Daily Life - 6
After the aftershocks of the argument subsided, the older sister spoke first.
“Shall we set some rules for us?”
“Rules?”
“Yeah, to prevent each other from getting angry, let's decide on these things we want to keep as rules. How about it?”
A light fight was still a fight.
The older sister looked at the girl and said she didn't want to fight with her, and the girl slowly nodded her head.
“Then, if Rin is in pain or struggling, I hope you'll tell me.”
“...Ugh.”
“I know you want to endure it alone, but if you suddenly do that like this, it's scary. So, please tell me for sure.”
“Okay.”
The girl lowered her head to the older sister's words.
She knew she was wrong.
But she couldn't figure out the criteria for what was painful or difficult.
How much pain had to reach before saying it was painful?
To the point of needing to go to the hospital?
No, thinking about how she screamed when her mom took her to the hospital, it probably should have been said earlier?
More than that, there was a line for physical pain, but what about mental pain?
How to respond to mental difficulty?
Unlike a body that gets injured, it wasn't visible.
“And, if you have any questions, ask honestly.”
It was when the girl was pondering these things.
The older sister, as if reading her mind, gave exactly what was needed.
“I'll also ask Rin if I have any questions, so if Rin has any questions, feel free to ask anytime. Can you do that?”
The older sister said she wouldn't get angry if these weren't kept.
It was a bit suffocating, but since it wouldn't hurt, it was okay.
She looked at the girl, saying she would be happy if she told her, and the girl fiddled with her fingers while looking at the older sister's gaze, then nodded.
“Ah, the pain...”
“Hm?”
“The criteria, how, do you...”
And immediately followed the older sister's rules.
“I don't know.”
The girl pressed her nails hard, avoiding eye contact.
The older sister hugged the girl and nodded, saying it was definitely hard.
“Just tell me if Rin can't endure it.”
“...”
“You can say it often. You wrote everything in that notebook, right? How much effort Rin put in? If Rin is struggling, it must have been really hard.”
“U, ugh.”
“So, if it's hard, tell me. Got it?”
The girl narrowed her eyes at the hand stroking her head, stopping the nail-picking.
It felt like blood was flowing.
And her mind started to tangle again.
She seemed to have figured out the criteria for pain.
Because there was a very simple criterion: if it hurts, just say it.
But this time, a question arose: is it really okay?
Wouldn't she get annoyed and angry because saying it repeatedly is bothersome?
That worry stood out.
Would she have to ask this too according to the rule just set?
“U, uuuuh.”
I don't know.
The girl murmured unconsciously as her head got more complicated.
She didn't want to think.
Because of recalling the family earlier, she felt a sense of disgust in thinking itself.
She recalled the effort to become a good child, a good younger sister.
“Are you in pain?”
“Ugh.”
“You don't have to explain in detail. Just say 'I'm in pain'?”
“I'm in pain, ......”
The older sister hugged Rin's head tightly at the answer.
The soft knit fabric touched the cheek, and the warm warmth soothed the girl.
At the same time, a bitter, smoky scent rose from between the knit's fibers.
To the girl who had tried to live properly, it was a stench.
It must be a stench.
Yet, strangely, her eyes started to close slightly.
Her heart was pounding, and the complicated head quickly calmed down.
And the girl focused on the scent.
The warm scent mixed with the older sister's body odor and cigarette smell.
“Huuuuh......”
Letting out a long sigh, the older sister patted her back.
The girl started feeling sleepy belatedly.
Because the older sister accepted the apology, the tension was released at once, and the girl couldn't hold her eyelids shut anymore.
“Hm?”
When the older sister realized, the girl was already asleep.
Clutching the knit sleeve, she weakly lowered her head.
The older sister pulled the girl into her arms and fiddled with the phone with one hand.
“Hmm.”
And looking at the name recorded in the phonebook, she pondered.
It included not only her own parents but also the girl's parents' contact info.
She hadn't called once, but if she didn't change the number, she could call as is.
Then she could hear a lot.
Why the girl became like this, what was the reason for leaving it until now.
After hearing everything, most doubts could be resolved.
It was a simple solution.
But if she did that, it would seem like crossing an irreversible river with the girl.
Since she set the rules, she shouldn't ignore the girl's opinion.
“Mom? Are you okay for a moment?”
So, what the older sister did was ask her own parents.
“It's about Rin's parents. Is there something wrong?”
Besides divorce, wasn't there some other incident?
If she knew, wouldn't her parents know more than herself, who was just a student back then?
Thinking that way, the older sister asked about the girl's parents.
But the answer that came back was things the older sister already knew.
They had argued, but didn't hit each other.
They didn't use harsh words even when the kids weren't around, and after the divorce, they got along well enough to occasionally contact each other.
The only strange thing was one thing.
Since the girl turned 20, contact had been cut off.
The parents had tried to contact the girl, but it seemed the girl refused and became independent.
But even that wasn't particularly bad, she said.
The girl's mother, who was complaining, only said that the girl had too strong a sense of independence.
“Uhm? No, just. I quit my job. So, I suddenly thought about it. Slowly, I guess she's a college student now. Uhm, I'll cut it off now.”
After hanging up the phone, the older sister looked at the girl.
From the story, it seemed the girl was male until 20.
So, it wasn't that she cut contact to hide her gender.
Then why suddenly become independent?
The older sister thought about it several times and recalled the words the girl had said.
It was mumbled in sleep, but the girl had said things like 'good child' or 'good student' when deeply asleep.
Looking at that, wasn't there some kind of pressure?
The pressure that to live alone, you had to be a good child.
“Uum.”
The older sister unconsciously recalled the girl's appearance trying to climb the viewing platform.
Even if her ankle was broken, she kept going up.
“Ah.”
And she recalled that the girl had been muttering since elementary school.
Her parents always said to look up.
If you got 70 in math, it was amazing, but still said to look higher.
The girl didn't know, but wasn't climbing the viewing platform the manifestation of that?
Having said to look up all her life, and unconsciously choosing the viewing platform?
It was a bit strange story, but it wasn't impossible.
“Haaaa......”
The sudden independence was probably that too.
It felt higher to be someone earning money on their own rather than receiving allowance from parents.
So, wasn't she dreaming of complete independence with that sense?
A twisted sense, but if it was a girl who had worked honestly without tricks, it could be.
Then, completely broken after becoming a woman?
“......You're an idiot.”
The older sister stroked the girl's head.
She was too good, like an idiot.
Look up, you can do better, try harder...
She knew these were words from love.
But most people don't stick to those words even while gnawing at themselves.
If it's hard, they get a bit angry and pout.
But it was okay.
Because all of it was said out of love, and if you pout, they push you only up to the point where you can do it while lowering expectations.
However, the girl didn't do that.
Without tricks, she did everything her parents told her to do.
Whether she was gnawing at herself or not, she reached out her hand to go to a higher place somehow.
“Rin, Rin.”
......Thinking about it, the viewing platform was because of her parents' nagging, and the place with many animals was because of the last memory with family.
Was there something else connected to other travel spots?
Places where ships come and go, where the sound of wooden clogs is heard, where the grandmother is?
The older sister stared quietly at the girl.
Even when going to the viewing platform, she wondered what she wanted to do there.
What she wanted to feel in the place with many animals, what she wanted to feel at the place where ships come and go...
“......”
If she wanted to know, she had to go together.
Thinking that, the older sister calculated the time until Rin's ankle healed.
It seemed barely possible.
Teaching her to gain 2-3kg of flesh, and how to get back up even if she falls.
Making her healthy like that, so she wouldn't fall like at the viewing platform.
Something like that.