Stars Beyond Reach
Though I harbored hatred, envy, and jealousy...
“That’s overestimating me.”
Jo-hwa had completely lost her reason, and her state was no less unstable than Narae’s. Time was shorter than I’d expected, and the situation was growing more serious by the second. When was the last time I’d felt this kind of pressure—still grinding away at a problem while the clock ran out and no answer came into view?
“No! I’ve never underestimated you, and I’ve never overestimated you either. I’m begging you. Please save Narae. I don’t want to lose anyone else... not again.”
“......”
I didn’t even have room to notice how badly Jo-hwa was wrinkling the uniform she clutched. I could feel the violent trembling in the hands that clung to my clothes and pleaded with me. It wasn’t the kind of shaking that came from crying.
What should I say to make this benefit me? What kind of deal would work best?
I tried thinking it through, but it all felt pointless. I never imagined I’d ever find a transaction pointless. Why? I didn’t know. Probably.
“Hey.”
“Hm?”
Jo-hwa answered in a voice thick with tears, her face still twisted in a miserable expression. It would probably do her good to be this honest in front of other people too. I couldn’t understand why she insisted on living in a way that was so hard, so exhausting, so difficult.
“If I save Yoon Narae, what can you do for me?”
“Huh...?”
The way she blankly echoed the question back at me looked almost comical. Whether past or present, the only thing that had changed was her outward appearance. Every now and then—rarely, but still—she would show an unexpected side. Then again, if someone were perfect, they’d be a god, not a person.
“Uh, so... that is—”
I could see her scrambling to think of something. The sudden ambush had thrown her off; nothing was coming to mind.
“If I save Yoon Narae, don’t bother me any more than this from now on.”
“......What do you mean?”
She was pretending not to know on purpose, wasn’t she?
“We made a deal a month ago. Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten? You’ve been breaking the terms of that deal lately.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. You’ve been getting too friendly with me in places where a lot of people can see.”
“......Tch......”
“?”
“No, it’s nothing.”
“So? Your answer?”
“Fine.”
Heh. Am I finally free of Jo-hwa’s clutches?
“Deal’s sealed. I don’t think I can do this alone. I might need you to help me.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted. As Narae’s best friend, I hate just standing by and watching. Even if Narae hates me and doesn’t want me coming near her, I’m ready to get hurt if that’s what it takes. Getting hurt is... something I’m used to.”
Right after school I took a taxi straight to Yoon Narae’s hospital room. Talking Jo-hwa out of coming along had been a real sweat, but the thought that this was the real thing now left me tense in a way I rarely felt.
What if the me of now is no different from the me who couldn’t do a single thing for my sister back then?
I couldn’t help feeling uneasy. The image of my fragile little sister crying alone, holding her breath, rose up vivid and clear.
What if I fail? What if—just what if—Narae never comes back? What would I feel then? Regret? Rage? Self-reproach?
Damn it. This isn’t like me. If there’s no progress today... I’ll have no choice but to ask my sister for help.
I slapped my own cheek hard, trying to drive the anxiety out. I was standing in front of Narae’s room taking a deep breath when—
“Han Jo Yul...? What are you doing there? You’re not hitting your own face, are you? Are you hurt somewhere?”
“!”
Yoon Narae’s voice came from behind me. I turned and found her in a hospital gown, staring at me with an incredulous look. Compared to just two days ago, she looked even more haggard; it was plain to see. Her expression might have been one of disbelief, but there was no life in her eyes, and the emotion in her voice was close to none at all. It felt a little uncanny, like I was talking to a doll.
“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting a patient.”
“Is that so? Then come in.”
“......”
I quietly followed Yoon Narae into the single room. No one else was inside.
“You’re alone?”
“Yeah. My parents said they had something to take care of and stepped out for a bit.”
“You okay?”
“About what?”
“You’re sick and there’s no one here.”
“Ah. That’s what you meant. Yeah, I’m fine. This is more comfortable, actually.”
“?”
“What?”
“......Never mind. How’s your body?”
“Same as always. But I’ll be able to take the mock exams.”
“Pushing yourself again?”
“Is that not allowed?”
“......”
She’d gone crooked. Or maybe she thought this was only natural. That was why she kept living solely to meet other people’s expectations, even while knowing her body was falling apart, pretending not to notice.
I’d never once seen the usual Yoon Narae refuse a request from anyone at school. Back then I’d just thought she was a bit of a strange kid. I never dreamed things would spiral this far.
“You need to think about your own body.”
“......That again?”
Should I push harder here?
“Am I the weird one?”
“......”
“Isn’t this just normal thinking?”
“......”
Yoon Narae didn’t answer; she seemed absorbed in her studies. Whether she was actually studying or only pretending, I couldn’t tell, but her eyes and voice were still dead.
“You’re working yourself too hard. Do you still not get it? Or are you just pretending not to? Why are you so busy reading other people’s faces? What makes you burn yourself up trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations?”
“......”
The hand moving the pen stopped cold.
“Think about the people who worry when you’re sick. Your family. Your friends.”
“Family... friends... you say?”
“?”
“I know! I know already! Even if my brain feels like it’s about to burst and my heart’s being crushed, I can’t stop because of the people who expect things from me. When I think of them, I have to keep running...! My bones are ground down and my nerves are so overworked I can’t feel anything. It feels like I have no senses left—it’s so hard I want to die! You said it last time, didn’t you? That you don’t expect anything from me, and that other people probably don’t either. Do you still think that? Do you still not expect anything from me? Well? Say it. Hurry!”
“......”
This was serious. She didn’t even seem to recognize that living up to other people’s expectations was the wrong thing to do in the first place. What on earth had made Yoon Narae like this? Had she been this way since she was little? It would probably be good to dig into the cause of her change. Maybe asking Jo-hwa would give me some answers.
“See? You said that too, but in the end it was just a lie for my sake, wasn’t it?”
“I don’t think there’s a single thing I’m behind you in. There’s nothing for me to expect from you. We’re not even close enough to lean on each other without hesitation in the first place. Say it yourself. What do you think you’re better at than me?”
“Uh...? That, that’s...!”
She couldn’t finish the sentence. Of course she couldn’t. Neither of us knew the other well enough for that.
“You only expect things from and rely on people who are better than you. I don’t particularly want anything from you.”
“Ha, hahaha.................. I don’t know why, but right now that arrogance of yours is kind of nice. Really.”
“You’re too kind.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
The atmosphere improved, if only a little. I could see a faint smile, a faint spark of life. Yeah. I’d settle for this for now. Going home and getting my sister’s help seemed like the wiser move.
After talking with Yoon Narae a while longer, I handed her the class notes Jo-hwa had put together and left the hospital. What surprised me was that she took the notes without a word—I’d been sure she would refuse them. I hoped that was a good sign.
After a string of admissions and discharges, we somehow managed to get through the mock exams. And today was the day the results came out. I couldn’t help being more nervous than usual. My body and mind were still a complete mess. They still were now, but on exam day it had been beyond words.
Report cards were handed out starting from attendance number one. My turn came quickly; I took mine and went straight back to my seat. Then I opened it.
I opened it, and.....................
Average / 83 points
“......?”
For a moment I had no choice but to doubt my own eyes. My condition on exam day had definitely been bad. The worst. But I’d been sure. No—I’d been certain. That I’d score ninety or higher. But, but————
83 points...? 83 points, you say...?
—————I couldn’t accept reality. Even a 95 wouldn’t have guaranteed I could beat Jo-hwa, and all I got was a measly 83? There was no room for excuses. No matter how many times I closed my eyes, opened them, rubbed them with my hands, the number didn’t change.
No. No way! 83 points? Ha, hahaha. There’s no way a joke score like this could come out!
Then our homeroom teacher’s words reached me, and I couldn’t think of anything at all.
“Everyone, a round of applause for Jo-hwa, who scored a perfect average of 100.”
100 points............?
I stared blankly at Jo-hwa looking embarrassed, and no sound reached me at all. She was so far away my hand couldn’t touch her, so dazzling I couldn’t even look at her straight on.
I felt it instinctively.
I cannot defeat Jo-hwa.
I am human, and Jo-hwa is a star hanging in the sky.
A star no human can reach no matter how far they stretch their hand—that is Jin Jo-hwa.
Ha, hahaha. What have I even been doing all this time..............................................................?