Though She Harbored Hatred, Envy, and Jealousy
Though she harbored hatred, envy, and jealousy…
The vacant look on Yoon Narae’s face from a few days ago, and everything that had happened yesterday, were so vivid they refused to leave my mind.
During morning classes the day before, Yoon Narae had suddenly started bleeding from both nostrils and shown signs of respiratory distress. Jo-hwa had volunteered to take her to the nurse’s office. But Jo-hwa returned much later than expected. When she came back to the classroom she announced that Narae had been hospitalized again, then went straight to her seat.
In that short span of time there was something I could tell. That something was off with Jo-hwa—and I knew it right away. That something had happened between her and Yoon Narae in that not-so-brief interval. But I couldn’t know what. She still hadn’t said a word about it.
I could tell just by looking at Jo-hwa’s face. No one else would have noticed. Seeing the real face of Jo-hwa beneath her pretense was never an easy thing. Anxiety and restlessness—that was a face I’d seen during the incident a few days earlier as well. But this time there was guilt, hesitation, worry, and confusion.
I didn’t know what had happened, but Jo-hwa had to be suffering. She believed she hadn’t done anything to Narae and that she’d kept their best-friend relationship intact until now, only for it to collapse in an instant. So she couldn’t get her bearings. It felt like she’d done something wrong, yet no matter how hard she thought about it, she hadn’t done anything wrong.
That’s right. Jo-hwa had done nothing wrong.
It was simply… Yoon Narae’s abnormal obsession with being number one that was the problem.
This time too I tried to believe Jo-hwa would handle it on her own and not worry about it, but why wouldn’t the people around me leave me alone?
“I heard Jo-hwa and Narae fought. Have they still not made up?”
The seat facing my homeroom teacher inside the Counseling Room, where she had been asking worriedly since morning, felt thoroughly uncomfortable.
Why did she call me over at the drop of a hat?
“I don’t really know.”
I deliberately lied, figuring that if I told the truth I knew I’d only get tangled in more bothersome business. But outmaneuvering my homeroom teacher, who stood several moves ahead of me, was impossible.
“I thought the two of them got along so well and blended into the class so nicely that they made a good combination. Sigh. Jo Yul. Is there any chance you could help the two of them reconcile?”
“What? Me?”
“Yes. You.”
What kind of nonsense was she spouting? There was no way I could pull something like that off.
“It’s impossible.”
“Why?”
“Because I have nothing to do with whatever happened between the two of them.”
“But you’re friends, aren’t you?”
“Well…”
Calling it an ambiguous relationship would have been more accurate. With Jo-hwa it was a relationship starting over, and with Yoon Narae… what should I even call us?
Classmates?
A friend of a friend? That was ambiguous too. I didn’t know how Jo-hwa saw me, but I still couldn’t accept Jo-hwa as a friend—or so I thought.
Then what was Yoon Narae to me?
Solving that calculation and arriving at an answer looked like it would take a considerable amount of time.
“I’m asking you as a favor. Okay?”
“……”
Feeling a huge burden from the way my homeroom teacher deliberately lowered her body and face to look up at me from below with pitying eyes, I turned my head to the side.
I absolutely must not make eye contact.
Absolutely not!
Then the homeroom teacher stood up entirely and squatted down on the side I’d turned toward, looking up at me with fawn-like eyes.
“Can’t you? Hmm?”
“……It’s impossible for me.”
“Hmm?”
“……Ugh!”
“How about some extra credit?”
“Even so, impossible is impossible.”
“You’re thinking up some weird scheme in your head again, aren’t you?”
“I’m doing this because I really don’t have the confidence to resolve it. I don’t even know anything about Yoon Narae, and I don’t know how much you’re expecting from me, but I’m not as great a person as you think I am, Teacher. Do you know how much of a burden it is… when a grown adult places expectations on a kid…?”
?
The burden an adult places on a kid…?
Until now I’d only thought that the current Yoon Narae overlapped with my older sister from the past, and I hadn’t thought any further. Because I knew nothing about Yoon Narae and had no interest. And because I felt fear at learning about other people’s family circumstances.
That was it! It felt exactly like understanding the problem and knowing the answer while skipping all the intermediate steps of the solution!
Why hadn’t I been able to think of this until now?
“So you finally figured it out?”
“!”
Before I knew it she had stood up and was stroking my head. Her touch was familiar yet a little different. Should I say it was similar to the way my sister stroked my head? Even the speed and strength when she stroked—everything I could feel was so similar it was uncanny. Coincidence…?
“What are you going to do now? If you’re still going to refuse, I won’t push any further.”
“Can I ask just one thing?”
“Ask me anything.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“You never just pass by me when I’m alone, Teacher.”
Sitting back down, the homeroom teacher said with a faint smile,
“I hope you don’t walk a path where you’ll get hurt. This is probably not just my wish, but other people’s as well. I was mistaken. I thought you’d changed after that day, but it seems not. The way you still deceive yourself and aren’t honest, the way you keep turning away from and denying yourself to the end—you already know that, don’t you?”
“…………I don’t know.”
“There you go again. Again!”
The knuckle rap from my homeroom teacher that I was receiving for the first time in a while didn’t hurt.
“You two really make things hard for me in the exact same way, don’t you?”
“What?”
Two?
One seemed to be referring to me, but who was the other?
“I won’t give up, and neither will the others. Because all I want is for my student to smile brightly.”
“……”
“This time too, I’m counting only on you. Okay?”
“Well, I’ll try for now, but don’t get your hopes up too high. Oh, and—”
“?”
“—the extra credit you mentioned earlier, it’s still valid, right?”
“Hehe. Even in this, you’re the same. Yes. It’s still valid.”
“Great.”
Deal sealed.
It wasn’t a great deal this time either, but there was no harm in getting extra credit, and besides, I was bothered by the sight of Yoon Narae self-destructing, so I figured it was killing two birds with one stone.
Back in the classroom I checked on Jo-hwa’s condition. It was still not good. I understood, but her state was so bad that I was anxious about whether a proper conversation would even be possible.
As soon as class ended and break time began, I dragged Jo-hwa to a place with few people.
“W-what is it?”
“I have something I want to ask you. Answer what I ask. Got it?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Tell me what happened with Yoon Narae yesterday.”
“……”
Jo-hwa couldn’t bring herself to open her mouth. Her wavering eyes looked like they could burst into tears at any moment.
If she cried here, wouldn’t that just make me the bad guy?
“Do I really have to say it? Can’t I not?”
“No. You can’t.”
“……There’s a reason you’re so persistently asking, right?”
Still sharp as ever.
“Yeah.”
“And that reason is because of Narae…?”
“You know everything already.”
“……Hmm. Is that so?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“It’s nothing.”
Did she just glare at me a little just now…? Was I imagining it?
“Is that all you want to know?”
“Are you in a bad mood?”
“…No.”
“Then why are you turning your head away? And what’s with your voice and expression?”
“If I say no, it’s no—you’re so persistent!”
“Ow! If it’s no, it’s no, why hit me? That hurts.”
“I hit you so it would hurt. Why else would I hit you?”
“Why do I have to get hit?”
“……You don’t need to know.”
“We’ll settle that later. Let’s get to the main point quickly.”
“Wow. Petty.”
“No time. Spit it out.”
I listened carefully to Jo-hwa’s story as she began to speak with a face full of dissatisfaction. It was exactly the story I’d expected.
Yoon Narae still hated and envied Jo-hwa, and it didn’t look like she would forgive her easily.
I wasn’t Jo-hwa, so I couldn’t know her wounds. I could only guess. Even so, I could tell that Jo-hwa was trembling with anxiety. Until their relationship soured, Yoon Narae must have been one of the few great oases for Jo-hwa.
Jo-hwa’s thirst was more serious than I thought. That was why she was even more anxious. You could tell just from her words and actions. The way she was fretting like this now was only possible because it was just me. If other people had been around, she would have hidden herself behind her pretense.
“Jo Yul.”
“What?”
“You can save Narae, right? Right?”
“……”
I couldn’t answer. Honestly, because I had no confidence. I hadn’t figured anything out from the story I’d just heard from Jo-hwa either, so I couldn’t answer easily.
“Jo Yul? Why aren’t you answering? Hmm? You can save her, can’t you?”
“……”
“Why do you keep not answering! Why do you keep looking away! Why, why!”
“……Calm down for now. Getting worked up won’t change anything.”
“I know, I know! But I’m going crazy right now. I’m anxious! I’m scared that Narae might not come back to my side like this, that the person I love might fall apart, that the person I love might end up in a situation where she can’t come back, and the fact that I’m only thinking about myself—I hate this trash-like me! This selfish me looks dirty and ugly. What am I supposed to do? What’s the good way to do it, and what do I have to do for Narae to come back? What choice am I supposed to make? Hmm? Please tell me. You’re a genius way better than me, right?”