Packing the Guilt
The girl finished packing the luggage, blood seeping from her older sister's toes.
She couldn't continue even if she wanted to.
Rin kept getting dizzy, and her older sister felt frustration and irritation at the sudden worsening.
So the two of them loaded all the luggage into the trunk and headed back home.
The atmosphere between them was chilly.
Rin couldn't lift her head due to guilt.
If she had been a little more composed, answered her sister's call, she wouldn't have gotten hurt.
She had hurt someone.
Caused trouble.
Didn't fulfill her role.
With such thoughts, Rin lowered her head as if curling up her body.
Her older sister was chewing on her frustration.
She had thought it was okay.
It was okay to cry when seeing passersby.
She had felt it necessary to fall forward after trying to move ahead.
But when she looked in the mirror, Rin had returned to the time of their first meeting.
The sight of her dazedly looking into the mirror overlapped with the image of her blankly receiving the shower in the business hotel.
So her older sister couldn't even smile and turned her head away from Rin.
Even after entering her older sister's house, the atmosphere didn't change.
Rin stood dazed in the corner like at their first meeting, and her older sister felt irritation at the sight, grabbing her forehead.
She couldn't throw her out.
She had invited her into the house saying she'd help, and if she threw her out now, Rin would truly fall apart.
But... when it was like this, couldn't she come closer and sit beside her?
If scared, it was fine to sit at the edge of the sofa.
I have extended my hand first, so I should be able to do at least that much, right?
She knew it was a childish thought.
She also knew it was a battle of pride.
But her older sister felt it was childish and still couldn't stop.
... Was she a little tired?
"Huu."
An involuntary sigh.
Rin flinched like a cat at that sigh and bit her lips hard.
Then, she slowly started moving.
Although walking itself felt awkward, she began to shuffle her feet, limping.
At the sound of her footsteps, her older sister glanced over but quickly pretended not to notice.
Her heart was pounding, and her fingers were tense, but she turned her head further to continue pretending not to notice.
"Wrong, wrong, did it."
"......"
Rin apologized while her teeth chattered.
The sight of her tightly clutching her clothes and panting made her older sister's heart ache.
She hadn't done anything wrong, and she had tried her best.
And she had taken her there in the first place, not by someone else.
With that thought, her older sister opened her arms to Rin.
She wasn't smiling, but her anger seemed somewhat relieved.
"Uh, ugh."
Rin approached her older sister more, her eyes teary.
She was scared.
It was the first time apologizing.
Until now, she would have cut off relationships if necessary, to avoid causing trouble.
So this was the first time causing trouble and apologizing for it.
Her heart felt like it was about to burst out of her mouth.
Her head throbbed, her chest tightened, and she gasped for breath.
But she endured it, sat beside her older sister, and her older sister stroked Rin's hair and hugged her.
"It's not because your sister hates you that you're angry. Understand?"
It was like an excuse.
Her older sister felt awkward at her own words and continued with an awkward smile.
"Just surprised. You suddenly disappeared and just looked in the mirror. I called but you didn't answer."
"Uh, yes."
"... Sorry, if I had known, I would have gone alone."
"Sorry. Sorry..."
"It's okay. Uh, stop."
Rin clung teary-eyed.
Her older sister patted her back until she calmed down, then checked the time because of the rumbling in her stomach.
It was a bit late to prepare dinner now.
Reluctantly, her older sister ordered delivery and quietly looked at Rin's red-tinged eyes.
"Hmm. Rin."
"Uh, yes?"
"... Why did you go to the observatory?"
Last time, the answer was just "just."
But now, she felt like a different answer would come.
"The high place so..."
"High place?"
"Yes."
... Now that she thought about it, the notebook she showed last time had such a sentence written.
Last time, she just saw how to gather Albi and passed over it...
Is that the destination?
Her older sister tried to recall the content of the notebook.
But because she had casually flipped through it without paying attention, she couldn't recall the content.
"Why did you want to go to a high place?"
"That, that."
"To see far?"
So she asked what could be done from high places, and Rin lowered her head at the continuing words.
Rin wanted to answer clearly.
But unlike other places, the observatory was really climbed without any reason.
When she realized, she thought she had to go up there, but how could she explain it?
"Ah, ugh."
So Rin separated from her older sister's arms, saying she would explain what she could.
Staggering a bit from hurrying too much, but she grabbed the notebook from the luggage and held it up.
She showed the other destinations written in the notebook.
"Place with many animals?"
Her older sister looked at the words pointed by Rin's finger and tilted her head.
No, all the places Rin wanted to go were like that.
Places with sounds of moving stomachs? No, places with wooden clogs, places with grandmother...
It wasn't listing places to travel to, but a feeling like solving a riddle?
"That place with many animals is where you want to go?"
"Yes, yes."
Rin immediately switched to honorifics, probably because the crying subsided.
Her older sister felt a bit sorry but tilted her head at the incomprehensible destination.
If it's a place with many animals, is a farm okay?
An animal shelter?
Commonly, it's a zoo, but...
Then, would it be better to ask why she wanted to see animals rather than where she wanted to go?
"Hmm, why animals?"
"What?"
"Many other interesting things. Cars or sports."
"... Animals."
"Do you like animals?"
She didn't like them when young.
Her older sister recalled the tantrums Rin threw in elementary school.
Then, she wanted to watch cartoons but went to see boring animals...
"Then..."
"What?"
"With family, last time, all together... played. That time."
"Ah."
"Harmoniously."
Rin bit her lip weakly and turned her head.
And showed disgust.
Frowning eyebrows, clenching jaw, sharp eyes.
It wasn't the expression of someone talking about longing.
Rather, it was an expression impossible for a girl who couldn't lift her head due to guilt torment to make.
"So, going. To a place with many animals."
Her older sister stayed quiet for a long time even when Rin turned her head to check her.
It felt like Rin was scared of her.
Not threatening, but growling like a beast and furled up.
"Must go."
And since Rin strongly expressed her opinion.
"Hmm, what if I don't let you go?"
"What?"
Her older sister said it unconsciously.
Like when going to the observatory, it seemed she would change her body to go up there again.
"That, that."
"You'll get hurt again. I can't send you knowing you'll get hurt. Understand?"
Even if I dislike someone, I can't treat their body like that once, let alone if it's someone I like.
Who could let them go?
So her older sister held Rin's hand and shook her head.
Rin looked at her own ankle.
The swelling hadn't subsided even after eating medicine for several days.
Rin fiddled with her sleeve, feeling occasional heat from sleep on her ankle.
"Need to go to other places too. If always like this, even if I use all the saved money, I won't be able to go around."
"Ouch!"
"Understand? So don't push yourself, treat it first."
"... But."
"If I don't get hurt, I can go to the places listed here within 3 months?"
"Ugh..."
"Possible?"
Can hate, can dislike.
Whether Rin felt what emotions at the travel place, it wasn't something that could be said coldly.
But she couldn't get hurt.
Couldn't sit down again in pain and sadness.
So her older sister held Rin's hand, made eye contact, Rin mumbled her bitten lips, and nodded.
"... Okay."
"Really?"
"Yes."
Rin looked straight at her older sister.
... Money.
It was scary too.
Without money, I won't be able to achieve everything I want... and I'll die.
I don't know what will happen, but probably it will come to that.
But right now, what worried her older sister more was Rin.
The warmth when hugged, the sigh when angry.
"... Thank you."
So Rin sat close beside her older sister, holding her hand.
She held the fingers, carefully matched the palms, and interlocked them.