Things Only Visible When Faced
There are things that only become visible when you face them.
From the monologue I had just shouted, I could tell my emotions had reached their peak.
I felt countless gazes on me, but that was as far as it went.
Right now, I had no room to care about my classmates' stares.
Yeah. First, keep my composure.
Getting emotional isn't good.
I took a deep breath.
“Huuup, haaah——. Huuup, haaah——.”
Finding my composure wasn't difficult, but I couldn't take a single step. All I could do was stand still in place, desperately sorting through the complex, unnameable emotions while thinking about what to do next.
What was the answer?
What was right and what was wrong?
Which choice was wise, and which was foolish?
I still didn't know.
I had fretted over it countless times already, yet I still had no idea.
No answer came, and time kept flowing, so my mind couldn't help but grow more and more exhausted.
I could feel my heart racing.
And that I was afraid of something.
“Ah. This is hard.”
With that monologue, all the strength drained from my body.
As I plopped down on the spot, someone spoke to me.
“What's wrong?”
“......”
It was a young, immature voice, but I knew at once it was familiar—and one I didn't want to hear.
Still an unpleasant voice. I really hate hearing it. To think it would appear even in my dreams to torment me.
I knew who it was without looking, so I ignored her.
Honestly, I didn't even want to look. But she spoke to me again as if nothing were wrong.
“What kind of worries do you have?”
“......”
I answered with silence again.
“Are you really going to keep ignoring me? We're classmates and desk partners.”
So what was I supposed to do about that?
This development was very familiar. I couldn't remember clearly, but I recalled that my first meeting with Jin Jo-hwa in the past had been similar to now.
Jin Jo-hwa kept talking to me, and I kept ignoring her—an abnormal meeting.
And in the end—
“You're a quiet one. But since I'm your desk partner, I'll at least introduce myself simply. My name is Jin Jo-hwa. As you know, we're in the same class and I'm your partner. Let's get along.”
“......Yeah.”
—I remembered giving just that one-word answer, like now.
Yeah............?
Why am I remembering this?
It's a memory I really don't want to recall, one I want to forget, one I thought I'd forgotten—yet it wouldn't leave me.
Why?
It's clearly a memory I don't want to remember.
Even though it's a memory that makes me feel like I might throw up right this second, against my will, little by little, very carefully, the memories I'd discarded in a corner start to surface.
Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!
Please just disappear from my head!
Stop tormenting me already, stop reopening my wounds, stop hurting me, stop......!
“Jo Yul? What's wrong? Are you hurt somewhere?”
“......”
“Han Jo Yul?”
“.........”
Because of a situation opposite to my will, I fell into an even bigger dilemma.
Do I need deeper thoughts, more precise emotional control, more precise calculations? No. First, it would be better to figure out what the cause is. You have to know the problem to solve it.
Countless thoughts began to dominate my mind.
Was that why? It felt like all the noise around me had been completely blocked out.
Jin Jo-hwa seemed to keep talking to me, and of course I answered with silence, but I ended up yielding to Jin Jo-hwa's persistent personality. There was a limit even to ignoring.
It's too noisy. I want to say something, but if I do, she'll like it even more. She chatters away so well.
What does she have so much to say about? Seeing how well she talks, the Jin Jo-hwa from the dream is exactly the same as the one I know.
Ah. Again. Again......, I'm remembering.
Why?
I started sinking into thought again, but it didn't last long.
Because I could anticipate one answer.
To the past me, Jin Jo-hwa was a hopeful, special, and unique person, and at the same time a despairing, hateful, nauseatingly disliked human being.
Because she made me harbor conflicting emotions, she must have been a stimulating person to me. Since she gave me hope and despair, I hated her so much that she remained in my memory, I think.
As they say, the things you don't want to recall are the ones that refuse to leave you alone.
During every break, Jin Jo-hwa chattering away was really annoying. But I didn't avoid her. Just to cool my head a bit, I sat still and stared out the window.
Because of Jin Jo-hwa's endless chattering, I couldn't do anything. If I tried to focus on class, it was too boring, and chatting with Jin Jo-hwa was something I'd rather die than do. Just being next to her raised my discomfort level considerably, so chatting was out of the question. So the conclusion I reached was staring out the window, which wasn't bothersome and wasn't particularly hard. It was something I'd been doing from the past to the present, so it gave me a sense of stability and comfort.
I spent first and second periods meaninglessly like that, and the break after third period arrived.
I didn't know how long this dream would last, but I planned to keep staying like this from now on.
“Is Jo Yul here?”
Until the homeroom teacher called me, that is.
“Yes.”
I answered shortly, stood up from my seat, and headed toward the homeroom teacher.
The homeroom teacher greeted me with a smile.
“Talking where the other friends are is a bit much, so let's move to the teachers' office. Is that okay?”
“Yes.”
The homeroom teacher walked ahead, and I followed behind.
It's a face I haven't seen in a long time.
To be honest, I felt a bit of gladness. Because she was someone who cared a lot about the dark and closed-off me of that time. And even after 'that incident,' she showed me a lot of consideration. So I couldn't help but feel gladness and gratitude. The me of that time was still very young, so I didn't feel the same emotions as the current me. Even though it's a dream, I conveyed my thanks and gladness in my heart.
“Sit in that chair.”
We arrived at the homeroom teacher's seat.
The homeroom teacher, standing by the window without sitting in the chair, offered me her own chair.
Surely this situation is also one I experienced in the past. But I don't remember it in detail. Only the homeroom teacher's face remains vaguely in my memory, and I can't recall at all what choice the past me made in the current situation. I don't even have a guess. So I fell into thought.
Should I act childishly like the past me?
Or act maturely like the current me?
As expected, if I'm a kid, showing kid-like words and actions would be natural and not strange, right?
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Jo Yul has good manners too. As your homeroom teacher, I can't help but be happy.”
Outwardly a kid, but inside a high schooler.
Being patted on the head by the homeroom teacher as a high schooler felt nothing but awkward.
“......”
I silently examined the homeroom teacher's face.
She really looked happy.
I remember the homeroom teacher of that time was unmarried. Maybe that's why she treated the kids in her class kindly. I could understand the way she was happy looking at me now. Even though the homeroom teacher and I were strangers and we'd only known each other for a few days, my words and actions were the result of the homeroom teacher's education. And if that result was good, she couldn't help but be overjoyed. Of course, it wasn't just joy as an educator. Joy as an adult was also visible.
The way she liked watching the process of the kids growing was impressive.
Even though this scenery and situation is a dream, looking closely at the homeroom teacher of that time, she seems like a more caring and good teacher than I thought.
“I happen to have some fruit juice. Want some?”
She asked me with a smile that seemed the same as the real-world homeroom teacher yet different.
Having learned a bit more about the homeroom teacher in detail, being with her felt more comfortable and warm than when I was uninterested back then. Like being with Mom.
“I'll gratefully drink it.”
“I haven't said I'd give it yet?”
I smirked inwardly at the homeroom teacher's teasing, playful look.
If it were the young me, there might have been a small chance of falling for it, but the me whose core is a high schooler wouldn't fall for it. But I decided to just go along.
“Ah. That......”
When I put on an act of fluster, the homeroom teacher smiled again and handed me the fruit juice.
“Just kidding. Kidding. You seemed a bit tense, so I just joked. Here. Drink slowly.”
Before drinking the fruit juice, I unconsciously checked the homeroom teacher's expression. It was a habit that had been ingrained in my body from the past. Reading others' faces had been my specialty since I was young.
“Teacher.”
“Hm?”
“I was surprised. Your joke was too much!”
“Ahahaha. Sorry. It's because Jo Yul is so admirable and cute.”
“I'll drink it well.”
“Okay.”
Drinking the sour orange juice, I searched for memories about the homeroom teacher of that time. But nothing came up.
Because the playful appearance and actions the homeroom teacher just showed weren't in my memory, I dug through them. But as expected, nothing came up.
It was a part that showed how uninterested the me of that time was in my surroundings.
The reason I only vaguely remember the homeroom teacher's face is because I didn't try to get along with others and didn't take interest in anything.
Then is this dream fake?
I couldn't know that. It might be being created by unconsciously pulling out even the memories I wasn't conscious of.
But there was one fact I could know.
When I face them with even a little interest, the person I knew looks different, and new facts become visible.
“Ah. Give the empty bottle to Teacher.”
Following the homeroom teacher's words, I handed the bottle to her slender, soft hand.
The homeroom teacher threw the bottle into the trash can next to her and said.
“I'll tell you why Teacher brought Jo Yul separately to the teachers' office.”
“Yes.”
I don't have this memory either.
I couldn't know for what reason the homeroom teacher brought me separately to the teachers' office. Because I have no memory. To be precise, it might be that I can't recall it.
I answered shortly and looked up at the homeroom teacher, and the homeroom teacher who met my eyes avoided my gaze. Looking at the homeroom teacher's reaction, it didn't seem like a very good story.
Sure enough, the words that came out of the mouth the homeroom teacher opened with difficulty were a story that was not a light matter at all to both the past me and the current me.
“It's about the open class.”
“......”
The homeroom teacher who couldn't continue speaking was examining my reaction.
She couldn't help it.
Father and Mother divorced when I was in second grade of elementary school.
To the past me, it was a shocking, stimulating, and heavy story.
I remember it hit me as a big shock because I was so young then. Because she knew that, the homeroom teacher couldn't easily bring up the story and was checking my condition.
I decided to speak indifferently here.
“Mom said she can't come.”
The past me would have made the same choice as the current me.
“Will you be okay......? Is there no one among the relatives who can come?”
Relatives.
Honestly, I don't really know. Even now as a high schooler, I have no contact with relatives. But what would the elementary school me know? That question is one I can't answer.
“Yes.”
“......”
The homeroom teacher's bright appearance disappeared and a shadow fell on her face.
Even if she's the homeroom teacher, I don't think she needs to care and worry that much. At best, our relationship is just teacher and student. In the end, it means strangers. Even so, the homeroom teacher is feeling emotions beyond the teacher-student relationship and is caring deeply and a lot.
The homeroom teacher was worrying about what words to say.
The atmosphere had become very heavy, and the story just now was too stimulating and emotional for the young me.
“It's okay.”
“?”
“I'm okay.”
“Jo Yul......”
“I'm really fine. I said it's okay?”
It was a fake smile to the end, but I smiled.
Probably the homeroom teacher also noticed that this was a forced, made-up smile.
“It's not like there are no friends whose parents can't come to the open class. Those friends seemed quite disappointed. Is Jo Yul really, not bothered at all......?”
“Yes. Because I know well how hard Mom is working for me and my sister. It's okay even if she doesn't come to see. For me, it's actually more comfortable that Mom doesn't come.”
Actually, after my parents' divorce, to make Mom less hard, I didn't notify her of any schedules that parents had to attend, like open classes.
“Okay. If you really want it that way, there's no choice......”
“Thank you. Teacher.”
“Jo Yul is young but has good manners, thinks of his parents, and is admirable.”
I felt the homeroom teacher's hand patting my head again for a moment. It's a dream but so real.
The homeroom teacher looked at the clock hanging on the wall of the teachers' office and said to me.
“Class will start now. Go back to the classroom. Teacher's business ends with this.”
“Yes.”
I was about to move my feet, but I stopped again at the homeroom teacher's voice from behind.
“Jo Yul.”
“?”
And I turned my head and looked at the homeroom teacher.
“Teacher is always watching over you, so don't worry. Of course, it might be lacking compared to your parents.”
How grateful a teacher she is—a smile bloomed on my lips without me knowing.
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Cheer up!”
Receiving the homeroom teacher's encouragement, I turned the corner to return to the classroom—
“!”
—and for some reason, I ran into Jin Jo-hwa crouching and hiding.