Not as Easy as It Sounds
I needed to put a period on it, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded.
After my conversation with Yoon Narae, I spent hours untangling the thoughts that had knotted themselves together. As a result, I was mentally exhausted.
From lunch period all the way through the end of seventh period, I never once left my seat. I was desperate to sort out those tangled thoughts. Maybe that was why I couldn't remember a single thing about which teacher taught what, or how, from fifth period onward.
If it had only been a matter of sorting tangled thoughts, I might have had some room to breathe. But what I needed to organize wasn't just my thoughts. I also had to sort through a flood of emotions.
Emotions can sometimes put you at a disadvantage when making choices. When a person becomes emotional, they can't even see what's right in front of them. That was why I needed to get my feelings in order.
I couldn't be sure when it would happen, but one day I would put a period on the past between me and Jin Johwa. The only difference would be whether that period landed well or poorly.
And to put that period down, conversation would be essential. Maybe even a deal would be necessary.
If I wanted to seize the future I desired through dialogue and negotiation, I needed not only the initiative but also the certainty of victory. That meant choosing the wisest answer among countless calculations and responses, and it required the cold composure and calm that could smother any emotion.
If I let my feelings show, I risked losing control. So I needed to sort them out.
I discard the emotions I don't need.
I discard the emotions that would put me at a disadvantage.
I keep only the emotions that will benefit me.
But discarding emotions is easier said than done. Humans are rational animals. Precisely because of that, completely throwing away feelings you deem unnecessary is impossible. That was why I needed even more cold clarity, and why sorting my emotions was so essential.
"Haa......"
My steps on the way home felt unbearably heavy. Deep sighs escaped me at regular intervals, as if by habit.
Sorting the tangled thoughts and sorting the emotions had been hard, but I'd managed to finish within the time I'd expected. Still, there was one thing I hadn't managed to do.
Figuring out my true feelings.
I'd thought that once I sorted through all those thoughts and emotions, the answer would come to me naturally. But contrary to my expectations, I still had no idea what I actually wanted. It was so frustrating I could go crazy.
"Haa."
Another sigh. I was so frustrated I wondered if I'd ever felt this stuck in my entire life. It was enough to drive me mad.
Lost deep in thought and worry, I'd stopped noticing my surroundings. I finally halted my thinking just to catch my breath.
"I'm already home."
I found myself taking off my shoes at the front door without even realizing it, and a hollow laugh slipped out. The unconscious mind really is a terrifying thing.
"How was school today? Did you have fun?"
My sister approached, holding a mug with white steam still curling up from it—she'd just made coffee. How many cups had she brewed already? The smell was incredibly strong.
"Fun? Hardly."
"Why? Did something happen?"
If I answered her honestly, I should have said yes, something had. But I didn't want to tell her the truth. Instead I flung my bag into a corner of the sofa, threw my body—which felt heavier than usual—onto the cushions, and shot back a question of my own.
"Why are you even asking?"
It wasn't that I was too lazy to answer. I was just mentally drained. Really.
At my retort, my sister deliberately sat down right by my head and said,
"Want me to tell you?"
What was that supposed to mean? I couldn't help frowning at her words, whose intent I couldn't read.
"Unclench that brow. You'll get wrinkles."
But she just smiled brightly, then opened her mouth with a soft little grin.
"Normally your face is either completely indifferent, or looking like you're scheming something vicious, or just totally uninterested in everything. But today you look more human than usual."
I was already exhausted, and here she was, mercilessly driving a dagger straight into her little brother's chest. Well, I wasn't the type to get hurt by words like that, but maybe I should tease her a bit for a change of mood?
"Even if I am your little brother, you shouldn't just say things like that."
I put on a bit of an act. I dropped my voice low and dark and turned my face away so she couldn't see it clearly.
"Why?"
"Because I might get hurt."
I already knew what kind of reaction I'd get. Either she'd apologize and say she was sorry, or she'd say she already knew I wouldn't get hurt by something like that. There was one more possible reaction I could predict, but given the situation I didn't think she'd go for anything serious, so I ruled that one out. All right. What would she show me?
"Did I hurt you? I didn't mean it that way."
Just as expected. But her words didn't stop there.
"Then I'll heal you. How should I heal you, little brother?"
"Uh......?"
I'd anticipated something, but I never thought she'd actually go serious, so I lifted my face and stared up at her blankly. She was smiling. And just like a few days ago, she stroked my hair. Under that warm, gentle touch, I couldn't even figure out what to say next.
I'd planned to tease her a little and then wrap it up, but instead I felt like I'd been ambushed. Still, it didn't feel bad.
"I'll heal you. That should be enough, right?"
"......"
I could tell she wasn't joking with me right now.
"What do I need to do to make your wound better?"
"!"
The way she spoke and acted, like she was soothing a little kid, made me feel a little embarrassed. It was true I was younger than her, and still a minor, but being treated like a child stung my pride and made me feel shy.
"N-never mind! It was just a joke. A joke. There's no way I'd get hurt by something like that. You know that perfectly well, so stop saying stuff that makes me cringe."
I didn't want her to see my embarrassed face, so I got up from the sofa. Then I quickly grabbed my bag and fled toward my room. More precisely, I stopped halfway there. And I asked her something seriously.
"Noona."
"Yeah?"
"If—if I ever got really badly hurt, could you heal me............?"
The sister I knew never lied. More precisely, she never lied in serious situations. That was my proud older sister, Han Gyeoul.
Her answer didn't come right away. But I didn't turn around, and I didn't feel disappointed. I just stood there waiting for her reply. I wanted to hear it. No—I had to hear it. Only then did the anxious feeling in my chest seem to settle a little more.
How many tens of seconds passed? Finally she spoke.
"Of course! Do you know how much I care about my little brother, how much I love him? Healing your wounds would be nothing. And it's not just me. You've got plenty of people besides me, right?"
Honestly, I'd already known what she would say. I knew her as well as she knew me.
I just wanted her to say it herself. That way I could calm my uneasy heart even a little more. That way I could feel a little more clearly how reliable she was.
"Yeah. Thanks. You really are dependable, Noona."
It was a real answer—no forced performance of trust, no lie meant to hide my true self.
Ah............ so this was what "real" felt like.
"Oh, right. Little brother."
"?"
At her call I turned my head without thinking. And there she was, beaming.
"That face you made just now when you got embarrassed—it was ridiculously cute."
"!"
Damn. Once again, beating my sister was impossible.
Watching her little brother's back as he fled into his room with a red face, she stretched.
"Ugh~!"
Then she took another sip of coffee. A sweet yet bitter taste filled her mouth, and the coffee aroma spread. Ah. It felt like the fatigue was flying away all at once.
Drinking coffee at her leisure was just too good.
"Heh."
A smile rose on its own.
On the day of the entrance ceremony, her little brother had come home and said he'd ended up in the same class as Johwa. It had to be true. His expression had said everything.
Displeasure. Anger. Betrayal—she'd seen so many negative emotions.
Just talking about Johwa had turned her brother into a monster who'd lost all reason.
She'd been afraid that if he lost his cool, lost his composure, and made a choice he shouldn't, he'd end up wounded all over again.
So she'd decided to calm him first. She'd stroked his hair. And while stroking it, she'd felt it. Even grown this much, he was still young. He still seemed to need her help.
To emphasize again: on entrance ceremony day, when her brother came home from school truly unstable, she'd stroked his hair to soothe him and, a little full of herself, had said a lot of things. The true feelings she'd seen in him.
But he hadn't admitted them. He'd only avoided them.
Even so she'd tried desperately and never given up. In the end, at the close of their conversation, he'd left her with one mysterious line.
"That's a story from the past."
What meaning was packed into those words? She'd thought about it a lot, but never found the answer. Only he himself would know.
After that, her brother had stayed silent, and only today had he suddenly asked. Could Noona heal him?
Honestly, she'd been surprised. She never expected him to throw a question like that out of nowhere.
So she'd thought. What intention might be behind that question, what she should say and how so that her brother could be even a little happier—after countless thoughts, she'd answered with confidence. So he wouldn't feel anxious. So he could feel he had a reliable sister. She'd spoken with her whole heart.
And her wish had reached him.
How could she tell? Just from his voice. She knew her brother that well, and he knew her just as well.
"I'm glad."
The words carried relief.
He still hadn't found the answer. He'd looked tired again today. But she hadn't seen any deep shadows. In other words, he might not have found the answer yet, but he'd probably gotten a hint.
Finding the answer to a problem given to you isn't easy, so she could help him. But she wouldn't. Finding an answer is hard. But if you struggle and find it yourself, you gain and realize so much in the process.
She believed in her little brother. He would definitely find the answer, and gain a lot along the way.
"What a waste. I should've taken a picture of that embarrassed face just now."
With the thought that she'd leave the rest for him to work out on his own, and one lingering regret that didn't quite fit the moment, she stood up from her seat.
Once in my room, I closed my eyes and lay on the bed, sinking into many thoughts. So when I opened them, the first thing I should have seen was the ceiling of my room. But the scene spread out before me now wasn't my room at all.
Inside a noisy, bustling classroom, little kids were running around and playing.
"......Of all the dreams I could have, it had to be this one."
Sitting in a chair, I spoke in a voice thick with mixed emotions. And then I was startled.
"?!"
I never expected even I would have become younger. Not just my body—my voice was the same as when I was a kid. I lowered my head and looked at my body and hands. I clenched and unclenched my fists a few times. Even if this was a dream, it was definitely my body.
"This is seriously annoying."
In a situation where I didn't even want to sigh, only irritation and displeasure swelled up.
Why dream about the past I least wanted to remember, at a time like this? Maybe it was precisely because it was this time that I had no choice but to dream it.
Sitting by the window in the same seat as in reality, I looked up at the clear sky outside. Unlike my mood, it was far too peaceful. But everything about the present situation made me uncomfortable.
The little kids running around noisily. The vaguely remembered, familiar classroom I didn't even want to recall. Everything about third grade of elementary school.
"There's no reason to cling to a dream like this for long."
Having finished that thought, I stood up abruptly from my seat. My smaller body felt incredibly light, so why were my footsteps so heavy? It was hard to take even a single step.
Why? I only found this dream unpleasant and irritating. I wanted to wake up from it as soon as possible.
"......"
That was what I thought I thought. I thought that was my true feeling.
"Trying to run away again?"
But the moment I tried to take a step, Yoon Narae's words floated up.
"Lie. You're just turning away from the past. Because you don't want to remember it, because you're afraid you might get hurt by those old wounds again, you're looking away and avoiding it, aren't you?"
I clenched my teeth and tried to step forward again, and this time my sister's words rose up.
"Everyone gets hurt. I don't know how big your wound is. I also know I can't heal it for you. But don't look away. People hurt each other, but people also heal each other. So don't turn your eyes from reality. Accept the wound. Just because you look away doesn't mean that wound, that heart, those feelings disappear. They just keep piling up somewhere you don't know. So don't look away. Accept everything. You're not alone."
I clenched my fists tight and ground my teeth. I scolded myself to wake up from this dream already. And the moment I tried to take a step, my homeroom teacher's words rose up.
"Damn it! Why the hell is this happening!"
The words all three of them had said to me carried the same meaning.
Don't run. Accept it.
People can hurt each other, and people can heal each other.
So even if you're afraid and it hurts, face the past.
Face Jin Johwa.
It's okay because I'm here for you.
It was almost laughable. The fact that I knew myself less than other people did was pathetic and funny. And on the other hand, I couldn't help but doubt.
Wasn't the self I knew the right one? Weren't my sister, my homeroom teacher, and Yoon Narae the ones who were wrong about me?
Doubt took root. Was I still doubting my sister, my teacher, and Yoon Narae because I still didn't properly know myself?
"I don't know. I really don't know a single damn thing!"