Plucking the Bandit's Liver
The eighth month of Zhongping’s third year (186 AD). Fenggao County, Taishan Commandery. The Governor’s Residence.
The Emperor’s envoy, the Junior Attendant of the Yellow Gates, Jo Heum, parted the curtains inside his carriage. Even at the tail end of summer, the sun showed no sign of weakening, its fierce heat scorching the road. The wheels rolled slowly along the winding official path through Taishan Commandery, and in the distance the faint outline of the administrative seat began to appear.
“So this is the Governor’s Residence of Taishan Commandery…”
Jo Heum narrowed his eyes at the scene, which differed greatly from what he had expected. According to the reports, the Black Mountain Bandits had seized control of Taishan Commandery. He had naturally assumed their leader, Jang Yeon, would have taken over the governor’s office and begun acting the part. He had pictured the man oppressing the common people, raising high banners, soldiers standing in full armor, flaunting their military might.
Yet…
“…Hmm.”
The gates of the governor’s residence stood wide open. Near the entrance, a few soldiers were wiping sweat from their brows as they loaded supplies. The military tents had their ropes tied loosely for easy disassembly, and the soldiers looked less like men settled in than like those preparing to depart at any moment.
“They intend to withdraw soon.”
Jo Heum muttered to himself.
If bandits have seized a commandery, common sense says they should settle in and hold it. Just what is this bastard’s scheme…?
His sharp gaze swept over the surroundings. Instead of greed or ambition, the soldiers’ eyes held an unexpected weariness. These men had not come here to stay. They simply looked annoyed at having to prepare to leave without any lingering attachment.
“…Interesting.”
Jo Heum quietly descended from the carriage. Despite his words, his expression showed not the slightest trace of genuine interest.
He had been dispatched under the pretext of “rewarding those who have rendered meritorious service,” formally “bestowing” the governorship of Taishan as a reward while simultaneously intending to pocket a hefty sum of three million coins. However, the intended recipient appeared to have no desire to accept it. The deal was already off to a rocky start.
Does that man truly have no interest in official posts? Or has he somehow caught on?
Jo Heum shook his head.
How could a mere bandit possibly discern His Majesty’s true intentions?
He climbed back into the carriage and unfolded a small map. It was a top-secret document recording every county and strategic point in Taishan Commandery, along with the locations of major beacon towers.
Strange. The reports clearly stated that Jang Yeon mobilized the Black Mountain Bandits to occupy Taishan Commandery. Yet there are so few soldiers at the governor’s residence. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen many Black Mountain Bandits since entering the commandery either.
This could only mean they were truly packing up to leave. The bandit Jang Yeon had taken Taishan Commandery yet showed no desire for office. He possessed an army but made no show of its strength.
…Selling office to a man with no appetite for it will be difficult.
It was hard to sell goods to someone who had no intention of buying. Moreover, the “reward” bestowed by Emperor Ling was ultimately nothing more than selling office for money. If the other party had no need for it?
Jo Heum let out a silent sigh.
“Send a messenger. Inform Jang Yeon of the Black Mountain Bandits that an imperial envoy has arrived and request an audience.”
After issuing the order, Jo Heum glanced once more around the governor’s residence and muttered under his breath.
“…This transaction is going to be far more troublesome than I thought.”
The Black Mountain Bandits stationed at the governor’s residence moved in silence, while the common people’s steps were cautious. It was not that the bandits were forcibly oppressing them, yet the subtle atmosphere made the civilians tread carefully. Jo Heum instinctively sensed that the “trading partner” he was about to meet would prove far more of a headache than expected.
Black Mountain Bandits encampment, Taishan.
I was squatting in front of my tent, staring up at the sky. The lingering summer heat still stung my eyes like needles.
“Fuck, when the hell is this heat going to let up?”
I muttered while digging a piece of meat out from between my teeth with a twig.
As I did so, Yu Byeok came running over with a report.
“Chief. Word just came from the lads at the governor’s residence.”
“What is it? Did those idiots cause some kind of accident?”
“…No, it’s not that. Um… an envoy bearing His Majesty the Emperor’s decree has arrived.”
At Yu Byeok’s words, I felt my expression harden. I slowly rose to my feet and immediately stepped inside the tent.
A short while later, the messenger sent by the envoy entered the tent, bowing deeply with great caution. In his hands was a document bearing the imperial seal, and his tone was exceedingly careful.
“The Junior Attendant of the Yellow Gates, Lord Jo, who has arrived at the governor’s residence in Fenggao County, bears His Majesty’s sacred decree and requests an audience with Governor Jang, who has pacified Taishan Commandery.”
I frowned and skimmed through the document.
“Governor? Heh heh…”
“Everyone under heaven already knows of Governor Jang’s great achievements.”
The messenger sent by the envoy tossed out some flattery, but my inner thoughts were far from pleased.
These sons of bitches aren’t seriously trying to sell office to someone who actually earned merit, are they? No, wait—if it’s that bastard Emperor Ling, he’d absolutely do it.
I lifted my eyes from the document and slowly turned the gears in my head.
Normally, if they wanted to grant a reward, they’d just send an imperial edict bearer to praise the achievement and hand over the post or reward. But they’ve gone out of their way to send a eunuch as a special envoy… Fuck, is this for real? Are they seriously trying to shake down a bandit? The Son of Heaven himself?
I swallowed the rage threatening to burst out and offered the messenger a gentle smile, speaking as warmly as I could.
“Heh heh, it is an honor that my humble contributions are praised so highly. I shall gladly receive Lord Jo, who comes as His Majesty’s envoy.”
“If Lord Jang shows such hospitality, Lord Jo will surely be most pleased.”
Both sides probed each other with hidden calculations before the envoy’s messenger finally left the tent.
“Agh, fuck. The Emperor is selling offices to a bandit? After the guy actually did something worthwhile? These bastards are worse than the bandits.”
At my words, Yu Byeok tilted his head in confusion.
“Huh? Isn’t he here to grant an official post? What do you mean, selling?”
“Idiot, can’t you tell just by looking? If they wanted to reward merit, they’d send an edict bearer, grant the office, hand over the reward, and that’d be it. But they deliberately sent a eunuch as a special envoy? This is clearly them telling me to buy the damn post.”
I suppressed the rising fury and continued.
“From the very beginning he called me Governor Jang without any preamble. Governor my ass. How much is a governorship going for these days?”
Yu Byeok shrugged at my question.
“How would a bandit like me know the market price for offices? Should I call Young Master Do over?”
“Ha… Yeah. Do Eung would know. Bring him here.”
Having to call Do Eung over to ask about office prices while also preparing to entertain the envoy was already giving me a headache.
“These fucking bastards. They’ve got nothing left to fleece, so now they’re trying to fleece the bandits too.”
The Black Mountain Bandits campsite was shrouded in deep darkness. Inside the massive tent, a lavish spread of liquor and ample snacks had been prepared.
I had rolled up my sleeves against the sweltering heat and taken my seat. In contrast, Jo Heum, the Emperor’s envoy, remained impeccably dressed, careful not to let even a speck of dust touch the hem of his robe. Yet despite his prim attitude, his expression remained consistently gentle, his lips curved in a flexible smile.
“Heh heh, this Jo Heum has come bearing His Majesty the Emperor’s will to praise Governor Jang for his distinguished service.”
At the title “Governor,” I reflexively curled the corner of my mouth and shot back.
“Haha… Governor, you say? I am merely the humble leader of the Black Mountain Bandits. How could I possibly dare to claim such an exalted position…”
“Not at all, Governor Jang.”
Jo Heum smoothly continued, lifting his wine cup. He drained it lightly, the sound of liquid sliding down his throat flowing naturally.
“The people of Taishan already call you Governor Jang. What a touching tale. It must be a title earned by pacifying chaos and comforting the populace.”
Touching my ass. They’re probably shaking in their boots. Where does this bastard get off peddling such obvious bullshit?
I barely swallowed the words rising to my throat and refilled Jo Heum’s empty cup.
“It is far too generous a title for someone like me.”
“Not at all. The world already knows of Governor Jang’s achievements.”
This bastard was oiling me up with flattery before slowly getting to the main point.
“His Majesty has greatly praised your service and believes a fitting reward must be granted. Therefore, the court has decided…”
Jo Heum slightly raised the corners of his mouth and lowered his voice.
“…to bestow upon you the governorship of Taishan Commandery.”
I had been raising the cup to my lips but stopped. The surface of the wine trembled faintly.
I forced another smile to my lips and spoke slowly.
“To grant such an exalted position to a lowly man like myself… I can only be deeply grateful for His Majesty’s and the court’s benevolence.”
“Heh heh, I am glad you see it that way.”
Jo Heum smiled softly.
“However… there are, of course, court procedures to follow. His Majesty has instructed that everything must be done without violating proper procedure, and I am merely carrying out his will.”
Fuck. Is this for real? Seriously? To someone who actually earned merit? No way? You son of a bitch?
I barely held back my trembling breath and asked calmly.
“Procedure… May I humbly ask what sort of procedure you mean?”
Jo Heum placed his hand on the table and tapped it slowly.
“Haha, since Governor Jang is likely unfamiliar with such ‘procedures,’ allow me to explain everything. The governorship is an official post granted by the court. As such, documents must be exchanged, personnel must be mobilized, and there are countless detailed items. For example, auditing fees, costs for preparing documents, expenses for creating a new official seal…”
At Jo Heum’s endless stream of words, I finally snapped.
“Haha… At this rate, you’ll probably charge me for the stitching on the official robes too.”
When I muttered in a low voice, Jo Heum’s eyes sparkled as he replied.
“However! His Majesty has taken your distinguished service into great consideration. While the governorship of Taishan would normally cost ten million coins for anyone else… he has specially decided to bestow it upon you for only three million coins. This is an opportunity that comes only once.”
I lifted my cup but offered no reply. Inside my head, however, half was boiling with rage and the other half with bitter laughter.
Three million coins for a governorship? Fuck, at least they gave me a discount. When I asked Do Eung, he said the going rate was between five million and thirty million? These fucking bastards… A governor only earns two hundred thousand coins a year if he doesn’t spend a single penny. These lunatics.
I slowly brought the cup to my lips, then set it down again. Swallowing my fury, I smiled quietly and said,
“Heh heh heh, so rather than ‘granting’ office to one who has rendered service, you are ‘selling’ it… His Majesty’s grace is truly… peculiar.”
Jo Heum’s smile did not waver in the slightest.
“No matter the method, the position and authority will ultimately return to you, Governor Jang. Both His Majesty and the court have exerted considerable effort to appoint you as governor, so isn’t it only proper that you pay a suitable price? Ahem. I hope you understand that within the court, there are those who still call you a rebel rather than the General who Establishes Righteousness.”
At Jo Heum’s words, I quietly set down my wine cup. A brief silence fell.
“In that case…”
I opened my mouth softly.
“There is no need for me to take all of Taishan Commandery, is there?”
Jo Heum paused with the cup halfway to his lips and slightly raised an eyebrow.
“…Oh? What do you mean?”
“You said the governorship of Taishan is under the authority of His Majesty and the court. However, Taishan Commandery is currently split in two. The western half is still overrun by bandits, and many of the people have fled. Even if I receive the title of governor, I can only effectively rule less than half of it.”
I tilted my cup again and smiled.
“Therefore… how about you only recognize the portions I can actually govern?”
Jo Heum narrowed his eyes and stared at me.
“…Please be more specific.”
“How about the title of General who Establishes Righteousness? It is an honorary post granted by the court. Though it may be an empty title, it would at least signify that the court no longer views me as a rebel.”
I raised two fingers.
“Officially recognize my control over the three eastern counties of Taishan Commandery, as well as command authority over the Black Mountain Bandits that I currently lead.”
Jo Heum finally understood my meaning. In other words, the governorship was too expensive, so I was asking him to split it up and sell it cheaper. And even though it was split, the title of Governor of Taishan could still be sold to someone else…
“…Heh heh, your ingenious plan is truly amusing. And what would the price be?”
Apparently tired of maintaining appearances, Jo Heum asked directly.
To his question, I answered quietly.
“One million two hundred thousand coins.”
Jo Heum set down his cup. He stared at me silently for a long moment before letting out a chuckle.
“From three million down to one million two hundred thousand… Heh heh, Governor Jang, you would have succeeded greatly as a merchant.”
“Where would a man like me get such a vast sum? One must take what one can get; otherwise, nothing remains in one’s hands. Furthermore…”
I refilled Jo Heum’s empty cup as I continued.
“Should His Majesty issue any commands in the future, I will obey them without fail.”
At those words, Jo Heum accepted the cup, his eyes gleaming.
“And if it is not His Majesty’s command?”
I smiled and quietly added,
“If it is the will of those who serve His Majesty with loyalty… how could I possibly hold back?”
For a brief moment, a subtle smile spread across Jo Heum’s face. An indirect declaration of loyalty to the eunuchs. It was a perfectly timed trick and the best card I could play.
“Very well. I shall convey Governor Jang’s wishes to His Majesty.”
Jo Heum quietly rose to his feet.
I thought this damned negotiation was finally over. But—
“Ah, Governor Jang.”
He raised his hand lightly.
“It is standard practice for officials to change their posts every year. For someone like you who wishes to remain fixed in one location… ahem, a proper show of sincerity is required.”
I forced a rotten smile and emptied my cup.
These rich bastards are even worse… Pluck the bandit’s liver and eat it, you sons of bitches.
Jo Heum and I simply smiled at each other.