Lost My Pieces — You Became a Part of My Life

Bianca, it's me. I'm going to confess to Carlyle tomorrow. Confession day.

Reading that text, Vita froze, her breath catching in her throat. Her amethyst eyes ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠shook endlessly, without respite.

Why had Emily sent her a message like this? Why call her Bianca? Why not Vita?

The rest of the text was just as bewildering.

Her hands clutched her head, beginning to tremble faintly. Vita pulled her knees together, resting her forehead against them as her body shuddered.

But only a little. Because she had a vague inkling.

Her emotions were shifting.

"Why... me...?"

Why couldn't she go back? Vita suddenly recalled the doctor's words from earlier.

"Miss Bianca—or should I say, Vita... Did you truly want to go back with all your heart...?"

Her thoughts halted there.

Did she really need to define her own sincerity? Of course she just wanted to return to normal, and she planned to cheer on Emily and Carlyle.

'Of course, it was sincere...'

Her thoughts stalled again.

A urge to hide. A wish not to know.

Maybe the hints she'd given herself weren't her true feelings.

A chaotic question surged from within, momentarily overtaking her mind.

'I...'

What did she really want?

She'd tried to go back to being male. No special reason. It was just the natural order.

But at the same time, a voice from a corner of her heart.

'Be honest, Vita.'

If she ignored others' gazes and opinions...

What did she want?

Vita kept thinking.

'I'm fake...'

As a woman, she was fake. A counterfeit that could never be real. She couldn't deceive everyone—except her family—for the rest of her life.

Or maybe...

'I could deceive them if I tried...'

But she herself knew the truth.

That's why Vita was scared.

'As Bianca Shama...'

Did she have the confidence to live on as Bianca Shama? The confidence to fool everyone?

The realization came from the most absurd reason: she'd fallen for Carlyle Schultz.

Rationally, at that.

Realizing that fact made Vita terrified of everything.

'No self...'

Yeah, that's right. She had no confidence at all.

Neither as a woman nor as a man. She was an in-between existence that belonged nowhere.

'If Carlyle knew... that truth...'

That scared her too.

Even kind Emily Swan had reacted that way.

[No, I mean... It's weird for a guy to like Carlyle, right? It just doesn't feel right...]

Yeah, that's how it was. Vita knew Emily's reaction wasn't strange.

'That's society's view. Normal people's perception.'

Society had clear common sense.

So Carlyle might too.

"You're disgusting."

He might say that if he learned the truth. He could get angry at being deceived all this time. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Become cold. Look at her with contempt.

'That's... what scares me.'

Just imagining it, Vita knew she couldn't bear it.

If Carlyle did that to her, she couldn't endure.

Somehow, he'd become such a huge presence in her life—she didn't even know how it happened.

Imagining him doing that...

"Hah... ugh..."

The mere thought tormented her; breathing grew hard, forcing deep breaths.

So, ironically.

Vita had faced her feelings and reality.

Something that fit the world's logic. Common sense.

Her heart had strayed from that.

So going back was obviously right—she'd kept telling herself that.

She thought sorting out 'Bianca Shama's' emotions and ties would make it okay.

Back to a boring but peaceful, ordinary life.

Just studying, watching anime occasionally, hanging out with junior Lou at cosplay fests. A flat, steady life.

But really...

Did she want to abandon everything as 'Bianca Shama'?

Excluding the fact she was originally male.

Ignoring others' gazes and common sense entirely...

Did she really just want to go back?

No lingering attachments?

Was her desire to return truly desperate and sincere?

Vita cherished Vita Shama's memories as much as she did.

But Bianca Shama's too—they were precious.

Maybe the latter more, despite the shorter time.

In that brief span, she'd experienced so much, learned new emotions, grown.

If there were things she had to do and things she wanted to do...

The latter was probably her true heart.

Then what was her true feeling? Where did it belong?

'I really...'

What did she want?

What was her true heart?

To answer, Vita had work to do.

So, from the beginning.

She had to revisit everything as Bianca Shama.

Looking back from the start.

Bianca Shama's time was barely two months—like a firefly's glow.

She'd learned so much new, felt diverse emotions.

And always by her side: Carlyle Schultz.

Her rival she'd dismissed as annoying.

But he kept approaching persistently, closing the distance.

[Why's a girl like you so helpless?]

[Buzz off, mind your own business?]

Recalling that, Vita burst out laughing—puh.

Yeah, ridiculously.

Her complicated mood from moments ago eased.

'...Definitely annoying and irritating at first.'

Back then, she really disliked him.

But before she knew it...

Learning sides of him she hadn't known, understanding him more.

Unknowingly, she started changing.

'Why does he always treat me like a girl?'

That annoyed her at first.

She didn't know when she'd started going along with his shameless pace.

[Gimme, dummy.]

['Cause I like you.]

Even when she refused!

Carlyle kept coming closer.

Like when those thugs from the other academy, Nathan and his crew, nearly got her.

Carlyle Schultz was there.

[You okay...?]

His low, rumbling voice.

His embrace felt warm, reassuring for some reason.

She panicked.

Under the crimson streetlights.

Like a bizarre dream, walking while staring at his back.

Such a strange feeling. Indescribably odd.

[Wait here a sec.]

That gentle voice left her feeling lost.

'Uh, whoa...!'

Grabbing his clothes unconsciously; him teasing her about it later, her fuming after he left.

'Hope he trips and smashes his nose!'

All those memories flooded back.

'...I was a bit harsh.'

Vita chuckled.

She'd reflected then too.

But after, the delicious parfait he bought.

Sitting in the park together. All remembered.

At Wizni Park.

Only fun memories.

[Wanna go? Or not?]

No hesitation in her answer.

'Go, absolutely...!'

Magical Girl Eve collab, weird rides.

First amusement park since childhood; she was thrilled.

[Kyaaaaah—!]

Hearing her own scream on the ride, thinking it weird.

[Why buy it just to lug it around yourself?]

Pondering if Magical Girl merch suited her.

What Carlyle said.

[R-Really...?]

Gathering a bit of courage, wearing the merch.

The evening casino parade.

Cheers of 'wows,' lively instruments.

Fireworks under the night sky.

[Here, try it.]

Mindlessly eating the churros he offered, then freezing at her own actions.

Vita remembered it all.

'Eh, wait... what am I doing?'

But looking back, it didn't feel bad.

The excited atmosphere.

The joy.

'Then the haunted house...'

Crying and wailing.

Embarrassing even now; Vita pressed her forehead.

The ferris wheel incident.

Recalling it flushed her cheeks.

First Magic Day as Bianca Shama.

[Body okay?]

[...No fever, seems.]

His hand gently stroking her forehead, face serious with worry.

[Blech—]

Horrified by the porridge he made.

[You... you've never made porridge before, have you?!]

It was disgustingly bad; she nearly puked.

But honestly...

'I was a little touched...'

First time someone outside family nursed her.

Her mood was odd then.

Vita kept recalling.

[Why assume I'd like it on your say-so?]

Her blunder in front of Emily and Carlyle.

'That jerk Carlyle...!'

Thinking that, yet hurting when he distanced himself, feeling wronged by his avoidance.

[Huh, why...?]

Ending up crying in the gym storeroom.

First time seeing Carlyle flustered.

[Sorry, my bad.]

He apologized first.

Though she was the one wrong.

Hesitant, Vita swallowed her pride and apologized first.

[Sorry, me too...]

For her slip-up.

[I lost the election to you and got petty jealous. But it wasn't sincere.]

Her first apology to someone else.

Overly competitive, sky-high pride.

After, he walked her home; she cooked.

[Feel honored!]

Her risotto—leagues above his awful porridge—let her gloat.

Watching anime together, messing up. Remembered.

[Good job, you...!]

Sports day teamwork moments.

His bemused smile at her joy in winning.

[M-Mom...?!]

Meeting his mom, both panicking.

[What kind of studying is this—!]

Caught in his scheme, studying embarrassingly, but scores were good—shocking.

Around then, vague self-awareness.

'Carlyle... treats me like...'

A girl; swept up despite snapping out of it. Dangerous, recent thought.

'Yeah, but...'

Ended up like this.

Vita let out an incredulous chuckle.

And the school trip.

[I'll take Carlyle...?]

Hearing Emily, her mind blanked.

'Why tell me...?'

Courage test, spaced out, tumbled down a slope.

Didn't realize then, but shocked Carlyle partnered with Emily.

Not Emily bothering her.

It was Carlyle.

She already liked him then, she thinks.

[It's okay now.]

Messy mood. Cold, hurt, exhausted.

That chaos eased surprisingly with one person: Carlyle Schultz finding her.

The guy who came in the rain.

Held in his arms, Vita felt okay instantly.

Even without him saying it.

Dim cabin light.

Recalled confession.

[Being with you is always fun. Comfortable.]

[...I like you, Bianca.]

That immeasurable emotion then.

Face burning, hard to breathe.

Yet he just held her.

Yeah, why? Now she kinda gets it.

That heart twinge was probably a premonition even then.

A feeling that couldn't come true, shouldn't have.

'...Yeah, that was it.'

She'd ended up with it anyway.

After all memories.

Vita's face went blank.

Major ones alone were so many.

Just now, giggling amid recollections.

Now realizing one thing.

Her expression clouded.

'...Yeah, you.'

Were always by my side.

Short time, but every Bianca Shama memory had Carlyle Schultz.

Because he was there.

Always at ease, sometimes fun.

Shameless, but kind too.

'When I was a girl, I was always with you.'

Vita realized.

Every day new, each one good.

Because of Carlyle Schultz.

Tomorrow as 'Bianca Shama' was always exciting.

So Vita was too...

'I... you...'

Looking back now.

I liked you, Carlyle.

Realizing it.

Already fallen for her shameless rival.

Weird, but she'd stopped liking Carlyle? No, started.

This was Vita's true heart.

Her real, clear fact.

Yeah, one thing.

A clear fact.

'Yeah, I...'

Vita did.

She liked Carlyle Schultz.

It happened.

Absentmindedly, Vita noticed the ring on her finger.

The one Carlyle gave during ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the school trip.

Maybe meaningless, nothing special.

'Still... should I have returned it?'

Vita smiled wryly.

But it wasn't free either.

'If I'd known we'd end like this...'

Yeah, should've given it back.

At the same time, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Vita realized she'd treasured it.

'Why did I...'

She knew the answer.

"...I like you, Carlyle."

She said it aloud.

Saying it brought certainty.

Yeah, now.

Couldn't deny it anymore.

"Ha... haha..."

Vita laughed hollowly.

But her heart overflowed uncontrollably.

Said it again for no reason.

"...I like you, Carlyle."

Truly, sincerely.

How'd it come to this?

'...No idea.'

Too scared, tried to run.

You became too likable, but weird after all.

'But still, I think... I like you.'

His kindness.

His consideration.

Always reliable, gentle.

Speech and actions changed unknowingly.

Different with junior Lou vs. Carlyle.

Carlyle made her a girl.

But not uncomfortable.

'...Being by you is so easy.'

Heart at ease, fun together.

Mood fluffy, floating.

With him, Vita always felt good.

Didn't know when it started.

She liked Carlyle Schultz.

Maybe as he wished, it ended this way.

So she grew more scared.

If he learned everything and left her?

Didn't want to imagine.

She was originally male.

Not a real girl.

'So this feeling...'

Must give up, that's right.

Liked him, truly, but had to.

Fits logic.

Yeah, but.

'Why... me?'

Drip— drip—

Tears welled, trickling down her cheeks.

Unknowingly.

'I see, me...'

Vita realized anew.

'I've been leaning on you all this time.'

After becoming a girl, as Bianca Shama.

Leaning on Carlyle Schultz's kindness.

That gentleness masked as shamelessness—she'd relied on it.

'So I...'

Fell for you.

Knew rationally it was weird.

But couldn't help liking.

You became part of my life.

You grew precious, overwhelmingly so.

First time feeling this.

Yeah, now.

Now Vita knew.

It wasn't Emily Swan she liked.

First love was Carlyle Schultz, turns out.

He meant so much.

Short time together precious.

But as a girl, counterfeit; kept deceiving him.

Didn't want to hurt him with lies, or be hurt herself.

'...So I gave up.'

Ran away.

Yeah, now.

Vita Shama realized.

'I didn't want to go back to being male.'

Funny.

Because of one person, Carlyle Schultz.

Didn't want to.

No plan even.

Ignored true heart; it was that.

Vita now knew.

No matter how weird others thought, even herself.

Deep in heart, another feeling.

No confidence, took all the pills.

No way to convince him or herself.

But now, can't go back.

It's happened.

Now Vita's heart was fully a woman's—even its colors.

Because of Carlyle Schultz.

Her face tear-streaked, but hands urgently sought her phone.

Checked the text again.

Emily confessing to Carlyle today.

Didn't grasp her intent fully.

Kind, pretty girl; charming even with slips.

Carlyle would accept such Emily.

Plus, already disappointed in Vita.

'Maybe today, those two...'

Get together.

Then her? Bianca Shama couldn't be by Carlyle's side like before.

No place for her.

Emily and Carlyle.

Emily instead of her.

Imagining that—

'...I hate that.'

Vita hated it.

Facing her true heart.

Liked Carlyle Schultz.

Yeah, him.

Now Vita faced it.

Tried to give up.

Couldn't.

Her heart bigger than world's views.

Precisely, Carlyle that important.

Might be too late.

No countermeasures.

Still, hated losing him.

That thought dominated now.

Snapping to, wiping tears, throwing on clothes haphazardly.

Vita bolted from the room.

'Please, don't...!'

Don't abandon me.

Laughable now, she knew.

But hated it.

Couldn't give up.

Sunday, 4 PM.

Vita started running.

Two golden eyes took in only the letter.

Carlyle Schultz had learned the whole truth.

Well, not fully grasping the letter's content, but what was before his eyes mattered most.

Breath caught.

Hands trembled faintly.

In the end, Bianca Shama liked him too.

Ridiculous situation, but Carlyle felt joy even so.

Chills ran over him.

Still, it was Bianca Shama's letter; he kept reading.

Hard to believe.

Felt like grasping something precious nearly missed.

Too valuable. Meaningful.

His golden eyes ignited with resolve.

Glanced at time.

Now, 4 PM.

One hour till Bianca's train.

'Not anymore.'

Absolutely, he.

Couldn't let her go.

Confirmed her heart; even more so.

Carlyle finally rose from the cafe seat.

He'd waited all this time.

Soon, they'd meet.

'You and me.'

Once together again, never letting go.

Sunday, 4 PM.

Carlyle started running too.