Enough with the Jokes (3)

Jokes are fine once. Twice? That's not a joke anymore—it's straight-up malice.

'What the hell? This crazy bitch got kicked out but snuck back in to pull this shit again?'

The fact that the world had stopped no longer mattered. I was just pissed off.

'You fucking bitch. You think I'll fall for the same trick twice? Get lost. I'm seriously screwed here.'

'You got dragged out earlier—when the hell did you sneak back in? Just stop interfering and get lost already!'

But the other party had zero intention of listening. Plus, a random voice suddenly ringing inside my head? I'd heard there were voice phishing scams like this these days, but it wasn't going to work on me.

'You're a voice phisher, aren't you? Are you Chinese-Korean by any chance?'

'I don't want any gift cards, you bitch!! And I'm not doing any cam shows either!!'

'I support Tibetan independence!! If you're not Chinese-Korean, then call Xi Jinping a son of a bitch!!'

'Aaaagh!!!!!!! Stop yelling!!!!!!!!!'

My head started ringing. Even though the world had stopped, it felt like my vision was spinning. Like someone had stuck my brain in a washing machine on spin cycle.

'Sorry, I got scammed by a voice phisher earlier, so...'

'I listened quietly earlier and it bit me in the ass, that's why. Fuck.'

I decided to behave for now since it didn't seem like a voice phishing scam after all, and quietly looked around. A frozen world. My entire body tied up. An axe hurtling toward me. And finally, that shitty Lucian bastard's face. The conclusion was obvious.

'What else? I'm fucked.'

'Are you mocking me?'

The voice in my head chuckled softly before continuing.

'Can't you just say I can't win instead of phrasing it like that? If that's the case, just leave, lady.'

'By the way, hearing "Observer" makes me think of that one novel with the solo observer viewpoint. Can you change it to Monitor instead?'

That damn parkour novel was a no-go. Especially since it got reported right from the start.

'But what exactly are you going to do? I'm literally about to die here.'

'.......Who are you?'

No one should know. But the person currently speaking inside my head knew me. And quite intimately at that. An inexplicable tension gripped my body, but the other party didn't seem particularly bothered.

'...Because I can peep at other people's regression counts?'

'No, seriously, what do I look like to you? Everyone says I seem mentally deficient.'

'Mommy.'

The voice cleared its throat and continued.

'I never asked to be a Monitor or anything. Besides, I'm living just fine.'

'......Yeah, that's true.'

Suddenly my mood turned a bit sour. Hitting me right in the sore spot like that.

'But does that matter right now?'

'Huh? You're giving me an ability? Thank you, Goddess-nim!'

All tension toward the other party vanished instantly. If they were giving me an ability, they were obviously on my side. I quickly requested the ability I wanted.

'Please give me the power to stop time.'

'The Time Stop genre is kinda hot, you know.'

What is a man's romance, after all? Invisibility. Stopping time. Hypnosis apps. If you're going to receive an ability, shouldn't it be something close to those dreams?

'Will that actually help?'

'What kind?'

'What is this, a gacha box?'

Fuck. So this is what it feels like to be the protagonist of a female-to-male possession story. Please don't give me anything shitty. Like that Black London Saga crap.

'You said mana would appear too. What about strengthening my body with mana?'

It was true. For someone with ambiguous talent like me to suddenly get body reinforcement would be a stupid development. It would create a point where people would bite my head off saying 'This breaks plausibility, you hack.'

Then a question suddenly occurred to me.

'Wait, what exactly is a Monitor? Like, the metaverse Monitor or something?'

'Ah.'

With those words, time slowly began returning to normal. And once again, I felt pressure at my fingertips.

'Oh right. I was about to die.'

The axe began digging into the split tip of the sword, cutting more than halfway through it. I instantly twisted my right wrist inward, the one holding the sword. The unexpected direction of force made the axe slip. Lucian clearly wasn't used to handling weapons, because that alone was enough to make him easily drop the axe.

"Huh?"

Confusion slowly crept across Lucian's face. An expression that said he couldn't understand the current situation at all.

On the other hand, my body felt different from before. Although my flesh was exhausted to its limit, I could feel a faint power spreading through every corner of my body. It was the basic physical stat improvement that came with awakening an ability.

'Phase 2, let's go, you whiny bastard.'

I yanked my right foot back, snapping the vines. Before the weakly snapping vines could even disappear with a *snap*, I quickly kicked Lucian in the stomach. He staggered back with a sound like air escaping.

In that opening, I forcefully snapped the vines on my left arm and left leg as well.

"You! You! How!"

Lucian's following cry of shock. From his perspective, it must have been absurd. How could a guy who was on the verge of death suddenly display this kind of strength?

In my right hand was the longsword with the axe halfway embedded in it. I grabbed the axe handle with my left hand and yanked it out with all my strength. The sight was like Varian splitting his sword into dual blades.

......No. This time, I'm going to win. Dual-wielding isn't a symbol of defeat.

I thrust my sword at the stunned Lucian. A split sword wouldn't be very effective at slashing, but stabbing would still carry plenty of power. To block it, the spirit—who had been wary of me unlike Lucian—unleashed another shockwave.

My right hand bounced back, and the sword I was holding flew far away. No matter how much my physical specs had improved, it still meant my body was exhausted. Otherwise, I would never have let go.

But the same was true for the opponent. After the spirit's defense, Lucian's face suddenly crumpled. What came out of his mouth was a scream-like question.

"This can't be! Why! Where did you go! Why aren't you answering!"

'That was the spirit's last desperate act.'

I slammed the axe in my left hand down on Lucian's right shoulder while he was still disoriented. But somehow the number above his head had gone up again—Lucian quickly grew two trees to protect his shoulder.

An obstacle suddenly appeared in the axe's path. Naturally the axe got stuck in it, but it didn't matter much. The trees were already weakened to the brink. I clenched my right hand into a fist and smashed it down hard on the axe head. It was the sight of a nail-like axe being hammered by a fist.

- CRACK!!

The axe shattered the tree, sending wooden fragments flying everywhere. Through the scattering splinters, the axe mercilessly dug into Lucian's shoulder. To the sound of Lucian's scream as background music, the red number above his head went up.

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaagh!!"

As if responding to Lucian's scream, trees all stabbed toward my left arm, which was trying to pull the axe free. They were already rotten and easy to break, but their tips were still sharp. Several trees pierced my left arm, then gruesomely tore the limb off below the shoulder.

"Kyaaaaagh!!! It hurts so fucking bad!!!"

My left arm was gone. But I still had my right arm. I gripped the axe handle with my right hand and yanked it out with all my might. A red curtain of blood painted the sky along the axe's path. Seeing that beautiful artwork, Lucian's complexion turned deathly pale.

"To a mere short-lived species like this!!!"

"You've been a pain in the ass for three whole chapters. Time to go! I'll send you to heaven!"

I stepped forward, chasing after the retreating Lucian. Moving forward was far more advantageous than backing up. The distance closed in an instant. And there was enough room for the axe.

Now it was time to borrow the power of that hyung-nim from upstairs.

It began by chopping off Lucian's left arm. Using his scream ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as my work song, I next sliced off his right arm with the axe. At the same time, I stomped on his left foot with my right. With Lucian pinned in place and unable to escape, I hacked into his left thigh with the axe. Finally, I mocked the pathetically collapsed Lucian and finished the technique by chopping into his right thigh.

Aah... So this is it, Sir Ian. I've realized it once again.

For the finale, I slammed the axe down hard into the center of Lucian's skull, turning his single core into a dual core. With that, the dueling arena system shut down.

The wounds returned to normal. I stood still for a moment, savoring that sensation, then muttered quietly in the middle of the arena.

"I ripped him apart."

Fuck.

Still, maybe because he had quite the thick skull, Lucian quickly came to his senses the moment the dueling arena system ended. He immediately stood up and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠started pointing at me.

"There's no way I lost! This is invalid!!"

"Let's not talk bullshit. I ripped you apart."

"This kind of thing! It doesn't make any sense!!"

Lucian couldn't contain his rage and grabbed me by the collar. He was protesting so passionately that he forgot all about dignity, spitting everywhere. The daggers at his feet clattered against each other with a metallic ring, but Lucian's gaze was fixed solely on me.

"You definitely used some trick, didn't you!"

"The one who can't accept getting his ass beaten is the one talking about tricks, you fuck."

"I won't accept this! I won't accept it!"

"What are you gonna do if you lose even after taking drugs? I heard there's even a true wizard who takes drugs somewhere."

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!"

Lucian clutched his head and screamed. But the screaming wasn't limited to Lucian alone. The students who had bet on Lucian were wailing just like him.

Sweet, so sweet. It was truly delightful. Of course, not all the cries were like that.

They looked incredibly happy. Seeing that, I couldn't help but smile too.

The moment I started walking toward my companions, Lucian suddenly screamed and charged at me. In his hand was one of the daggers that had fallen to the ground earlier.

"I will never acknowledge an inferior species like you!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You shitty bitch, you're terrible at games though."

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"Everyone shut up!!!!!"

Lucian charged forward, ignoring even the professor's warning. I tried to dodge by stepping back, but I was a little too slow to react to the sudden attack. The dagger swung vertically from bottom to top. Its trajectory was etched into my left eye.

- Slice!!

"Ouch, that stings!"

I quickly knocked Lucian's left hand away, but the momentum of his charge transferred into my body. I was on the verge of falling backward. As I desperately searched for something to brace myself on, my right hand unconsciously grabbed something.

It was Lucian's long, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠flowing golden hair.

Before I could even register what I was holding, a shockwave suddenly slammed into my body. The spirit had reacted the moment it regained its senses. Whether that action was wise or not was somewhat questionable, though.

- Riiiiiiip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to the completely unexpected attack, I was sent flying far away. The moment I slowly got up after rolling across the ground—

The dueling arena was suddenly wrapped in silence.

It was strange. Why was everyone so quiet? What had happened?

Then I looked at my right hand.

"....Huh?"

In my hand—whose physical specs had been enhanced—was a fistful of Lucian's hair. Plus, with the steel gauntlet on, unless it was a special situation, I wouldn't let go of something I was gripping. And the spirit that had just regained consciousness had forcibly pushed me away.

The result?

In my right hand was most of Lucian's brilliant golden hair.

This situation was something I had never predicted at all. I stared at the hair in my right hand with wide eyes, then slowly shifted my gaze to Lucian.

Lucian's head was almost completely bald, save for a few patches on both sides. In that state, he couldn't say a word. He simply stared at the hair in my right hand—the hair that had once been his—with hollow eyes.

"....."

"......"

"......"

"Sorry."

The final nail in the coffin for the already crumbling Lucian was driven in by none other than Kyoko.

Kyoko pointed at Lucian's head and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠burst into laughter.

"Koitsu www his head is all kira kira na wwwwwwwwwwwwww"

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!"

Only Kyoko's laughter echoed clearly throughout the dueling arena. Followed by Lucian's scream. And then he fainted.

For an enemy, it was a rather pitiful ending.

'....I'm really sorry.'