After the Battle (4): Mercy and Betrayal
When I was young, there was a day when my adoptive father—the man who became my second father—collapsed. To get medicine for him, I dragged my little body everywhere, and to pay for it, I stole from others.
'Yeah, I deserved the beating for that.'
I got hit. Back then, it wasn't even a serious illness, just a minor ailment, yet I'd stolen from others to treat myself? He scolded me harshly for it. No matter how poor we were, we must never steal from others. To teach me that lesson, he struck me just once—with violence.
The father who'd never laid a hand on me before... that shock was immense. I understand now why he said what he did and acted that way, but back then, I truly couldn't comprehend it. Everyone in the world steals to survive—why should we be the only ones robbed and enduring?
What did he say back then? Something about thumping his chest... 'Live without shame in your own heart.' Or was it that? I can't quite recall even now. Partly because I've lived that way already, and partly because there's no need to dredge it up.
I've never stolen from others or done anything dishonorable, so I can look up at the heavens without a shred of guilt. Sure, I've agonized over things beyond my control at times, but I've always fought to protect what's mine—except when it came to defending it from threats. And now, with some leeway to give to others...
"So that's why you gave them food? A lunchbox you packed yourself, Master?"
"Yeah. I can make another lunchbox. We still have plenty to eat, don't we?"
Winter food doesn't spoil easily. Especially preserved rations—they last even longer. So...
"Yeah. Will you stop sulking now?"
"Oh? Sulking? Do you really think I'm upset that you generously handed over your lunchbox out of the goodness of your heart?"
Sima Yi smiled brightly, but her eyes weren't smiling at all.
"I saw it all—how you benevolently patted their heads and gave them the food even after they stole your lunchbox. Someone so compassionate... Father will surely approve."
"Master, don't worry. She's just like this because it was the last handmade lunchbox."
"Seo Seo, that's not it. She's talking about how you didn't punish the thief who stole and ran."
She's pissed.
"You should've at least cut off a finger so they never steal again."
"Do you think they stole because they wanted to? If they were truly starving, they'd have scarfed it down while fleeing before getting caught."
Seo Seo shrugged slyly.
"Only someone who's known real hunger understands that feeling."
"......"
Sima Yi had lived a relatively affluent life up to now. Even after coming to Suyeon Academy, I'd made sure she ate well since she was young, so she could proudly say she'd never known hunger. Same in Henei, and even now at the academy—she'd never gone hungry from poverty.
"Yeah. I'm not excusing theft. In peaceful times, we'd rule by legalist principles. But did they steal because they wanted to?"
"Then?"
"It's because of these chaotic times."
I'm not blaming her specifically. But as someone who'd once been in their shoes, I hoped Sima Yi could understand, even a little.
"If it were theft from greed, I'd condemn it. But that was theft for survival. You could see it in her eyes. That woman... she'd been living on grass porridge for at least a week."
"...A week on grass porridge?"
"Yeah. Hands like someone who'd dug through snow for ferns and vines."
"......"
Sima Yi clamped her mouth shut. She looked deep in thought, and I didn't want to interrupt her contemplation.
What counts as an 'unavoidable choice' varies from person to person, but if you can afford to show mercy, isn't it good to do so?
"Let's get going. We can only hope she devours the food quickly and airs out the smell."
We're just passing through. If I wanted to take responsibility, I'd have brought them along, but forcing them wouldn't work—they wouldn't follow.
"If life gets unbearable, she'll come to Jingzhou."
Like the Xuzhou refugees. If she leaves Luoyang, she'll head to Jingzhou for sure.
'One more farmer for the fields.'
"Heh."
We'd done a good deed.
Thud, thud.
The woman walked the wide road clutching her porridge pot. She slipped into a gap in the crumbled city walls to avoid prying eyes.
This was Luoyang's imperial palace. After Dong Zhuo burned it all, everyone had poked around once hoping for scraps, only to flee in horror from the devastation—a true ruin.
Waaaaah—!
"...Ugh."
The woman pressed her forehead upon seeing the snow-covered bones. The entire palace had burned, claiming thousands of lives. Without proper funerals, the corpses lay abandoned. No need to say what infested them.
Over the past few years, those scavenging the palace weren't just thieves and people—far from it.
Squeak.
A rat stared intently at the woman from afar. She first thought it eyed her porridge pot, but its hollow black gaze seemed fixed on her, sending chills down her spine.
"U-ugh...!"
Tears welled up unbidden. Even a mere rat pup seemed ready to lunge and tear into her—paranoia born of victimhood surged, wave after wave.
In midwinter's grueling march, the woman was utterly spent.
Creeeak.
She pushed open the doors to what was once the grand audience hall. Half-burned away, they teetered on collapse from a mere push, with fallen ceiling debris littering the floor.
Where ministers should stand lay vagrants stacked on wooden planks.
"......Hey."
The woman had brought porridge.
"Eat up. I-I, the sovereign, have obtained food..."
Even speaking brought tears to her eyes.
"Food... I've brought food."
"Y-Your Majesty..."
A man on the brink of death reached out shakily. Thinking it for the pot, she approached joyfully, but he merely placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Keep your resolve... firm. You are Her Majesty."
"Get up! Please..."
"This subject has lived long enough. Give it to the others—the young ones. I..."
The man forced a smile. She flung open the pot; inside, cold rice was packed tight to fit.
"In my old age... one grain suffices."
"How can you say that! Eat, please."
"Ha, haha. So heaven hasn't abandoned this land yet."
Unlike his deathly pallor, his voice grew clearer.
"Live, Your Majesty. By all means. And..."
"......"
"A man's life... won't be easy, but if you wish to survive..."
Thud.
"Live on... as emperor."
His hand fell limp. His eyes lost focus, his final gaze landing on a scorched, torn ornament below.
"......"
The woman clutched his hand, head bowed. Too exhausted for sobs, she wept silently.
Creeeak.
"Y-Your Majesty?! Ahh...!"
A new arrival dashed in, clutching a rabbit's ear.
"Sniff—another one...!"
"......"
Who could call these dying souls the civil and military officials? Only the dying and the doomed remained.
"Hey, even if it's meager—sniff—we should hold a funeral..."
"You must flee...!!"
"!!"
"Yi Ga and Guo Si's bands have appeared west of Luoyang!!"
The woman dropped the pot.
At that moment.
Three horses galloped east from Luoyang. Clad in civil official robes, their faces were ashen as death.
Yet their eyes held hope.
"Hyah!"
The officials paused briefly; each clutched rolled silk in their robes, checking and rechecking.
"Whoa, whoa."
They halted. Now, the three would ride separately in three directions.
One toward Yuan Shao.
One toward Cao Cao.
One toward Liu Biao.
"We must meet again alive."
"Only we three, who can rush to Luoyang at once, can protect Her."
"...Whether all three come, or none at all—who knows."
The trio clasped fists, tears flowing.
"For Han."
"For the Han realm."
"Hyah!"
They spurred north, east, south.
Among them.
"......"
The one heading south halted after distancing himself beyond sight. His horse munched snow-buried weeds; he drew out the silk.
He spread it flat across the horse's neck.
"......Hmph!"
Slash.
He sliced his arm with a dagger. Sprayed blood soaked the silk's interior, staining the words.
—...Accordingly, an order to the Inspector of Jingzhou, Liu Biao...
"Hah."
The man shook his head, flinging the silk aside. He pulled something else from his robes.
"......Han is finished."
He drew a black pig ornament.
Huff, huff. Breathing hot air onto it, he wiped the pig's back with his sleeve. The black rubbed off, revealing gleaming gold beneath.
"Can't live like this. Better to head south and get rich than die a loyal beggar."
He turned his horse southwest.
"All the way to Yunnam."