Things Only Visible When Faced
There are things you only see when you face them.
A truth Jo Yul didn't know — a truth only I knew.
A past only I knew.
Where should I begin?
I sank into thought, slowly sorting through everything in order: where to start, what to unravel, how to speak so that my true feelings would actually reach him.
It didn't take long. I was only recounting a past I had already lived, and I had turned it over in my mind countless times already, drowning in self-loathing and regret.
All that remained was to lay out the truth.
But I was trembling badly.
Maybe that was why the words simply refused to leave my mouth.
As I sat there, tense, fretting over how to open the first sentence of my story, an indifferent voice cut through.
"Done thinking?"
"Y-yeah."
"Then start."
"......"
It wasn't nearly as easy as it sounded.
I knew it was the tension and the fear, but no matter how hard I tried to force out that first word, my mouth would not open.
Why won't the words come?
Why?
Why?
I had finally been given the chance to tell the truth. A chance to go back between us and the past, a chance to atone — and still my mouth moved against my will, as if it belonged to someone else. Why?
Move. Just move, damn it!
But my mouth refused to obey.
"Don't be nervous. Just talk."
At a glance the tone sounded careless, almost pushy, but if you looked closer it wasn't only that. This was his version of consideration. His way of showing it just happened to be easy to misread.
I was glad he was trying to soothe me — but how was I supposed to not be nervous?
This scene, right here, was the one I had wanted from then until now.
I had pictured it over and over in my head. And now that I had finally stepped inside the landscape I had longed for, I couldn't even manage a single proper sentence. I felt so pathetic I almost hated myself for it.
Even if the words wouldn't come cleanly from the nerves, even if I had no idea what outcome was waiting for me — the truth still had to come out.
So I whipped the mouth that refused to open.
Open!
Open, please!
Just this once is enough...... please!
And at the end of all that lashing—
"......Thank you. That helped. I feel a lot calmer."
"So you can talk now?"
"Yeah. This story starts one month after you got out of the hospital."
—I managed to open the first word of the truth.
Because Jo Yul had changed so much, school life had become more fun.
Exchanging greetings was fun. Talking to each other was fun. And after school, the days we hung out or talked even more had grown more frequent, so the joy doubled.
In that way, Jo Yul had changed a great deal.
But some things hadn't changed at all.
He still wore that indifferent face. He still stared out the window the moment he had a free second.
Look at him even now. No matter who walked into the classroom, he paid them no mind and just kept watching the view outside. I still couldn't understand why he did that. It wasn't as if the scenery changed every time he looked.
Seeing the same thing every day, from an observer's point of view, you could only say it got old.
I walked up to the unguarded Jo Yul, tapped his shoulder, and offered a morning greeting.
"Hi?"
"Yeah. Hi."
Sure enough — the same words, the same tone, the same reaction as always.
The way he looked right now was no different from usual either. But if you looked carefully, a faint irritation and dissatisfaction showed through. You could tell from the barely furrowed brow.
If you're unhappy, just say so. Is he holding it in?
I hadn't meant to put a friend in a bad mood, so I asked.
"Was the greeting just now uncomfortable?"
"A little."
"Why?"
"Because it hurts when you hit me."
That was an unexpected answer.
How much force could these skinny arms even put out for it to hurt? Is he just being dramatic?
"You're such a baby."
"It really hurts."
He said it with such a serious face that I couldn't not believe him.
A little embarrassed and a little sorry, I looked away and laughed awkwardly. Of course I didn't forget to apologize either. More than that, my face was starting to burn.
"Ha, hahaha. Sorry. I didn't know it hurt that much."
"As long as you know."
Leaving only that single line, Jo Yul turned his head back toward the window.
I had gotten used to the kind of behavior that could easily be misread as I don't want to talk anymore, so I simply continued.
"Can you stay after school again today?"
"Sorry, but today's my mom's birthday."
"Ah...... well, nothing you can do about that."
I clicked my tongue inwardly at the disappointment of not being able to hang out after class.
I was the one who had started inviting him to stay after school — to play together, to talk more.
There was still a little distance left between us, just enough that calling each other friends felt slightly premature.
Compared to before, we had gotten much closer, but I still wasn't satisfied. The oasis I had thought was enough had turned out to be insufficient.
I had believed the oasis was enough.
I had thought this much would wet my throat. So I had decided to make a real friend, and right on cue, a kid who caught my interest had appeared.
He was genuinely surprising and fascinating.
Including family and relatives, not a single person I had ever met had seen through my pretense. But Jo Yul, who was the same age as me, was different. He had seen through my mask in a single glance. Part of me was shocked; part of me was resentful. I had taken pride in a pretense I thought was perfect, one no one had ever uncovered. That was why interest in the boy who had put a crack in that pride began to grow.
The interest only swelled with time, and the multiplying interest started to eat into my reason. So I spoke to him for the first time — and was surprised again.
Jo Yul far exceeded my expectations. He was the same kind of person I was.
With an uncommon mind and eccentric words and actions, he stimulated my interest and, at the same time, a sense of kinship.
I moved on instinct.
I kept talking to him.
I kept giving him attention.
I kept drawing closer.
And then, right in the middle of a plan that had been flowing smoothly ever since I decided to make a real friend, a problem exploded.
The thirst had gotten worse.
I tried to figure out why and couldn't. The thirst slowly swallowed me, and in the agony of it I desperately gathered more and more attention and affection from other people just to escape it. But I realized that was only a temporary fix.
I grew restless.
I grew anxious.
I didn't show it on the outside, but I had no idea what to do.
Time was short, and the situation was sliding toward the worst.
Then.
Suddenly, Jo Yul caught my eye.
Jo Yul, who was receiving the full weight of the attention of someone who already received endless attention and affection from countless others. So, grasping at straws, I went to him. Time was short, and no other method came to mind.
I spoke to him.
I gave him attention.
I desperately drew closer.
But the distance between us did not close as easily as I had hoped.
Ah. What do I do now? Time keeps moving, and the oasis is drying up. My throat, burning from the thirst, is maddeningly painful.
I can't stand it.
More attention......!
More affection......!
Bigger attention......!
Bigger affection......!
Like a vampire crazed for blood, I craved attention and love.
Then the opportunity came.
Had the heavens taken pity on me as I burned up from thirst? I heard that Jo Yul had gotten sick and been hospitalized. The moment I learned that, I thought this was the perfect chance.
That kid had no friends. Which meant no friends would come visit him in the hospital, so he would be spending lonely hours. If I went to visit him then, we would surely become friends.
So I went to the hospital to fill a private greed of my own, and I met him.
I got to see him.
I got to talk with him.
I got to know him.
The funny part is that the hospital visit I made to satisfy a selfish desire is what made us friends. That is who we are now.
Honestly, even now, when I think back on what happened a month ago, I still can't tell what was what.
Whether I really tried to become his friend out of nothing but selfish greed, or whether something else existed alongside that greed — I don't know.
But there was something I did understand when I went to visit him.
Jo Yul had been pushing himself, and because of that strain he was in terrible shape. And that the words I said to him when I saw him like that had been sincere — that much, at least?
Quietly watching the profile of Jo Yul, who was still staring out the window, I suddenly wondered:
What do I think of Jo Yul now?
Do I think of him as a real friend?
"Why are you staring like that?"
"Because you look like a weirdo, staring out the window every single day."
"Better than you, walking pile of pretense."
"What did you just say? You—!"
Today, just like this, with meaningless words and actions, we nipped away at the distance between us little by little.
I was happy with the present. I liked it a lot.
So I hoped the days ahead would be full of nothing but days like this—
"Hurry up and choose."
"......"
"That guy is just one of the many friends you have. Do you really need to agonize over it?"
"......"
"It's not that I don't understand how you feel. But don't look at me like you're about to eat me. My legs are shaking from fear. Heh heh heh!"
—was what I had hoped for, but because of the male classmate standing in front of me with that sly smile, my wish shattered without ever coming true. Shattered into pieces.
Right now I was stuck, unable to do anything either way.
On the way home after school I had remembered something I'd forgotten and come back to the classroom.
It was late enough that I assumed no students would still be on campus. But contrary to my expectations, three male students I didn't know were in the classroom, carving up my desk and chair and covering them in vicious graffiti.
The moment I saw it, anger surged up and I confronted them — but the second I heard why they were doing it, I couldn't do a thing.
"You still think I'm lying, don't you? That Jo Yul was that kind of guy."
"......"
Staring down the boy in front of me — the sly face wiped clean, his eyes filled with rage and hatred — was the best I could manage right then.
This boy who had me flustered and cornered introduced himself as someone who used to be Jo Yul's friend. The two behind him said the same.
Right. Used to be friends.
Meaning they weren't friends anymore.
The boy launched into exaggerated theatrics and started talking again.
"We were really shocked back then. We'd been so close right up until summer break, and the second break ended he just started ignoring us. We were so surprised and confused we didn't know what to do. We waited, thinking something bad must have happened — but nothing changed. That guy was just playing with us. So we cut him off!"
"......Pathetic."
To me, it looked truly pathetic.
I had no way of knowing if what he said was true.
Honestly, I couldn't believe it. I even suspected he was lying.
"Pathetic? We're pathetic? You can say that because you don't know how we felt! Do you know what we went through? We threw away the guy who hurt us. We hoped he'd become an outcast! We hoped he'd get hurt worse than we did. We wanted him to feel the pain we felt! But once he hit third year, that guy became friends with you — the most popular person in school — and because of that he's getting all kinds of attention!"
"Yeah. Do you even know how we feel?"
"Don't talk like you know when you don't!"
I could see the rage and the hatred.
Without wiping either of them away, the boy who seemed to be the leader spoke again.
"So we thought about it. What should we do? How do we hurt that guy? In the end we decided using you would be perfect. If we did something nasty to your desk and chair when no one was around, the kids in your class the next day would pin it on him. He already lives like an outcast, so plenty of people look at him badly, right? But then you walked into the classroom just now. So we changed our minds. How much would it hurt him if you were the one who framed him as the culprit? Right, guys? Don't you think that's a great idea?"
"Obviously."
"You're the best!"
Whatever was so delightful about it, the three boys looked at each other and laughed happily.
I, on the other hand, couldn't smile even a little.
I had been hit with too much information in an instant, and I knew the current situation was stacked against me. So I went limp. I couldn't do anything.
What am I supposed to do?
What choice is the best one?
Is there no way out of this?
If I make the wrong choice, what happens to me?
While my head filled with chaos, that sly voice slowly tightened around my throat again.
"Well? Hurry up and choose. If you don't do what we say, we'll put you in the same position as that guy. And of course we won't stop harassing him either."
"!"
Pushed by that sly voice, I ended up imagining something I never should have.
Me, who feels like I'd die of thirst without other people's attention and affection...... becoming an outcast?
Could I even endure that?
No. Absolutely impossible.
Even now I received endless attention and affection from countless people, and I still felt the thirst. If I became an outcast, could I stand it? No. That was something that must never happen.
No. Don't get shaken. There's no way those kids could make me an outcast, right? I'm loved and watched by everyone.
But.
Still.
What if.
What if it is possible? Even I can't make everyone like me, can I? For every person who likes me, there will be people who hate me and resent me.
That was the natural result. Words like "perfect" and "absolute" only exist on paper.
Doubt bloomed inside the worry, and that doubt wrapped me—
"What's your answer?"
"I—I......"
—in fear.
"I'm so sorry! It's all my fault. I'm reflecting on it. So please, please — can't you give me a chance to atone......? I'm begging you. Okay?"
"......"
With Jin Jo-hwa in front of me, desperately choking on tears as she apologized, I sank into thought.
.
.
.
So that was what had happened. I hadn't known.
I truly never imagined, even in my dreams, that a past mistake of mine had shaped me like that.
Suddenly, a thought took over my head.
It was already the past.
This was only a what-if.
What if—
If I had been just a little calmer back then.
If I had been able to control my emotions just a little better.
If I had leaned on other people just a little more.
Would the person I am now have been made?
Would I have met a better outcome than this?
Would I have avoided regretting it like this?
—I found myself wondering whether I would have been spared this kind of regret.
What good was feeling regret and longing over a past that was already over?
The place I lived was the present, and the place I would keep living was the future.
Feeling regret or longing for the past was a luxury. At least for the me of right now, I decided I didn't need it. That was the answer after I finished calculating.
"......Unbelievable. So in the end I was the one who hurt myself......"
"Jo Yul......?"
It was absurd, plain and simple. And I felt endlessly pathetic.
If I had accepted the past — if I had accepted Jin Jo-hwa — I could have known the whole truth. I hadn't.
Just like my past self, I had simply been swept along by emotion, and I had trembled in fear as I recalled old pain. So I hadn't accepted the past, or Jin Jo-hwa. And in the end, the coward I became had made himself blind.
Even though my eyes weren't actually blind.
I had lied and said I didn't know my own true feelings.
And this was the result.
A hollow, ridiculous ending.
What was I supposed to do with this emptiness?
Did the Jin Jo-hwa standing in front of me deserve to be forgiven?
I didn't know.
Of course the main culprit who caused the problem was myself.
But saying Jin Jo-hwa had no sin at all felt like a stretch.
Looking only at the result, she had hurt me for her own sake. Even so, I didn't feel like reproaching her for it. That didn't mean I felt like forgiving her either.
So what was the right thing to do?
What would be the wise choice?
I sank into thought.
I turned it over.
I calculated.
And an answer came out.
What to do with Jin Jo-hwa, who was pitifully crying in front of me, begging for forgiveness and a chance to atone.
I held out my right hand toward her and spoke.
"I'm...... really sorry. Honestly, no other words come out except that. I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry for making you suffer all this time. But I can't forgive you. That doesn't mean I plan to blame you either. To be honest, even I don't really know what I want to do right now."
"......"
Meeting the gaze of Jin Jo-hwa, who was staring blankly at me through tear-stained eyes, I continued.
"You want to atone, and you want us to go back to being friends, right? But what I want is to put a period on whatever is between us. And right now I don't know what to do with you. So. Let's make a deal here."
"A deal......?"
"Yeah. A deal."