What Lies Hidden in the Secluded Mountains
After Friday, when I taught the Academy President the beauty of parting, came Saturday.
[How fortunate.]
'Fortunate is fortunate, but...'
Fortunately, facing the President brought no direct repercussions. This land was national property, not private. Releasing a personal pet without permission was obviously something to be condemned. And if that pet had disrupted the national land's ecosystem? It would never end cleanly.
'In streams, ecosystem destroyers always get dogpiled.'
[Are you not also an ecosystem destroyer?]
'What are you talking about. I've always been at the top of the ecosystem pyramid.'
[......Please refrain from judging based on the ecosystem of beasts.]
If the pet had been a cat, our cat-mom brigade would have fought tooth and nail to protect it. Fuckcats are cute, after all. But the President's pet was no fuckcat. It was a hideous, massive wild boar that the name "Cutie" suited not at all. Only butchers would welcome such a creature.
Thus, as previously stated, there were no direct disadvantages. However, perhaps because he was still the President, he began tormenting me in other ways.
"When the hell is this going to end, fuck."
Today was Saturday. A precious weekend for most people. For me, it was a week of hardship to carry out my punishment. Since it was unfair to suffer alone, I dragged my companions along half by force. Yet—
"Shinwoo, I really think I'm gonna die."
"Husband... I'm having such a hard time too."
"Master, when will this end?"
They complained about the forced march. Then came the delirium.
"Shinwoo is everywhere!"
"Oh my, Husband! Why are you stuck in the ground?"
"Master? If you're buried that deep, can you even breathe?"
"You fucking bastards, stop calling my name while looking at trash."
[Strange? What is the difference between you and trash?]
'I can still breathe, you fucking bastard.'
The whole affair began when the Lizard Beastman visited early in the morning. She abruptly handed me several items: a large plastic bag, tongs, and a lunchbox.
"Student Shinwoo. Please spend the weekend cleaning the mountain behind the cafeteria as your punishment."
"Suddenly?"
"Yes. The reason for punishment is violation of maintaining dignity toward the President. This one stings quite a bit. Protesting would only make things worse."
"......It's fine if I bring other people, right?"
"Yes, as long as you faithfully carry out the punishment."
The content was simple: clean the mountain behind the cafeteria. In other words, spend the entire weekend picking up trash in the mountains. The stated reason was "violation of maintaining dignity"—a charge that could be slapped on anything if someone wanted to.
And so here we were.
"Shinwoo, bring the trash you've collected. Let's burn it first."
"Husband! Since it's come to this, let's roast some sweet potatoes!"
"Elsia, why roast sweet potatoes over a trash fire?"
"If there's fire, we roast. Is there a problem?"
"...First, throw away those colorful mushrooms. You look like you'll only get to eat them once in your life."
After burning the collected trash to make a makeshift campfire, hunger suddenly struck. Checking the time, it was already lunchtime. Fortunately, we had the lunchbox the Lizard Beastman had prepared that morning. We found a suitable spot to eat.
"Let's eat first and continue."
The lunchbox contents were better than expected: still-warm rice, fried sausages, and various meat side dishes. Thankfully, there were no bug dishes that lizards supposedly enjoyed.
"Husband! Give me just a little!"
"Sure."
The moment I opened the lunchbox, Elsia instantly snatched the main side dishes and shoved them into her mouth—literally almost all of them.
"...You said 'a little,' you ear-fucking bitch."
Elsia's eyes, which had been eating as if possessed, finally focused. She soon wore a gloomy expression and apologized.
"Ah... I'm doing it again... I'm sorry."
"Phew... Can't be helped."
I checked what remained in the lunchbox. Only plain rice, seaweed, slightly grilled chicken breast, and stir-fried kimchi were left. Still, there was enough to eat. Then my gaze shifted to Elsia. She had lowered her head, staring at her right hand while muttering something.
"Why do I keep doing this? It's safe here now, so why..."
I couldn't catch the words, but another sound reached me.
— Grumble.
A primal sound of hunger. The source was Elsia.
[She seems quite hungry.]
'Looking at it, she didn't even pack proper food.'
I handed half the lunchbox to Elsia.
"What are you going to do if you dump all your meal money into coins? Eat quickly."
"Thank you, Husband! But don't worry! It will definitely go up!"
"Yeah, sure it will."
Meanwhile, Hye-ji and Jung Ayeon were sharing the combat rations Hye-ji had brought. Once everyone finished eating, we resumed picking up trash. However—
"Fuck, why are condoms and cigarettes the majority?"
There was far too much disgusting trash. Whether from outdoor escapades or not, condoms and cigarettes appeared after just a few steps—far more than discarded cup noodles or gimbap. Some condoms weren't even tied at the end. It was truly insane.
'Are you the only ones having sex, you bastards?'
[Everyone except you is doing it.]
A wave of existential dread hit, and I sighed without realizing it.
"Damn, they're colorful as hell. Infinity condoms?"
"Husband. I find these condom remnants so filthy every time I see them."
Elsia had appeared at my side without me noticing. She regarded the condom remnants with mild disgust.
"Unexpectedly, we agree. Who does this shit in a sacred educational place?"
"Pregnancy is proof of love. It's not scary, so why use condoms?"
"......"
It was a line I'd heard somewhere before.
'That probably has numbers floating in her pupils.'
[My dear! A criticism has been raised—do not do that again! Plus, not even seventy-two hours have passed!]
'Ah, fuck. Right.'
Thanks to Elsia's remark, the atmosphere suddenly grew heavy, completely unfitting for a light novel tag. Meanwhile, Hye-ji had begun muttering seriously from a distance. I couldn't hear clearly, but an ominous feeling rose.
"Would two kids be enough... No, should there be three?"
"Hye-ji? Are you all right? Are you unwell?"
Anyway, we couldn't stop. Punishment was punishment. The trash expedition resumed its march.
"Husband! There's something over there!"
After roughly two hours of trash collection, Elsia suddenly raised her hand and pointed. It was strange—she had pointed into the dense forest where nothing was clearly visible.
"Elsia? Where exactly?"
"Over there! The spirits told me!"
"Hey, Canf. If this is bullshit, I'll roast you again."
"No, Hye-ji unni! This time it's real!"
The previous spar between Hye-ji and Elsia had ended in Hye-ji's overwhelming victory. Naturally. Of course, Elsia wasn't weak either—she was Gold rank, after all. Her ability to manifest butterflies had considerable utility, whether binding opponents or defending herself. However—
'...Fuck, Hye-ji's setting is way too strong.'
[You should have written the novel properly from the beginning.]
'No, did I write that? Some crazy bastard did.'
Against overwhelming violence, utility meant nothing. After that day, their titles had changed. Hye-ji called Elsia "Canf." Elsia called Hye-ji "unni."
Anyway, we began walking in the direction Elsia indicated. Roughly thirty minutes passed. While I was stopping Hye-ji—who, bored out of her mind, was trying to burn the forest—a villa that didn't match the surrounding environment came into view.
"It was real?"
"I told you! It's really true!"
"Canf, honestly I didn't believe it either."
Then I remembered what Elsia had said earlier about hearing the spirits.
"But Elsia? Hearing the spirits' words—don't tell me you're a spiritist too?"
"No. We're not that close. They only make noise when they need something."
"Hey, Canf. Aren't elves supposed to have max affinity with spirits?"
At that moment, Elsia wore an extremely wronged expression.
"When I tried to dissect them a little, they suddenly cut ties afterward. It was absurd."
"....What?????"
"......The reason you were discriminated against seems less about being mixed-blood and more about just being crazy."
"Ah! We've arrived!"
The villa's appearance was peculiar. From afar, I had assumed something this deep in the mountains was practically abandoned—accessibility was that terrible. Yet the moment I approached and saw the exterior, I had to admit I was wrong. It was extremely luxurious. The structures were spotless, without a speck of dust. Someone had clearly been maintaining it until recently.
Tension rising at the thought of possibly encountering a suspicious person, I approached—only for the villa door to open. And what emerged was—
"Shinwoo student?!"
"...Why is noona coming out from there?"
None other than the Lizard Beastman. The same one I had met briefly that morning, now stepping out of the villa in maid attire, holding cleaning tools. She had probably been cleaning. Clearly unprepared for this situation, she began to panic visibly—even through her lizard face.
"Ho... how did you get here?"
"We were picking up trash and ended up here. Is this perhaps your property?"
"No. That's not it, but..."
She began to trail off. But her answer was already enough. The moment we heard it wasn't her property, we started heading inside without hesitation. Only then did the Lizard Beastman desperately try to stop us.
"Huh? Ah! You can't! You mustn't come in!"
Of course, we ignored the plea. Who would kick us out when she wasn't even the owner? We forced our way inside. The interior was truly luxurious. Though I'd never visited one, it had all the basic amenities of a high-end pension. Some rooms even featured a study. However, there was one oddity: only the room with the study had its own bathroom.
'There's already a bathroom outside, so why put one here?'
[Something feels off.]
Especially when Jung Ayeon and I, drawn to the study, entered the room, the Lizard Beastman began trembling. She looked restless, as though treasure lay hidden inside.
'Treasure... One Piece is here!'
[Search! The entire world is here!]
The study shelves were packed with books. Genres varied, but they shared one trait: all were male-oriented novels brimming with harem elements. All except one volume.
Regressor Usage Manual
That novel had veered into romance with a man midway through its run—carefully, fatally, like sinking into a swamp. Though only one copy sat there, my novel-values could never forgive its existence.
'Kill it. You're kindling material.'
[The only drift this body accepts is Mario Kart drift!]
After condensing all my hatred, I grabbed the book and yanked. It slid out only partway before stopping. Instead, a clicking sound came from the bookshelf.
'Huh???????? What is this??'
[Ah???????? What is this??]
Part of the bookshelf rotated. Unintentionally, we had discovered a secret passage within the villa.