The Weight of Confession

That was everything I wanted to tell you.

Ji-ah finished speaking. The story that had begun when the sun was high in the sky only ended after it had set. Her confession seemed to seep quietly into me. I felt overwhelmed by the brutal life she had lived through. She had held back in her words, but it was easy to guess there were loops she hadn’t mentioned. How many people in the world could take their own lives multiple times? Even those who only attempted suicide suffered immense physical and mental trauma from the failure alone. The weight in Ji-ah’s voice, forged through such agonizing trials, was heavy beyond measure.

“……I’m sorry. It’s hard to believe, right? You can think I’m crazy. That’s fine. I was prepared for how you might see me.”

“No. I believe you.”

I answered her trembling voice. Ji-ah looked surprised, as if she hadn’t expected me to accept it so easily. But I had no choice but to believe her. The first day I met her in my one-room apartment, she had known the passcode—something I had never told anyone. Not only that, I had been a virgin until I slept with her. No one else could possibly know my most sensitive spots, things even I hadn’t fully understood about myself. Just as she had said, after having sex with her I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠really did awaken a new special ability. If I hadn’t slept with her that day and failed to awaken it, I would have been killed by the elves during the gate observation incident.

“Then what about when you suddenly disappeared during the gate observation?”

“I was cleaning up the surroundings so they wouldn’t interfere with you. Do you remember the monster cries echoing through the forest?”

“I remember. I was curious because they suddenly stopped.”

Ji-ah nodded and continued.

“The fight with the elf was necessary. I needed to fully awaken the incomplete self-healing ability. And I needed the elf’s weapon too.”

So while I was fighting the elf, Ji-ah had been clearing the battlefield around us to prevent any interference. That explained both her sudden disappearance ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and the monster howls that had filled the forest. If monsters had rushed in during the battle with the elf, we would have been in serious trouble. Special abilities tend to awaken more easily in extreme situations. The fight with the elf had been essential. It let me fully awaken my incomplete self-healing ability and obtain the elf’s dagger.

“Ji-ah, you’re strong, aren’t you? How strong exactly?”

“……Do I have to say?”

“It’s fine. I won’t get jealous or anything. I just want to know.”

“I’ve never entered an official ranking, but I could cover the entire Korean peninsula by myself.”

“Whoa……”

Ji-ah spoke in a small, embarrassed voice. The scale was bigger than I had imagined. None of the rankers I knew could confidently claim they could cover the entire peninsula. At best, they might handle major urban areas like Seoul or Busan. The old ‘Original 5’ had literally traveled the world, but they were an extremely special case. There were even assessments that today’s rankers fell short compared to them.

“Ahem. And there’s one last thing I want to say.”

“What is it?”

Ji-ah changed the subject and looked straight at me. Her eyes were so clear and upright it was hard to believe she had lived through countless lives.

“Hyun-do. Even though I knew you would be in danger, I didn’t say anything.”

“……”

“No matter how much I watched over you from the sidelines, and even if you had the self-healing ability, the fact that you still got hurt doesn’t change.”

“……”

“I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.”

Ji-ah bowed her head to me. She seemed to carry a deep sense of guilt. Perhaps in her past lives, she had never deliberately allowed me to get hurt. Her tightly shut eyes seemed to say she was ready to humbly accept whatever I might say.

“It’s okay.”

I pulled her head toward me and held her against my chest. Ji-ah was trembling in my arms. I patted her shoulder and stroked the back of her head as I continued.

“Without you, I would have died inside that gate. You saved me. You didn’t commit any crime, and you don’t need to ask for forgiveness. If anything, I’m sorry I couldn’t thank you properly.”

It was true. If Ji-ah hadn’t come to me, I would have been ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠torn to pieces by that elf. I was the one who should be expressing gratitude.

“Thank you for saving me.”

“Yeah.”

“You came back for me again and again. It must have been hard.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been through so much. It’s okay now.”

Ji-ah buried her face deeper into my chest as if trying to burrow inside. She curled up small and trembled. I could feel my shirt growing wet with her tears. The sight was so pitiful and heartbreaking that I simply held her quietly for a long time.

How much time had passed? When Ji-ah finally lifted her head, her eyes were slightly red.

“I’m sorry. I showed you an ugly side of me.”

“You’re apologizing again. It’s okay to do that.”

Ji-ah smiled awkwardly and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. There must have still been tears left, because the sleeve came away slightly damp. I deliberately spoke in a bright tone to change the mood.

“So what do we do from now on? We got through this gate incident, but there will be a next time, right?”

The fates of death that kept coming for Ha Hyun-do weren’t just one or two. I felt a bit ridiculous thinking it, but it was like I wasn’t a cockroach—I died at the slightest provocation. No, from what Ji-ah had told me, it was more like I was sticking my head straight into the jaws of fate.

“There’s a way for you to become stronger faster and more efficiently than anything else.”

“There is? How?”

“……”

Ji-ah suddenly pressed her lips tightly together. She hesitated, her mouth opening and closing as if she was struggling to speak. After a moment of thought, she let out a sigh and opened her mouth.

“Hyun-do.”

“Yeah. Will you tell me?”

“Have sex with other women. As many as possible.”

“……”

“The fastest way for an Awakened to grow stronger is to awaken new special abilities. You know that, right?”

“I do. But……”

“You gained the self-healing ability after having sex with me. The same thing happened when you had sex with other women—you awakened new abilities.”

“You don’t mind? Me having sex with other women?”

“Of course I mind. Even thinking about it now makes my chest feel tight. But it’s necessary.”

“……”

“At first, I tried getting stronger myself so I could protect you. But it didn’t work. The moment I took my eyes off you even for a second, you died. Protecting you by becoming stronger myself wasn’t the answer.”

“……”

“In all my past lives, the time when you were strongest and survived the longest was when you lived like a playboy.”

Ji-ah stated it as fact. After experiencing so many loops, her certainty had to be accurate. It felt strange. The special abilities I could never obtain no matter how hard I tried—I could get them through sex with the opposite sex. No matter what my ability was, how could I do that to Ji-ah? How could I do that to someone who had reset her life again and again just for me?

As if grabbing my spinning thoughts and forcing them to stop, Ji-ah spoke.

“You don’t need to feel burdened because of me. You don’t even have to think of me as your lover.”

In this life, Lee Ji-ah was simply Ha Hyun-do’s sex partner. That was what she said.

“……I’m sorry. Give me some time to think.”

“Okay. But I can’t give you much. There isn’t much time.”

Ji-ah nodded. The mention of no time meant my next scheduled death was approaching.

“I’ll go now.”

“Yeah. Thanks for listening to my story today.”

I left Ji-ah’s studio apartment. She stood at the entrance of the building, watching me go. When I returned to my own place, I didn’t even eat dinner. I just sat there, lost in thought.

Death, or a promiscuous life. The answer was already decided. Since I had already had physical contact with Professor Baek Seol-hee and not just Ji-ah, there was no point in agonizing over it. More than anything else, I didn’t want to die yet. There were so many things I still wanted to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠do, so many things I hadn’t tried. I stood up from where I sat and called Ji-ah. Once I had made up my mind, I needed to move quickly. If I trusted Ji-ah and acted, I could avoid my fate.

There was just one thing—one single thing—I had to keep in mind.

From now on, Ha Hyun-do would become a playboy who touched countless women for his own sake. But I wouldn’t settle for purely transactional sex. I had once read a Japanese proverb: If you’re going to eat poison, eat the plate too. I would thoroughly make every one of those women—whose faces I didn’t even know yet—completely mine.

Ji-ah’s voice over the phone was calm. Even though the situation must be unbearably painful for her from now on.

Ji-ah paused for a moment before speaking.

For some reason, I had expected that. Although she hadn’t said anything, Ji-ah seemed certain that something would happen between me and Professor Baek Seol-hee. Maybe it had already happened in a previous future.