To Think I'd End Up Wearing This
"Welcome!"
A clerk called out the moment I dragged my unwilling feet into the shop. I tried to backpedal, but Maru blocked the way, and forward was the only direction left. She must have caught the look on my face, because she patted my shoulder as she spoke.
"Hana, you're becoming a proper young lady now! There's nothing to be embarrassed about!"
Her words left my head spinning. Becoming a woman. I didn't even want to say it out loud, but if I started having periods on top of everything else, I had no idea what kind of treatment I'd be in for. Growing breasts was the better option. Periods, I didn't even want to imagine. I'd been a man, sure, but school had taught me a few things: when women were on their periods, their tempers turned vicious, and the pain in their stomachs was no joke. I had a child's body now, so it didn't matter yet—but as I got older, wasn't it possible it would start? Things that had never felt real were suddenly things I might have to live through, and that sat badly with me.
"Ugh... ughhh!"
Groaning under my breath, I had no choice but to go inside. The shop held more varieties of women's underwear than I had ever seen in my life, including pieces so revealing that describing them would have earned an adults-only rating. How did women walk out the door in things like that? If it were me, I wouldn't have wanted to wear them even inside the house, never mind outside. There was barely any fabric covering anything!
"Excuse me, do you carry junior bras for elementary school girls?"
Maru asked the clerk in a sweet, polite voice. The woman nodded, smiling.
"Yes, ma'am."
She beckoned us to follow, and Maru set off at a brisk stride, with me hurrying after her. When we reached the corner, the underwear there at least didn't stir much of a reaction in me. Every design was plain. Made for children, they looked more like tank tops—or like those X-shaped bands athletes wore under their shirts to track heart rate and distance run. Maru's eyes sparkled as she sorted through them. All I could do was stare blankly at her side.
"This one might be nice too..."
She held a junior bra up against my chest, clearly waging a valiant struggle to find something that suited me. After pulling out several, she turned to me.
"Hana, which one do you like?"
I didn't like a single one of the junior bras in her hands. The idea of putting a T-shirt on over something like this didn't even make sense. I never should have mentioned that my chest was getting chafed. I should have just endured it... Open my mouth once, and here I was, with no choice but to wear one of these. Not buying one wasn't really an option either. I was going to keep growing, and I couldn't go on wearing T-shirts with a bare chest. Even in the most sexually liberal places, women who got dressed without a bra were vanishingly rare.
"I... I'll take this one!"
Desperate to grab something at random and flee, I pointed not at what Maru was holding but at a piece lying on the display. At least the color was subdued. Maru took in my reaction, eyes narrowing.
"Hana. You're not just picking at random, are you? This is underwear you'll actually have to wear. You ought to choose something prettier."
She had struck dead center on my weak point, because I had, in fact, picked at random. Still, it looked perfectly fine to me. Maru clearly disagreed. She shoved a bra right up in front of my face.
"Hana! Pick one of the ones I'm holding!"
Pressed this far, I couldn't refuse. I squeezed my eyes shut and chose the one on the left, which looked marginally better—a clean white. It probably wouldn't show on the outside, and it beat the pink one beside it, so that was my choice.
"You like this one? Then shall we try it on, Hana?"
"Ah...! Can't we just buy it and leave, Maru? I really don't think I need to put it on at all!"
"No, you have to try it on before you buy it. What are you going to do if the feel, or something else, bothers you later? This is underwear you'll have to keep wearing, Hana!"
"Ehh...!"
Cornered by Maru's barrage of cold, hard facts, I had no choice but to try it on. I trudged over, took the underwear from her, and stepped into the fitting room. Inside, there was nothing but a single plain mirror, and I hesitated, reluctant to undress.
Of course, I'd worn one before, back when I'd become an adult, so the act of putting it on wasn't the problem. Back then something had been off in my head, and I'd felt little resistance—and my chest had been large enough that going without one actually hurt. I stood there blankly, the junior bra clutched in my hand. The tank-top-shaped garment seemed to be greeting me.
"Hana! When are you coming out? If it's hard to put on, want me to help?"
"Ah—no, Maru! I'll be right out!"
If Maru came in, it would be a full-scale disaster, so I stripped in a hurry, put the underwear on, and got dressed again. It felt a little like wearing a T-shirt underneath, so it wasn't especially uncomfortable, and I didn't feel much resistance. It was still underwear, after all, and it seemed made to be comfortable to wear.
When I came out, Maru circled me once to look me over. Hidden under my T-shirt, though, it wouldn't show—and being white, it wouldn't even show through.
"Hmm... I can't really tell just by looking. How is it, Hana? Wearable? If it's uncomfortable, should we switch to something else?"
"No! I like this one, Maru."
If I said I didn't, I'd spend the whole day as a robot changing underwear, so I hastily declared that this one was good. Maru narrowed her eyes at that, but if I insisted I liked it, there wasn't much else she could say. She clapped her hands as if the matter were settled.
"Then let's buy several just like it!"
She scooped up a number of pieces similar to the one I had on. If we only bought one, I wouldn't have a spare once it went in the wash—and in a way, she was right. But the moment I remembered that these were underwear, a faint revulsion prickled up inside me. One was already too much, and now we're buying several...
Oblivious, Maru hummed to herself as she picked them out. Before I knew it she was at the register with a full basket. The card, of course, was a corporate card.
"That'll be about a hundred and twenty dollars, ma'am."
"Yes. I'll pay by card."
I had no idea how five scraps of cloth could cost a hundred and twenty dollars. Back when I'd been a man, three pairs of briefs wouldn't even have run me twenty-five dollars, but women's underwear was more expensive than I could have imagined. I had plenty of money, of course, but spending it on underwear like this—you really never knew where life would take you.
If I went back just one year and told my old self I'd be buying women's underwear, I would have snorted and written myself off as a lunatic. And then I would have said, if you're from the future, quit talking about underwear and tell me which coin is about to moon.
"Hana, you're becoming a mature young woman now. There's no need to look so gloomy!"
Noticing how drained I was, Maru tried to pour her boundless energy into me. Unfortunately, even her cheering didn't put any strength back in my limbs. The thought of having to keep wearing this from now on made my head spin. Girl or not, I had never dreamed I'd end up in underwear like this.
And when I got older, there would be even more important things, wouldn't there? I had no idea how I'd change by then. All I could do was pray I simply wouldn't age. But despite those prayers, my body—small as it was—was unmistakably growing. Growing wasn't a bad thing in itself, yet for me it was hardly good news. I didn't much like living as a tiny runt, so part of me wanted to grow taller. At the same time, I desperately hoped my chest wouldn't get any bigger and that secondary sex characteristics would never appear. A thoroughly contradictory heart.
"Hnnngh..."
I let out a dying little sound and clung tight to Maru. She mistook it for exhaustion from a long shopping trip, scooped me up, and kissed my cheek.
"Hana! How about we go eat something yummy today? We'll buy heaps of all your favorite snacks!"
My ears perked right up. I could feel my sinking mood start to climb.
"Really?"
"Yep! You worked so hard today, Hana, so you deserve a reward!"
"Ooooh!"
Eyes sparkling, I built up enormous expectations about whatever snacks Maru was going to buy me. What had happened only moments ago was already gone from my mind. The only thing filling my head now was the snacks she was going to get me.