Episode 75. Return to Nothingness 2
Episode 75. Return to Nothingness 2
"Hahk......!"
At the sudden sound of my phone's default ringtone, I felt my heart drop and jolted awake.
My heart was pounding, thump-thump, boom-boom. A chilling coldness crept up the nape of my neck. It seemed the sweat I'd shed while sleeping had cooled. I could feel the futon beneath me was damp.
Everything around me was pitch black. I must have fallen asleep during the day and ended up sleeping soundly until sunset.
Looking to the side, my phone on the bedside table was flashing light and making a racket.
I moved my stiff arm to pick up the phone.
[Seyeon]
"...Ha."
A sigh escaped me almost automatically the moment I saw it.
The fact that another sigh followed was because it was a video call.
I got up, turned on the light first, and then stretched my arms and legs. I was feeling petty and wanted to answer as late as possible.
Then, with trembling hands, I swiped the screen.
Seyeon's face appeared.
Seyeon was wearing a plain white cotton t-shirt. A few strands of her hair stuck out sideways, and her complexion was so pale it was almost translucent. I could see a transparent bead of sweat roll down her skin and drop into the hollow near her collarbone.
"Hi, Yubin-ah."
"Why the sudden video call?"
"I wanted to see your face."
"Uh, right."
At my cold reply, Seyeon just laughed.
"What were you doing?"
"I was sleeping until you called and woke me up."
"Really? Sorry. Bad timing."
"Then can I hang up and go back to sleep?"
"Pfft... You can't do that. Don't be like that."
Finding something amusing, Seyeon covered her mouth and laughed before giving a soft, drawn-out command.
'Ugh......'
Don't do it. You can't.
Every time I heard that tone of command from Seyeon, my chest kept tingling and my lower abdomen twitched.
"Don't even think about covering the camera, and keep showing me your face. Understood?"
"...Understood."
I answered reluctantly.
"How's your body? Are you better?"
"Not at all. I still feel so awful I could die. The bleeding won't stop."
"I see."
Seyeon nodded. She didn't seem to believe me; rather, she seemed to have noticed the fact that I even had the energy to lie like this.
"I hope you get better soon. Then we can do lots of naughty things."
"......"
I had nothing to say. I just let the corners of my mouth droop down.
"...Can't you just leave me alone to rest? Why are you even calling to annoy me? It's irritating. Shii......"
Finally, I spoke with a hint of resentment.
"Sorry. But I thought I should check on you."
"......Hoo."
I opened and closed my mouth, then tightly shut my eyes. Hundreds of resentful words were on the tip of my tongue, but I stopped myself, thinking I wouldn't be able to handle the consequences if I said them. All that was left was my exhausted body and mind.
"Are we done now...? You know I'm fine, so I'm hanging up."
"Huhu. Yeah, okay. Tomorrow—......"
Seyeon, who seemed about to say 'see you tomorrow,' suddenly closed her mouth.
I reflexively tilted my head.
"Yubin-ah."
"What?"
"You, a nosebleed......"
"Huh?"
Drip, plop.
"Uh......"
I unconsciously looked down. Bright red blood was dripping onto my slip like raindrops.
Wiping my philtrum with my index finger, a thick liquid smeared my finger sticky.
I threw the phone down and immediately ran to the bathroom. I faintly heard Seyeon calling my name.
"Ugh, hh......"
Perhaps from moving suddenly, the edges of my vision darkened and a wave of nausea washed over me.
'Tissue, tissue......'
I flailed my arm trying to grab a tissue, but a sudden surge of nausea made me grab the toilet next to it instead.
A disgusting sound erupted from within. The constant trickle of blood left a metallic taste on the tip of my tongue.
After holding onto the toilet for a long while, shedding tears and retching, I eventually stood up again, my knees trembling.
Looking in the mirror, the area around my nose and mouth was a mess. But the nosebleed had already stopped.
I turned on the water, washed my face thoroughly, and stumbled out.
'The nosebleed, I could have stopped it with Heal.'
It was so sudden I didn't even think of it.
Seeing this, I thought I should never become a Hunter.
Just in case, I used Heal and went back into my room. I saw my phone. The call seemed to have ended.
I let out a long sigh mixed with various emotions and slumped down.
Last month I was in a lot of pain too, but it wasn't like this. I was fine as long as I slept well and ate on time.
But why am I suddenly nauseous and having nosebleeds now......
'...Is this my limit now?'
Both body and mind.
Only three days had passed since the day Seyeon told me the truth.
Too many things had happened in such a short time.
Somehow, my vision felt like it was turning circular.
'If she knew I was driven to this state......'
She probably wouldn't even care, right?
After all, she just sees me as a toy.
No, she would care. With the thought that her toy shouldn't break.
She doesn't genuinely care about me.
As long as I squirt female ejaculate properly every night, that's enough for her.
'Then, in that case... anyone would do, right. Not just me.'
It didn't necessarily have to be me.
Necessarily......
What meaning was I putting into the word 'necessarily'?
What exactly do I want......
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I opened my eyes to the sound of birds.
The first thing I felt upon waking was a somewhat strong smell of sweat. It was natural, since I'd slept without washing after sweating so much yesterday.
I raised my groggy body. Sunlight, a bit brighter than usual, stabbed down at my feet. Dust sparkled whitely as it swam languidly over my toes.
The air felt warm, not cool, making me uneasy, so I checked the time. It was well past 9 AM.
"Ah, fuck."
I'm late.
Even if I leave now, I'll definitely miss first period.
"Really, my life feels ruined-"
As I muttered, today's date came into my view.
[April 18th, Saturday]
"......"
Saturday?
'So today is Saturday.'
Whew, I let out a sigh of relief and put my phone down. I must have been so out of it I forgot the day of the week for a moment.
I thought about going back to sleep, but since I'd done little but sleep since yesterday afternoon, I wasn't sleepy anymore.
'Let's just eat.'
On the contrary, my stomach was completely empty, and a tremendous hunger surged over me.
I got up, shuffled over, and grabbed the doorknob.
"......"
I stopped dead just as I was about to open the door.
A periodic vibration was faintly perceptible.
Exactly... the kind of vibration from someone walking who's insensitive to noise between floors.
I could feel it right from the other side of the door.
'What the.'
Is someone there?
In the living room?
No one comes to my house at this hour.
Of course, no one usually comes anyway.
Swallowed by panic, I struggled to turn my not-so-great brain.
'A burglar?'
A burglar on a Saturday morning?
Or a pervert who broke in targeting a girl's house.
'No, if that were the case, they would have attacked me first.'
Anyway, it was clear something was unusual.
I picked up a long tumbler from my room.
It was a very tricky weapon, but if I used One-Hit Kill, maybe it would work somehow.
Creeeak, I opened the door very slowly and cautiously stepped out into the living room.
The first thing I sensed was... a smell. Food smell. Something savory...? That kind of feeling?
'What is it?'
Anyway, the house was small, so I saw the person immediately. No, it wasn't just seeing—I literally ran right into them.
"Yubin-ah, did you sleep well?"
In Seyeon, appearance number 76,500.
By now, it wasn't even surprising.
"Fuck."
At my sincerely irritated curse, Seyeon's eyes narrowed.
Ignoring it, I immediately snapped back.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was worried, so I came to find you. You ran off suddenly, didn't you?"
"Ah......"
"What's that water bottle for? Why are you holding it?"
"I thought someone had broken in, so I was going to use it as a weapon......"
At my answer, I saw the corner of Seyeon's mouth twist. She seemed to be barely holding back laughter.
"You didn't call the police, right?"
"...No."
"Trying to beat them up without even calling the police first, Yubin, you're amazing."
"......"
Now that you mention it, that should have been first.
"Anyway, what were you doing? In my living room."
"Cooking."
"Cooking?"
"Yeah. You have to eat breakfast."
So that's what the smell was earlier.
"You know how to cook?"
"Yeah. I learned a bit from someone."
"......"
"It's not amazing. Just some soup and a few side dishes."
There are no ingredients to cook with in my house.
That means she brought them herself.
I wanted to say I wouldn't eat it out of pride, but I absolutely couldn't. I was too hungry.
"...Do I have to wait a bit?"
"It's almost done. Sit down, I'll serve you."
"Okay......"
"Ah. And, your pajamas look really good on you."
"Be quiet!"
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
As Seyeon said, the food was ready quickly. Breakfast was rice with beef seaweed soup, and side dishes like napa cabbage kimchi, rolled omelet, and stir-fried fish cakes.
'Since when did she start making this?'
The soup was one thing, but there was a surprising variety of side dishes. She probably brought some from home.
Anyway, I picked up my spoon and started the meal.
"......"
Seyeon watched me, shoving rice into my mouth, sipping soup, and continuously picking at side dishes, with an uncharacteristically nervous face.
I swallowed what was in my mouth and asked.
"Why do you keep staring?"
"Ah, no. I was wondering if it tastes good."
"...It's okay, I guess."
To be honest, it was superb. Whether the person who taught her was skilled or she was talented, all the flavors that should be felt in food were present, neither excessive nor lacking.
When I said that, Seyeon's expression immediately softened. For some reason, it annoyed me.
After that, there was no conversation. Only the occasional sound of utensils clinking.
About 40 minutes later, I had cleaned my rice bowl.
"Finished eating?"
At Seyeon's words, I nodded.
Then Seyeon began clearing the table on her own.
'Why is she doing this.'
She's acting like she's nursing a sick lover.
While Seyeon was cleaning up, I just stood there blankly, watching her back. Her olive-colored knitwear caught the sunlight, making it look like she had a pure white outline. Her tight jeans made her body's soft curves undulate like waves with every slight movement.
"All done."
Having said that, Seyeon approached me.
"......"
"......"
"...If you're done cleaning, then go."
"Yubin-ah."
"Yes...?"
"Shall we talk a bit?"
I immediately shook my head side to side.
"No... ugh."
The moment my refusal came out, Seyeon grabbed my wrist with both hands, squeeeezing tight.
"It's a request."
"We'll see each other next week anyway, so why......"
"Let's do it now. Okay?"
With an attitude that perfectly suited the contradictory expression 'high-pressure request,' Seyeon made her request while looking down at me with her crimson eyes. A hazy shadow fell on Seyeon's face, her back to the window.
'...Fuck.'
For some reason, I felt like I was being made fun of.
Knowing full well I would accept, pretending to give me the freedom of choice by 'requesting'—it seemed utterly disgraceful to me.
But I have no choice.
If I refuse her, I'll suffer worse later.
In the end, my cheek twitching, I barely managed to nod.
"Let's make it quick."
"Okay."
Seyeon held my wrist and led me into the small room where I slept.
Swish— click.
I unconsciously grabbed the door as if flowing with it and pulled. The door, moving sluggishly, didn't close properly, leaving a slight gap. A faint light seeped through it.
"Let's sit first."
"Okay."
At Seyeon's words, I carefully sat down on the futon I'd been sleeping on today.
"Yubin-ah."
"What."
"That... you can sit more comfortably."
Wondering what she meant, I tilted my head, then looked down.
'......?'
My body, without anyone commanding it, had on its own respectfully knelt, pushing the soles of my feet inward toward my buttocks. I was sitting upright, facing Seyeon.
"Ugh...!"
My face flushed bright red and I immediately changed my posture.
Finding this amusing, Seyeon looked at me and let out a stifled smile.
...What on earth does she want to say?
Coming all the way to a place crawling with bugs she hates.
I prepared myself mentally first.
And then I listened.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
"Yubin-ah, do you hate me that much?"
"What?"
"......."
"Isn't that obvious? Wouldn't you hate me if you were me?"
"Then say it like that."
"What?"
"Say that you hate me."
"......."
"What are you doing? Say it."
"...I hate it."
"What? Me? Or saying it?"
"Obviously, haa......."
"You're always like that, aren't you? Yubin. Your attitude is always ambiguous."
"When have I ever been ambiguous? I—"
"You don't do anything."
"What?"
"Do you want to be with me? Forever?"
"As if......."
"Then do something, Yubin-ah. To me, or to someone else."
"But, if I do that... it's obvious I'll suffer more. With you glaring and watching me, how could I?"
"Are you scared of that?"
"How could I not be scared!"
"Scared?"
"......."
"Even though you curse at me so easily?"
"That's!"
"Actually, that's what's comfortable for you, right? You want to keep going like this, don't you?"
"No. I, I... want to escape from you as soon as possible, even if it's just one day sooner."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Hmm......."
"Eup?! Hh, hhuuk......!"
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"Doesn't this make your heart race?"
"......."
"No? Answer honestly."
"...But, this is......."
"This is?"
"Not me. These aren't my feelings. This is just that thing feeling them on its own!"
"Yubin-ah, the one feeling pleasure right now is you. Your fingertips are trembling, your forehead is burning, your cheeks are bright red—all of it."
"No!"
"It's not 'no,' you just wish it wasn't, right?"
"I said no! Don't try to trick me with such forced lies."
"Yubin, you just don't want to admit it. Being neither here nor there just feels comfortable for you. You don't want to confirm it, do you? You want to leave room, right?"
"Stop it!"
"You're immersed in past emotions, hoping they'll turn back to you someday, waiting on your knees."
"You, you......!"
"Ugh......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......Hoo."
"...I, I really hate you. Just seeing you makes me so angry I could die."
"......."
"......."
"Why are you angry?"
"What do you mean why."
"What's the reason you hate me?"
"...Are you asking because you don't know?"
"Yeah, I have no idea. So tell me."
"......."
"If you speak honestly, we can resolve it."
"......."
"......."
"You."
"Yeah."
"You betrayed me. You betrayed my heart. Acting like that in front of me, but behind my back, you were just playing with me! Then......."
"......."
"Then, what does all the emotion I gave you become......."
"......."
"Anyone would have been fine. You didn't even treat me like a person, did you? You didn't even know I would think like this?"
"No, I knew everything."
"That's a lie. What do you know? You don't know anything. You—"
"You're jumping to conclusions."
"What?"
"Yubin-ah, what about you?"
"Me?"
"What were you like?"
"What, are you talking about......."
"To be precise, you up until last week. So how did you treat me?"
"Just, like a normal friend."
"A normal friend?"
"No, not normal, a bit closer than that......."
"That much? The feelings you have for me?"
"I, I......."
"Is that it? Answer me. Hurry."
"......."
"...Ha, really."
"......."
"It's not, is it?"
"...Yeah."
"Then why did you do that?"
"What do you mean why?"
"If it was more than that, then like this, like me......."
"Ugh, hey, you, you, suddenly...!"
"Like this......."
"Ha, don't do it......!"
"......."
"Haa, haa......."
"You should have been like this, stuck close. Like I did to you every night. Not just quietly blushing."
"Ha, but."
"But?"
"But, no, I was just worried. Because I didn't know anything."
"Nothing?"
"There's no way your actions could be transmitted directly to me. It might just be my misunderstanding......."
"I suppose. And it's the same even now."
"Even now?"
"You hate having your emotions betrayed, right? You're scared the signals coming to you might be mistaken?"
"......."
"Yubin-ah, everyone has a filter."
"A filter?"
"When a heart filtered and expressed by someone is filtered again and transmitted to another person, it becomes a complete mess."
"......."
"So that's the only way you can act?"
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"Yubin-ah."
"Yeah."
"This is the only way I know."
"What...?"
"Do you understand what I mean?"
"......."
"......."
"...You know you're being incredibly shameless right now, right?"
"I know."
"......."
"......."
"...I won't believe it. No matter how I think about it, I can't believe it. Everything you say is so shameless I can't believe it."
"That's up to you. But, still, you seem to have changed a bit."
"......."
"Yubin-ah, it's okay if you don't believe me. You can just think a crazy bitch spouted nonsense to her heart's content. For now."
"......."
"But you know, Yubin-ah. Someday."
"......."
"Someday you'll believe. And that will be the path you want."
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I could only watch Seyeon leave after saying that. Until the faint sound of the front door opening and closing could be heard, I remained frozen in that seated position. Seyeon's desire and mine were almost common. Realizing that fact only made me angrier. Why does she only know how to do things that way? It was so incomprehensible by common sense that I might have decided not to believe it simply because of that. Of course, it wasn't a common sense story to begin with.
Anyway, the fact that remains unchanged even now is that I still have to stick to her. Of course... starting next Monday.