me off in one hit, then next time it's your turn, you fucking whore.'
Maybe because I'd regained consciousness, the contents of that dream slowly started coming back to me. Then my brain stopped again.
'Move, you fucking skull.'
I smacked my head with my hand a few times. Of course it hurt my hand, but it definitely worked. My brain started functioning again.
With my creaky head, I organized my thoughts.
Conclusion 1) The black numbers increase when that person experiences the future and regresses. One number per future experienced.
Conclusion 2) What people call "prediction" is actually just fragmented memories that remain faintly after regression.
Conclusion 3) However, most people simply think of regression as mere prediction and act accordingly. In other words, they don't realize they're regressing.
Honestly, these were pretty sloppy conclusions. No one had told me any of this, and they didn't fit perfectly either. They couldn't be completely certain, and the details might need revision at any time. Still, assuming everyone could regress, these were the best conclusions I could reach.
I also quickly came up with one speculative conclusion.
Conclusion 4) When regressing from the future, the red numbers only increase in the following cases:
4-1) When it's a completely unexpected situation entirely different from the future experienced.
4-2) When they tried to avoid it but couldn't.
An example of 4-1) would be getting hit by a car the moment you step out your front door—something you never saw coming. An example of 4-2) would be trying to avoid the rain but still getting soaked. Probably, that one deputy fell into 4-2). He predicted he'd get wasted on drinks and tried to drift home, but the department head completely blocked him, causing the red number to go up.
Even so, there were still a few unresolved questions.
Question 1) What's the standard for when you return after experiencing the future through regression?
Question 2) How many regressions can you do at once?
Question 3) How much of the future can you experience when you regress?
At that moment, I thought of Kang Hyuk. The way he said he'd "experienced it" suggested he could regress, and unlike others, he seemed aware of it. But he hadn't told me and had been hiding it. You're dead, you bastard.
I couldn't just brush it off with 'Well, maybe he had his reasons.' That kind of thing could easily become an 'Ah, this is too frustrating. Dropping this' moment. So the correct attitude for a web novel protagonist is to throw a fit the moment you get pissed off.
The moment I grabbed my phone to call Kang Hyuk, the curtain on the left suddenly flew open with a whoosh. Through the opened curtain, a woman in a white coat poked her face in. Seeing that I was awake, she smiled and said,
"Oh, you're finally awake!"
"......?"
"I was about to contact the funeral home if you didn't wake up today."
She looked to be in her late twenties with brown hair in a ponytail. The joke that came out of her mouth wasn't funny at all, but such words didn't even register in my ears. Because right now, my field of vision was filled with a massive, sacred object.
Momma dispenser. A beautiful and majestic momma dispenser was right before my eyes. No, correction. Such vulgar words couldn't possibly express it fully. Yes. This was a medical pouch. A magical mass capable of reviving even the dying.
I tore my gaze away from the medical pouch in front of me and asked the woman,
"By the way, where am I?"
"The infirmary. But are you really alive?"
"Why are you trying to kill a perfectly healthy person?"
"......Do you remember how you got brought here?"
Her expression was filled with various emotions. Amazement at human tenacity. Disgust like she was looking at a human-shaped cockroach. And above all, doubt about whether what she was seeing was real.
"Vaguely?"
"Normally, people who get hit by that either become half-crippled or die instantly."
She scratched her head and continued,
"Do you remember how many times you got hit?"
"Twice?"
"It was three times. How the hell did you survive?"
So she really hit me three times. That fucking bitch.
"Anyway, I guess you won't need this. I thought I might use it, but sadly I can't."
As she said that, the woman pointed to a spot filled with countless chrysanthemums. The expression of disappointment at not being able to use them somehow pissed me off. Fuck? What's so disappointing, you bitch? The world reaps what it sows. So I decided to give her exactly what she deserved.
"Anyway, thanks for taking care of me, ma'am."
"It's noona, you fucking bastard!!!!"
In an instant, the ma'am had grabbed a knife.
"Noo..."
"Yes. Call me noona."
"Noona my ass. Just kill me, you ma'am."
"You fucking whore!!!"
She threw the knife, but I casually bounced it away with my head. In the middle of that, the view outside came into my sight. The sun had already set, and darkness was beginning to fall.
Meanwhile, the woman who had witnessed this impossible scene spoke with a fed-up expression.
"Sigh. Fine. I'm Lee Yelim. Call me Yelim noona."
"Yes, Yelim noona. I'm Kim Shinwoo."
Yelim noona waved her hand half-heartedly and pointed at the infirmary door.
"You seem fine, so get going. I'll probably see you again soon."
"I got carried here after a surprise attack. There's no reason for us to meet again."
"My gut tells me you'll be running into me pretty often."
The only doctors you should say 'see you again' to are obstetricians, you ma'am. I don't want to live a life as chewy as rice noodles.
She told me to leave but then sat at her desk and started slacking off. It was about time for her to get off work, so I found it strange that she wasn't leaving and asked,
"Don't you like getting off work, noona?"
"Night shift, you idiot."
"Sorry."
Yelim noona ground her teeth and said,
"They said if I get a boyfriend, they'll let me off."
"You'll get one soon then."
"That's why I've been stuck on night shift without missing a single one since I got hired."
"......"
Still, she was the first person at the Academy who'd helped me. Right before leaving, I decided to show a bit of goodwill and asked Yelim noona,
"Do you have any conditions for the kind of boyfriend you want?"
"Are you hitting on me? I'm not interested in younger guys."
That kind of excessive self-awareness needed to be punished immediately.
"No, I'm not really into ma'ams either. You smell like a chicken coop."
"I'm still a baby chick coop, you fucking bastard."
No, a chicken coop is a chicken coop. Does a chicken coop have bronze, silver, and gold tiers? What a shameless chicken coop bitch.
Yelim noona sighed with hollow eyes and said,
"Older with a decent face is fine. So why?"
"I know this one uncle. Want me to introduce you?"
"Please do!!! I beg you!!!"
I showed her the uncle's profile on my phone. True to his carefree lifestyle, there weren't even many proper photos in his profile. Yelim noona scanned the profile with the sharp eyes of a predator hunting prey and spoke with extreme seriousness.
"There's potential, but I can't be sure."
"You don't have a boyfriend anyway, so even if it's thorny, just go for it."
Yelim noona took my phone, entered her number, and handed it back.
"Got it. This is my contact info, so please introduce us."
"Sure. I'll tell him to shave his beard and dress neatly when he meets you, noona."
"Good. If it works out, I'll ask you to officiate and sing at the wedding."
"...How am I supposed to react if you already fall into the kimchi soup triangle zone?"
But she didn't seem to hear me at all. Yelim noona stared into space with dreamy eyes, drooling.
"Three kids would be good, right? Names like Areum, Daun, Sarang."
"......Noona, stop. Everything else is fine, but please change the names."
Those names won't do. You might shed tears of blood later.
Then suddenly, the most important thing occurred to me.
"Ah, what age should I tell him you are, noona?"
"Twenty-eight."
Suddenly avoiding eye contact and giving her international age instead of Korean age—that was Yelim noona.
"What year were you born?"
"Twenty-eight."
But I was certain. She was thirty. Because even after seeing that beautiful medical pouch earlier, my dick showed no significant reaction. Yep. The ma'am detector had activated.
I smiled brightly and tried to leave the infirmary.
"I understand everything. Don't worry."
"I'm sorry!!! At least tell him twenty-nine!!!"
Suddenly Yelim noona was grabbing my pants leg and begging.
She was a shameless thirty-year-old bitch, but I'd let it slide just this once.
"Just this once."
"Thank you! Really, thank you!"
Leaving behind Yelim noona, who kept bowing in gratitude, I stepped out of the infirmary. At that moment, as if she'd just remembered, Yelim noona muttered,
"Ah, today's the seventh day since you were brought in..."
Unfortunately, I didn't hear that part.
The first thought that came to mind the moment I left the infirmary was the book. It was a bit regrettable that I'd borrowed it so diligently but hadn't even read it. According to Yelim noona, the borrowed books had already been moved to the dormitory.
But I already roughly understood my ability. There was no longer any need for books or whatever. I'd return all the kindling except for the god-tier novel 30 Regressions.
And on the way to the cafeteria, I called the uncle I'd been unable to reach earlier. The call tone rang, but he hung up as soon as he picked up. Yep. I have more time than you. I'll keep bothering you until you answer, you bastard.
Eventually, after several attempts, the call connected.
- "You crazy bastard! I'm trying to concentrate so stop calling, fuck!"
"You fucking handyman. Jerked off again, didn't you?"
- "If you know that, why the hell are you calling without reading the room? Hang up, damn it."
"We just introduced ourselves yesterday, so why are you so prickly?"
The uncle was even sharper than usual, probably because he'd been interrupted during happy time. Then he answered as if something was strange.
- "Yesterday? What the hell are you talking about. Anyway, why'd you call? Hurry up before my dick goes soft."
"You've always said 'I experienced it' whenever I asked why you act so preemptively, right?"
- "Did I?"
"How are you getting dementia already when you weren't even that accurate?"
- "My head is delicate, unlike your thick skull."
The uncle was acting all high and mighty despite having a skull as thick as mine. Seeming eager to get back to happy time, he urged me on.
- "Anyway, let's say that's true. So what?"
"I'll be direct. You can regress, can't you, sir?"
- "......Don't talk nonsense. I'm hanging up."
Since the uncle was about to hang up without answering, I quickly said,
"Acting preemptively is prediction, not the realm of experience, right?"
- "So?"
"From the moment you say you've 'experienced it,' your words should be interpreted in the realm of experience."
- "You think I can regress just from that?"
"Yes."
The uncle gave a small scoff and tried to hang up.
- "That's some serious bullshit. I don't know anything. Good luck."
"Ah, right."
The uncle didn't seem willing to answer obediently, so I threw out some bait.
"I was going to introduce you to a woman, but what a shame."
- "......Is she pretty?"
The uncle had bitten the bait. Instead of answering, I sent Yelim noona's photo through the messenger. A few seconds later, the uncle's desperate cry came through.
- "Hey! Please! Save your hyung! Please!"
"Didn't you say you were going to hang up? Goodbye."
- "Shinwoo hyung! Yes, I can regress! So please save me!"
He was so desperate that he was even using polite speech with me now. At this point, regression was no longer important to the uncle. He was just a pitiful, desperate figure struggling to seize this opportunity.
"Oh my! You seem busy, I couldn't possibly take up your time."
- "I can regress up to 30 minutes maximum! 1 hour cooldown! That's seriously all of it!!!"
"You should've said that from the beginning."
The uncle, not wanting to upset me, immediately confessed everything about his regression. Then, as if something felt off, he asked me back.
- "Hey, but how did you suddenly know about regression?"
"You find out when your head gets smashed."
- "......How do you even smash your head. Do they pour breath on it or something?"
The uncle spoke as if it was impossible, recalling how hard my head was. I briefly summarized the conclusions I'd reached and told him. That people's predictions and actions actually stemmed from regression, and my ability seemed to be reading the number of times. Finally, that since everyone had numbers floating above their heads, it seemed everyone could regress.
After hearing everything, the uncle spoke with a trembling voice full of anxiety.
- "You better not report me? I'm fucked, for real."
"If you behave nicely, I won't report you and I'll even introduce you to the woman."
- "Damn it! I believe in you! Hyungnim!"
The uncle took a few deep breaths to calm his excitement and spoke.
- "Like I said earlier, I can regress from up to about 30 minutes of the future."
"Will it be the same for other people too?"
- "How would I know that? Anyway, once I regress, I can't do it again for an hour."
"But you don't do it that often, surprisingly?"
Certainly, the number above the uncle's head wasn't as big as I'd thought. Even though the interval was short enough to regress frequently.
- "It's a sketchy ability. That's why I only use it lately when picking fap material."
"You're using something so fucking useless for that."
- "You have no choice when the cover art scams you. At least you save time."
At that moment, I remembered the first time Kang Hyuk had baited me.
"You used it when you recommended that 'masterpiece' to me too, didn't you? You bastard!!!!"
- "Honestly, it was fucking good, right?"
Because of this bastard, my PTSD is about to flare up again.
"You didn't even tell me something this important? Isn't this betrayal!"
- "Kyaa?ru?"
"But is there a reason you have to hide this so tightly?"
- "Of course."
The uncle explained as if stating common sense, sounding completely natural.
- "Regression is a type of future foresight."
"Yes, that's right."
- "I'm already a multi-ability user. What do you think would happen if they found out I could regress on top of that?"
".......Ah."
- "I'd be worked to death."
For ability users, Korea is an extremely spicy country. The treatment of ability users is garbage, yet they try to control everything. In the middle of that, if you blab that you can foresee the future? They might really lock you up somewhere.
At that moment, the uncle suddenly spoke as if he'd just remembered something.
- "Hey, wait. You said you can see numbers above everyone's heads, right?"
"For now?"
- "Then according to that, everyone should be able to regress, right?"
"That......seems right?"
When I answered hesitantly, the uncle quickly continued.
- "No, listen carefully. What do you think is the standard that determines whether someone recognizes their regression?"
"......I don't know."
- "I think it's the presence or absence of abilities."
The uncle spoke calmly, but he seemed completely certain.
"Is there any basis for that?"
- "It's not so much a basis as experience and intuition."
"That's a bit vague, isn't it?"
- "Of all the guys I've met so far, the ones who could even slightly predict my actions were all ability users."
"I see."
It was an explanation from the uncle that was somewhat convincing. At that moment, one unsettling thought occurred to me.
"Fuck."
- "What's wrong?"
"The Academy is usually only for ability users, right?"
- "That's right."
"Then literally everyone and their dog can regress?"
- "Exactly. So always assume the worst. You can't regress, so you can't just pretend it never happened."
The uncle's words suddenly made anger surge up.
"Fuck, you recommend Halkas to such a pitiful person!"
- "Ah, so that's why I told you to assume the worst."
"Ha... take care."
The moment I tried to hang up, Kang Hyuk suddenly shouted at me urgently.
- "Shinwoo hyung! The woman introduction! Please!"
"Ah, that thing?"
Now the power dynamic had completely reversed. I spoke to Kang Hyuk with as much malice as possible.
"Bark like a dog."
- "This policy will definitely be pushed as an economic policy for the common people."
"I'll give you the contact."
I was going to make him keep barking, but this couldn't be helped. Kang Hyuk must have been really desperate because he hung up immediately after receiving the contact.
While eating a late dinner at the cafeteria, I organized my thoughts.
I myself cannot regress. But I can tell whether others can regress or not. Assuming everyone at the Academy can regress. There are two types I need to be careful of.
One is people whose black numbers are extremely high compared to their red numbers. It means they've regressed many times but haven't failed much. The other is people whose black numbers are very small but who succeed suspiciously often. In this case, since they've gained enough benefits from a small number of regressions, they probably looked far into the future.
It was an unintended direction, but as a result, I now knew what my ability was. And for dinner, delicious soya came out. Could there be anything better? This is great.
"Great my ass, what's so great! You fucking bastards!!!!!"
With glucose charging my brain, my head started spinning. And I realized the most pathetic part of my ability.
Wow! You know how to regress! But I can't!
I bought a ton of soju from the Academy convenience store and headed to the dormitory. On the way, I plopped down on a bench I encountered. I immediately took out a bottle from the bag, drank straight from it like a trumpet, and spat out curses.
"Fuck!!!!"
What does it matter if I know others can regress? I can't use it myself and can only watch like a pervert. Even pathetic masturbation would be less miserable than this.
"I want to regress too, you bastards..."
Couldn't I regress too if I used the power of [Mol?ru]? [Mol?ru] doesn't exist, teacher!
I forced the bitter alcohol down my throat. But even as the liquor went down, it couldn't block the rising resentment.
"Everyone and their dog can regress!! Why can't I!!!!!"
It didn't take long for the bottle full of liquor to become an empty one. And my hand was already taking out the third bottle.
"Drink and die, fuck... There's still 5 days until classes start."
At that moment, a warning rang out from somewhere in my head. A sharp warning urging me to please check the date on my phone stimulated my brain. But what is alcohol? Doesn't it cloud judgment and cause countless accidents? That's why they say I was born by mistake. I'm a born-from-alcohol baby.
My alcohol-dulled head successfully pushed away the warning in my mind. I opened another bottle and poured it down my throat. To make sure this fucking situation didn't come to mind at all, I just fixed the soju to my mouth and poured it straight in.
Like that, in just one hour, I'd already finished off five bottles of soju. At that moment, without any warning, sleep suddenly came rushing in. There was some will to force myself to endure, but at the same time, a corner of my heart whispered not to reject this sweet temptation of sleep.
Before long, I was nodding off while still holding a soju bottle in my hand. I heard a clicking sound from somewhere, but I'd already surrendered to the temptation of sleep. In the end, without perceiving anything, I fell into a deep slumber.
The next day, a single article that attracted everyone's aggro was posted on the school newspaper. The title consisted only of provocative words: 'Fucked up my life. Committing suicide.' And the photo attached to the article was of me sleeping while holding a soju bottle.
Of course, this was a story I still didn't know about. For now, at least.