The Road Back - 3
The girl had completely gotten the word "hate" stuck in her mouth behind her.
While staring out the window, she didn't stop saying things like "Dad's annoying" or "Mom's annoying."
And on the way back, after booking a room at the business hotel because she was tired, she kept muttering that word as if humming a tune.
“Hah, hate.”
She propped her chin on the window and repeated it over and over.
“Ahaha, not tired?”
“Uhn, what about you, sis?”
Seeing that, the sister watched the girl with some concern.
She understood that the girl was trying to process her emotions right now.
That awkward song was an attempt to force out and chew on emotions she couldn't handle.
But seeing her say "hate" so cheerfully made her worry.
“I’m a bit tired.”
That was a word she couldn’t say in front of the person herself.
And it was a word she could accept being hated for, but at the same time, it was a word that could also be stained with hate.
Or rather, the former was fine either way.
After all, for the past year, they had only sent texts to each other, never meeting in person.
Even though they were both busy, it seemed like they wouldn’t meet as family anymore.
But what about the latter problem...?
Would the problem of getting stained with hate not be a big one?
Though she didn’t know if it was a proper analogy, the girl reacted as if she had been bleached after becoming a woman.
She reacted to things she hated or liked as if reborn.
She only reacted like she did when she was a boy when facing past wounds.
She reacted differently from when she was a man, but aside from that, she reacted almost like for the first time.
If she got stained with hate in this state, wouldn’t something go wrong?
“Rin.”
“Yes?”
“Go wash up.”
“Ah, right. Okay.”
Honestly, she couldn’t say no outright.
She couldn’t be completely sure.
She didn’t not trust the girl.
She trusted the girl too much to say what would happen.
If it was someone who could harm others, she would have been scared and not gone, but because she was sure she wouldn’t, she couldn’t be sure.
If she got stained with hate in this state, she couldn’t predict what would happen.
Would she hurt someone?
Would she hurt herself?
If she hurt, would she do it right there, or would she leave a stinging wound when she turned her back later?
“...”
Actually, when thinking this, it would have been right to think of a way to make the girl forget the hate.
That was the correct theory.
But how could she do that?
If she took away that hate from the girl right now, what would become of the girl?
Would she float around without any emotional anchor?
As her head got complicated, she naturally wanted to smoke.
There was a smoking room at the end of the corridor, so after the girl came out of the bathroom, she could tell her and go smoke.
Looking at the place with the bathroom, she thought that.
She heard the sound of running water.
“Haaa...”
Hearing that sound, the sister was gripped by a different thought this time.
After the girl had screamed "hate" and cried loudly, she recalled the girl's suddenly more feminine appearance.
...Honestly, it was her type.
It was cute, and the unique instability stimulated her protective instinct.
Following her around, sharing past memories... if the girl had been born a girl from the start, she wouldn’t have crossed the line.
Thinking that being in pain or such was another factor and putting it aside, she wouldn’t have tried to change the relationship in another way.
And though it was a vulgar thought, if the girl now, who seemed bleached of emotions, could be raised as someone she liked.
It was a truly unforgivable thought, but she couldn’t say there was no such base desire.
...Because she was tired.
She was tired, so she was having these weird thoughts.
The sister swept her hair back roughly and lightly slapped her cheek.
Then, looking at the window the girl was looking at, she fiddled with her cigarette pack.
Every time she put strength in her hand, the scent of the cigarette came out.
The smell of dried plants, something unpleasant.
Smelling that scent, the girl came out of the bathroom, and the sister wiped her dripping hair and chided her.
“You have to dry your hair properly.”
“I did.”
“Ahaha, really?”
“Yes, I really dried it hard.”
The girl, smiling bashfully, looked at the sister.
The sister, thinking the girl had become more feminine, dried her hair, and the girl made an odd sound “Aaaa~.” and looked at the sister after looking at the bed.
“Are you going to the smoking room?”
“Yeah. Want to go together?”
“Okay.”
The girl, forgetting that she was drying her hair, nodded her head.
“Without smoking.”
“But yeah. Hehe.”
Smiling lightly, she hummed a tune.
Seeing that, the sister recalled the desire she had earlier and closed her eyes tightly.
Let’s smoke quickly.
Whatever, cigarette or not, let’s smoke and then sleep.
Then she would feel better.
Thinking that, the sister put the towel in the basket and went with the girl to the smoking room at the end of the corridor.
The smoking room, remodeled from a balcony, was dirty.
She wasn’t not cleaning, but the flowerpot used as an ashtray, if you look at the wall, you wouldn’t want to touch it... or something.
Well, smoking rooms were always like this.
Thinking that, the sister lit the cigarette and exhaled a long breath into the hot air coming into her chest.
“Huuu...”
The gray smoke spread long in the dark night sky, and the girl quietly watched that and leaned her body on the sister.
“Huuu...”
The girl, taking a long breath and blinking.
After staying still for a while, the girl first put her hands together in the sister’s hand and kept rubbing her body against it.
“Sleepy?”
Probably doing this to spread the cigarette scent.
The sister knew why the girl was doing it but said something else as if not knowing.
If she could, she wanted to tease and say “Do you like the cigarette scent?” and laugh that her taste was weird.
She had secretly accepted such jokes since she was young, so she wanted to try it once.
But the sister couldn’t get her mouth to open.
If she did such a joke here, it seemed like the thought she had earlier would continue.
So, she only hugged the girl’s shoulder and said nothing, and the girl slowly blinked her eyes from the bosom she had often leaned on when young.
The cigarette fire was shaking like stars.
“Hi.”
The sight of it burning orange and red was too good.
She didn’t mind other people’s cigarettes, but the scent of the cigarette coming from the sister’s body was too good.
It was a bit strange, but she didn’t think of objecting.
Because the sister was the one who taught her what hate was, she couldn’t hate her... or something.
Even if she thought the bad smell coming from the sister’s body was bad, it didn’t feel bad.
The girl held the sister’s hand tightly.
First putting her hands together, she pressed the smooth skin between her fingers firmly with the root of her fingers.
Then, the sister turned her head and exhaled the cigarette smoke longer than usual.
Her chest trembled.
She had been raised as a boy, originally a boy, and because she was 6 years older, she had been raised to take care of her.
No matter how many excuses she told herself, her chest throbbed.
Clearly, at first, she had thought of picking up the neighbor’s sickly brother and making him well as a substitute satisfaction, but now it seemed like she had picked up something with a different meaning.
Of course, there was no ethical issue.
Marrying a neighbor’s brother was a common trope in dramas, and even if the child was in pain, it wasn’t like normal thinking couldn’t be done.
If she really didn’t like it, she would say she didn’t like it.
But for some reason, the girl seemed like she wouldn’t refuse.
Even if she said “Let’s date right now,” the girl would answer “Okay.”
Because she could now be sure of the girl’s reaction, the sister couldn’t say anything and closed her mouth tightly.
She bit the cigarette filter for nothing.
“Haaa.”
But her mood didn’t calm at all, and the sister threw the half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray.
“Shall we go?”
It was a pity.
She could smoke more... but since she couldn’t give in to desire here, the sister opened the thick iron door and stepped back into the corridor.
In the corridor, a stuffy smell that hadn’t been felt earlier came out.
That smell of time that you can often smell in old buildings.
Smelling that scent, the sister gently closed her eyes and looked at the girl, and the girl, when she met the sister’s eyes, smiled as usual.
She tilted her head slightly, with the corners of her mouth slightly open, happily and lightly.
Nothing had changed.
The smiling face, the looking gaze, the slightly tilted posture, all the same as before the girl caught the TS syndrome.
Then, the only thing that changed was the sister’s gaze.
The sister opened the door and closed her eyes tightly.
Really... what should she do?