Don't Turn Away from Reality
I needed to put a period on it, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded.
"It's not a lie, is it?"
"Yeah. It's the truth without a single lie."
Yoon Narae's eyes were serious, and not even the faintest tremor could be heard in her voice. Among every element I used to read her state of mind, nothing visible or audible gave me any reason to doubt her.
Is she, Yoon Narae, someone who simply never lies?
"It's not that I don't understand why you're suspicious. But I hope you'll just believe that what I'm saying is true. The Jo-hwa I first saw wasn't human. The Jo-hwa of the past, who was better described as a doll or a machine, was so creepy it made my skin crawl. That's how completely the attention and stares that had poured onto her during self-introductions vanished afterward. From then on, not a single friend ever spoke to her. Yet every day Jo-hwa just sat motionless in her seat, staring blankly straight ahead, repeating the same words under her breath like a whisper. Do you know what that whisper was?"
"How would I know that?"
"I only found out later, after we became friends. The words she kept whispering back then were...... 'I'm sorry.'"
"......"
I'm sorry? Sorry? If she knew she had done something wrong and felt sorry toward me, the normal thing would have been to come apologize, right? But she never once sought me out before elementary school graduation. Or did she only realize her mistake later? A hollow laugh was all that came out.
"Sorry, huh. Something unpleasant must have happened?"
I tried to kill every emotion I could, but I couldn't. After hearing Yoon Narae's truth, remaining emotionally unchanged was simply impossible.
Even under my sarcastic tone, Yoon Narae kept her composure and continued.
"This is something else I only learned later. At the time, other than frequent fights with her second older sister over family matters, there was nothing particularly bad going on, she told me. Jo-hwa said those fights weren't much different from ordinary sister squabbles. I actually saw her arguing with her second sister myself, and there was nothing special about it."
"......"
Nothing happened in the family? Then what on earth took place without my knowing?
Even after that past incident, I still ran into Jin Jo-hwa at school every now and then. She hadn't been that much of a wreck. If anything, she had seemed almost the same as usual.
Could the words she spoke at the school gate on graduation day really have broken her that badly?
I rejected the thought at once. No. Absolutely not. Jin Jo-hwa was stubborn and a mass of pretense, but she was no weakling.
Then what was the reason?
No matter how hard I thought, I couldn't grasp it. I couldn't even guess. Was this also a problem born from my refusal to face Jin Jo-hwa properly?
"It looks like you're trying to dig out the reason Jo-hwa broke down that far, but you won't be able to find it."
Yoon Narae's words felt as if thorns had been driven into them. I wondered whether she held some grudge against me or if it was only my imagination, but it didn't seem like imagination.
"......What is that supposed to mean?"
"I've thought about it countless times myself, but I never figured it out. Not until a few days ago, when Jo-hwa told me directly."
"......"
"The day the two of you reunited, Jo-hwa told me everything."
"So you only heard it a few days ago yourself."
"Yeah. That's right. You're correct. I only know because Jo-hwa told me just a short while ago. But can you—who hadn't paid her a scrap of attention for years—really figure it out?"
"It feels like you've been slipping daggers into your words this whole time."
"I won't particularly deny it. But I won't affirm it either."
She said it with a faint smile directed at me. I didn't have enough time to read what lay behind that smile, and there were far too many other things I still needed to uncover, so I had no choice but to let it pass.
"I don't care how you think of me. You and I have no connection beyond being in the same class, and we never will."
"You're still saying things like that so casually? Isn't that a little too cold? I was hurt, even if only a little. Aren't you the one throwing daggers here?"
I wonder what kind of Yoon Narae is hiding behind that faint smile.
"If you've heard from Jin Jo-hwa and the homeroom teacher, you should have a rough idea of what kind of person I am."
"As you say, there's no way I wouldn't know. If I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here. Shall we get back to the main point, then?"
I simply nodded at her request.
"You want to know why Jin Jo-hwa broke down, right?"
"Yeah."
If you already know, stop dragging it out and just tell me.
I forced myself to calm the impatience that had risen without my noticing.
"I'll tell you. But first I have a warning."
"A warning?"
"Don't worry. It isn't long. Don't use the information I give you to hurt Jo-hwa badly. That would feel like I was betraying her, wouldn't it? From my position as her friend, it would be extremely unpleasant. You can understand that, right?"
"......"
I finally understood what lay behind Yoon Narae's faint smile. Behind that smile hid the little devil Yoon Narae. The words she had just spoken seemed like nothing more than a mischievous prank, yet unfortunately they were heavy sincerity lightly packaged as mischief—and a warning at the same time.
She really was no easy opponent. It felt like facing the final boss.
"Why no answer?"
"And if I say I don't like it?"
"Then the quality and quantity of the information that reaches your hands will become lighter. It's a proposal that goes against my beliefs, but right now my friend Jo-hwa is more precious to me than those beliefs, shall we say? Choose. What will you do?"
The complete absence of hesitation on Yoon Narae's face looked frightening.
"Really merciless."
"I don't know if you'll believe me, but I'm not originally this kind of person. The situation being what it is, I have no choice."
"Do you know you look like a little devil in my eyes right now?"
"Oh my, is that so? Thank you."
It was truly absurd and exhausting. This was a type of opponent I had never faced before.
But I had to win.
"There's a contradiction in your words."
"?"
Yoon Narae tilted her head.
"In matters between people, you can't help getting hurt, can you?"
Her eyes widened and she looked slightly flustered.
"I—I never imagined those words would come out of your mouth."
"Anyway, there's a contradiction in what you said."
"......You're right. Then what should we do? I also feel uneasy about telling you without any conditions."
From the deliberate glance she sent my way, it was clear she wanted to reach a moderate compromise through a deal.
From my position it wasn't the best scenario, but it wasn't a bad one either. Time was already starting to feel short. There was still after school, yet I doubted Yoon Narae would stay behind just to give me more of this kind of time.
It wasn't only the time left to question her that was pressing. Delaying the knot I needed to tie with Jin Jo-hwa wouldn't be good. And I didn't want that. I wanted to return as quickly as possible to the ordinary days I longed for.
"All right. I'll take your deal."
"That's the answer I wanted."
Apparently pleased with the proposal, Yoon Narae let a deeper smile settle on her lips.
"I'm the victim and Jin Jo-hwa is the perpetrator, but I don't particularly intend to take revenge."
"Then?"
"Tying up the past between me and Jin Jo-hwa, and after that never getting involved with her again. That's all I want."
"Can you wait a moment?"
Twisting the two pigtails that hung over her shoulders, Yoon Narae fell into thought and began worrying over something.
"I'm sorry, but that won't work."
This was an unexpected answer. I had thought she might not agree easily, but I hadn't expected an outright refusal. What exactly didn't sit well with her?
"The reason?"
"I can't tell you yet, but that won't do."
"......"
Just how many secrets does she have?
It seemed better to push hard here.
"If you keep trying to hide this and that, any desire to make a deal disappears."
"!"
It wasn't a big reaction, but there was a reaction. Good. The initiative of this deal had just shifted to me.
"My terms are these: I'll try to settle things with Jin Jo-hwa as amicably as possible, but I can't guarantee it will end well. I will make the effort, though. In return, you provide the information I want. And once everything is finished, I cut all ties with Jin Jo-hwa. I don't want anything more or less than that. From her perspective too, cutting ties with me would probably be better in more ways than one, don't you think?"
"Well— I wonder about that?"
"......"
I avoided the serious gaze Yoon Narae fixed on me.
Yeah. I actually know. Jin Jo-hwa wants to start a connection with me again. That's why she kept approaching me after we reunited. Even when I pushed her away and hurt her, she stubbornly came closer. Because she wants to begin again with me. But I don't. I...... have no such desire at all.
Still, my words weren't wrong either. If she built a friendship with someone like me, Jin Jo-hwa's image would eventually be damaged. For her, forming a connection with me was not a good choice.
"Just a moment."
"?"
Asking for my understanding, Yoon Narae hurried out of the counseling room with quick steps before I could even answer.
What is it? The bathroom......?
I checked the clock; it had just passed 12:30. Time, as always, waited for no one.
While I stared at the clock and waited restlessly, Yoon Narae returned in less than a minute.
"Sorry. Something urgent came up."
"So, the deal?"
"OK. Fine."
"......?"
In roughly one minute, what change could have made her accept the deal she had refused until just now? Was it related to going outside? If so, what exactly did she do out there?
Contact with Jin Jo-hwa?
If not Jo-hwa, then the homeroom teacher?
I couldn't completely rule out Jo-hwa, but I thought the homeroom teacher was more likely. Yoon Narae had been waiting for me at the teacher's request in the first place. So the teacher had probably asked her to accept the deal with me.
How many people do I have to fight? One against three is already too much. Surely there aren't even more helpers waiting in the wings?
Ah. A headache was suddenly threatening to roll in.
"You don't have to look at me with such suspicious eyes. You'll find out everything later."
"I don't like that."
"Direct, aren't you."
"I'd be grateful if you just told me you're a truthful person without any lies."
"A truthful person? You?"
"Yeah."
"Even if you're going to lie, you shouldn't tell that kind of lie. You have no lies? You're a truthful person? Then why are you hesitating? Why are you afraid?"
"......Afraid? Me? I don't know what you're talking about."
Again. That word again.
What on earth did they see in me that even Noona, the homeroom teacher, and now Yoon Narae all say the same thing?
"Yeah. 'Afraid' doesn't quite fit. Then I'll correct it."
"......"
I could already predict what Yoon Narae's next words would be.
"Don't turn your eyes away from reality."
"......I've never done that."
"You're turning your eyes away from reality even now."
"That must be your misconception."
"No. It isn't my misconception."
The way she spoke as if she knew me well, as if she were somehow superior, was irritating.
How well do you think you know me to say something like that?
Everything you know about me came from Jin Jo-hwa and the homeroom teacher, didn't it?
How long have we even known each other, and what makes you so great that you can say those things?
If you think you have the right to speak to me like that, you'd better put that idea away. I'm not in any relationship with you. On the subject of having no connection to me at all, on the subject of not even knowing me......! Don't talk as if you understand me!
"Then—"
"?"
"—what kind of person am I? That I deny reality, turn my eyes away from it, and am full of lies? Then what kind of human do you see when you look at me!"
An overdose of adrenaline had made me emotional.
My words and actions had grown rougher than before.
Yet Yoon Narae showed not the slightest agitation. Instead she wore a provocative smile on her lips.
What is that smile? Are you laughing at me?