What Do You Want?
What the hell do you want from me.
8. What the hell do you want from me.
My body no longer trembled. A month, maybe two. If I counted from the very beginning, it must have taken roughly three months for things to reach this point. My body no longer shook because fear had become an organ inside me, fused to my insides. I simply sat curled on the bed with dead eyes, face buried between my knees, waiting for the Demon King to arrive.
The Demon King left her seat less and less often. She no longer went out immediately after waking. She ate every meal beside me, even at lunch. She entered the bath with me and washed my body herself. The more I saw her, the closer I was forced to be, the less I could understand her. After raping me like she wanted to kill me, she would play house as if it were all a game. Haha. Hahaha. And whenever she had to leave the room, the moment she returned she would reach for me, petting my hair into a mess without even removing her cloak, cooing over me like a pet. I felt nothing from the gesture—only revulsion, flinching whenever her hand touched me. Yet she seemed to like that reaction even more. The more I became an empty shell, moving only when she guided me, the deeper her attachment grew.
By now I understood. She wanted a doll with no will of its own. One that never spoke, never acted, simply waited in silence for its master. A doll she could pour affection into without resistance. The problem was that this doll was not a stuffed toy like those given to ordinary children. It was a person. Worse still, it was the very person who had nearly killed her.
And unfortunately, that person was me.
Yet even that explanation felt wrong. I distinctly remembered landing a meaningful blow on the hero. So why me? Why only me? Why, why, why, why, why only me? Why did it have to be me? I… I just wanted to be happy with the others. To live peacefully with good people. That was all I had ever wished for. If this was how it would end, I should have died with Justitia. If this was the outcome, I should have bitten my tongue and died instead of crawling away that day.
Demon King, Demon King, Demon King. I hate you. I hate you so much I could die. No matter what you do, I will never forgive you. I will never, ever forgive you. If only you had never existed in this world. If only you had never been born… we would have been happy.
What exactly are you fighting so desperately for? What is it you want so badly that you would go this far? Why did I have to become like this?
Half of every twenty-four-hour day was spent drowning in these thoughts—hating the woman, the existence that had destroyed everything I was—while simultaneously resigning myself to the fact that I could do nothing. Sometimes the disgust grew so overwhelming I tore at my own hair. Yet the moment the Demon King appeared, that hatred and revulsion vanished as though they had never existed.
“Were you well?”
“……”
Having abandoned everything, I simply pressed my face into her hand and rubbed against it. Because if I didn’t… if I refused… I would be bound again, and then— No. No. No no no no. I hate it. I hate it. Fine. I understand. I’ll obey you. Just leave me alone. Please, just leave me be.
Swish, swish——
Even so, I was fortunate. Once I began behaving like a pet, she stopped tying me up. The collar remained—she showed no intention of removing it—but at least it had loosened enough that I could breathe. Still, my health continued to deteriorate. Perhaps my immunity had collapsed along with my spirit. Even a simple cold left me burning with fever as though I were dying, coughing endlessly with a voice thick with phlegm. Only after dozens of attendants, Jemma included, gathered to nurse me did I finally recover. After that illness, my body grew even thinner. Already small, I became so frail it was impossible to tell whether I was a person, a doll, or merely bones. Watching in silence, the Demon King seemed to have an idea.
Swish——
She took my thin wrist and asked, “Do you want to go outside?”
Her words reached eyes that had long since lost any spark. It was far, far too late. In my current state, stepping outside would only end with me tripping and splitting my head open. More than that, I simply didn’t want to go out anymore. Everything involving the Demon King disgusted me. I would rather have remained ill and tended by the attendants than spend another moment with her. Yet even as my body screamed its hatred, I could not refuse her offer. I knew exactly what would follow refusal. Even in this condition, I suspected this madwoman was still perfectly capable of lust. If the favor she offered was one she rarely gave, it was better to accept it than to suffer the alternative. I took her hand and nodded. The fact that I gave no voice to it was my final act of defiance—or perhaps I simply no longer had the strength to speak.
Step——
Led by her hand, I wore a fluttering dress and cape I had never worn before and stood before the mirror with the Demon King before stepping outside. When I first saw myself in those clothes, I already knew how emaciated and frail I had become, yet somehow the garments suited the body, making it look almost beautiful. The realization only hastened the death of my will. Still, supported by her hand, I carefully placed one foot after another and stepped into the fresh air. Even so… even so, my mind felt somewhat clearer. The sensation was marginally better. The greatest problem, of course, was that the Demon King remained at my side. No matter how ventilated my thoughts became, the disgust never left; it only made me wish to die all the more.
Step——
For some reason, the Demon King not only held both my hands and supported me but also matched my pace exactly. I looked up at her face with a blank expression, puzzled by her strange behavior today.
“…Have you improved a little?”
Disgusting. No matter how much her actions had changed, she remained disgusting. I wanted to die from the revulsion. That bitch had destroyed everything I was. And now she was taking me for a walk and asking if I had improved? Improved? If you were in my place, would you have improved? With a bastard like you beside me——
Supported by the Demon King, I arrived at the garden and was seated in a chair she indicated. As she walked away alone, a faint sense of relief began to rise within me. Even though I felt no real sense of reality in finally being allowed to sit in the garden and catch my breath—the very situation I had longed for—the fresh air created by the flowers, grass, and rare green plants of the Demon Realm seemed to soothe, however slightly, everything inside me that had been rotting. I curled my body, eyes gradually growing moist as I stared at the ground.
“……”
I was so moved that I could spend this moment alone in leisure. So saddened that I could simply sit here with nothing to do but breathe. It felt as though my long-constricted throat had finally opened a little. Yet the fact that I could remain here without a single worry felt unreal. No—unreal was only natural. Once this hour ended, I would be locked away again, reduced to a pet. That was why the tears came. There was no escape. No matter what I did, there was no escape. Whenever I gave up and prepared to die, the Demon King would dangle a tiny spark of hope before me, using it to torment me. She would let it hover just within reach, only to snatch it away again. It truly felt like I was going to die. If I could, I would lie in a place like this garden for the rest of my life. I wanted to live and die in this free, fresh air. Where exactly was I going to die? Yes, you watching from over there. You hiding in the corner shadows. Let’s make a bet. I will definitely die beside the Demon King. I will grow old in that pitch-black room with her until the day I finally drop dead. This fucking— I’ll bet on the Demon King’s neck. If her neck gets cut off, I lose. How about it? Please. So please, someone… anyone…
“I want… to go back……!”
In the end, sitting alone in the garden, I began to sob into my hands. No one was watching me. No one was beside me. That fact both hurt and comforted me. The fact that I had to feel all these emotions in such a simple environment was so wretched I could not bear it. I wanted to go back so badly. If a demon offered to return me to the past in exchange for my soul, I would accept without hesitation. I would enjoy only what I wanted to enjoy, then gladly hand over my soul. Ah, right. That was how it would be. My soul was already so rotten it had crumbled to dust; even a demon would call it worthless.
“……”
I lifted my face, no longer capable of shedding tears, and looked up at the sky. The artificial sun created by magic was slowly descending, disappearing beyond the ceiling. As the pitch-black artificial sky, stars, and moon took its place, darkness gradually swallowed the garden the sun had illuminated. Staring blankly at the sight, I blinked when I noticed the Demon King standing beside me.
“…Is it time to go back……?”
I asked if our time was up. The Demon King gazed down at me in silence for a moment, then gestured toward the table beside us, directing my attention there.
“……”
At some point, black tea and pastries for afternoon tea had been prepared. I stared at them quietly before lowering my head a little.
“…I don’t want to eat.”
The Demon King observed me for a moment, then spoke.
“I made them myself, so there shouldn’t be any problem.”
What nonsense. Why would there be no problem just because you made them? I couldn’t understand at all. What exactly was this Demon King saying to me? She wasn’t even joking. She was saying something so absurd with complete seriousness, and I had no idea how to respond. It wasn’t even a split personality. What the hell… what the hell was she—
“……”
I felt my expression twist grotesquely with every word she spoke, yet I still reached out and brought the teacup closer to my mouth.
“……”
The scent of the tea was familiar. It was the same tea Jemma always served me. Knowing the Demon King had made it, I felt as though every organ in my body was beginning to rot. Still, I forced myself to take a sip.
“……”
After swishing it around in my mouth for a moment, I asked, “It’s too bitter…… Did you steep it properly?”
“……I removed the tea leaves a little late.”
The Demon King wore an awkward expression—the first time I had ever seen her look embarrassed, like a girl her age.
“……”
I nearly spat out the tea I had just drunk. How could the Demon King act like a girl her age? In my mind, she was already nothing more or less than a monster. It couldn’t be helped. Right now, every single part of the Demon King—from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair and every finger and toe—filled me with nothing but disgust. It couldn’t be helped.
“……”
The only fortunate thing was that even this bitter black tea had its charm. So I drank the entire cup in one long, leisurely motion without a word, then gathered the courage to reach for a pastry. Yet somehow… how should I put it……
“……”
The closer my hand drew to the pastry, the more intensely I felt the Demon King’s gaze. She was reacting with extreme nervousness. It made eating unbearably uncomfortable and unpleasant. What right did she have to expect praise? I knew she had made them, but that was exactly why I hated them. Why was she fidgeting beside me, clearly fishing for compliments? This damned woman. Still, fearing the consequences, I had no choice but to pick up one of the pastries. I closed my eyes and put it in my mouth.
“……”
This fucking— It was delicious. Damnably delicious. This damned, cursed, fucking— I liked it. It felt like I was about to cry. Why did I have to like cookies made by the Demon King? Because if I didn’t show that I liked them, she would go insane, so of course I had to! I knew that! I knew it!!!!
I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the Demon King cautiously.
“It’s…… good.”
She smiled with such deep satisfaction, then carefully stroked my hair. When I flinched in surprise, she continued the motion slowly, gently, as though she knew I was afraid.
“I’m glad.”
Truly. Even though she knew how much I despised her, she deliberately—deliberately—acted this way. She already knew I would try to take revenge. She knew I stared into the mirror every day trying to steady my mind. It was as if she stalked my every move, knowing even the parts of my body I myself did not know, knowing my feelings better than I did. Did she simply want to break my patience? Did she want to see me finally bare my teeth and rebel? Or did she just want to tie me up and torment me again? Was that really it……? None of this was for my sake……?
“……”
Realizing once again, in despair, that I had played right into the Demon King’s hands, I mechanically ate the prepared food without knowing whether I was consuming cookies or my own entrails. The Demon King removed her hand from my hair and spoke.
“Tonight, let’s sleep somewhere else.”
“……”
I looked up at her with puzzled eyes and swallowed the remaining cookie crumbs.
“There are many things I want to say.”
It seemed the time had come. The Demon King delivered what felt like a death sentence. Soon—very soon—I would lose control and lunge at her. Smiling as though she had caught me in a trap, the Demon King would bind me and rape me like the madwoman she was. My already worn-out mind would shatter all over again. Ha. Hahahahaha. Why…… Why did this body like cookies? The tea had been brewed so poorly it had no taste at all, yet after eating just that, why did I start thinking the Demon King’s words might be worth listening to? Could this also be part of her scheme? To make me obedient so she could push me to the absolute limit and make me explode? This petty, filthy, disgusting…… This trash of a Demon King. This damned—
Step——
Yet what choice had I ever possessed? I had never been able to choose anything. From the beginning, there had only ever been one option available to me. If the Demon King wanted it this way, then it had to be this way. She had already confiscated every choice I might have made, leaving me truly unable to do anything. I could only move and speak as she desired, rampage as she wished, and be raped as she pleased.
Step——
Yet no matter how much I despaired, wailed, or screamed, time inevitably led me to the final moment. With all choices stolen from me, only the terrible conclusion rushing toward me remained. Supported by the Demon King, I followed her to a hidden circular staircase concealed by magic. Slightly bewildered by the stairs that seemed to lead upward from underground, I climbed them with her. She sent me out first, hid the stairs again, then took my hand once more.
“This is the surface,” she told me. “It is also our fortress—the place you once destroyed so enthusiastically.”
I felt a strange mix of familiarity and surprise at how quickly the repairs had been completed, yet I wondered why she was showing me this now. The Demon King led me outside the Demon King’s castle.
“Right now, it is only the two of us. The human nations are unstable, so they won’t be attacking us for a while…… The other executives and attendants are busy with their own duties, so no one will be able to follow us.”
Walking across the open plain with me, she looked up at the actual night sky. Her words only made my mood worse, yet for some reason I had the distinct feeling that what she was about to say would differ greatly from my expectations. The fact that no one would follow us sounded almost as if she were saying I could run away right now—as if she had no intention of harming me. I felt a strange sense of unease. Why? Why was the Demon King suddenly treating me so kindly? Was she simply planning to kill me? Had I become useless, so she was giving me one last meal before burying me? But that didn’t feel like harm either. No, this could simply be my own misunderstanding. After being imprisoned for over half a year, I was finally seeing the real outside world again. The long-missed outside air and the emotional reunion were genuinely clearing my mind. It might be my own misunderstanding. The Demon King still—still——
Crackle, whoosh———
Before I knew it, the Demon King and I had walked so far that the Demon King’s castle was no longer visible. Confirming this, she gathered dry branches and lit a campfire. She spread the cloak-like garment she wore on the ground, sat upon it, and beckoned me over. When I approached, she carefully pulled me into her arms and helped me settle onto her lap.
Swish———
“……Is it warm?”
With the Demon King’s warmth at my back and the campfire’s warmth in front, I nodded silently and stared blankly at the flames. From the very beginning I had not understood why the Demon King was doing this to me, so even now I had no idea what she intended. I had been on guard, tense the entire time—yet now, sitting in her embrace while watching the campfire, I felt something almost warm enough to melt even a thousand-year grudge. Of course, that did not change how repulsive I still found her existence. Still, something…… something kept feeling strange. So strange it made me uncomfortable.
“……”
As I stared vacantly at the fire, the crackling of burning dry wood echoed across the wide plain. Unlike me, the Demon King had been looking at the sky. She carefully opened her mouth and finally began to speak.
“……This is the place I like most.”
I quietly watched the flames and listened to her voice. As she spoke, she began stroking my hair. Slowly, she became one with the moonlight high above.
“Every year, without fail, I come here on this day.”
She was telling an old story.
“Whenever I dream, I always dream of this place.”
The Demon King spoke as though immersed in the memory of that day, occasionally pausing, her gaze never leaving the sky. When I grew slightly impatient and followed her line of sight upward—
“……”
I found myself unable to look away from the sky, just like her.
“My memories began here.”
The sky resembled a pitch-black canvas. Yet it was not only a canvas; countless white dots had been scattered across it like someone had flung paint, each one shining brilliantly. Those lights gathered to form one enormous, beautiful blue rift. The Milky Way. Even during my human days, even when I had come here several times to subjugate the Demon King, I had never seen such a sight.
“I have no memories from before this…… but……”
It was so beautiful my heart trembled, as though the sky itself might crush me at any moment. Against the backdrop of that empty, vast sea of stars—so beautiful it hurt—the Demon King slowly began to tell her story.
“If there is one thing I remember……”
The Demon King looked at me, who had begun to focus intently on her story, then touched her broken horn and closed her eyes.
“It was a very, very long time ago.”
She spoke the fact I had been unable to believe. The fact I had been denying.
“I was once human.”