This Can't Be Helped
Currently, inside an old warehouse. A very diverse mix of races had gathered here. Six furries, one nekomimi, two humans, one elf. It had become quite the politically correct space.
In the exact center stood a brand-new desk and two chairs facing each other—completely out of place amid the dilapidated surroundings. Caersi and I sat in the respective seats while the rest of the group naturally positioned themselves behind each of us, clearly signaling which faction they belonged to.
It was a hair-trigger standoff, everyone glaring at one another with murderous intent. In the middle of that tense deadlock, Caersi spoke.
At Caersi’s signal, the leader paladin stepped forward and held out a golden bracelet engraved with several white crosses. While I examined it, Caersi crossed her arms and declared proudly.
According to Caersi’s explanation, the bracelet forced its wearer to speak only the truth. If the statement was true, the white crosses engraved on it would fill with gold. If it was a lie, a sword made of light would pierce the wearer’s neck.
"Is this thing even working properly?"
To verify the bracelet’s functionality, I slipped it onto Hyeji first and asked a question only she could answer with zero wiggle room.
"You fucking bastard!!!!"
Performance testing is essential.
Hyeji’s rage suddenly flared. Then she looked away from me and quietly muttered.
"I’m AAA…"
- Clang!
A sword of light suddenly materialized, its edge gleaming with lethal intent as it aimed straight at Hyeji’s throat. Staring at the blade, Hyeji groaned in misery.
".......Not that. Zero size."
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
One of the paladins pointed at her and began to laugh. However—
"Hahahahaha!!! Smaller than our Saintess! What kind of human bitc—"
- BOOM!!!!
The laughter never finished. Hyeji had materialized a scrap-metal rod and launched it like a kinetic projectile. It looked exactly like a miniature version of the mass weapon known as the Staff of God.
The paladin’s armor was crushed at the point of impact. He slammed deep into the wall and passed out on the spot. Hyeji stared at the remaining paladins with ice-cold eyes.
"""We’ll clean it up!"""
The paladins hurriedly dragged the unconscious man outside and tossed him out of the warehouse. Meanwhile, Hyeji turned her head and glared at me with murderous fury.
I avoided eye contact with her as much as possible, quickly retrieved the bracelet, and slipped it onto Elsia. Before the flustered elf could remove it, I fired off my question.
"......."
Elsia said nothing. She simply smiled. Then, without the slightest change in expression, she shamelessly declared.
"Eighty-nine…"
- Clang!
Another sword of light appeared, aiming at Elsia’s neck. But her reaction was slightly different from Hyeji’s.
"S-stop it-nya!!!"
- Crack!!!!!
Elsia materialized white thorn vines that seized both the sword of light and the bracelet, crushing them. Despite Caersi’s screams, the bracelet shattered into pieces under Elsia’s power, and the sword of light vanished the instant the artifact broke.
Caersi and Hyeji stared at the wreckage with hollow eyes.
One of the paladins spoke in a trembling voice.
"Now I understand! That elf! The scent was familiar!"
"What do you mean-nya?"
Caersi asked for clarification. The paladin continued, shaking like a leaf.
"It was the scent of a distant ancestor who passed away long ago—"
"Shh! It’s bedtime!"
Elsia snapped her fingers. Thorn vines wrapped around the speaking paladin’s neck and knocked him unconscious. The other paladins didn’t even wait for orders; they simply carried the fainted man outside.
The leader paladin cleared his throat, produced yet another bracelet, and handed it to Caersi. She passed it to me.
"Hey, it feels wrong if only I wear it."
Instead of putting it on, I spun the bracelet around my finger.
"You put your own neck on the line too. If you’re scared, just die."
"Is the world-famous Saintess always this foul-mouthed? Scared?"
Caersi laughed heartily and slipped the bracelet onto her own wrist.
"……You crazy bitch, why bet money?"
"……I got too into it-nya."
Caersi scratched her head with an embarrassed look. Before I put on the bracelet, I asked her one thing.
"Hey, is it okay for your paladins to hear this? Is the content something they’re allowed to know?"
"Ah…… right-nya. All of you, leave-nya."
But Caersi’s order must have been too shocking. The paladins didn’t move; they simply hesitated in place. The leader finally spoke with solemn authority to the three remaining men.
"The Saintess has spoken. Everyone, leave."
"""Yes!"""
With that, only our group and Caersi remained inside the warehouse.
"You’re not sending them away-nya?"
"I already told them everything."
"Hmm…. understood-nya! But no one interfere-nya! I’ll ask first-nya!"
Caersi cleared her throat a couple of times. The atmosphere instantly grew sharp and murderous. Within that heavy silence, she looked at me with quiet fury.
"No."
I answered calmly while meeting her purple eyes that still burned with rage.
"It is certainly true that I did it. But it was absolutely not by my will."
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
Now it was my turn.
"Tell me everything about how it reached that conclusion."
"Actually, I don’t remember it well-nya…"
Caersi scratched her head.
"It only happened twice, but I only remember the final time-nya… I have no memory of the middle at all-nya."
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
"Fuck, it really is true?"
"If I had remembered from the start, I would have beaten the crap out of you the moment you arrived-nya."
One of the white crosses on Caersi’s bracelet had also turned gold. Now it was her turn again.
She glanced at the group standing behind me, then whispered quietly.
She kept sneaking glances at the people behind me. I looked her straight in the eye.
"No, regression is impossible for me."
Caersi’s ears and tail fur stood on end as she snapped at me. I continued without flinching.
"I swear on my mom."
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
"Why is it actually true-nya!!!!!!!!!!"
Caersi clutched her head in frustration. Ignoring her, I asked my next question.
"You’re a fake beastman, right? Those cat ears and tail are obviously just cosplay."
"No-nya!! I am a hybrid of human and beastman-nya!!!"
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
"Shit, it really is half-and-half with extra cat features."
"Then it’s my turn again-nya."
Caersi steadied her breathing and spoke with extreme tension.
"It’s possible because I can view fragments of other people’s regressions under limited conditions."
One white cross on the Bracelet of Truth has turned gold.
"……It really was true-nya."
"No more questions, right?"
"……That is correct-nya."
Caersi wore an utterly dejected expression, looking as if she might collapse where she stood. But I still had one question left. This was the final one.
"No-nya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yet Caersi’s bracelet showed no reaction. No sword of light appeared either. It simply remained inert.
"Hey, it’s not reacting?"
"…….Strange-nya."
Just in case, I slowly pushed my chair backward to create distance.
"Don’t come any closer, you dick bastard."
"I have never once worn such a hideous thing in my entire life-nya!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Despite Caersi’s desperate scream, the bracelet remained completely still. She looked up at the ceiling, arms outstretched, and offered a prayer that wasn’t quite a prayer.
Even after that desperate plea, Caersi’s bracelet didn’t budge. But then—
- Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!!
Suddenly the bracelet activated, instantly turning a huge number of white crosses gold. It looked like someone was frantically clicking in a region with extremely high ping.
Must be made by Samsung? Probably turned on GOS.
As if Caersi’s scream had moved the heavens, the bracelet finally functioned. I looked at it and told her.
"Aah, so you really are a girl. I acknowledge it."
With that, our interrogation finally ended.
The next day, Caersi came to find us while we sat in our usual seats. Behind her, three paladins and the leader paladin glared with eyes that were swollen black and blue. I didn’t like the look of it, so I asked with a sullen face.
"What."
"Then why did you come? Here to pick a fight?"
"Instead."
Caersi placed both hands on her hips, thrust out her chest, and declared.
"Do as you like. Hurry up and go on your way."
Then Caersi suddenly held out her hand.
"What’s this now?"
"Really?"
I had also prepared a reconciliation gift, so I handed it over. But the moment Caersi saw it, her face froze.
"I heard the King of Cats likes them?"
The King of Dogs will call her obsolete the moment he sees her. She’s not an investment target like Brother Hui.
The moment the group saw the cigarettes, they glared at me with sharp eyes.
"Hey, Kim Shinu. You smoke?"
"Husband! You don’t actually smoke those, right?"
"My lord, tobacco is bad for the body."
"No, I don’t. Stop assuming I smoke."
You fucking bastard.
At that moment I noticed one paladin flinch at the sight of the cigarettes. I took the unopened pack back from Caersi and approached him.
As I drew near, he spoke in a strained voice.
"What is it!"
"Do you need these by any chance?"
"Ah, no!"
But your hands are shaking. I subtly passed the cigarettes to the paladin.
"It’s nothing special, just a simple gesture of goodwill. Please take it."
"Ahem! If it’s like this, it can’t be helped! From now on you may call me uncle!"
"Yes, uncle! Next time I’ll bring you a whole carton!"
"Hmm hmm! If something like that happens, I can really let you call me brother, so be careful!"
Caersi, who had watched the entire exchange, looked like she was rotting in real time.
"S-Saintess!"
""Yes!""
Just before they dragged him out of the classroom, the paladin used monstrous strength to shake off the other two and ran straight to Caersi. Kneeling on one knee before her icy gaze, he spoke with grave determination.
"Saintess!"
"……Please let me have just one puff."
- Clang!!!
A huge yellow cat paw materialized from Caersi’s hand and smacked the paladin flying. He let out a bright metallic clang like a tin can being kicked and shot straight through the gap in the open classroom door without even a final scream.
Is that Neko Palm?
Seeing that, I told Caersi.
"Looking at them now, all your paladins are total trash tier, huh?"
""Yes!""
While Caersi muttered in a depressed voice, the two remaining paladins also left the classroom. Now only Caersi and the leader paladin remained.
Caersi dissipated the cat paw and reached out to me once more.
"Well, I can overlook that, but aren’t you being awfully casual about deciding to become friends?"
"What’s the problem-nya?"
When Caersi tilted her head, I rubbed my thumb and forefinger together.
"Money. It’s money."
"To become friends you have to pay the friend fee. That’s common sense."
The moment I finished speaking, Hyeji and Elsia handed me white envelopes.
"Shinu, this month’s friend fee."
"Husband! I’ll pay two months of friend fees in advance!"
"Jeong Ayeon, you should contribute too."
Jeong Ayeon stared at me with an expression of pure disbelief.
"Miss Jeong Ayeon, thank you for all your hard work. It’s time for you to return to your original classroom, isn’t it?"
"Here it is."
The instant I spoke politely, Jeong Ayeon quickly handed over the cash. It was a little short, however.
"This only covers fifteen days. Bring the same amount again."
"You son of a bitch."
For a split second Jeong Ayeon’s concept completely broke. Watching her, Caersi turned to the leader paladin.
"Yes, here it is."
The leader paladin pulled a large bag from behind his cloak and handed it to me. Caersi grinned.
When I opened the bag, it was packed full of high-denomination bills. The dizzying smell of money nearly paralyzed my brain. It seized both my eyes and nose at once.
Is this the suspicious-money-furry (a furry with suspiciously much money)?
When I looked at Caersi with wide eyes, she reached out once more.
"Hey… if it’s like this…"
My sense of reason, which had fled at the unrealistic amount, returned. I began thinking coldly. Staring at Caersi with slightly sunken eyes, I reconsidered.
Buying friendship with money. A moment ago it had been half a joke, yet she had taken it completely seriously. I felt a twinge of disappointment at this materialistic Saintess and almost refused. Perhaps that was why.
I firmly grasped the hand Caersi had extended.
"We are best tomodachi starting today!!!!!!!!"
I shook it up and down with great vigor. There was simply too much money to refuse.