Yuda, the Traitor's Name
Yuda, the traitor’s name. 22. Yuda, the traitor’s name.
After receiving Belberman’s help, I was immediately dragged to the hospital. Countless doctors swarmed over me and performed surgery. Even a court mage-physician skilled in magitech medicine—an art not yet widespread at the time—was summoned to treat me desperately. Only then did I truly realize how extraordinary it had been that I managed to stay conscious at all. Until that moment, I hadn’t even understood the full extent of my injuries; I had simply thought the pain was unbearable. How had Belberman remained so calm while supporting me? The more I thought about it, the more remarkable he seemed. He had deliberately treated me that way so my condition wouldn’t worsen and so I could feel at ease. Of course, it might simply have been because such wounds meant nothing to him. Yet my instincts told me otherwise. I already knew Belberman was no fool. I had seen, time and again, how he handled the wounded. He always tried to keep them comfortable so their injuries wouldn’t worsen, and he worked to reassure them that their condition wasn’t as dire as it seemed. Even now, he had supported me with feigned nonchalance and filled the silence with idle chatter, pretending to be oblivious, all so I wouldn’t accept how critical my state truly was. When he spoke of Karman instead of Jeren—despite knowing how I felt about her—I became certain. Belberman was truly a monster. A monster who had survived countless battlefields and brutal fights at such a young age. That only made me respect him more. Little by little, I found myself wanting to become someone like him—someone reliable enough to protect Jeren, or anyone else, someone others could believe in. Belberman had become my idol as I lay on the operating table.
“……”
Fortunately, the surgery ended safely. Thanks to Belberman bringing me in just before the cells in my wounds died completely, within the golden hour, most of the injuries could be perfectly healed. When I finally opened my eyes on the hospital bed, the first to greet me were Karman and Belberman, who had been sitting on the floor beside the bed reading a book. Next came Cain and Evan.
“Sorry. It was my careless words that……”
“……I’m sorry too, Yuda.”
Evan looked utterly dejected, weighed down by guilt, convinced that the joke he had made out of a desire to grow closer had led to this. Cain, who had come with him, also apologized, saying it was his responsibility for failing to calm me that day. Though I couldn’t yet speak, I managed a smile to accept their apologies. Later, Felt, Pierta, and Justitia visited as well. They scolded me for my recklessness, yet ultimately acknowledged the proof of my foolishness with remarks like “I’ve seen you in a new light.” Their words carried sharp edges born of worry, but I didn’t mind. In fact, I rather liked it. It was never unpleasant.
After the lively visits ended and only Belberman remained, thinking the hospital rounds were over, Marian came to see me.
Tap—
“Hey, parasite……”
She still called me by that derogatory nickname, yet I found myself smiling, thinking it wasn’t so bad after all.
“I…… was sorry.”
Marian’s eyes welled with tears. “I knew everyone was looking at you unkindly…… so I should have looked after you, at least……”
“……”
I shook my head. It was enough. Marian, you had already done more than enough for me. I was the one who acted foolishly; you had done your best. Thanks to you, I hadn’t gone too far astray. I shook my head to ease her self-reproach.
“And…… this.”
Her expression somewhat improved, Marian showed me a luxurious rectangular box she had brought. “He said…… it was your favorite drink and asked me to give it to you.”
She made it clear in an instant who the gift was from. I stared at the box for a moment before managing, “……Tha……nks……” My voice sounded like metal scraping against an iron plate, yet I forced the words out.
“Ah, the doctor said not to speak!”
Even though it made Marian scold me, I could still smile brightly. Not only because she had brought me a gift, but also because of the person standing quietly behind the curtain of an empty bed across the room—her ankle visible beneath the swaying fabric in the breeze—though she never showed herself.
“……”
I spent a long time hospitalized like that. For several days Belberman stayed by my side to nurse me, and on the days he left for commissions, Justitia took care of me instead. Though I never saw Jeren during my stay, every so often—perhaps it was only my imagination—I felt a presence beyond the curtain of a distant bed, easing the ache of not seeing her. Sometimes, when I stirred in my sleep, I would wake to the sensation of her sharp gaze watching over me, yet I deliberately kept my eyes closed and pretended to sleep. I feared that if I opened them, she would leave as coldly as she had at our first meeting. So I kept my eyes shut, hoping she would stay by my side a little longer.
“……”
After such a long hospitalization, once my karmic debts were fully settled and the day of discharge arrived, no one was waiting for me outside the hospital. Yet when I returned to the tavern, everyone welcomed me in a festive atmosphere.
“““Welcome back, Yuda———!”””
They had even prepared a feast that was rarely seen. At that moment, for only the second time in my life, I shed tears. “……I’m back, everyone……” I bowed my head, thanking them all. “Thank you, everyone……” For the first time, I spoke respectfully to those I had come to admire. The realization that this place was truly my new home struck me anew. As tears streamed down my face, I thought, This is really my home.
“Hey, are you crying? Hey, he’s crying——!”
“Shut your mouth, Evan……”
Of course, Evan kept teasing me to the very end. But after the hospital visit, I had caught a glimpse of his true feelings.
“Puhaha! Glad you’re back, you little brat.”
“……Yeah, good to see you too, you bastard.”
Evan and I became best friends that day. To celebrate my return, we threw a wild party, spending nearly every coin the tavern had saved. It was pure joy—like the radiant, sparkling, fleeting sparks I had once shared with my old neighborhood friends. Yet it was the kind of memory I could never erase.
“A toast to Yuda’s first bare-handed bear hunt———!”
“““Cheers———!”””
A memory I could never forget, no matter how hard I tried.
“What? I’m the first?!”
“Yeah. Honestly, even I only drove them off in emergencies back then—I never actually killed one.”
It was a day that left me with a faint sense of betrayal, yet everything still felt good. All of it was good.
And then, that night came.
Deep in the night, after everyone had drunk themselves into a stupor and crawled into the tavern’s inn rooms, the moonlight seemed especially bright against the darkness. Perhaps because I had drunk too much, thirst woke me. I went downstairs to the tavern for a drink. There, in the now-empty, messy hall, sat Jeren—the one person who had rarely shown herself even during the celebration—alone at the only tidy table.
“……”
She wore pajamas that revealed her lovely figure, and her eyes, equally beautiful and wistful, gazed out the window. Bathed in the same cold moonlight as her, she glowed with a beautiful silver light.
“……”
Forgetting my thirst at the sight, I stood there dazed, staring at her profile. She, too, seemed to notice my gaze.
Swish———
“……Ah, Yuda.”
She looked at me and waved. Her expression remained blank, yet for the briefest instant when our eyes met, I thought I saw a smile.
Heart trembling, I slowly approached and sat across from her. She gazed at me quietly before saying, “The bear hunt…… good work.” Her voice was still cool and emotionless, yet I thought I detected a hint of shyness.
“Thank you, Jeren.”
Having finally heard the words I had longed for, I answered with a joyful smile—only to notice the bottle of my favorite drink on the table, along with two empty glasses.
“Were you…… waiting for me?”
At my cautious question, she averted her eyes for a moment, glanced at my neck, then looked back out the window. Covering her mouth with one hand, unable to hide the blush the white moonlight revealed, she answered in a tiny, uncertain voice, “……Yes.”
Only then did I begin to understand her, little by little.
“……What would you have done if I hadn’t come?”
Following her lead, I looked away from her face and at her neck instead, chuckling softly. “……I was going to drink alone.”
Jeren carefully reached out with both hands, broke the seal on the unopened bottle as if she truly intended to drink by herself, poured a modest amount into one glass, and offered it to me.
“Thank you, Jeren.”
Accepting the glass politely with a bright face, I watched as she poured for herself and said, “I didn’t think you’d accept it so readily.” Her awkward words still managed to praise my action. Unable to hide my smile, I downed the glass in one manly gulp.
“Kah…… How’s that, parasite’s one-shot?”
“……”
Jeren stared blankly for a moment before murmuring, “……Nice,” and smiling—truly smiling at me for the first time.
“You look good smiling……”
I was moved by her face without thinking. If smiling changed someone so much, why did she smile so rarely? Yet when she did, she was so pretty, so beautiful, so lovely that it touched me deeply.
“……Did you know it was my favorite?”
The question slipped out. I had wanted to save such an impatient query for the very last moment, fearing this time might end too soon, but her smile had overwhelmed me. I had vowed to grow like Belberman, yet I had only taken a single step. As Evan said, I was still just a brat.
Yet Jeren answered without hesitation. “Yes.” After a brief pause, her cheeks flushed again. “You’re not very good at hiding your feelings.”
Every little thing she did moved me so much that it was hard to focus on her words. Still, I couldn’t hold back. “……But you don’t like me that much, do you, Jeren?”
Even though I feared ending this moment too soon, the excitement proved stronger than the fear, and the words escaped me. My heart pounded so loudly it felt as if my ears would burst. My chest trembled uncontrollably—this sensation, this feeling of truly being in love, was something I was experiencing for the first time, and it left me flustered. Then, as if she had been thinking the same thing, Jeren placed a careful palm over her own heart.
“I like you, Jeren.”
The words came out. My heart, which had been pounding against my ribs, seemed to urge me to speak quickly. If I didn’t say it now, the feelings I had kept bottled up would explode again. No—they already had.
“But it doesn’t matter anymore how you feel about me…… I’m really okay with it.”
Even so, I had accepted this reality. Being with everyone, not just Jeren, was enough for me now.
“So…… even if it’s hard to express, please speak comfortably.”
Recalling how Jeren had always looked after me through others, I realized she simply struggled to express herself. I tried to control my excitement while being as considerate as possible. I wanted her to think well of me that much. Even if she said she didn’t like me here, it would still be enough if she thought kindly of me. I was putting her feelings before my own.
Then she——
“……”
Suddenly covering her mouth with both hands, she stared into my eyes for a moment before lowering her head. “……I-I’m sorry……”
It was the first answer that made my heart feel as if it had dropped. “W-wait a second……” That wasn’t the end. “Right now…… my heart is trembling so much I can’t even speak……”
Jeren—Jeren too. Jeren felt the same way. “I-I’m sorry…… Just a little, just wait a little……”
She felt the same. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have looked after me so desperately. Otherwise, even from afar while I hunted the bear, she wouldn’t have immediately shot an arrow the moment the alpha wolf appeared. Otherwise, even while I was hospitalized, she wouldn’t have watched me every single day from behind that curtain, waiting only for the moment I fell asleep.
“I-I’m really so——”
Swish———
I couldn’t leave her like that any longer. Perhaps the strong liquor I liked had made the intoxication rise quickly. My actions became unrestrained, as if all filters had vanished. Rising from my seat, I went to her, pulled her into an embrace by the waist as she stood with me, gently held the back of her neck, and kissed her.
“———”
The kiss I had longed to share with her, filled with sincerity.
“……”
The moonlight seemed to celebrate us, illuminating our silver figures with its beautiful white light as if blessing the moment we had finally confirmed our feelings. Bathed in that light, her pajamas began to look like a pure white wedding dress. Starting with this kiss, I swore—no matter what happened, I would protect Jeren above all else. Just as I had vowed to grow, this time the oath was not only to myself but to the moonlight and the night that held us.
“Yuda……”
Looking at me with that ecstatic face, she awakened my true love and protective instincts, imprinting upon my heart the human nature that I must take absolute responsibility.
“……I love you, Jeren.”
That night, loving Jeren, I finally became an adult. Confessing everything to her, I became a man. Jeren taught me what a true man should be, holding me so tightly it felt as if her heart would touch mine. That night, I truly became an honest adult.
“……”
But…… I’m sorry, Jeren. I’m sorry.
“……”
Clang———
“Curtis! We’re almost out of ammo—move now!”
“No!! Chief is dying——!”
I couldn’t find the courage to go any further. When I realized you were still alive and breathing by my side, nothing had ever felt more reassuring. But now I had no more courage left. I didn’t have the courage to keep making you happy from now on. My sorrow would only stain you, and my tears would only cast shadows over you.
“Haa…… haaa……”
Thud——
I’m sorry, Jeren. I never wanted to say something like this again. I’m truly sorry. If we ever meet again, if I survive this place once more and bring Belberman back…… then I’ll say it properly one more time.
“Yuda, what are you doing……! Yuda———!”
Clack, bang, bang———
I love you. I’m sorry for leaving you alone, and…… I loved you so much.